The moment he knew he will occupy the position of being a leader he swore that he will protect the image and the name of the group – INFINITE. He’ll put the members’ feelings first over others, including himself. He will be responsible for the kids and make sure they would never feel alone, unloved and un-appreciated. Thus, Kim Sunggyu perfectly done his job as a leader throughout this whole journey of INFINITE. Ofcourse their teamwork and hard-work is the first factor why they have made it this far. From a new debuted group from an unknown and small agency – almost in the verge of disbanding to a well-known and one of the respected groups in Korea and Overseas.

They have all different personalities and keeping them all in line was a hard thing but Sunggyu does it and gain their respect. Once the members have fights, he will be the one to get in the middle and take no one’s side after hearing both sides. He respected all their opinions and gave them advice that can help them through their concerns that’s why the kids saw him as a strong leader that can lean on and can depend on as what they always say on broadcast yet Sunggyu knew it was not true. He is not a strong leader as what they claimed him to be. He knew he’s lacking. No one is perfect. No one will.

Woohyun once paid him a visit to his place, drunk. As soon as he saw his state he immediately took care of him and let him stay for the night instead of scolding and asking him what’s wrong with him. He learned that Woohyun was falsely accused of ual assault and it has been reported to all news broadcasting stations. Angered by this, Sunggyu immediately headed to his agency and talked to their director. It was not only because of the group’s image and his responsible of being a leader that he is doing this but also he consider them all as brothers and family and to saw how much Woohyun was almost a wreck after the accusation hurts him. Although he opposed the director’s decision of waiting it to tone down by silence he has no other choice. He just called Woohyun and told him that he doesn’t believe in those accusations and no matter what happens he will always believe him even if there’s no one who will believe in him. In the end, he thought he did nothing to help Woohyun and failed him as a leader and a friend/brother.

Their whole journey as a well-known celebrity wasn’t that easy by facing a lot of criticisms, and pressures. Their youngest, Lee Sungjong have it most compared to others. Started from having a feminine image, danced to a lot of girl group dances was fun at first not until a rumor was spread about his gender preference. While this rumor continued spreading, he noticed how their youngest changed from a bright and fairy-like maknae to a masculine and serious type of person. When the netizen noticed this changes from him soon the rumors toned down however, with those rumors, his bright smile also faded. He would always refused to do a girl group dance just to please the netizens about his masculinity. The members talked to him about this and they said the same thing “You don’t have to change yourself.” Except for Sunggyu who is quietly listening to all his concerns. When the members are gone to sleep, Sunggyu patted Sungjong’s hair that shocked the latter as he knew his hyung is not that type of person who’s affectionate. “Try to smile again, everyone miss that bright smile.” Was all he could say and once again, Sunggyu thought he failed as a leader and a Hyung.

Dongwoo was known for the easiest to cry in the group but it scared Sunggyu when they heard the news of his father passing, Dongwoo didn’t cried a single tear. He just told their manager that he wants to talk to the CEO to ask for his approval. He wants to return to Korea and take care of his father’s funeral. Their director might not be the perfect director he is but he consider them as his family and treasures them so much. He’s thankful for all members’ hardwork that the company is now able to stand and debut other artists too. When he learned about Dongwoo’s request, he responded with “You don’t need my approval, it’s an understandable situation and I personally request you to go back here and mourn first.” After muttering a single thanks, Dongwoo quietly went to his hotel room and pack his things. This sad news shocked every one of them and wished to mourn with Dongwoo but it’s a bit late if they will gonna cancel the concert tomorrow thus they have no other choice. First thing they did on the morning was to accompany Dongwoo to the airport, it was the least thing they can do right now to comfort the grieving heart of their brother, Each members’ parents treat them as their own , it hurts to know that one of their parents is now gone. Sunggyu who is behind Dongwoo back-hugged him in front of the fans as a remembrance to the latter that he and the other members are there for him. His gestures might not lessen the sadness Dongwoo feels right now but the latter appreciate those little gestures from his leader.

Days after his father’s death, INFINITE was scheduled to have their comeback after a year and 2 months, Sunggyu visited Dongwoo on their family restaurant and there he was, greeting every customer with a huge smile plastered on his face but Sunggyu knew it wasn’t his genuine smile. He’s been with him for 9 years so it was easy for him to know if he’s faking it or not. Even if Dongwoo’s smiling and laughing you will clearly notice the sadness in his eyes. Dongwoo notices his hyung and welcomed him. The reason why Sunggyu came is because of their nearly comeback, he knows that their and his fans will understand why he’s not going to promote with them but Dongwoo refused. His dongsaeng pursue to promote with them explaining that his father would want him to do the same thing if he was still here. Sunggyu warmly smiled at his dongsaeng and left him with a heartwarming message “All of us lost our Papa Jang, but he is now an angel who is guarding us. I’m so proud of having you as my dongsaeng”.

And for the first time, Sunggyu thinks he is now deserving to be called a leader.

But that thought lasts only for a year.

Years passed swiftly and little did they know, June 9, 2017 has come and the INFINITE’s contract has come to an end. Unlike the first contract signing, the second contract signing dealt with many discussions, there were many opinions and requests the agency needs to consider to make the members re-sign. Unlike from before, even if all of them want to change something on the terms and condition there was no choice for them but to accept since they will debut under them but for now, it’s hard to say that it was the same. Though their individual contract hasn’t ended yet, INFINITE still 7 members for the meantime. The members used those days to have discussions concerning their future plans and their opinion to the revised contract but still to no avail, there’s this one member who still doesn’t sign. August 30, 2017 came, Hoya’s last day from being an individual artist from Woollim Entertainment. Hoya decided to leave the group and the company. As Sunggyu heard this news, he wasn’t that shocked but Dongwoo didn’t managed to take it and cried for an hour and as he saw Dongwoo cried, he blamed himself for this. Honestly, Sunggyu was the only member who knew about Hoya’s plan to depart from the group. Hoya came to him personally and talked about what he wants to do in the future whereas he knew that some of them would not be granted by the company. Woollim Entertainment was known for a Music company and making music is their top priority. As Sunggyu saw Hoya’s eagerness to pursue acting he knew right there and then that Hoya will eventually leave them. As an individual, he has no right to stop him and that’s what he said, he respect his decision but as the leader, he took that only and last chance to speak  saying he should think about this manner more. Though he told Hoya to use the remaining days to think carefully about his acting and music career, he personally wish that he would stay by their side and continue promoting as a member of INFINITE.

Thus, when he heard about his departure and saw one of the member cried, he once again failed them as their leader.

Kim Sunggyu was thankful to all members’ having them by his side but he feels more gratitude towards Lee Sungyeol who always shows concerns towards him. He may be known as the choding of the group but in reality he was a mixture of a choding and a man. He is a caring man who always asks him if there is something bugging him or is having problems and that thought alone touched the leader’s heart. Eventhough he can’t tell him what’s wrong because for Sunggyu, the members should rely on him for he is the leader. He shouldn’t let the kids he was having problems. Yes, Pride is what Kim Sunggyu has. He’s not Lee Sungyeol if he wouldn’t prank s, do something embarrassing and regret it later but that’s part of his character. No matter what is his age, he will be love as the choding yeol though he hates it to be seen as choding.

Before they debut, Sungyeol was the member who has less confidence in himself, maybe he thinks that he lacks talent because he trained less compared to others but what Sunggyu thinks is that he wasn’t lacking in any talent aspects but he lacks the most in his self-confidence that he immediately request to the CEO he shouldn’t give him too much lines. But Sunggyu thinks otherwise, he heard the boy rap at their dorm, he heard the boy sing, he’s even greater than him in dancing and he’s also good in acting so he doesn’t understand why he has little self-confidence. But later on, Sungyeol learns to appreciate his self more and promise his fans to improve more and show them more of what he can do in the future. As INFINITE grew, Sunggyu was happy to watch how Lee Sungyeol grew and love himself.

And Sunggyu realized that within the 12 years of them being together, he hasn’t do something for Sungyeol as his leader because Sungyeol take all his concerns with himself. Sure, he gave them expensive gifts but those didn’t really fulfill his responsible as his leader. He failed, again.

And now, the time to fulfill a military duty has come. He will be gone for 2 years and he knew it won’t be that easy but he trusts s to make it through without him for a while. He sure did failed them as their leader from the start but the only thing he knew he didn’t fail was to give his trusts to s to protect INFINITE. He realized that they have been doing the same, he wasn’t the only one protecting it. They have been sharing the same responsibility from the very start and he was glad and thankful for that. The members also want to protect the group image by keeping away from paparazzi’s hawk eyes. It is a well-known fact that paparazzi’s first target is the artists dating life. They loved to pry about someone’s dating life and then will be consider as a scandal when it was revealed. So as far as possible they tried not   having a major interaction with female idols or celebrities.

Sunggyu doesn’t know if INFINITE was just too plain lucky or they were not doing their job. Of course it’s not like he wants to have a scandal but he knew s, all of them were grown up men, it’s not a surprising thing if they date. Or maybe the members were just too good at hiding from the cameras? On his several years on the industry, he had met various women, some tried to flirt with him and there were some he also tried to flirt with. Yes, Kim Sunggyu never dated since his debut. He admits that in the first successful years of INFINITE, he really tried hard not to date because he was afraid of the outcome – having the same reactions from the fans when Myungsoo’s scandal was revealed. It will be more shocking if he would say that he – Kim Sunggyu didn’t have any love confession from a female idol. Of course he does, tons of them but the confession he wouldn’t forget is from a member of a group they considered to be a sister or just friends.

The first time he heard it he didn’t took it seriously, he thinks she just responded to a question thrown at her but he must admit, her answer caught him off guard, he didn’t think that she will directly chose him as her ideal type. It’s rare for a female idol to name her ideal type as it will caused a rumor but she – she fearlessly answered that question. He thought it will end there, but it didn’t. It was followed by another “What I said in the filming wasn’t a lie sunbaenim.” She said when we almost bumped into each other. They just stared at each other for a seconds there, not saying a word. He wasn’t able to utter a word. He doesn’t know if he will reject here of accept her because admit it or not, he grew feelings towards the girl who bravely confessed to him last year. He cursed himself, where was the coolness of Kim Sunggyu last year? Why can’t he answered her like before? Just then, Myungsoo’s hurt, stressed face appeared right into his mind. He recalls the memory of Myungsoo, breaking down on their dorm, afraid of being kicked out of the team, afraid that he might get the team disbanded by just his careless actions. He shouldn’t do the same mistake. He should think of s first. Kim Myungsoo loves INFINITE more than anything, more than anyone, probably more than he does.

He rejected Jung Eunji but that doesn’t mean his feelings fade. Not even a bit, as time goes by, his feelings grew much more. He was contented on sneaking glances at her whenever they meet. Sunggyu haven’t heard a word about her since that day and when he had the chance to saw her, she looks happy. He was having mix emotions, he was happy and sad.

Happy for her because she didn’t let his rejection to go through the way of their success and sad for the fact that she completely forget about him. Is he that easy to forget?

A year passed swiftly for them not having an issue, have a successful comeback for solo and group promotion, and still having their successful 2^nd world tour. 2015 was surely a good year for them.

And who would have thought that a year after he rejected Eunji they will be having an on stage interaction? He was invited to do a special duet stage with her. He tried to refuse the offer after knowing that but his director didn’t let him. Telling him that it’s a good chance to prove the dating rumors false months ago but for Sunggyu it doesn’t matter, really. There was no point. On the other thought, he thought he should savior that moment. He may act that he doesn’t want to do this duet but deep down inside, he knew to himself he liked no, he loved the feeling of hearing their voices blend together. After their special stage he directly went back to their dressing room unknowingly that he was followed by a furious Eunji.

“You could have refused to do this duet with me. You completely ignored me for 2 minutes and what? Looked at me for 3 seconds?” He just stared at her. Feeling that rapid heartbeats inside his chest, this girl can really make him feel weird things. “You’re not mute. Answer me will you?” He can sense the irritation on her voice. He wants to play with her more. She looked cute when she pissed off and for the first time after several months, he saw her face to face and he agreed on what Woohyun has said when Apink had their performance earlier. They look more beautiful, in his eyes, the woman in front of him standout the most, with her perfect vocal and an adorable face who wouldn’t like her?

“I did try to refuse.” Sunggyu saw pain crossed her eyes and he instantly cursed himself on his mind. “You dislike me that much?” Eunji asked him with a hint of pain in her voice. Once again, he couldn’t find the right choice of words to say. He was ready to leave when she grabbed his arm and made him listened “I don’t know what to do anymore for you to notice me. I have like you for 4 years now and the only thing you kept on doing is to make me cry.” He heard her sobs and he tried his best not to hug her. He wants to hug her so tight but he know he can’t. If he does, it means he chose to once again break his dongsaengs heart and crashed their dreams just because of his selfish doings. He tried to get away from her grip but she held him tighter.

“Just let me finish first Sunbaenim. You know what’s the thing giving me hope and not to let you go? It’s because I haven’t heard it from you. You never told me to stop liking you. You never told me to forget my feelings and move on and I want to know why? Why? Can you just tell me you don’t like me back and I will gladly never talk to you again.  Please Sunbae”

But Sunggyu didn’t listened to her pleas. No he would not. If he gives her what she wants she might really leave him alone and he doesn’t want that. I’m sorry Eunji-ah, you got dragged down into my selfishness was the words he wanted to tell her. He doesn’t want her to find another guy, he wants her for himself only but when the moment he would blurt those words out, it can affect both of their careers, not only for them but also their members. He needs to consider s first before himself.

He tried again to get away as she started to talk again. “You can’t say it because you feel the same right sunbae?” What Eunji told him made him stopped, Eunji confirmed that she was right all along. As she was still drowned on her own thoughts, Sunggyu tried once again and successfully got out from her grip and walked away from her leaving her alone and crying.

And that was the last time she talked to him. She completely ignored him and considered he’s not existing at all. Sunggyu knew he deserves that. He was a coward after all.

He didn’t knew what gotten into him but one day after 3 years, he felt that he was now ready to take a step forward. How funny that it took him many years to take one step ahead but he wouldn’t get this chance wasted. He would take the risk even if Eunji doesn’t feel the same anymore.

One sunny day, Myungsoo paid him a visit and tell him that he would ask someone out. It has been a long time since he dated, the wound from the past really scarred him that he almost thought that his dongsaeng does not have any plans to meet a girl and date. And now that he decided to date again, he supported him even though it pains him when he learned who he plans to date.

A day before his first solo concert, someone appeared outside his place. Eunji visited him. This was their first personal interaction since what happened almost 3 years ago. She did look good, having her long wavy black hair down. He noticed her simple make up almost thinking that she does not wore any make up. She looks beautiful. The look Sunggyu is giving her somewhat made her uncomfortable. She was used to his cold stare. Eunji cleared and started to talk and accomplish what she wanted.

“Myungsoo oppa confessed.” Sunggyu doesn’t look any surprised. He nodded as a response.

“I heard”

“Ha! You heard. And you don’t care at all. Of course! What would I expect?” Eunji sarcastically laughed but continued “I am still a fool trying to catch your attention! I don’t even know why I still love you when the only thing you’re doing to me is to make me cry?” Tears started falling from her beautiful eyes. Sunggyu looked away, unable to stand seeing her crying. Months ago, he was prepared to confess to the woman in front of him but fate really wants to play with him. When he thought that everything’s allright, Myungsoo came to him asking if he deserved another chance to be in love and that he was planning to confess. He then asked who the lucky girl was but when her name came out from his mouth, he regretted asking him because as soon as her name came out, his leadership and the team was on the line, once again.

“Why can’t you just admit it to yourself?” Eunji yelled between her sobs. She just cannot take Sunggyu’s cruelty anymore. She has always been a fool trying to make him notice her but nothing happened.  Sunggyu sighed “Why can’t you just forget about that? Leave it alone in the past. Nothing’s going to change even if I tell you I loved you and I still do.”

“Yes Eunji, we’ve been having the same feelings since Running Man happened but I just can’t do some selfish decisions that can put the team at risk. You can call me coward, selfish but I don’t regret any of my decisions back then and you heard it right, I still love you but there’s Myungsoo.” Sunggyu wipes her tears off from her beautiful face and kissed her forehead. That’s the least thing he could do to her for all the pain he caused. “You should forget me for real from now on. Be happy with my dongsaeng. He had been through a lot. Having like you at his side would make him forget all the painful past he had.”

What she heard hurts her even more. Can Kim Sunggyu could be much more cruel than this? After telling her he loves her too, he wants her to forget all her feelings and start anew with Myungsoo? Why can’t he just choose her for the first time? Is it really that hard for him to choose her? “Why are you doing this to me sunbae? Am I that really hard to choose?” Sunggyu shook his head at her question. “No no! If things were different I would gladly choose you.” Sunggyu sighed and gave her the answer she needed since the very beginning.

“I’m sorry Eunji-ah, but it has been my family over anything. Family over anyone. Family over myself. Always.”

Myungsoo-ah? I didn’t failed as your leader right?

A day after that, he announced his enlistment date which would happen next week.

Those were just one of the many moments he thinks he failed them and most likely, he failed himself.

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I don't think this is good.

This one-shot is just a dedication to my hamster Gyu! :)