Ever since Sooyoung can remember she’s had this thing with Jinsoul. She doesn’t know exactly what it is but there’s something. For a while she just called it their connection and left it at that. The thing that they have is nothing really, it’s simple yet too complex to dig deeper into it. Deep enough where it becomes scary.

So Sooyoung doesn’t let herself think about it too much. How she comes back home (if she could really call Jinsoul’s tiny apartment on the corner of busted down street in Seoul her home) to Jinsoul. She sleeps here every night and she wakes up with blonde hair in every morning. 

They’ve never talked about it. How they know each other’s routines and how they wait for each other before either going to bed or heading out to grab dinner. How Jinsoul wakes up with her in the morning to make her some toast as she gets ready for work despite the blonde not having classes until the afternoon. 

It’s all an unspoken ritual.

This connection they have.

Sooyoung is awake due to a bad dream, she wakes up in a sweat but cools down once she feels soft hands trail over her tummy. Laying back down into the sheet Jinsoul mumbles something and brings her closer. Sooyoung’s breathing doesn’t change when Jinsoul calls her baby in that sweet voice, nor does it when she brings long limbs to wrap around her body protectively. 

It isn’t strange to Sooyoung, how safe she feels with Jinsoul. But she’s never told her that. They’ve never spoken about their feelings, if there were even any to begin with. They’ve never established what this is, Sooyoung’s never told Jinsoul what she thinks of her, if she even likes her. Jinsoul never said a word to Sooyoung either. It was good so they just went with it without ever putting a title on it or giving it meaning.

It just happened, Sooyoung had weasled her way into Jinsoul’s life while the blonde became hers. They never agreed on anything, just that Sooyoung would return to her every night without question. 

Six months ago, maybe even seven is when Sooyoung started showing up at Jinsoul’s door every night instead of her brother’s without an explanation. Jinsoul never asked for one and she’d let Sooyoung in without a second thought, until she started to come back every night, and the night turned into evening and sometimes Sooyoung didn’t leave at all.

They’ve been friends of friends for a few years. Sooyoung’s always liked the way Jinsoul dressed. One night they were all out, in celebration of a mutual friend's birthday. Sooyoung found herself walking home a tispy Jinsoul. The blonde had whined and groaned about being sleepy and Sooyoung was more than sober enough to take her home.

Jinsoul invited her in for more drinks.

But instead Sooyoung found herself getting drunk off the mess of kisses and broken moans. At first that’s what had Sooyoung coming back. Was how good it felt with Jinsoul, but now it felt impossible with how she couldn’t imagine it with no one other than Jinsoul.

Sooyoung doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to feel this good with anyone else. Jinsoul knows her body through and through. She knows how many moles she has and which ones liked to be kissed. She knows where to bite and she knows when to squeeze. Sooyoung felt uneasy at first with someone knowing her this well.

When Jinsoul knew she needed to be held and when she needed it to be painful.

And that’s the weird part about it all. She doesn’t know much about Jinsoul. They’ve never really talked about anything at all. Their communication was through the stolen glances and morning kisses. The tight holds at night where neither of them could breathe if they weren’t tangled in each other. 

Then again, Sooyoung knows everything about Jinsoul.

She knows the blonde can’t sleep without her and stays up until she gets home. She knows when she’s mad because she’ll turn her back to her until Sooyoung realizes she hasn’t done the laundry so she wakes up extra early to get it done and returns to tell Jinsoul sorry through rubbing her back soothingly.

She knows that Jinsoul laughs at the stupidest jokes she makes and doesn’t break a smile when things are actually funny. That she’d rather make expressions than actually speaking because she hates how slow her voice is. But Sooyoung loves how it draws out and mumbles over words.

It makes her feel like the world isn’t spinning as fast as it used to be. Time with Jinsoul feels real and that’s all that matters.

That she smiles at everything and Sooyoung finds herself smiling with her too. She finds herself being as happy as Jinsoul is. 

But Sooyoung knows that Jinsoul isn’t as happy as she seems. That she cries when she’s not around and gets embarrassed when Sooyoung comes home too early to see the redness still in her eyes. Sooyoung never asks what's wrong or if she’s okay. She doesn’t try to fix the cracks in Jinsoul’s expression.

She knows she’s broken from something in the past. The way she sings and plays the piano. Jinsoul is always sad when she plays and Sooyoung hates that she finds it so beautiful. She hates that she doesn’t know this side of Jinsoul and why it hurts to feel Jinsoul sob when the blonde thinks she’s asleep. 

But those are tiny moments in their several months. So Sooyoung doesn’t think about them often, even though she still has nightmares of Jinsoul crying.

She has nightmares of not waking up next to her.

Those are only nightmares though. When the real dream is when she comes home from a long day at work and the blonde is playing music and fixing greasy food. When she pulls on Sooyoung’s hands to the tiny junction of a kitchen and living area and forces her exhausted body to dance. 

Sooyoung then knows that it’s more than just a connection with Jinsoul. It’s a life she’s built with her. One she doesn’t have a clue about.

Because they never ask and they never talk about it because then it won’t feel like a dream anymore. They just allow themselves to do whatever because it feels right and nothing will ever feel the same after all this.

Sooyoung doesn’t know how long this will last or even what to call it.

But she knows she wants it to last forever. 

Later on, the silence in Jinsoul’s home becomes quiet whispered words. After bringing each other to new heights Sooyoung discovers she likes small talk when it’s with Jinsoul. They rest in the pillows with still tangled limbs and buzzing bodies and talk about everything except themselves.

Jinsoul tells her about her classes and the weird students she comes across. Sooyoung complains about customers and how they have terrible fashion taste. They giggle at their misfortune but smile at the gratefulness of having each other.

One night however, Jinsoul opens up for the very first time and Sooyoung learns about her through shakey words. Everything she’s learned about Jinsoul so far is by watching her for the long time that she has. Through observations and touches, but this brings it all together.

Why she comes home to Jinsoul crying every now and then.

The blonde sniffles at first, clinging onto her old shirt that’s ripped at the pits, “my dad is really mad at me.” Sooyoung doesn’t say anything she only listens, it’s all she can do at the moment because she hasn’t learned how to comfort Jinsoul through words. “He thinks I’m gonna leave him and my brothers behind like my mom did.” 

Sooyoung has no idea what’s happened in Jinsoul’s past or if her dad is actually mad at her. Or if this is just her way of telling her with an excuse. Jinsoul has a hard exterior, Sooyoung noticed because she pouts up at the smallest things but is unaffected by the serious situations. Sooyoung holds her as she cries, she didn’t know Jinsoul had brothers or was abandoned by her mom. Maybe that’s why she allows Sooyoung to be so flippant about this connection they have, so that she doesn’t scare her away like her Dad did with her mom.

She doesn’t think Jinsoul wants to open up those wounds but she’s so eager to know, “what was your mom like?” Sooyoung doesn’t understand why she presses at the cracks.

It may be the first personal thing she’s asked Jinsoul. Besides what she wants from the 7/11 or what’s her choice at the local BBQ. 

Jinsoul’s answer tells her she isn’t anything like her mom. That her dad isn’t really mad at her. Really Jinsoul’s just afraid of them thinking that, since she rarely goes home anymore. It just hurts because she can’t do anything about the emptiness in their home. No matter how many times she tries to voice the pain out through song writing.

The emptiness is still there.

But Sooyoung fills it up with something Jinsoul’s never experienced.

“A lot like you.”

Sooyoung’s heartbeat quickens.

“Quiet.”

~~~~

It’s summer and Sooyoung can’t peel Jinsoul off of her. Even though there’s a few fans and an open window, the ac is still broken and it’s hotter than hell inside their bedroom. Sooyoung started to refer to Jinsoul's as her own home a few months ago. When she finally went to her brothers to grab all her to bring it to Jinsoul’s. The blonde was surprised when it was only a few boxes.

They stick to each other and the sheets are barely around their half bodies. Sooyoung attempts to escape once again but Jinsoul groans. “Nooo stop trying to get away from me.”

Sooyoung snorts, as if she’ll ever leave this girl’s side. “I’m hot as .”

Jinsoul peeks up, “yeah you are.” Her voice is lower and the spark in Sooyoung’s lower tummy is stronger than ever.

Sooyoung takes the opportunity to roll them over and just when Jinsoul thinks the room is about to get hotter Sooyoung hops off of her. Jinsoul whines and cries as Sooyoung pulls her pants on even though it makes her wanna gag since her legs are sticky with sweat. 

“I’m gonna go get ice cream.” Sooyoung tells her because that would be the perfect solution for the heat. She doesn’t ask Jinsoul what she wants because she already knows. Sooyoung walks the arid streets with energy, something she’s had ever since she started being around Jinsoul.

Still she doesn’t know what to call it. What they have. But it’s better than ever and Sooyoung seriously thinks this may be her future even if the thought scares her.

When she returns Jinsoul is leaning against the kitchen counter with a cold rag against her neck and a personal fan. Sooyoung can’t help but smile at the sight, Jinsoul’s only got some poor excuse of underwear and a tank top on. 

Sliding towards her she presses a popsicle to her forehead and the blonde moans in delight as she takes it from Sooyoung. 

As they cool down with the sugary treats Sooyoung lets her eyes rest into Jinsoul’s. “You’ve gotten tan.” Jinsoul informs her and Sooyoung looks down at her own skin that’s usually a bit paler.

She shrugs, “well it’s summer.”

The blonde giggles and Sooyoung doesn’t know what’s so funny. Jinsoul then snuggles into her side without warning and the only thing that’s funny is how hard Sooyoung’s heart is beating and it’s not from heat exhaustion. “It’s so easy being around you.” Jinsoul says and Sooyoung doesn’t notice her popsicle running down her hand.

It’s the first time Jinsoul’s ever spoken about her feelings. They’ve never spoken about them. Even though Sooyoung has been sleeping with this girl over a year now. She’s been waking up to her for over a year and she still doesn’t know how to tell Jinsoul that she doesn’t ever want to stop.

But Jinsoul seems to understand. She doesn’t care that this isn’t really anything but a connection. A connection that was so strong now that Sooyoung doesn’t think it could be broken without leaving a piece of herself behind with Jinsoul. But she has no intentions of doing that.

They’ve wordlessly bonded together and gotten so attached that the world doesn’t feel real if they’re not together. Sooyoung stares at Jinsoul at night and thinks about how she’s never told Jinsoul that she loves her smile and that she doesn’t know what she’d do if she didn’t wake up to her.

She doesn’t know how to tell Jinsoul.

That what she feels is love.

Something she’s never had before.

A year ago today it was so simple. Sooyoung liked it that way where she didn’t have to make something of this. That Jinsoul didn’t bombard her with the things she didn’t quite understand yet. But now she wants to make everything from this because she’s comfortable with the overwhelming feeling that she gets when Jinsoul looks at her full of devotion. 

She wants to start voicing her feelings to Jinsoul. She wants to start shouting them at her. She wants to tell the whole world about Jinsoul.

But all she wants to do now is kiss that stupid smile on her lips. So she does, she kisses Jinsoul like her life depended on it. Because now it felt like it did. If she didn’t kiss Jinsoul she might disappear in front of her eyes.

Sooyoung’s heartbeat races when she lifts Jinsoul onto the counter and hears her name muttered breathlessly, Jinsoul calls her baby in that sweet voice and it makes Sooyoung dizzy with how much she needs this. When long limbs wrap around her she feels like her heart may explode so she squeezes onto Jinsoul like she’s her life line. The popsicles start to melt as soon as Jinsoul does. 

The world used to spin so fast.

But now it stills to a stop when she feels Jinsoul’s breath against her own. 

~~~~

They’ve just got done watching a movie with friends. Jinsoul has to push away Sooyoung’s face ever so often since the girl won’t stop groping her and whispering dirty things in her ear.

As they pile out of the theater, Jinsoul thinks that she can’t wait to get home and be with Sooyoung.

But as Sooyoung walks off with Taemin Jinsoul’s pulled back by a small hand. She quips an eyebrow up at Haseul who’s smiling, “you wanna come back to my place? We’re all gonna have drinks and play board games.”

Jinsoul looks back at Sooyoung who is waving off Taemin and her heart pounds. “Um I’m good I was gonna go back with-“

“Sooyoung yeah yeah, you know Jinsoul you don’t have to walk her home every time.” Jinsoul swallows hard and decides to tell her.

“No we uh live together Haseul.” The younger girl blinks at her and then pulls back in shock. Jinsoul doesn’t like the knowing smirk on her face.

The girl pushes her shoulder, “are you two together?” Jinsoul panics and glances back at Sooyoung who’s waiting for her, hands in her pockets and smiling softly.

Jinsoul’s heart beats erratically. “No...It’s not, we just live together, it's easier on the bills.” Haseul doesn’t believe her at all and Jinsoul breaks, “I don’t know Seul I’m gonna go.”

The blonde rushes off without a second thought and towards Sooyoung who holds out her hand for Jinsoul. It shouldn’t hurt this much. Not knowing what this is. But it does, it hurts Jinsoul in a way she doesn’t know how to cope with.

Because she knows exactly what she wants from Sooyoung. And she’ll continue to pretend that she doesn’t until Sooyoung’s ready for her. So she doesn’t scare her away.

So that it doesn’t actually become nothing at all.

~~~~

It’s cold outside now and Sooyoung snuggles into the blankets and inhales deeply. It smells like Jinsoul and Sooyoung doesn’t want to move from this spot for the rest of her life. 

She smiles and can’t wait for Jinsoul to get home from her classes just so she can have the real thing.

Sooyoung hears the front door open and can’t help but smile widely enough to make her eyes crinkle up. Something was different nowadays. Now things were much more intimate between them, wasn’t the same, sleeping wasn’t the same, hell even eating with Jinsoul wasn’t the same. Sooyoung knows they don’t have anymore, it’s love that they make together. She doesn’t sleep unless Jinsoul’s nestled between her arms. She can’t eat unless she’s fed Jinsoul every bite of her meal first.

Jinsoul walks into the bedroom with her coat and boots still on, snow sticks to her blonde hair and Sooyoung thinks she may be an angel.

But there’s a look on her face that Sooyoung doesn’t recognize. 

The blonde doesn’t dart into the bed like she usually does, trying to seep some of the cold from outside into Sooyoung’s body. It’s not like Sooyoung minds, she loves warming Jinsoul up. But no, she doesn’t do any of that. She doesn’t attack Sooyoung’s face with soft kisses or give her an equally loving smile. She doesn’t whisper out her name since she’s missed her all day. 

Jinsoul stares at her with a broken expression and Sooyoung ponders, has she forgotten the laundry once again? Jinsoul seems angry and a bit fed up with something and doesn’t come near the bed instead going to sit on a dresser across the room.

Sooyoung sits up in the bed, suddenly feeling colder than ever. Jinsoul crosses her arms, “hey.”

She doesn’t like how straight laced that voice is, “hey baby.”

The pet name seems to cut at her and Sooyoung soon realizes the mistake she’s been making all along. The entire time. “Someone asked me out today.”

Sooyoung’s heart drops to her stomach, “oh?”

“Like on a date.” Jinsoul mumbles out her voice cold. It’s like she’s realized the mistake Sooyoung made as well.

Swallowing she pulls the sheets up and says the wrong thing, “well what did you say?”

Jinsoul snaps at that, raising up, “seriously Sooyoung? I said no...what else would I say.” That’s where the dream comes falling apart and Sooyoung panics, “what is this?” 

Sooyoung stares at Jinsoul like she’s a foreign object. Two years she hasn’t told Jinsoul her feelings. They’ve never made a promise to be loyal to each other or if this is a commitment. Sooyoung never told her she had to stop seeing people or that she couldn’t be with anyone else. Jinsoul isn’t hers, because she’s never asked her to be.

She hasn’t been with anyone since she’s been with Jinsoul. Sooyoung never did like to date or sleep around in the first place but Jinsoul was just a lucky surprise. She hated thinking about feelings and such because they never lasted, but now all she can think about is how she can keep Jinsoul because this feeling will never end.

Sooyoung never claimed Jinsoul. Never said she was hers to keep. Never told her that they were together where they couldn’t be with other people and when they asked Jinsoul should say, Oh I’m with Ha Sooyoung. But Jinsoul can’t say that because they’ve never established it. And Sooyoung can’t be mad that someone asked Jinsoul out. She couldn’t be mad if Jinsoul said yes, she can only be happy that Jinsoul said no.

“I-I don’t know.” She answers truthfully and regrets it as soon as she sees Jinsoul break.

The blonde sighs, “so it doesn’t matter if I go on a date with him or not.” 

Sooyoung shakes her head as much as she wants to scream yes. She wants to tell Jinsoul that she’s not allowed to go because Jinsoul is hers. You’re mine and only mine. Sooyoung’s never been possessive over someone but how can she be when she’s never got permission. 

“I’ll tell him I’ve changed my mind.” Jealousy eats at Sooyoung but she knows it is her fault. That is the reason why Jinsoul was doing this to get a rise out of her. To finally bring reality to this dream but Sooyoung doesn’t want it to stop being a dream. She hates these feelings of jealousy and doubt that comes with reality. She wants to stay in this bubble forever with Jinsoul but the girl has done and popped it from being smothered.

She watches Jinsoul get ready with her heart down to her stomach. She sits and wonders if Jinsoul’s done this behind her back before. It’s not like she told her she couldn’t. But Sooyoung knows better, she’s been the only one in Jinsoul’s life because the blonde is constantly wanting her to come home and is always in bed before she is. 

Sooyoung trusts Jinsoul. Even now as she gets ready to go on a date with someone that’s not her. Sooyoung’s more mad at the fact she’s never taken Jinsoul on a date, at least a real one with promises of love and devotion. So all she can do is trust Jinsoul to come back home in time. Or not go at all. 

All she can do is trust her with everything in her to come back to her.

Jinsoul applies her lipstick and Sooyoung can’t help it anymore, “you’re so beautiful Jinsoul.” The blonde’s lip quivers but she bites it away. It’s the first time Sooyoung’s ever told her that besides when she’s making her come. Sooyoung only told her she’s beautiful in those tiny slips of time, hoping the high of an makes her forget that she told her at all.

Sooyoung says it only then because she’s afraid of Jinsoul seeing how much she loves her.

Jinsoul turns and with glossy eyes she begs Sooyoung to tell her not to go. To stay right where she belongs. But Sooyoung knows that isn’t fair, Jinsoul should at least try and see if all of this was worth it. If she was worth it. Maybe after all this time Sooyoung’s done the right thing and she should let Jinsoul go and find someone who isn’t afraid to say I love you.

“I’ll be back.” Jinsoul tells her because she already knows she’ll be coming back to Sooyoung, but the older girl doesn’t know that yet.

Sooyoung makes her realize that by asking, “do you want me to stay somewhere else tonight?”

Sooyoung hasn’t stayed anywhere else in two years. This is her home as much as it is Jinsoul’s. The blonde rolls her eyes up trying not to cry, “no Sooyoung no please...I need you to be here when I get back.”

Jinsoul’s tired of the clueless game they’re playing. 

So she steps out onto the snow covered streets once again.

~~~~

Sooyoung cries for the first time in years. It isn’t a normal cry either, it’s a painful wreck of sobs that jerk through her body. She buries her face into the pillows and wails out like a baby who’s blanket’s been taken.

Her blanket is Jinsoul, warm and soft. Sooyoung can’t sleep without her, she doesn’t feel safe without her and she’s so attached that it hurts when she’s away. She’ll never be able to grow apart from Jinsoul and that's when she knows she has to tell her. She has to throw away this unspoken agreement and make it real. Because Sooyoung won’t feel real unless she does,

Sooyoung resists the urge to call and beg her to come back home. Not to this cramped apartment they share, but into her arms. So she can tell her how amazing and beautiful she is without moans muffling the sound of her spilling her heart out. So she can tell Jinsoul that she’s in love with her and has been ever since the blonde has sung her a song and showed the cracks built within her vulnerability. 

She’s never needed someone like she’s needed Jinsoul. And she knows that when the smell of Jinsoul’s hair on the pillows isn't enough to calm her down.

After a few hours Sooyoung dries out of tears and stares at the door from the bedroom. There’s an old clock sitting in a clutter of things in the corner of the room. The only thing she has left from her parents. It clicks way too fast and Sooyoung is reminded that she needs Jinsoul before she spirals out of control.

The door clicks open and the world stills. 

It’s earlier and Jinsoul’s only been gone for less than two hours. The blonde slowly shuts the door back and turns and Sooyoung notices the tears on her face as well. Jinsoul smiles at her and whispers her name and she knows she’s been missed.

Jinsoul rips most of her clothes off and sits on the side of the bed besides Sooyoung. They don’t touch or look at each other. Because if they do they won’t be able to voice the swirling thoughts in their heads. 

Sooyoung starts off casually, scared to say what’s really on her mind. “You’re back early.”

Jinsoul softly chuckles, “yeah well it was kinda a bad date.” The blonde narrows her eyes, “I ditched him.” Jinsoul doesn’t feel the slightest bit guilty, the guy was egotistical so he needed a humbling experience.

“Yeah, what’d you two do?”

Jinsoul clenches her jaw, “he tried to take me to that ice skating rink, you know the one we go to all the time.” Sooyoung nods her head, memories of Jinsoul slipping and falling inside her mind. Memories of her sliding Jinsoul around with a protective embrace and the blonde doing everything from screaming and purposely falling to make her hold her tighter. Once they fell together and Jinsoul couldn’t help but kiss Sooyoung silly since she was so cute with quivering lips and red cheeks. “I wouldn’t go in because that’s where our first date was.”

Sooyoung doesn’t realize that Jinsoul didn’t need to be told that it was a date to make it one. Simply being with Sooyoung was enough. But the blonde’s right, that was their first date. A few weeks after they first slept together and Sooyoung wanted to do something other than getting the sheets tangled up. 

“Then we went to a fancy restaurant and I ordered something that I didn’t even like because I wanted to bring it back to you.” Jinsoul starts to breathe heavily and uneven. Sooyoung knows she’s about to start crying. “I went to bathroom and they had soap shaped like swans and I know how much you like going to see the babies at the first of summer and-”

Jinsoul chokes out a sob and Sooyoung reaches for her, the blonde cries and whimpers out but Sooyoung can understand. She’ll always understand Jinsoul.

“I’m so in love with you.” 

Sooyoung melts into her and holds her tighter than ever before. She wants Jinsoul to know that this is what she wants. “I-I don’t know what you think of us but Sooyoung you’re my future.” Jinsoul mumbles into the crook of her neck, “you’re everything to me.”

Bringing Jinsoul to her chest she shushes her and tries not to cry herself. The cracks were widely open and Sooyoung embraced the vulnerability. Jinsoul was broken, but it wasn’t a bad thing. Sooyoung would just make sure she’ll never let Jinsoul shatter by holding on forever.

Jinsoul was afraid of telling her, afraid of making her run away when Sooyoung was afraid of the same thing.

Sooyoung wipes her tears away and kisses her before whispering out, “I know I should have told you this a long time ago.” Sooyoung tells her she loves her through a look and a touch. How she’s always told Jinsoul how she feels. But Jinsoul needs the sureness of words.

She needs to make a promise.“Jinsoul I love you and this little thing we got going on.” Jinsoul whimpers and fully breaks down, finally getting the words she so desperately needed to hear. Sooyoung’s heart is swollen enough it explodes and she knows the only person that can save her is the girl in her arms. 

“So let’s keep doing this forever.”

~~~~

A year later, Jinsoul comes home to a bigger apartment (due to the songs she’s written about Sooyoung selling to well known producers) and an unruly cat. She pets the smelly thing before searching for her girlfriend. 

Stepping into the kitchen she instantly smiles and crawls towards Sooyoung slim figure, “there’s my baby.” 

Sooyoung turns around with an equally loving smile, “hi beautiful.” She almost tells Jinsoul that twice a day now. That she’s beautiful. They share a kiss that doesn’t last as long as Jinsoul wishes but Sooyoung is dying to tell her, “I missed you so much.” 

Jinsoul giggles and Sooyoung knows it’s not because it’s funny, but because she’s so happy. Her heart beats wildly against her chest as she kisses Jinsoul a few more times and the blonde mumbles out, “yeah?”

Sooyoung nods and presses their bodies together. “Yeah.” A beat or two later.

“Because I love you and I always will.” Sooyoung doesn’t think there’s a day where they don’t speak about their feelings now. Sooyoung drowns in them while Jinsoul cherishes them. It’s as simple as before and as deep as it could get and Sooyoung wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Jinsoul’s eyes sparkle and Sooyoung knows exactly what this connection is.

It’s nothing but love.