chaewon let minjoo break down in her arms, her tears wetting her shirt. it took quite a while before she calmed down, but that’s only because she ended up crying herself to sleep. at that point, the only sounds left are that of minjoo’s quiet breathing and the hushed voices coming from the TV that’s been on all this time.

they were supposed to be together, on that couch, watching whatever lame thing was on TV. they were supposed to be cuddling without a care in the world, but everything shattered so quickly. regardless, chaewon would be there through it all.

so she wipes the tears from her face (both hers and minjoo’s; she let her own tears drop after the girl had fallen asleep) and carries her to bed. even in her sleep minjoo held a sort of sad, frustrated expression. chaewon laid down beside her and brought her in as close as she could. she brought up a hand to her face lovingly and perhaps get rid of that pained expression. she whispered sweet things into her ear and hugged her tightly, and minjoo unconsciously buried further into her embrace with a content sigh; her expression had finally relaxed.

when she presses her lips against minjoo’s forehead, she promises to be her anchor throughout it all, to always love and care for her, to be her light at the end of the tunnel. she promises that everything will be okay.

“i’m right here, minjoo-ah; everything is going to be okay.”

how wrong she was.

~~~

one night, chaewon is texting minjoo and calling her wondering where she is. it’s a friday night and it’s 1am and she hadn’t heard from minjoo for hours.

she’s too worried now; she needs to go and find her. it’s rainy and cold and dark and everything ominous but she runs around the entire city trying to find her. beyond the patter of the rain she can only hear her screaming voice yelling out minjoo’s name.

“!!!”

finally, she thinks she hears minjoo. she runs towards the sound with hope and determination but instead finds her nailed against the wall kissing some dude with his hands under her shirt.

and chaewon doesn’t really know what to do.

she’s just staring and her heart’s no longer beating and she’s just so, so cold. eventually, she finds the will to move, but it feels like she’s not in her own body, not in her right mind. it feels like she’s just watching a tragic scene play out in a movie. regardless, she goes forward and yanks him off of minjoo without a word. minjoo is so drunk out of her mind. when chaewon tries to reach out for her, minjoo slaps her away and screams at her to leave her alone, that she was the reason she was like this, the reason why every bad thing happened.

“get away from me!”

“minjoo, please--”

“no! leave me alone!”

the aggressive pushing and pulling minjoo is doing is completely opposite from the tentative, hesitant movements made by chaewon. she winces at a particularly hard shove,

but that’s nothing compared to the slap that comes after.

“don’t come near me! you’re the reason this is all happening! no wonder no one else wanted you; mom was right! jesus christ, she was so right about you. if you hadn’t done this to me, i could be off with some successful man with a wonderful life. but no, i’m here with you, and i hate this!”

she shoves chaewon with every sentence, adding more to every blow.

she pushes her one last time.

“and i hate you.”

so when minjoo sneers at her one more time and pulls the guy back towards her (and he throws chaewon this stupid smug smirk that she wants to beat off of his face but she can barely even breathe right now) and starts making out with him again, chaewon backs off.

but she doesn’t leave.

she walks around the corner and sits there against the wall. she’s far enough that minjoo can’t see her, but close enough that she’s there if she needs anything (and close enough that she can hear every disgusting sound). she’s just sitting there with her knees pulled up and her head facing up towards the crying clouds and she pretends that the rain is washing away the pain. she closes her eyes and acts as though she weren’t crying. perhaps she wasn’t; she felt so, so numb.

she should have seen it coming. perhaps on some level, she did. the distance, the change, everything. nothing was the way it was supposed to be. nothing.

so when the guy finally staggers out of the alleyway chaewon is there to catch minjoo’s intoxicated self. the girl is practically passed out at this point. so she carries minjoo home.

or at least what used to be home.

she changes minjoo out of her clothes and tries to clean her as best as she can. the girl is completely asleep at this point. chaewon cleans herself up as well. lately, they haven’t really been sleeping together; they might as well have been in different beds on different sides of the earth. the distance between their bodies each night definitely gave that impression. at first, it was just minjoo finding an excuse to pull away from chaewon’s embrace. then, it wasn’t just her embrace but her body all together. then there was just distance.

chaewon stares at minjoo sleeping. she slowly edges closer until she’s able to wrap an arm around minjoo’s waist. her eyes widen as minjoo, in her state of unconsciousness, cuddles further into her embrace. and she thinks that maybe, just maybe, things will be okay, maybe minjoo still loves her.

but then she wakes up and finds minjoo on the other side of the bed.

and the only thing she knows to be true at this point is that she still loves minjoo.

~~~

they don’t talk about it at all. never bring it up. it was almost as if it never happened.

except it definitely did.

and even though chaewon was used to the distance (sadly), minjoo was definitely avoiding her gaze a little more, clenching her jaw while sneaking glances at her--things like that.

chaewon wondered what was going through her mind.

but she never really gets to find out, because night after night, she finds minjoo with different men.

the cycle just repeats over and over and over again. funnily enough, chaewon never goes out to drink herself because she’s afraid that one of these nights minjoo will really need her. instead, she stays up all night drinking pepsi, minjoo’s favorite drink, and stares at her phone waiting for minjoo to call.

one day, chaewon loses it.

she really, really can’t do this anymore.

because it’s their anniversary. and chaewon is stupid enough to even buy minjoo flowers and chocolate and this little stuffed animal and other stupid little things she thinks she’ll like. she wanted to surprise her.

but instead she’s up all night again with a can of pepsi staring at the phone.

at 3am minjoo finally comes back smelling of alcohol and cologne.

she doesn’t stagger past chaewon like she normally does; she doesn’t ignore her or give her a blank side-eye. this time, she falls straight into chaewon’s arms.

“happy anniversary.”

and at that point, chaewon is suddenly hit with the realization that maybe her parents were right, maybe minjoo was right: she was the reason everything was just so awful.

minjoo was better off without her.

so she runs her fingers through minjoo’s messy hair, buries her nose into her head, tells her that she loves her over and over and over again like a broken record.

(she was broken, afterall)

“why are you crying?”

it’s absolutely hilarious how this was the most caring minjoo has been in the past few months. it’s hilarious. chaewon almost wants to laugh.

she’s right, though; she is crying. she didn’t realize it. she was too preoccupied with making sure minjoo knew how much she loves her. god, she loves her so, so much.

“minjoo, hey, let’s end this, okay?”

her voice cracks a little bit at the end. she pulls minjoo a little more tightly against her.

“why?”

because you’re better off without me.

“because it’s better this way.”

she hears a soft, tired sigh.

“okay.”

and chaewon knows the girl is drunk and out of it. she knows that minjoo isn’t really aware of what’s happening. she’s not sure minjoo will realize why she’ll wake up to an empty apartment tomorrow.

although, chaewon doubts she’ll care.

heck, she’ll probably be relieved, huh?

for the last time, she leads minjoo into their room with a hand wrapped around her wrist.

for the last time, she pulls off her dirty clothing and cleans her up.

for the last time, she tucks her into bed with a light kiss on her forehead.

for the last time, she tells her she loves her.

as she walks out, she doesn’t look back.

but that’s only because she walks backwards the entire way out.

she knows that she’s in this forever, and she finds it terribly difficult to look away from her heart’s keeper.

but eventually, she does.

evidently, tonight was a night of firsts as well.

for the first time, she felt completely, utterly, entirely alone.

and that was the end of it all.