(Edited June 15, 2020, nothing drastic)

stream Secret Story of The Swan

-----

"Hyewonnieee" you slurred as she slung your arms around me, pressing your entire body against mine and your face close to mine. My chest slightly tinges from the nickname. Your hot breath hits my cheek as you laugh. I froze in place, heat rushed throughout my body. This all too familiar warmth welcomed me, making me recall the last time I’ve felt like this. My friends, Sakura and Yena had their eyes wide as you pulled a sudden act of skinship. I only shrugged and they only sighed and shook their head. Sakura invited our other friend, Yujin, but she said she’s in her parents’ place so she can’t come.

It was the middle of the night when my friends and I went out for a drink or two to celebrate for another successfully surviving a wave of exams. Sakura decided to take us out in a resto-bar near our university.

“Wow, the moment she stepped in and drank with us, I never thought that she would partake of that much alcohol.” My friend, Yena remarked as she eyed the woman in my arms, sighing as her gaze shifted to me with the look of empathy.

We were having the time of our lives but then you came, out of all the places we get to cross paths again, why does it have to be today? You said you wanted to have a drink because you had an argument with a girl named Kim Chaewon. We decided to invite you to our table since the resto-bar was nearly full of people and the only vacant seat was near to a group of people that radiated questionable aura and even we felt uneasy. The moment you bought your first drink, you went all in, chugging it down. We were surprised that you can take it, knowing that you don’t drink much, but seeing you like that seemed like you needed it. I couldn’t help but worry, even though the back of my mind said not to.

“She drank it as if it was water and loom at her now, drunk and clinging to you like a koala” Sakura added. I could see the faces of worry in their faces but I only smiled at them, thinking that it won't affect me that much.

“She’s always this clingy,” I spoke, trying to keep you in place in my arm “especially around me”

“Of course I am!!” you spoke rather loudly, detaching one of your arms from me, lifting your head to face my friends, “she’s cuddly. Don’t be fooled by her soft exterior, Hyewon has abs for days”

I blushed from the statement and could hear giggles from my friends, I glared at them but they kept laughing regardless.

“Well, they don’t need to know about that,” I chuckled awkwardly as I slowly put my hand on your head and rest them on my shoulder and you reciprocated by snuggling your head against my shoulder. I looked up to the sky before facing Yena and Sakura, “Well we have to back to the dorms soon, it’s getting late and I already feel cold”

“But what are we gonna do with her?” Sakura pointed her finger to you. As on cue, you finally released yourself from me. The warmth faded

You smiled, still intoxicated by the alcohol you consumed, and your body slightly wobbling with your face flushed red to your ears.

“I can go home by myself.” You said, “It was a fun time with you guys. I hope we can go again sometime. But I should get going now. See you in campus guys”

The moment you made a step forward, your body almost made contact with the floor before I stepped in and caught you in my arms. You only laughed as I adjusted myself 

"I'll take you home," I said

"But are you sure Hyewon?" Yena asked and I nodded

"Well, her apartment is the same route as mine and it's not a big problem." I told them "Also, I don't want to risk her commuting in her state so it's better I'll take her home myself"

"Well just call us, okay?"

"Sure. Thank you guys. I appreciate it" I said as I looped your arm around my shoulder and my other hand on your waist to help us balance. Yena and Sakura bid us goodbyes and I made our way towards my car.

 

---

“Can you just drop me off at some hotel nearby?” I stared at you in confusion as you walked sloppily while I tried to balance both of us walking our way to my car.

“I don’t want to see that pabo Chaewon's faceeee”

“I see,” I sighed, not questioning further as I remained quiet. I can feel your stare on me, you brought your finger to my cheeks and started poking them. I breathed slowly to ease my slight irritation and focus on walking us to my parked car.

“But...” you whispered in my ear softly, "I don't want to stay in a place alone,"

You used to tell me that before, and I used to invite you to my place to stay so you wouldn't feel less alone. As much as I want to refuse, guess I had no other choice since if something happens to you, my head will be on a ing pike.

“I’ll let you stay in my apartment for the night.” It shouldn't be a problem since you've been to my place only that you stopped coming over and I start shutting everyone off.

Once we reached my car, I immediately opened the passenger door, gently placed you down to the chair. And it was quite a hassle, mind you

“I miss being in your caaaarrr” you slurred while trying to pinch my cheeks while I placed down at the passenger seat, strapped you with the seatbelt. I pried your hands away from my face.

“Whyyy you so maaadddd???” You whined while letting out a laugh at the end of the sentence.

“I’m not mad, I'm ensuring your safety,” I said while I step out of the car to shut the passenger door and made my way to the driver's side of the car.

I sat down in the driver’s seat while strapping my own seatbelt and the engine, bot forgetting to check on you, turns out you're already staring at me.

“Can I help you?” I asked and you just smiled while shaking your head.

“It's just that you’re still nice to me, not letting me sit on the tables near those people, offering to take me home, despite you even offering me staying in your apartment. Despite everything”

“Well, I’m always like that to people, so don't feel special, Kim,” I said as I began driving our way to my apartment.

“But I used to be someone special in your life,” you said. I only remained quiet but what you said was right. You were someone special to me.

“I wonder what happened. You used to be so open around me…” you said but you trailed off at the end of the sentence, but you continued only that your voice became serious “but now, you're...hesitant”

"You were avoiding my gaze throughout the night. When I'm tried to talk to you, you would only reply in one to two words. A complete sentence if I'm lucky." you said in a sad tone. "You're more cautious when you're around me, even in campus." 

I bit my lip and gripped the steering wheel harder. Why are you talking about this now? At all the time in the world? And what makes this worse is that you're right, I became hesitant around you,hostile even, not something that I act around you. I was a different person before, I was happier.

“But who could blame you? I know the reason why there are chains on your door. You've changed from the past months”

I only kept my mouth shut. You're right, I've changed and you know why to know so well. 

“You can say pain changed me,” I said, rather harshly while I only kept my eye on the road but in my peripheral view that you're frowning.

You have no idea

--

We finally arrived at the apartment building and once again, I helped her walked towards the elevator.

We both waited for the elevator door to open. You still had your arms wrapped around my shoulders while your head was resting beside mine.

“Why are you stiff?” You asked and I sighed

“You're heavy” I flat out answered and I felt a slap from my shoulder

“I am NOT heavy!!” You shouted which resulted in a few people staring at us. I glared at you before smiling towards the people and bowed my head as an apology.

“Will you keep your voice low? Screaming in my ear is painful enough”

You only laughed while poking my cheeks again

“But you used to encourage me screaming your name when we're in your bed-”

“The elevator's here!”

---

I set you down to my bed and tucked you with my blanket. You only stared at me as I removed your shoes and coat, placing them on the study table of my room as well as your phone. I'm beyond tired from studying my course to being in the middle of Sakura and Yena's pointless debate to now babysitting you. Don't get wrong, I used to take care of you, but now it's different. As I was about to step out of the room, you called out my name

“Hyewon…” you trailed off. Your cheeks are still red from the alcohol. You’re far from sober. I faced you, waiting for you to speak more, like how I used to wait for your message, sometimes keeping me up at night, how I always waited for you to talk to me, checking up on me, at least being there for me.

“I’m sorry.” You said softly. The confusion drew my face as I stared at you, thinking about what you could be sorry for. It was quiet for a moment until I decided to reply

“What for?”

“For everything” you replied, “I knew that I shouldn’t have led you on, saying things I didn’t mean, taken you for granted, for hurting you.”

Your statement caught my attention, but I kept my mouth shut. I only stared at you, patiently waiting for you to continue. You bite your lip, a habit of yours that I remember all too well. Your fingers fidget the sheets as you look down but after a few moments of silence, you continued

“I’m sorry, for everything.” You took a deep breath “The moment that I met you on campus, I never knew that you would change my life completely. You were so sweet to me, so caring, so perfect, everything a person could ask for”

And you were for me, at least at that moment. But now, you’re nothing but a stranger but with shared memories for me. Someone that I used to love and I’m just something that you ‘loved’.

“I loved the way you make me smile, the way you make me laugh, the way you made me feel loved. You were the first person I confessed and liked this much. The time that you asked me to be your girlfriend, I was the happiest girl in the world, having to call you mine was a dream come true”

It was around the 12^th of February when I asked you out, I planned out a way to ask you to be mine. In a jar of 40 questions and each of us takes one paper to answer what was written. I only drew out the coral colored paper while you drew out the white-colored ones. On your 20^th question, the 40^th paper, a smile was painted on your lips when you read the question, jumped out of your seat to give me a kiss for an answer. That memory used to make me smile but now it’s nothing but a painful memory.

“I knew where things were heading, but I couldn't risk myself for it, so I thought to distance myself from you was the best choice, at least for me”

And yet, it cost me my own broken heart and months of sleepless nights to learn it

“I tried to push you away, ignoring your messages, putting my friends first, flirting with other people as if you can't see it, making up sorry excuses but you still managed to forgive, enduring the pain, still loved me.”

Because I was too naïve to tell you the truth because whenever I tried to reach out to you, I thought that I was bothering you, but I would be lying that it didn’t hurt me seeing you posting how bored you are or how free are you when you even bother talking to me or at least asking if I’m okay. I know I don’t need reassurance but sometimes I felt like it’s my fault why you don’t want to talk to me, maybe I bothered you too much, or is there something that I said that made you feel offended. I knew that this will pass and it’s not a reason to be sad or be mad at you since it’s not a big deal until I let it consume me and out of character, anger, frustration, and doubt became to bubble inside me.

“I neglected you, shut you away, lied to you, hid something from you, acted selfishly, thinking that you would take it, but I never knew that the damage was already too deep.”

You have no idea how hurt I was, how I kept defending you from my friends when they were already doubting you. I still loved you and I’m just being overly dramatic.

“Even as a friend, I wasn't there for you, from the day your dog died to your parents arguing, the time that you needed someone, I was at the ends of the world, drinking. I didn't think that the moment I was sleeping soundly because of you, you couldn't wink asleep because of me”

Exactly, when I needed someone, you were posting that you were drinking while I’m at the other side of the city, crying, all alone. Where were you? Oh right, too busy drowning with alcohol while not bothering to check on your girlfriend. I tweeted as well just to see that you can get the idea, but you know what I got from you? Nothing.

I spent all night, thinking, doubting what I went wrong, and crying that I tried my best to be there for you, but it felt like you weren’t even trying to keep me.

“I did so many horrible things to you but I was so ignorant of the pain I gave you, and yet, you still stayed for me, loved me.”

Because I loved you too much that I ended up forgetting myself. I was like a fool, only for you. I was willing to break my own rules, my own heart and fighting back my own mind, just for you.

“The night you broke up with me, I saw that you finally had enough but didn't expect the pain was too deep when the next day your friend Yujin practically destroyed my apartment door and confronted me everything that you've gone through, from how you kept doubting yourself, to overthinking, jealousy to sleepless nights to feeling that you're not worth anything... all because of me.”

I remembered that moment so vividly. Such a bittersweet memory.

After so many sleepless nights, fallen tears, thinking that am I worth anything to you? Jealousy changed me, overthinking ruined me. I felt so alone, so broken and when the realization hit me when I needed to end this, I couldn’t take the pain anymore, I couldn’t pretend to be ignorant about this, and I knew if I let this pass, it will only worsen but the truth of letting you was difficult to accept, especially the fact that you don’t deserve me, and I don’t deserve you at all. I loved you, and never regretted it but I know that part of loving you is to let you go.

I asked to meet me at the campus study area around 7 pm, after my class, and I knew that you don’t have a schedule at that time. You initially told me that you were busy but I insisted that this was important. When I asked you that did you really mean all those ‘I love you’s, somehow, I knew your answer but I wanted to hear it from your lips. I knew what I was getting into but I never expected to hurt so much, you only said sorry and admitted that you did distance yourself from me. I declared that our relationship will be over. You left the place, but I stayed still, still couldn’t believe that it was over like that. My chest felt heavy, my heart was shattered, tears fell from my eyes and I couldn’t move an inch.

“All this time?” I asked myself at that time, still in disbelief

The following days were hell for me, where every song, every movie, every book, every little thing reminded me of you, of us. I hated it, each and every part of it. I deleted our photos together, your photos on my phone, the nicknames we both set on chat, the videos I took of you on our dates, hid the gifts you gave me, tore all of the drawings, paintings, and compositions that I made for you, I shut myself from the world, and stopped using my social media because seeing your name hurts. When I told Sakura, Yujin, Yena, and my other friends, they were there for me, offering me support. Actually, Yujin was the only one that knew that I was suffering silently, she was there when I was crying, when I was questioning my worth, from every little thing.

“Hyewon,” you said “I'm so sorry for everything I did, I know you couldn't forgive me and I understand. I broke your heart and that's unforgivable. I couldn't forgive myself either. You're just too good for me, and I'm too bad for you. But believe me, when I said I liked you, it was true, and when I said that I miss you, I really do, only that I wasted my shot and made a horrible mistake”

I already forgave you a long time ago. I don’t need your apology, I already accepted the fact and forgave what you did. I’m now moving on.

We liked each other, but I fell first, loved too much and I thought you felt the same, only that I was wrong. You liked me but I loved you.

“But one thing is for sure that you deserve someone that will return your love, will kiss your scars, will risk everything for you, and will never dare to break your heart as I did. You deserve someone and that someone is not me.”

It was painful to think that someone isn’t you, after everything we’ve been through, it was almost perfect.

“You gave me so much love, yet I gave you so much pain”

A few tears fell but I still kept quiet. I swallowed hard, all these memories, I don’t want to remember them. I want to forget them, and wish not to revisit them.

“Hyewon, I’m not asking you to forgive me, but I ask you to break down those walls of your heart that I made you built for someone who will love you. I know you're at the process of moving on, but that person out there, waiting for you, please love that person will all your heart, like how you used to love me. Also, thank you, for everything. For being there for me, despite what I did to you, for supporting me no matter what, for making an effort in this relationship, and for loving me for who I am. I am truly grateful” you said softly, and ending it with a “Once again, I’m sorry”

Please, stop apologizing. I don’t need it

After hearing what you’ve said, I unclenched my fist from the sheets. Every word that came out of your lips felt like poison. Despite in your state, you managed to talk that long and kept a serious tone, but I knew you were only saying that because you are drunk, and you’re not supposed to say those things when you’re sober. But I still kept in mind, accepting your words. Every memory coming back like a plague, I wish not to remember it, for it keeps on haunting me. I only remained quiet, despite there’s a lot of things I want to say to you, but I doubt that you will remember it, knowing you’re just going to forget it when the morning comes.

“Go to sleep Minjoo,” I stood up from the bed and made my way towards the door. It was a rather heavy walk, after everything I’ve heard, my heart tinges as my vision is getting flooded, my hands and legs are shaking but I managed to hold a grip on my bedroom door knob. I turned the knob and made my way out of the room, not forgetting to say “Goodnight”.

Once I shut the door, I dropped down to my knees and let it all out by crying, hitting my back against the door. I’ve never cried this hard since I finally realized that I don’t deserve you. I honestly don’t know what to feel, should I be angry that it took you this long to realize or happy that you’ve finally come to my senses? I should be over you but why am I crying? My mind is all over the place but I’m certain that I’ve never felt this heavy since that night that I broke up with you. I wanted to be mad at you for everything you’ve done, but I’m mad at myself for even fooling my mind and heart to stay when there were a million reasons to leave. You were hurting me but I only kept quiet because I knew you never mean it but I would be lying that it didn’t make me bleed. Regardless of how much pain I’ve dealt with, I still loved you, even if it felt unrequited. I promised myself not to get hurt again, but you’re making it a lot harder for me. Why can’t I live in peace at least for one goddamn second? Without this ing pain in my chest? No matter how much I’m mad at you, I couldn’t bring myself to hate you, and I don’t think I will and even if I try to deny it, I will always miss you. My head is throbbing while my heart is breaking apart, my eyes never seem to dry as a river of tears are falling down, hitting my skin, I’m gripping the carpeted floor as I’m breathing heavily. No words can express how much it hurts. I don’t know what I am supposed to feel? Anger? Pain? Sadness? I don’t know. My head still hurts but my breathing slowly came back to normal. I lay my head against the door and my vision became blurry, exhaustion crept over me and before I knew it, I saw darkness.

--

I woke up with my body screaming in pain, I groaned as I slowly stood up from the door, cracking my knuckles and stretched my back, arms, and legs. It was the most uncomfortable sleep I’ve ever gotten. Memories from last night flashed in my mind and I internally cringed, I can’t believe that I cried again. I sighed, not knowing what am I going to do with the newfound information that I got from you last night, and I frowned at the thought.

“I’ll never sleep on a door again,” I mentally took note of it and went to the kitchen to prepare some hangover soup and grab some painkillers.

On the process of making said hangover soup, your words still linger in my mind, somehow my chest felt lighthearted for a moment, like all the weight that I’ve been carrying for months has been lifted but I knew that I’ll be experiencing pain again so might as well just get on with it. I’m too tired to think about anything else other than getting back to sleep with comfort this time.

Once I’m done making the soup, I poured a glass of water and placed a few pills of packed painkillers in a tray and carried it to my room. I stopped in front of my door and ‘knocked’ with my foot, while both of my hands are carrying the tray

“Minjoo? It’s me,” I spoke through the door “I brought you some soup and painkillers. Can you let me in?”

After a few moments of silence, I heard footsteps from the other side of the door and the door swung open to reveal you with disheveled hair, droopy eyes, and wrinkled clothes. Your other hand (that is not holding the doorknob) is massaging your temple.

“Hey,” you said while making way for me to get inside. I stepped inside my room and made my way to put the tray on my study table beside my bed. I took a seat on the chair nearby and you followed suit by sitting on the bed. You stared at the surroundings of my room, following your gaze as the sunlight peering from the window, making you shine, your brown eyes became brighter. I used to stare at your eyes but I guess it was an old habit of mine. Your focus was landed on the empty wall in front of us, where our Polaroid pictures used to be displayed with a huge sign that said ‘HYEJOO’ a few inches above. Yena and Yujin took it down because it breaks my heart seeing it and knowing I had to look at it every morning.

None of us spoke for a moment and the only sound that can be heard is the city outside, the clock on my study table ticking and my foot slightly tapping the carpeted floor. I couldn’t take the awkward silence so I decided to speak

“Hey, how’s your head?” I broke the silence and your gaze returned to me.

“My head still hurts but I can tell that I’m sober” you smiled at me “But it was a nightmare having these headaches. I’m never drinking again”

We both laughed and I gestured to the tray on my table “By the way, I made you soup and I packed you painkillers so you can drink them when your head hurts.”

“Thank you but can I ask you something, Hyewon?”

“Yes?”

“Did I say something to you last night? Like something embarrassing?”

I knew that you won't remember it but I only smiled and said

“Aside from denying that you weren't heavy from me carrying our here in my bedroom to repeatedly poking my cheeks, nothing from what I've witnessed." I smiled. I didn't bother telling the truth since it won't change anything at all.

You thanked me with a smile. I returned the smile and stood up from the table and made my way to my closet, picking out some spare clothes “Well if you need me, I’ll be downstairs. I’ll get you some clothes for you to change into, there are new toothbrushes and other stuff for you to use in the bathroom in this room”

Once I’ve gathered what she needed, I handed it to her but you stared at the clothes for a second and smiled

“You still had my clothes?” I looked down to see it was indeed your clothes that I just handed out. I didn’t realize it since it was at the far side of the closet, right beside the clean towels and unused toothbrushes that I bought a few days before. I just kept it since I didn’t get the chance to return it due to my busy schedule.

“Well, I guess I do. I didn’t have the chance to return it” I shrugged while putting my hands in my pockets.

“Well thank you for keeping them, by the way.” You said with still a smile on your face. You stood up from the bed and wrapped your arms around me for a hug. I was surprised at first, I just froze from my place, with my arms not knowing what to do. You laughed

“Why are you so stiff? We used to hug all the time”

I guess you were right and wrapped my arms around you as well. Hugging you brought back memories but this time I would like to remember since your hugs are the ones that I used to love. Once we pulled away, you went towards the study table and I stepped out of the room for you to have your time alone.

--

Minutes have passed and I'm sitting on my couch, on my phone, chatting with Yena, Yujin and Sakura. I was about to send a meme to them but the door opened to reveal you, fully clothed with your old clothes and a smile on your face. I noticed a tag is sticking out and the sewn lines on your sweater, showing that you wore it wrongly

I shook my head while pointing out

“Hey Minjoo, you wore your hoodie wrong again” I said with a laugh. You looked down to your sweater and blushed

“Oh my! Be right back!” You went back to my room. I only smiled

“Minjoo gatto”

(Minjoo is at it again)

As I was about to go back to my phone, there was a knock on the door. I made my way and opened the door to see a girl smiling at me.

“Hi, I'm Kim Chaewon, you must be Hyewon, Minjoo told me alot about you” she introduced herself to me with a bow. I nodded, bowed back and stepped aside for her to enter. I invited her to sit down on the couch and for some coffee but my bedroom door flew open. Chaewon and mine's gaze went to the door to see you running towards Chaewon to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Chaewonniee I missed you. I'm sorry about yesterday though” you said in a baby like voice. I only smiled awkwardly while rubbing the back of my neck with my hand. You pulled away from the hug and gestured Chaewon

“Hyewon, she's Chaewon. My girlfriend”

Chaewon only smiled and told you that she already introduced herself to me. I could see the love in your eyes when you looked at her, the same look when you looked at me before. I would be lying that I would say that I didn't miss it, but it's nothing but a memory to me. What can I do? I hope you treat Chaewon well.

"Well, we should be heading our way." Chaewon said and I led you both out to the door.

"Thank you Hyewon, for taking care of Minjoo's drunk last night. I appreciate it" Chaewon said and I told her it's fine. Minus the crying part that is but I wouldn't let her know. "It was also nice meeting you Hyewon"

“Likewise” I replied

Well thank you for everything, Hyewon" you said with a smile "Hope to see you soon"

For the first time in a while, I looked forward to it.

“Hope to see you soon as well” I replied with a smile