I suppose it starts back in July 2017. He was dating my best friend KyuHyun at the time, they were in a relationship for a few weeks and it ended on bad terms. While they were dating I had only seen him one time, I didn't really say much to him as I am a very shy and socially awkward person. I think I managed to get a few hellos out but nothing more than that.

The next time I met him was on the 31st of October. To be honest I don't really remember that night much since I was black out drunk for the majority of it. By that time things seemed to be ok between him and Kyu and that's how I started talking to him more.

In late November we were all talking in group chats, online I am a lot less awkward and am able to talk to other people, so this was a great way for me to start talking to him.

As I started to become more friendly with him I started to realise that He's not how Kyu made him out to be at all.

We started to hang out more, and the more time I spent with him the closer I felt to him. There are quite a few people in our friends group, I couldn't quite explain why. But I felt like I had some sort of bond with him, like I could connect with him in a way that I couldn't with the other people. Usually I hate it when people hug me, but when he did it always felt warm and comforting. Or... usually I can't bear with the cute nicknames people used to give me, but I liked it the way he called me fishieHae!

Oh I didn't introduce myself?!

My name is DongHae! Lee DongHae.

Didn't even introduce him?!!

Excuse my fish brain! his name is HyukJae! Lee HyukJae! 

So much more in commen. right?

Well, back to story... Where our relationship progressed was on new years eve, I had one of my depressive episodes and ended up leaving all of the group chats I was in. At the time I just felt really lonely, as if I'm destined to never be happy.

He ended up private messaging me, asking what was wrong and why I was feeling like that. There's only a few people that know how much of a show my childhood was, I felt comfortable with talking about it with Hyuk. And he seemed to have the perfect response to everything. After a while I felt a little better about myself and I will never forget some of the things that he said to me that night.

January...

We hung out once a week, usually in a group of 7 people; At this point I considered Hyuk a very close friend of mine, and without wanting to sound like a white knight. I felt like I wanted to look out for him as much as possible. In that group 2 boys were really creepy. HeeChul and SiWon. I knew them from university but although they were dating, they enjoyed flirting around with people together and then dump them. The way they treated hyuk made me feel upset and angry, I wasn't too sure why I felt so strongly towards him. I was convinced that I can't like him due to him being my best friends ex.

Seeing the way these guys were with him lead to me drinking rather heavily, mainly because I felt like there was nothing I could do. Subconsciously I think I knew that I liked him then. And the fact I couldn't say anything or do anything about it really got to me, it started to bring back my depression. I don't usually get angry, and I never used to self harm. But the only thing I could think of doing was punching myself instead. Usually until my hand was really bruised or until my face was bleeding. ( yes I am aware of how retarded I sound right now)

I was In a very bad state mentally. I ended up telling him what was making me feel like that, and she thanked me for it. As it made him feel uncomfortable too.

This is towards the start of February 2019. KyuHyun asked me if I like him, to which I replied with, I don't know. I feel as if I can't because you used to date, and if I did it would be a betrayal of our friendship. Kyu was surprisingly good about it. Maybe because he has started to date another guy, Yesung. He didn't seem to mind about Hyuk anymore. Such a heartless! In fact he told me to go for it.

We're in February now and I had decided that I was going to tell Hyuk that I liked him. I have never been in a relationship with someone at this point. Never even held another one's hand, let alone kissed one. Saying I was ting it would be an understatement. I thought to myself how could he ever see me like that, how could he ever want to date an autistic, depressed, long haired person with extreme social anxieties. People get to think I have a good face but in my oppinion, Compared to me Hyuk's a genius, slim, and is still the most beautiful guy I've ever seen, every time I talk to him All of my troubles just seemed to dissappear with those charming  face and gummy smiles...With him, I can just be myself, and happy for a change.

I put quite a lot of thought into how I was going to tell him. I was going to do it the day before valentines. Outside of the pub we usually go to, I wasn't drinking that night as I wanted him to take it seriously. I had quite a few opportunities to tell him that night. I ended up getting too nervous and I couldn't do it.

I really did want to do it in person. But I ended up telling him how I felt online, I don't think he knew how to take it. He said that it was a lot to take in and that he'd need a while to think about it.

It took four really long and nerve wrecking days. But we agreed to meet up by ourselves and talk about it. Something we had never done at that point. That day I was really anxious, having stomach pains. Couldn't stop shaking, I wasn't sure if I should go. I knew that I couldn't do that to him and went, it was quite muddy that day. We met at the train station in the town we usually hang out in. I couldn't start a conversation for , thankfully he did most of the talking that day by his usual charm. It was the first time I had ever spent time with another girl by myself.

We walked up a hill and sat at the top of it on a bench. It was really muddy that day, Hyuk decided that because of how his relationship with Kyu ended. Hyuk didn't want to rush into anything and he wanted to see how it would go before we decided on starting a relationship. We spent time together every other day. And slowly I became more comfortable with talking to him in person. Within a week I was able to start conversations and cary them on.

I was still really nervous though, and wasn't sure on what was acceptable. To the point where I asked him if it was OK if I held his hand.

On the third of March it was snowing. We met up, and at this point I really wanted to know if he could see up being in a relationship. So I asked him. And he said yes. I didn't notice I'm crying until he hold my face and started to rub my tears away. I will never forget that day. As a first date kind of thing we decided to watch Black Panther. I didn't really like it, but i did get salsa on my arse due to the person previously sitting in my seat.

We still wanted to take it slowly, and we did. It took a few weeks for me to be comfortable with kissing him. The first time we kissed was up on the hill. The one we usually go to to talk about things. That's also something I will never forget, my first kiss.

It's nearly been a year now, and without you I'd still be the introvert kiss - less that I was. And I've loved every single moment of it...