Inspired by: Taylor Swift - Teardrops On My Guitar

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Bae Joohyun. Irene Bae. Joohyun unnie.

The name of a girl who has stolen my heart since the first day I laid my eyes on her.

I am foolishly and selflessly head over feels for her. She does not know about it and I do not intend for her to know ever. 

I love everything about her. Her doe eyes, her full lips, her big ears and cute ears and her perfect face. Her laughs are like music to my ears. Her beautiful smiles can melt my worries. Her hugs are so warm, as warm as sun in the early mornings.

Everyone who has met her will admit that she is one of the most beautiful women in the world. Not going to lie that what makes me attracted to her first because of her facial features but as I get to know more of her because we always trained together during our trainee days, I fell in love with her heart. She has such a caring and warm heart. Some people perceive her as a cold person but they do not know her as I do. I consider myself as one of the luckiest people in the world to see that side of her.

My best friend whom I call my pillar of strength, my soulmate; Son Seungwan or better known as Wendy knows about my crush on our leader. I share everything with her including my dreams, hopes, fears and she also shares everything about her that I need to know. We are inseparable and trust her wholeheartedly.

Seungwan has encouraged me to confess to Joohyun so many times but being a coward that I am, I just shake my head at the idea of confessing to her. I am afraid. Afraid that she will reject me and our relationship won’t be the same anymore after that point. 

I know Joohyun treats me the same like one of her dongsaengs but once I confess, I know my heart would want our relationship to take a step further than just unnie-dongsaeng relationship. I am afraid if I ever confess to her and she rejects me, I cannot face her anymore because I know my heart won’t take her rejection well. 

It is funny that I am confidence in lots of ways but not when it comes of Joohyun. Sometimes at night, I would always ask myself if I am ever good enough to harbour feelings on a girl as beautiful as Joohyun. People always tell me I am pretty but I know I can never rival Joohyun’s beauty. She is just on another level. I feel small whenever I stand beside her. 

Joohyun gets me startled with her question when I am watching tv at our dorm’s living room on one of our rare free days in one fine April evening.

She plops down sitting beside me and offers me sweet and sour onion chips that she brings along with her from the kitchen. I scoot a bit to let her sit comfortably on the small couch then extends my hand to take a few bits of chips with my right hand. We sit in silence watching one of the most popular shows on Netflix right now while munching on the chips.

“Seulgi, have you ever been in love?”

She asks me so suddenly that I almost chocked on my chips.

Glancing at her with raised eyebrows, I ask, “Why did you suddenly ask me that, unnie?”

“Just wondering because I don’t think I’ve ever heard you talking about having an interest in men or women.” She shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly while continue munching on her chips without breaking eye contact with the tv.

After a few minutes of silence, she asks me again while boring her eyes into mine. “So have you?” 

“I-I have. But it was a long time ago. I don’t have anyone that I like at the moment.” I gulp and hope she would not caught me lying through my teeth. 

Not believing what I say, she leans closer to me and squints her eyes trying to find sincerity in words I say. I try to hold her gaze for as long as I can trying to convince her that what I say is the truth. My heart is pounding so hard against my chest and I can hear the sound ringing in my ears when she is this close to me with barely any space within us. 

Is it a disappointment that I see in her face before she tore her gaze from me or am I just hallucinating? I could have sworn that I see a hint of sadness in her eyes and it makes me a bit hopeful that it has crossed her mind even for a short moment to see me as more than her best friend and group member.

She bites her lower lip and seems to be in deep thought for a few moments then continues munching on her chips. 

“It’s hard for me to believe that you don’t have any feelings on anyone because you’re hot and popular amongst male and female idols, Seulgi. I’m sure you must have received at least five love confessions by now.” 

I blush a little when she says that I am hot and I am no longer paying my attention on the tv in front of us as I am busy studying her facial expressions trying to decipher the meaning of her sudden curiosity of my love life. Sure, all five of us have had our fair share of love confessions not just from idols but from actors too but we rarely talk about it as we are too busy to entertain such thing. Not going to lie that we sometimes talk about it in passing moments or when we are just hanging out in our dorm just like normal 20-something adults but never to the extend of wanting to be in a relationship as it is impossible for us to juggle between our love life and career while we are busy with back-to-back comeback.

“You talk like you’re not Miss Popular yourself.” I snicker and playfully nudge her shoulder.

She clicks her tongue and rolls her eyes at me. “But we are talking about you, not about me.”

I grab the chips from her hand then munch a few bits of chips, my eyes dart everywhere except her face wanting to avoid answering her question. She crosses her arms across her chest, scrunches her face then leans closer again trying to read my expression. I can feel sweats are starting to form on my forehead due to our proximity.

I know just how persistent she is in getting the answers that she wants. She is a girl who would not let people trick her into thinking they can fool her with their words or actions. She knows if you are lying to her. Once she told me that she can read other people’s minds. I just laughed at how ridiculous she sounded when she told me that secret that she claimed only a handful of people that she trusted knew about.

No longer wanting to prolong this agony that I feel with her being this close to me, I say, “Fine. You’re right, unnie! I do have someone that I like,” just so she can stop staring me with her piercing gaze like she can melt me.

She bursts laughing her heart out while clutching her stomach. I roll my eyes at her and lightly punch her left arm as she could not stop laughing. After a few moments, she stops laughing then wipes the tears that formed in her eyes. 

“Ugh, you’re so annoying, unnie! You know I can never win with you.” I playfully sulk and pout.

“Then you should’ve just told me the truth. We’ve been friends for how many years, Seul. You know that you can trust me right? We’re practically sisters. We share each other secrets. So tell me who is the lucky boy or girl?” She wiggles her eyebrows and places her right hand on top of my left hand and squeezes it lightly to indicate that I can trust her completely. 

My heart shatters when she says that we are practically sisters. It is like my heart is being hammered to a few thousands pieces and they can no longer be put together to make it whole. 

I try to hide my sadness and disappointment by giving her the biggest fake smile I can muster. Ω

“It’s a she and she doesn’t know that I have feelings for her. I’ve liked her for quite a long time.” I look at her to see whether she is shocked or sad or anything but to my disappointment, she just nods her head while wearing a blank expression.

“Is she someone I know?” Tilting her face to the side while cocking her right eyebrow—an expression that I am too familiar with, I swear she is too cute that I want to pinch her both cheeks.

“No, I-I don’t think so. I met her during our trainee days but we still keep in touch with each other.” I pull my left hand from her touch and cross my arms avoiding her eye contact.

I hate lying especially to someone I love but how could I be truthful about my feelings towards her when she considers me as just her sister? How could I be so selfish about my feelings without considering her feelings? If her not knowing my feelings towards her is the best decision for both of us, then let it be. Hell, I do not even know if she likes girls.

I could feel my eyes are almost starting to tearing up with the thoughts of my failed love life so I swerve the topic.

“Enough about me and my boring love life. How about you unnie? Is there someone you like or love?” 

Now that the topic is being directed on her, she leans further back on the couch, stares at the white ceiling above us and keep mum. I stare at her face waiting for her answer. 

She sighs then directs her gaze to me. “I do but she’s dense.”

Hearing her answer, my eyes almost pop out of their sockets. She likes girls? All this time? And I didn’t know about this?

“Y-You likes girls? Since when?!” I ask almost shouting.

She laughs seeing my reaction. “Yes, I do like girls. I like boys too. I’m biual Seulgi. I thought I was pretty obvious?” 

“B-But you always said you l-like boys. You have never mentioned that you have a-any interest in girls! Whenever we t-talk about dating, you always avoid the topic and I-I never heard you once said you liked any g-girls.” I am a stuttering mess at this point because who would have thought that Bae Joohyun swings both ways. I feel so dumb not knowing about it sooner when we have known each other for years and I mentally smack my forehead for stuttering too much.

An amused expression stretches on her face and she cannot stop laughing. “Why are you so shocked? I thought I was pretty obvious. For years, I accepted myself as straight but I just came into realisation that I swing both ways when I started to develop feelings for that girl.”

Could not process the information that is being fed to me, I open and close my mouth a few times but nothing comes out from my mouth. Slapping my arm still laughing at my reaction albeit quieter this time, she says, “Wow, you are that shocked huh? I was too when I realised I like that girl but I guess sometimes you can’t choose who you fall in love with right? Sometimes it happens. And close your mouth. You might catch a fly.” She giggles and cutely pokes my left cheek.

“Sorry, it was just so unexpected. I’m so happy for you though, unnie.” I hug her shoulder with my left arm and ruffles her hair with my right hand.

“Yah, don’t do that!” She pouts and fixes her hair with her fingers. 

I laugh then loosen my hold on her body. I grab the chips that are halfway finished then pop them into my mouth and slowly munching them. Both of us not saying anything for a few minutes and we direct our attention to the tv in front of us pretending to still being interested in the show that is playing on the tv. At least I do because my mind is already drifted to our earlier conversation. 

I want to ask her who is the girl that she has fallen in love with but I am afraid of the answer that I will get. I know whoever the girl is, she is lucky to be loved by someone as caring and warm as Joohyun. I have known her for years. It is impossible to not fall in love with her as she is always so sweet and caring and loving towards the ones she loves. The girl who has stolen her heart must be a wonderful girl quite like Joohyun herself. I smile bitterly because I know I could never be that lucky girl.

“Seul, why are you thinking of?” She asks trying to break the deafening silence.

I look at her and notice that she is sporting a smile so wide I could drown in it. My heart skips a bit. 

“Have your parents known about your uality?”

She nods. “They are very supportive and fully accepted who I am. At first I was very nervous to tell them because all my life, I was straight so to drop a bomb as big as this, I was afraid they would hate me or worse, disown me but I’m lucky to have them as my parents.”

“I’m glad for you, unnie. I know how scary it can be to come out to your parents. We’re lucky our parents are so supportive and accept who we are even though society is still cruel towards people like us.” I grab her right hand, lace our fingers together and smile sweetly at her.

She lands her head of my left shoulder and I place mine on top of hers. I close my eyes and we stay in that position for a few minutes. I feel so peaceful with her by my side. I might not have her heart but as long as I am close to her like this, I am already feel so content. 

I let her play with my fingers that are laced with hers. “Seul…” I hum as a response.

“Seul…” She calls my name again but her voice is so low, I might not hear her if it was not for the quiet surrounding that we are in right now. I open my eyes and take a peek at her. “Yes, unnie?”

With her head still lays on my shoulder, she looks up at me while still playing with my fingers. “I… Hmm…”

Chuckling softly, I urge her to say whatever she has on her mind. “What is it, unnie? Why are you hesitating hm?”

Before she can continue, sudden loud knocks coming from the front door of our dorm startle the both of us. I sigh and say, “It must be the girls. They probably forgot their keys again.” I roll my eyes. “Stay. I’ll let them inside, unnie.” 

Mentally cursing the girls for interrupting our moments together, I get up and walk slowly to the front door then unlock the door. Wendy, Joy and Yeri look half annoyed and they are all holding few plastic bags in both of their hands.

“Yah! What took you so long to open the door?!” Wendy half shouts. 

“Geez, low down your voice! Joohyun unnie and I were watching a tv show. We didn’t hear you.” I lie and roll my eyes at her. “Do you need help with that?” I point my fingers to the plastic bags in her hands.

“Whatever. Yes, thank you.” She hands me some of them to my hands while entering the dorm with Yeri and Joy following suit.

We place the bags on the kitchen counter and I peek at the bags to see what items they bought. When I see that they bought my favourite snack, Pringles, I yell happily. “You bought me Pringles! Thank you, Seungwan!” I back hug her then kiss her left cheek who is washing her hands at the kitchen tap.

Before she can flick my forehead whenever I do something that annoy her—but secretly I know she likes—like back hugs or kisses or poke her cheeks—I run and hide behind Yeri who is munching on some snack that she bought. 

“These two kids. Can you stop being like children and grow up for once?” Joy who is sitting on the high kitchen stool that is placed beside the kitchen counter while scrolling on her phone sneers. 

“Yah! Who are you calling children? You don’t have the rights to call us children when you and Yeri bicker all the time.” Wendy smacks her head with a spoon she uses to eat ice cream that they also just bought.

I laugh while Joy keeps on rubbing on the spot that Wendy smack. Yeri laughs at Joy too while doing loser sign hand on her forehead. Joy who sees what Yeri did tries to chase Yeri around the kitchen but even though she is the tallest amongst us, she still could not keep up with Yeri who runs quite fast for a person with short legs. 

As this is a normal occasion for both of us, Wendy and I just leave the girls alone and make our way to the living room where Joohyun is currently scrolling through her phone. I sit at the same place I sat before and Wendy sits beside me. She offers me her ice cream and I gladly accept. After a few scoops, I offer it to Joohyun but she shakes her head. 

“Are you sure you don’t want it unnie? This is your favourite flavour.”

“Nah, it’s okay. I already brushed my teeth.” She politely declines. 

“Suit yourself then.” I continue eating a few scoops then give it back to Wendy.

“What are you watching, unnie?” Wendy asks Joohyun as she sees there is a show playing on the tv.

“Just some show. I don’t know the title because I’m not really watching it.” Wendy raises her eyebrows and looks at Joohyun but asks nothing further. 

Joohyun yawns then excuses herself as it is getting pretty late. I watch her slowly retreating to her bathroom with a small smile forms on my lips. 

After making sure Joohyun is out of earshot, Wendy nudges me lightly and asks, “What did you talk about while we were away huh?”

I hesitate to answer her for awhile but instead of answering her, I ask, “Did you know that Joohyun unnie is biual?” 

“Yeah, I know. I’ve known for a long time because she told me. Why?”

I widen my eyes at the revelation. “You’ve known this whole time but you didn’t tell me? How long have you known about it?” I whisper as to avoid Yeri and Joy who are still in the kitchen from hearing us.

She shrugs and answers nonchalantly. “For quite some time already. Joohyun unnie asked me to keep it a secret from you girls so that’s what I did. Why did you ask? She told you already huh?”

I chew the inside of my cheek and nods slowly. “Yeah. She just told me. She also told me that she likes a girl but she never mentioned me who the girl is.”

“What? She never mentioned me that!” She almost shouts then softly says, “She only said that she is a bi,” after realising she was being quite loud.

We keep quiet for a some time trying to process the information that we both just shared. Realising that the ice cream is melting, I ask, “Are you going to finish that?” to which Wendy shakes her head and passes the ice cream to me. We sit in silent again while I finish eating the ice cream then I place the empty pint on the small coffee table in front of the couch.

“While we are on that topic, have you told her your feelings for her?” 

I sigh and shake my head slowly. “You know I want to but I’m afraid, Seungwan. I’m afraid that she will reject me and our relationship won’t be the same anymore after that.”

“Seul, we’ve talked about this. I’m sure Joohyun unnie will be understanding and won’t let anything to ruin your relationship with her no matter what happens. Don’t you want to fight for your love knowing that she likes other girl now? Would you be happy knowing that you might have a chance to be with a girl that you love but you choose to let her go because you afraid of your own insecurities? She at least deserves to know that you love her, Seul. It will be her choice to be with you or not but at least after you have confessed, you will feel a lot lighter. Take your chance, Seul, now or never.” 

🐻🐰

I promise her that I will be brave and confess my feelings towards Joohyun but it has been two months later and I was never brave enough to do it.

In just about one week, we will start our promotion of our newest mini album; The ReVe Festival — Day 1. The photoshoot for the teaser pictures and album jacket already finished around one month ago and we also already wrapped up the filming of the music video. All five of us really practice hard for choreography of our newest song and we are really hoping our fans will really like our new music. The upcoming weeks will take a toll on our bodies as we will do an all-out promotion on music shows and variety shows. I pray that all of us do not get sick because it will hamper the promotion schedule if we do. Winning awards on music shows would be great, not just for us, for our fans too but the most important thing is I just want us to have fun and enjoy this promotion cycle. 

We receive an overwhelming response from our fans when our teaser pictures and teaser song are released. Most of our fans like this new side and concept of us. Our fans have been so supportive for years I could not have asked for better fans. 

I feel so nervous as this is the first day of our promotion. We will perform Zimzalabim for the first time on national tv show that will be broadcasted throughout the whole world. We have to wake up at 3am sharp so we can go to saloon to do our make up. We arrive around 3.45am there and it takes around 1 hour and a half for make up artists to do make up for all five of us. 

Around 30 minutes later, we arrive at KBS building for prerecording of Zimzalabim and Sunny Side Up! We pose for awhile for photographers to take pictures of us then we go inside the building to prepare ourselves. Once we have to change to our performance outfits and fix our make up and hairstyles, we are told to get ready for the prerecording. 

The first prerecording would be for Sunny Side Up! I am so nervous about this performance because there would be a quite intimate part of the choreography whereby Joohyun will stand behind me and almost-slide her hands on my chest then we will twirl and intertwine our fingers before separating to join the girls for the rest of the choreography. The original choreography is more intimate and luckily the choreographer changed it at last minute because I do not think my heart can take it if we were to perform it live.

The PD instructs us to come on stage because the recording will start soon. There are so many fans come to see our first stage and all of us are so happy and we cannot stop smiling and waving at them. Then we are signalled to get ready and lined up according to choreography. We take two recordings of the song then are ushered to quickly change to Zimzalabim outfits because we will be recording the song next.

Not going to lie, my heart pounds so hard when we have to do the said choreography but I am so proud of myself for not letting my nervousness to deter my professionalism as a performer. After we change to the next outfits, Joohyun sits besides me and taps my right thigh. “Great job Seulgi! Can’t wait to perform the choreography again next week.” She winks then leaves me alone and speechless to ponder on her words. 

“Did she, did she just wink at me?” I whisper to myself and I can feel myself blushing thinking about it.

Wendy who sees I am still sitting not moving for next recording says, “Yah! What are you still doing here? Let’s go!” then grabs my and drags me to the stage.

We take three takes of Zimzalabim so the PD can get the best shots to air for tv. After the recording, we all go back to our waiting room and wait for other groups to finish recording their performances before we all need to go back on stage for winner’s announcement. 

During lunch, Jennie from a girl group who is currently active promoting their new album comes into our waiting room and Joohyun immediately brightens up upon seeing her. I do not really know her but I am quite close with her fellow group member, Jisoo. Joohyun introduces her to all of us and I can feel my heart breaks a little because Joohyun is happily latching her hands on hers while smiling brightly at her. 

They go and sit on the couch provided on the far side of the room and my eyes cannot stop glancing at them. I can feel tears are about to form in my eyes and I pretend to cough loudly so I can wipe my eyes before they fall down on my cheeks. 

Joohyun who hears the loud cough asks, “Are you okay, Seulgi?” while looking at me and I just give her an okay signal to let her know I am fine.

But I am not fine.

I am not fine and I can never be fine when I see the love of my life happily chatting with other gorgeous woman who might or might not be the person she likes. This self-pitying is not good for my sanity.

I quickly finish my lunch and excuse myself to go to toilet. Once I get inside the toilet, I feel someone tapping my shoulder and I almost shout in shock before the person introduces herself.

“Hey, Seul. It’s just me, Seungwan.” She lets her presence known before me and quickly check the toilet cubicles for any sign of other human beings and when she finds out we are the only ones in the toilet, she locks the toilet door.

She embraces me into her hug and I hug her tighter. No words are exchanged between us because she knows that I will only start speaking up once I am ready.

Once I have calmed down a bit, I say, “I’m scared, Seungwan. I’m scared of losing her for someone better. I know it’s stupid of me because she doesn’t even know what I feel about her but I can’t help feeling this way. I want to confess but I don’t want to lose her forever.” Make up be damned as my tears would not stop pouring out of my eyes.

Seungwan tightens her hold on me and tries to soothe me by rubbing my back.

“What if Jennie is the one she likes? She’s beautiful and I’m sure they will make a beautiful couple. I’m just a nobody compares to Jennie and I can’t help but feel jealous and this self-pitying is eating me alive.” I sob hard almost drenching her top outfit.

Seungwan does not like it when she hears such words from my mouth. “Stop belittling yourself, Seulgi. You’re just as beautiful and gorgeous too and anyone would be lucky to call you as theirs. I have known you for years and I know what a beautiful heart you have, Seulgi. Heck, I would have confessed to you and make you mine if you weren’t my best friend and head over heels for Joohyun unnie.”

I laugh hearing that. Seungwan really knows how to lighten my sour mood and make me laugh even in this situation. I pull away from her hug and Seungwan cups my cheeks and dries my tears with her thumbs. Luckily I wear waterproof makeup so it is not smudged.

“So what are you gonna do now?” 

I contemplate and sigh because truthfully I do not know what I am going to do. I smile sadly and shrug my shoulders at Seungwan. 

“Just follow your heart, Seulgi. If you think letting her know about your feelings will do good for your heart and relationship, then go for it. Remember the words—speak now or forever hold your peace.” Seungwan taps my cheeks lovingly and tell me to wash my face. 

I do not know what I will do without Seungwan in my life. She always gives the best advices and also my source of strength whenever I am feeling down. I already consider her as my sister—a sister that I never had because I only have one older brother. 

We decide to go back to our waiting room after spending almost thirty minutes in the toilet. It seems like Joohyun is searching for us because she almost yells, “What have you been?! I’ve been searching for you two. We need to go for winner’s announcement soon!” when we step into the room. Guilty gnaws at my heart because I should not have just left without telling any member or staff about our whereabouts. 

Seungwan saves me because I am struggling to find any excuse. “Sorry unnie, Seulgi was’t feeling well so I accompanied her to toilet.” 

Joohyun diverts her attention to me and asks, “Okay fine. Are you okay now? Do you need any medicine?”

I shake my head and gives me a small smile. “It’s okay, unnie. I’m fine now. Just stomach ace.” She does not look convinced but she decides not to prolong this matter.

“Oh by the way, Jisoo came looking for you but I told her you went to toilet. She said she has something important to discuss with you.” Joohyun slightly raises her right eyebrow and her tone sounds quiet annoyed when she shares the news. Trying to search for any clue as to why she is talking in that tone, I find none because she wears her infamous blank expression. 

She clears and says, “Anyway, we better go now.”

The winner is announced and Jennie and Jisoo’s group takes the crown for this week. I congratulate Jisoo by hugging her and she whispers that she needs to talk about something urgent. I nod and make a “I’ll text you” gesture and she makes an okay sign. I congratulate her one more time and before I leave the stage, from the corner of my eyes, I see Joohyun and Irene hugging tightly and smiling happily to each other and jumping and singing the winning song like they are the only ones exist in this world. Smiling bitterly to one in particular, I try not to overthink about it.

Once we reach the dorm, I straight away go to my room and strip my clothes off and take a cold shower. The scenes of Joohyun and Jennie keep on replaying in mind and I laugh quietly at my pathetic love life. Trying to distract myself by humming happy songs, I manage not to let sadness consume my mind.

I take out my phone from my handbag and starts scrolling my Kakaotalk for Jisoo’s name once I done showwering. 

Me: Jisoo what’s up? You said you have something important to talk to me 🤔

Jisoo: Yeah about that 😬😬😬

Jisoo: But promise me you won’t tell anyone.

Me: Cross my heart 😆

Me: ...so? 😆

Jisoo: You know Jennie right? My member?

Me: Yeah of course I do. I’m not close with her though. Why??? 🧐

Jisoo: I LIKE HER

Jisoo: DONT TELL ANYONE I TELL YOU THIS

Me: WHAT? Like her as in LIKE LIKE HER???

Jisoo: Yes... 👉🏼👈🏼

My heart pounds so much after reading her confession. Trying to connect the dots inside my head, I can feel my hands shaking. Because it has been minutes since she last replied and not getting any reply from me, she sends me another message.

Jisoo: Seulgi, you still there??? 😭😭😭

Seulgi: Yes sorry sorry. I’m just so shocked 🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧

Seulgi: But I’m so happy for you Jisoo!!! 🤗 Does she know???

Jisoo: Hmmm that’s the thing. She doesn’t and I’m too afraid to confess. What if she rejects me and our relationship will become so awkward after that??? 😔

Seulgi: Jisoo!!!!! Don’t give up when you haven’t even tried! Where’s the Jisoo that I know?? The Jisoo who knows what she wants and will get what she wants!!!! 😤😤😤😤😤😤

Here I am giving love advice to someone else as if my love life is going smoothly at the moment. I smile ironically at the thought. 

Jisoo: What am I gonna do without you Seulgi? 😭😭😭

Jisoo: I think I’ll confess after our promo for this album wraps up which is next week 🤪🤪🤪

Jisoo: OMG IM SO NERVOUSSSS JDDJKSSK

Jisoo: WISH ME LUCK BISHHHH

Seulgi: LMFAO STFU YOU CAN DO IT JISOO YOU CAN DO IT IM ROOTING FOR YOU 🥳🎊🎉

We talk a bit more before we decide to sleep because we both have busy day tomorrow. 

🐻🐰

For the whole week, I become restless and cannot sleep soundly because I overthink about Joohyun, Jennie, Jisoo and I’s situation. I really think not think too much but I cannot help myself.

The members notice that I have become quieter and do not hang out with them in the living room anymore after every schedule. Seungwan tells me I can share with her about anything but I assure her that I am fine.

But I am not fine.

Not when this uneasy feeling keeps on gnawing at my heart. It keeps eating and chewing on my fragile heart that sometimes I feel like I am drowning even though I am fully awake. This feeling is suffocating and keeping me gasping for air. I just want to be able to breathe again.

The weekend comes and I am anxiously waiting for Jisoo’s messages. She promised me that she will message me after she has confessed her feelings towards Jennie.

I try to keep myself busy with drawing but every time I my pencil, I unconsciously drawing Joohyun’s face and to be honest, she is the last person on earth I want to think of right now but it seems like my mind has a mind of its own. As irony as it sounds. 

The phone dings a few times signalling Kakaotalk messages are sent to me and I have never dropped everything I am doing at the moment and opened the app so fast in my life before. I read the message a few times to let the words sink in in my head before slowly typing a reply.

Jisoo: Seulgi 😢 

Jisoo: So I confessed to her after our schedule but... she rejected me 😭😭

Jisoo: And said she has someone else that she likes and hopes this rejection won’t affect our relationship and group dynamic 😭😭😭

Jisoo: IM SO SADDDD 😭😭😭😭😭

Me: Omg Jisoo I’m so sorry 😭 I wish I was there with you right now and can give you a hug 😭

Me: IM SO SORRY JISOO IM SO SORRY

Jisoo: Why are you sorry for??? I should be thankful to you instead because if it wasn’t for encouragement, I won’t get the courage to confess to her and I would forever be pinning on someone who only considers me as a close friend if I didn’t confess 😭😭😭

Jisoo: So thanks so much Seulgi for giving me encouragement to do the thing that I never thought I would ever do 🤧🤧 I LOVE YOU SEULGI

Me: 😢😢😢

Me: I LOVE YOU TOO JISOO WANNA HANG OUT TOMORROW??? SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS IN PERSON???

Jisoo: Wait let me check my schedule 😬😬

Jisoo: Yeah sure. I’m free tomorrow.

Jisoo: Message me tomorrow the place and time.

Me: SURE 🤗

Tonight, I dream of butterflies, thunderstorms and beaches. 

🐻🐰 

I almost bump into Joohyun in the kitchen when I turn around after taking out a green apple out of the fridge and she is on the way to the kitchen. 

“Seulgi!” She says startle.

“H-hey Joohyun unnie. Where are you going?” I ask after looking at her outfit because she is dressed like she is going out on a date. 

“Out with Jennie. Where are you going?” She raises her right eyebrow looking at my outfit. 

“Oh, just going out with Jisoo. We decided to hang out together because we both had been too busy for the past few months and we think it’s time to catch up on each other’s lives.” I shrug then munch on the apple.

She says nothing, just nods her head and makes an “o” shape before rummaging through the fridge for something. 

Is it me or I see sadness in her eyes for a split second when she hears my answer? 

Noticing that she is not going to say anything anymore and to avoid the sudden awkward atmosphere that rises between us, I excuse myself and say I might come home late so they do not have to cook anything for me and her only response is an okay sign. I think nothing of it and make a dash to our agreed meeting place because I do not want Jisoo to wait.

Jisoo beams at me when she sees me coming over to our favourite secluded area in our favourite café. “Seul!” She waves and we hug once I arrive at our table. 

“Did I make you wait for long?” I ask while taking a seat opposite of her.

“Nope, I just arrived here like two minutes before you arrive. So what would like to order? My treat.”

“What? I asked you out so I should be the one who treat you.”

“Seul, it’s nothing. Please let me treat you as a token of appreciation. You can treat me for dinner. Pretty please...” She pleads blinking cutely not wanting to hear a no from me.

I roll my eyes and say, “Okay fine. But dinner is on me.” I warm her by pointing my index finger to her. She just laughs and nods then ushers the waitress to give menu for us to order.

We choose chocolate moist cake and cheesecake as desert, caramel macchiato for me and chocolate frappe for her. We catch up on our careers, families and our latest interests.

After we have our small talk, I clear my throat after sipping my drink and looks at her waiting for any sign if I should proceed with our main talk. Searching for any discomfort on her face and when I find none, I ask, “So... about Jennie. Are you ready to talk about it?”

She gives me a sad smile and nods. Continue sipping on my drink, I wait for her to start talking because I know this topic is hard for her. She leans into the chair and crosses her arms on her chest and lets out a small sigh.

“Well... long story short, after our schedule yesterday, I went to her room and I just blurted out my feelings to her like an idiot and she just gave me a hug and said sorry a few times and said she is in love some other girl and she wished that I find someone better who can love me wholeheartedly for who I am and she said sorry she can’t be that person and wished this won’t affect our relationship and group dynamic... yeah… so there’s that.” 

I let a few moments pass between us before I ask, “Are you okay though, Jisoo? You know you can always cry on my shoulder.” 

She dismisses me and shakes her head. “I’m fine, Seulgi. You don’t have to worry because I really am fine. I was pretty sad last night but luckily I got rejected before the crush developed into love.”

I reach over the table and grab her left hand and squeeze it softly to show my support. 

“Well enough about my boring love life. How about you? Are you in a relationship or do you have any boy or girl that you like right now?” She raises her eyebrows to tease me and I unknowingly blush a bit.

I hesitate a bit but I decide to let her know because if she trusted me with her feelings, maybe I can too I guess?

“I like, no—I love this one girl but I haven’t told her about my feelings because I’m too insecure about myself. I just feel like I’m not worthy of her love. She’s one of the most beautiful, kindest and most caring people I’ve ever known and I’m just me… Kang Seulgi…” 

“Seulgi, you’re too harsh on yourself. You worth so much more than that. I don’t want you to talk about yourself like that anymore. Anyone would be so so so lucky to have you. You’re beautiful and handsome, has a nice body and most importantly, you have a heart of gold so don’t let your insecurities eat you up.” This time, it is her who reach over the table to squeeze my hand. 

“It hurts me that one of my most beautiful and nicest friends talk so lowly about herself.” She squeezes my hand again and looks at me in the eye before continuing, “I won’t ask you who the lucky girl is but I do hope you confess to her before it’s too late. And please don’t think of yourself that way okay?” 

I can only and give her a small smile while squeezing her hand giving her some kind of affirmation.

After we finish eating, we decide to release our stress by going to noraebang for two hours. We have so much fun screaming our lungs out to our favourite songs then we go to sushi restaurant because I am suddenly craving for Japanese food. I mull over her words throughout the our whole meet up and maybe she notices the shift of my mood by the end of it but says nothing about it. 

Before we part, she hold one of my arms and says, “I’m rooting for you and that lucky girl. Whoever she is, I hope she realises how lucky she is for getting your heart. You wanna know what my mantra is before I confessed to Jennie last night?” She looks at me excitedly.

“Well... I said ‘YOLO’—you only live once. Yes it’s a bit corny and an overused term but it really worked for me even though the result wasn’t what I expected.” She chuckles saldy. 

Playing with my fingers, I look up at her and asks, “You think I should do it tonight?”

“Yes! Go for it! There’s nothing to lose. Even if she rejects you, which I hope not, at least you have let her know about your feelings and whatever she decides later on, just don’t pressure her into making a rush decision. Let her process the information before she gives you an answer. If and only if she rejects you, at least you can quickly move on from the heartbreak.” 

After we part with a promise to hang out again, I walk to the nearest park to help my mind make a decision. One thing I hate about myself is my indecisiveness. It would take hours or sometimes days for me to make up my mind about any problem that I need a solution to. How I wish I had Jisoo’s quick-wittedness and astute personality. The ability to make a quick and well-thought decision is such an attractive characteristic to me. 

Slapping my cheeks a few times to let her words register in my mind, I give myself a few words of encouragements and I finally decide that I will do it tonight.

YOLO resonates in my mind throughout my whole walk from the park to our dorm.

The moment I open the door of our dorm, loud laughters fill my ears. I can barely register what is happening when suddenly Joy comes and drags me into the living room.

“Seulgi unnie, look who’s here.” Joy stops dragging me and excitedly she points to... Jennie? 

What is Jennie doing here at this hour?

Jennie who looks a bit uncomfortable because she becomes the center of the attention looks at her left where Joohyun sits awfully close to her and asks for her help.

Joohyun rolls her eyes at Joy and says, “Cut it out, Joy. You’re making her uncomfortable.”

“But unnie, don’t you want to introduce Jennie to Seulgi unnie?” Confused, I turn my body to Joy who is still holding my hand and raise my eyebrows.

“What is it?”

“Jennie confessed to her today and they are now a couple.” Joy cups my ear and whispers not-so-quietly and giggles afterwards as if it is the funniest thing she has ever said ever. 

I swear I can hear my heart breaking after I hear the news and I try so hard not to look at the couple but I fail. Joohyun just rolls her eyes and Jennie looks so sheepish for being teased.

“Isn’t it exciting, unnie? Who knew after countless rejections, Joohyun unnie finally accepted someone as her girlfriend.” Joy beams at me. 

My mouth opens and closes for a couple of times trying to say something and I eventually say, “Wow congrats unnie and Jennie. That was honestly so unexpected.” I give the couple the biggest smile I can muster without looking so devastated.

“Thanks so much, Seulgi. To be honest, I didn’t expect Joohyun unnie to accept me but well, here we are.” Jennie grins widely and grabs one of Joohyun’s hands and kisses her cheek. Joy squeals seeing that and mumbles something about telling Yeri and dashes to her own room leaving us four including Seungwan who has not said anything since I arrive.

It really pains me to see the kiss and I can already feel tears starting to form in my eyes.

Clearing my throat, I say, “Well, congrats once again. I’d love to hang out but I just got back and I’m tired so maybe some other time? You guys make a really beautiful couple. Truthfully.” 

I bid the couple goodbye avoiding eye contact with them especially Joohyun and walk to my room. Once I close the door of my room, I let my tears falling from my tears and I run to my bed crying silently on my pillow. 

I am too late. 

I am too late. 

Too late and now she is someone else’s.

There is no one to blame but me and my cowardice.

Tears are flowing freely and I do not have the will to let it stop. Palming my hand of my heart, I can literally feel it breaking to a million pieces and I feel so suffocated right now.

Is this how broken-hearted feel like? If it is, I do not wish it on anyone.

Soft knocks are heard inside my room. I do not know how long I have been crying and I do not have any energy to go up and open the door and I just wish whoever on the other side of the door would just leave me alone but after a few minutes, I hear it open and locked afterwards. I feel the left side of the bed dipped when the person sits on it but I do not dare to open my eyes. 

The person touches my left shoulder and whispers, “Seul? It’s me, Seungwan.” 

I turn around and once I lock eyes with her, I burst out crying again. She lies down and holds me inside her arms giving me comfort and support. I do not want to burden her with my failed love life but Seungwan being Seungwan, she will always willingly open her arms and will always provide me words of encouragement and support even though I do not think I deserve any of it. 

No words are exchanged because she knows exactly what I am going through.

Sobs and sniffles with occasional hiccups reverberate inside the small space of my room. I must have been crying for a long time because I suddenly feel so tired and sleepy and all I want to do right now is surrendering myself to dreamland.

“Seungwan?” I whisper huskily.

“Yes Seul?” She replies and rubs my back like a mother would when their child falls down, scraps their knee and they rub their back to soothe them down.

“Thank you for being here with me. I couldn’t have asked for a better best friend.” Snuggling her closer to feel her warmth, I whisper my thankfulness to her.

“I’ll always be there for you, Seul, because you’re my best friend and I love you.” She kisses the top of my head and hugs me tighter.

I let a couple of moments pass between us before I whisper again, “I wanna ask you a favour. But you need to promise me first, Seungwan.” 

Without hesitating even for a beat, she says, “I promise, Seul. What is it?”

“Help me forget about her, please. Please Seungwan please...” while looking up sadly at her.

“Oh Seul...” 

“You already promised me, Seungwan, so you can’t take your promise back.” I warn and grab the collar of her shirt while sobbing quietly. 

She looks down at me, kisses my forehead and heaves a heavy sigh before saying, “Okay, Seul. I promise you I’ll help you to forget about her.”

“Thank you, Seungwan. You’re the best best friend someone could ever ask for.”

+++

A/N: This is my first Seulrene fic so sorry if it's bad or not satisfying. Telll me if you want a sequel or a Joohyun's pov or a sequel based on Joohyun's pov.