“I know this song,” Sooyoung suddenly said looking up from where her face was buried in the soft skin of Seulgi’s neck, her skin smelling of blackberries and citrus. She’d watched Seulgi apply the perfume that morning but it still clung to her skin, mixing with a scent Sooyoung now knew was uniquely Seulgi to become even mellower.

“Do you?” Seulgi said absently, her hand still tangled in Sooyoung’s hair. “Did Seungwan-ah show it to you too?”

“Yeah.” She ducked back in, placing an opened mouth kiss at the juncture of the other girl’s neck and shoulder. It did its job, coaxing out a breathy hum instead of a further question.

She didn’t just know this song; she knew it intimately from one of Seungwan’s playlists that had always been playing in her apartment. When they would arrive home, Seungwan would always made a beeline to her speaker saying that she hated the silence. She always wandered around the apartment cleaning and cooking and singing. Sooyoung used to complain that she couldn’t focus on her work with all the noise, but the distraction of Seungwan’s singing was more enjoyable than she’d ever admit.

The familiarity of the music made it easier to slide her hand down Seulgi’s arm, to lift her head from the refuge of Seulgi’s shoulder and lean in for a heated kiss. Seulgi was muscular where Seungwan was soft, angular where Seungwan curved. But the same gentle kindness shone from Seulgi’s eyes and Sooyoung swallowed down her guilt as she kissed Seulgi again, hoping to erase her sadness with the sound of Seulgi’s groans.

She knew from the first time she spent the night with Seulgi that it wasn’t just a one night stand. It couldn’t be just a night of without emotional connection no matter how hard she tried to pretend. Seulgi was her ex’s new best friend and her ex’s girlfriend’s best friend. 

That night she’d texted Seulgi for a distraction, then a distraction led to a distraction, then Sooyoung was an idiot and didn’t leave. She stayed in Seulgi’s bed under the blankets Seulgi had shopped for with Joohyun and let the other girl tuck herself under her arm. And Seulgi had felt good there, in the space Seungwan had used to occupy.

The music had moved on to something Sooyoung didn’t know, but even still, just the presence of music reminded her of Seungwan. Seulgi was picking up her habits, and each one pricked at her heart. But as was routine now, she let Seulgi nestle on her chest and pulled the blankets up over them both.

“Are you staying?” Seulgi mumbled. She was already half asleep, but the question was more a formality than anything. 

“Just go to sleep,” she said, and reached over to turn off the music and the light.

—

When things had started out, it’d all been so innocent. Seungwan had met a new student in her vocal class and had dragged Sooyoung to meet her. Said friend had brought her friend and so she met her soon-to-be ex’s soon-to-be girlfriend over americanos and biscotti.

Both Joohyun unnie and Seulgi unnie were stunning, and Sooyoung had been miffed. But it hadn’t stung too much when Seungwan’s warm hand was slotted firmly into hers and automatically formed into a smile whenever her eyes met Sooyoung’s. She knew that Seungwan was a mess over pretty girls and allowed the way her eyes slid to Seulgi and Joohyun multiple times. But it was fine as long as Seungwan’s smiles were reserved for her. Sooyoung could get jealous, but she wasn’t going to be a jealous girlfriend.

Seungwan and Seulgi grew closer and closer. It was obvious that the two of them were soulmates, as obvious as it was purely platonic and it made her heart swell to see her girlfriend find someone else she felt truly comfortable with. She loved that they went to museums and cafes when Sooyoung was busy; she’d hated that Seungwan used to be a total homebody without her. But with Joohyun, things seemed different.

It happened slowly, the pot beneath her heating up without her even realizing.

“I should grab a purple one,” Seungwan would say. “Purple is Joohyun unnie’s favorite color.” Or, “Don’t you think we should order tteobokki?” when Seulgi and Joohyun were coming over, although usually they ordered chicken on nights they didn’t cook.

She started spending more time with Joohyun one on one, and Sooyoung tried to harden her heart, to not play the jealous girlfriend. She was a physics student and too busy to give Seungwan all the attention she needed. Joohyun and Seulgi could be there to fill in the gaps. But she noticed the way Seungwan’s stare would linger on Joohyun even after the older girl turned away, the way her grip on Sooyoung’s hand would tighten like an apology before Seungwan wrenched her gaze back. Even at home, Seungwan wore a perpetual frown, her face twisted into guilt whenever she thought Sooyoung wasn’t looking. But Sooyoung was always looking. 

She made it easier on the smaller girl, staying out later in the library, not commenting like she used to when Seungwan pulled away. She didn’t point out when their morning kisses, one of their few constants between their busy schedules, began to feel like a habit rather than a pleasure. She didn’t nag when Seungwan started spending more and more time out of the house with Joohyun, and she didn’t complain when one of their “friend dates” cut into a rare evening Sooyoung was home early. 

That night she ordered chicken that she left untouched on the counter while some documentary she didn’t watch played on the TV. She found that Seungwan had packed the full bucket into a Tupperware when she woke up late the next morning. She'd been unwilling to face the day before she had to, even if it meant breaking her perfect attendance. 

Seungwan didn’t comment on Sooyoung not eating dinner and she knew then that things were over. When her girlfriend was out again, this time at a concert with Seulgi, she packed up all of her things and moved them back to her apartment. She was torn between being brave and confronting her and being unwilling to break down in tears in front of her after all the trouble she’d gone through to conceal her pain for this long. She had told herself to not be the jealous girlfriend people always said she was and had lost the love of her life in the process.

In the end, she found a piece of stationary on Seungwan’s desk and wrote out a letter, wishing her and Joohyun well and told her not to call.

--

She didn’t call. 

Sooyoung knew Seungwan wouldn’t if she said she didn’t want her to, but it still hurt. Her phone was quiet, her apartment was silent. She couldn’t listen to music, couldn’t stand the thought of going through playlists and finding the additions Seungwan had made over the last couple of years. TV and podcasts just had her perking her ears up whenever she heard the edge of a familiar lilt, then disappointed when she realized it was just a show she’d tuned out. 

She wanted to know what happened; she wanted to know if Seungwan had asked Joohyun unnie out. She hoped she hadn’t and Seungwan knew what she’d lost in Sooyoung and regretted it. She didn’t want Seungwan to be sad or regretful in the slightest.

She wanted to rip her skin off; she wanted to parade in her slinkiest dresses and bathe in attention. She didn’t know what she wanted but being alone was driving her mad. After three weeks of absolutely not crying over her own decision, she texted Seulgi.

It wasn’t meant to be anything but a night away from the echoing emptiness of her too large apartment, but when Seulgi leaned in she felt too numb to pull away. But then she didn’t feel numb; Seulgi’s touches held a heat she hadn’t felt in ages. It was because she was so caught off guard that she let herself stay and cuddle afterwards. Because of that mistake, she didn’t text Seulgi again for another month.

The thing was, she couldn’t avoid her friends forever, and she let herself be coaxed out of the house by Seulgi, finally returning one of many texts that had gone unread on her phone. No one told her, but no one had to tell her that Seungwan and Joohyun had officially gotten together in the time she’d spent secluded away. She could see it in the way they moved together, how Seungwan was ready in the spaces Joohyun moved to, how she already had things on hand for both of them in her big tote bag, the way they both oriented to each other like the other was their personal sun.

It had been too long for things to still hurt when it had been her call to break up. At least, that was what Sooyoung told herself, plastering on the biggest grin she could manage.

She could tell that Seungwan still loved her. She could see it in the softness in her look whenever Sooyoung let Seungwan meet her gaze. But then she looked at Joohyun with her eyes gleaming like stars, her entire face lighting up and Sooyoung knew. Even if Seungwan still loved her, Seungwan was Joohyun’s.

She didn’t know whether knowing this hurt less or more.

The couple left together, and Sooyoung found herself in Seulgi’s apartment again that night. This time it was easy to dive into Seulgi’s offering, to try and wash away the emotions seeing Seungwan had left on her even if she ended up drowning.

It was self-destruction at its finest, but Seulgi didn’t leave her adrift. She took Sooyoung’s painful grip and harsh kisses and returned it with a gentleness that was almost too rough for Sooyoung to bear. When they settled into bed, Seulgi combed her fingers attentively through Sooyoung’s hair. Even though Sooyoung was consumed with thoughts of scrubbing away every piece of her where Seulgi had touched (where Seungwan had touched), she still managed to doze off pressed firmly against the smaller girl.

The single night turned into two, then turned into weeks that she spent half of in the smaller girl’s apartment. What she learned was that Seulgi was just as kind-hearted as Seungwan. She didn’t know how to cook as well, but always had food on hand. She learned Sooyoung’s favorite drinks and skin care products and gradually Sooyoung found Seulgi’s apartment as well stocked as her own. Some nights they didn’t even have ; they simply laid on the couch while Seulgi put on a drama she was watching. Sooyoung never knew what it was, but it was part of the fun to make up the background she was missing as Seulgi whined about how wrong she was.

In some way, those nights were even more enjoyable.

—

“What do I do?” She asked Yerim. The younger girl was new to their friend group, Joohyun adopting her when they shared a general elective class together. Sooyoung had wanted to hate her; she secretly hated everything to do with Joohyun. But in the end, she and Yerim were too alike for them to not fall in together. The two of them tended to spend their free periods between classes together at a cafe with tasty lattes and good lighting for selfies.

“What do you mean, ‘what do I do’?” Yerim responded before taking a long sip of her smoothie. Sooyoung just stared at her unimpressed. “I honestly thought you and Seulgi unnie were dating or else I would’ve asked her out. You really aren’t?”

“No it’s just like… a thing that happened when I was…” She trailed off, fiddling with her cup sleeve. “We started hanging out when I was sad. That’s all it was.”

“Really.”

Sooyoung didn’t bother to acknowledge the incredulity in Yerim’s eyes. “Why did she have to tell me she loves me?”

“Did you not see it?”

Sooyoung sighed, taking her cup sleeve off entirely and setting it aside. “She doesn’t deserve me. She doesn’t deserve someone who doesn’t know what they want.”

“Woah, woah, wait. Back up like five steps,” Yerim said, holding up her hands. “Explain what you mean.”

“I still love Seungwan,” she said. The pain flared up in her chest as it always did when she had to refer to her ex directly. It happened a lot, given that she was too stubborn to give up seeing her entirely. She picked up the cup sleeve again, slowly tearing off a strip of cardboard. “Seulgi deserves someone who loves Seulgi. Not someone who is still in love with her ex.”

“I mean… you’re not wrong.”

She kept tearing off strips of cup sleeve, a small pile of curled cardboard piled in front of her. “It’s hard because... because no one’s the bad guy here.” Sooyoung sighed. “Joohyun unnie didn’t try to seduce Seungwan, Seungwan did her best to keep things together… I just wasn’t enough. And now Seulgi’s come into the tail end of this mess she shouldn’t have to deal with.”

“You had your heart broken and found someone sweet and kind and willing to love you.”

“She doesn’t deserve this.”

“Are you saying this because you don’t love her back or because you’re too afraid to try?”

Sooyoung finally looked up to find Yerim staring firmly at her. “Even if I did, is it even okay to ask her to deal with…. this?” She punctuated it by waving at the all of her, ripped cup sleeve still in hand flapping as she moved.

“Haven’t you already been making her deal with it?” Yerim asked with a snort. But more kindly, “You can't make Seulgi unnie feel differently. You have to decide what feels right for you.”

“But I don’t know what feels right,” Sooyoung groaned.

“Did she ask you to respond right away?” Sooyoung shook her head. “Then don’t worry about it. Give yourself time to see how you feel about it and go from there.”

“Yeah… you’re right,” Sooyoung said. With a frown, she scooped the destroyed cup sleeve bits into a pile. “When did you get so smart, Yerimmie?”

“By watching you numbskulls mess up,” she said with a wide grin.

Seulgi didn’t push her, but she couldn’t help but feel the words press into every corner of their interactions. When Seulgi handed her her laptop when they settled on the couch, when Seulgi ordered plain fried chicken along her preferred seasoned chicken, Sooyoung couldn’t help but hear the silent “I love you”. When they lay on the couch together, Sooyoung could feel Seulgi’s heartbeat where they pressed together and wondered if its rhythm was beating out love. She wondered if her heart was doing the same thing without her knowing.

She reached her breaking point four months after she broke up with Seungwan. They were in Seulgi’s apartment, music filling the quiet as usual. She watched as Seulgi grimaced her way through the pasta Sooyoung had attempted to make for their dinner. She’d already set her own bowl aside as a loss, planning on ordering food to make up for the disaster.

But Seulgi barely gave a hint that the gluey noodles were barely edible, even under a thick layer of jarred tomato sauce.

“We can’t keep doing this,” she said before she had even planned to.

“What do you mean?” She took another bite of pasta and Sooyoung exploded.

“This!” She yelled, gesturing between the two of them. “Me and you sitting here pretending like this can be a thing”

Seulgi swallowed her mouthful. “Why not?”

“It’s just...” She cast her eyes around the kitchen praying for the words to come to explain the jumbled up mess the quiet domesticity made of her. “It’s not fair.”

“Why not?” Her voice was still even. She put down the bowl of pasta. Sooyoung could see that it was almost gone. Stupid.

“It’s not fair that I still see Seungwan in your face. It’s not fair that I hear her whenever you play music. It’s not fair that I still think about her every day when you’re the person next to me. It’s just not—“ She broke off into a groan at Seulgi’s placid stare, like the other girl had always known the thoughts she’d tried to keep pent up.

“I know people think I’m dumb because I think things over and don’t speak up quickly. But that doesn’t mean you get to make my decisions for me.” Seulgi paused. “Do you just think it’s unfair to me? Or do you really not want this?”

“But it isn’t fair to you. Why should you settle for me pining over my ex when you deserve the whole world?”

Inexplicably, Seulgi smiled. “I’m not settling.”

Sooyoung found herself at a loss for words, suddenly flustered. “Stop eating that god awful pasta and let me order edible food.”

Seulgi was still smiling, catching Sooyoung’s eye as she ate the last bite. Sooyoung scowled as she took the bowl to place in in the sink before placing an order that neither of them ate much of in lieu of passing out entwined on Seulgi’s tiny couch.

—

It was a cloudy, dreary day when the impossible finally happened. The only bright spot was Yerim chirping about her new crush as she led the five of them to a new restaurant she’d found. The humidity hanging in the air threatening rain was ruining Sooyoung’s hair and construction outside Seulgi’s apartment had woken her up too early. But she had her hand in the crook of Seulgi’s elbow, the other girl obligingly taking Sooyoung's tired weight where she leaned. Seungwan and Joohyun were walking in front of them, cooing over the youngest.

Sooyoung’s eyes didn’t trail down to where their hands were entwined. Her hand didn’t itch to hold Seungwan’s. Instead she turned to Seulgi to mock Joohyun’s overexuberant encouragement of Yerim, garnering a laugh loud enough to make the other three turn around and stare at them.

“It was just a stupid joke,” she protested under their eyes.

“Then tell us!” Yerim exclaimed. “I wanna know too.”

When Sooyoung only glared back, she had to bear Yerim’s teasing prodding the rest of the walk.

Seulgi ordered her food for her, and they shared an appetizer Seulgi wanted to try. She didn’t bat an eye at Joohyun feeding Seungwan a bite of her dish. She only noticed because she’d been talking to Yerim who was next to Joohyun. Seulgi’s hand remained on her thigh under the table for the entire meal and she felt at home.

Rain finally hit as they’d left the others on the way to Sooyoung’s apartment. 

“I hate this,” she grumbled as they dashed down the sidewalk. “Everything‘s wet now. My makeup’s ruined.”

“It’s romantic,” Seulgi countered. “Like a drama.” She slowed down to a stroll, forcing Sooyoung to match her pace. “Besides, you look pretty even with mascara all over your face.”

Seulgi had on her rare eating grin, obviously having stopped just to . She was glad because she had admittedly been out of breath. But when she turned to her girlfriend, she found Seulgi’s smile was better than the sun. 

Despite the rain drenching her hair and dress and phone, she cupped Seulgi’s cheek and pulled her in for a kiss. She soon forgot about the steady rhythm the rain tapped out on their heads, the freezing drops feeling like nothing when Seulgi moved to slot their bodies together. She was warm all the way through.

She had to catch her breath again when they finally pulled apart, blinking raindrops from her eyelashes as she stared at Seulgi.

It spilled out of without a thought.

“I love you.”

Seulgi’s face was radiant and Sooyoung could feel her heart quickening in her chest as the other girl replied, “I love you too.”