The deafening roars of the crowd build as hooves stomp on the ground and cheers rise above the rooftops. Shining baubles and bells adorn protruding bony nubs on the crowns of adolescent calves. The youngest prance around in a mess of garlands and wreaths around their necks, kicking up snow as their parents try to round them up for the send-off parade.

“Nervous?”

Vivi lets the curtain fall back. She turns her great head, a majestic rack of pointed tiered antlers glinting in the firelight of the hangar. Her glossy amber fur resembles flashes of the sunset as the flames dance. She regards the other reindeer with respect, for Comet was Vivi’s mentor up until a week ago.

“A bit. Excited though. I’m honored to be a part of the team. Finally, after years of training,” sighs Vivi.

Comet coddles Vivi into her lustrous fur coat. Vivi sinks into the warmth, Comet’s motherly aura seeping into her bones. There’s a gruff snort from behind. The seed of a migraine forms in the back of Vivi’s skull. Shivers run down her spine, a loathsome habitual response. She suppresses a hiss out of courtesy.

“You should be,” drones the approaching bull. His head is bare. Nourished and well-bred, he shed his antlers months ago. He slows to a stop, chest puffed out, his shadow looming over Vivi. He stares down his snout at the young reindeer, scrutinizing. “A decade of leading Santa’s sleigh, only to be pushed aside by a calf. Oh, how age betrays us so.”

“Don’t be dramatic. Vivi has exceeded our expectations on every occasion,” reasons Comet.

“Indeed,” drawls the senior reindeer. “I expected her to bow out every time. Yet here she stands.” He stalks away, his hooves clacking sharply.

“Don’t mind Blitzen. He’s a prideful old coot. Capable, a good leader, but stuck in the ‘glory days.’”

Vivi smiles warily at the comforting sass.

“Vivi, dear, you’re going to be fantastic. Now’s not the time for doubt. Believe in yourself like all of us do. Yes, even Mister Salt over there. If he didn’t think you could do it, deep deep down, you wouldn’t be in the hangar.” Comet gives an encouraging wink. “Show ‘em what real cows are made of.”

A blaring buzz sounds from the intercom of the hangar. “Stage one!” shouts an elf. A whole brigade no taller than two feet, with striking colorful pointed hats and floppy velvet shoes, rushes out of hidden alcoves with reins and harnesses.

A hot newfound strength engulfs Vivi as she shakes once. The weight of the harness is familiar and ironically grounding. She’s hooked up side-by-side with Comet. Blitzen stands just behind them, berating the three elves stacked on each other’s shoulders in order to properly mount his harness. The hangar elves work at breakneck speed. They’ve practiced thrice a day the entire year just for tonight.

“Thank you for your services. Christmas wouldn’t happen without you,” says Vivi sincerely. The young elves are shaken and glossy-eyed as if a reindeer had never addressed them so highly. Their hats sweep the ground in a low bow, they wish her safe travels, then scurry off.

Stage two sees that the brilliantly red sleigh is chained and polished. The reins are securely fastened from Vivi’s and Comet’s muzzles. Stage three is noisy as an overhead crane transports the sack bursting with presents to the wide back seat of the vehicle. Stage four brings a sprinkle of Christmas magic. A glittering drizzle that bears most of the cargo weight. Stage five is when the big guy makes his jolly appearance. He checks everything over himself, placing a steady palm against each reindeer’s cheek in appreciation, humming all the while. Santa climbs into the sleigh, takes up the reins, and signals to the elves. The hangar door cranks open, silver light from the village square spilling in.

“Inhale. Exhale,” Comet chants. Vivi obeys.

Then she stomps four times. The reindeer march out with astonishing synchronization. Joy extends like soft tendrils from the reindeer and elves jumping in the streets. Vivi holds her head higher, puts more force into her steps.

A hero.

A shy calf had called her a hero when they stopped midway in the road and asked for her signature. The mother apologized and tried to herd the calf away. Vivi swept her head sideways, nuzzled the young one, and promised to stamp her hoof on a page when they return. The calf beamed up at her, the mother sighing with glee.

Vivi holds the new memory in her heart. It invigorates her spirit and she feels her fur stand on end. She cries out, a bellowing hollow sound. The crowd quiets to absorb Santa’s speech. The usual words of gratitude and holiday cheer. The promise to bring smiles to children’s faces all across the world. And a warm welcome to Vivi, newest lead reindeer on the sleigh team. The applause overwhelms her. She blinks away the tears in the crisp night air.

“It’s showtime,” whispers Comet.

Santa flicks the reins with a rich “Ho ho ho!”

Vivi bellows again. She counts off with four stomps. The reindeer surge forward along the shoveled runway. They achieve liftoff into the starry night that beckons them to the southeast. Vivi’s muscles tense, the frost of her first voyage electrifying her soul. This is where she belongs.

~|~|~|~

Red.

All Vivi sees is red. From the overturned cherry sleigh to the pooling crimson stains on the frozen taiga earth and the flames rising in a malicious ring.

Her wails lash back in the gale that whips up flurries like an icy geyser. The cruelest jester, it frolics around stealing the air from her lungs. Her broad shoulders shake violently. The sleet clings to her fur, icing it over in thin sheets. She tentatively her wounds. A hundred tender scrapes, a shallow abrasion spans from cheek to brow. Her twisted right front hoof swells despite the biting cold. Pain shoots up her forelimb under the slightest weight, but she can’t stay out in the open. She grits her teeth and limps out of the clearing.

A sudden flurry slams into her and she coils into herself. Her eyes flicker open with difficulty. A short distance away lies a motionless mound of red-and-white velvet with the shiniest black boots and gold buckles. Vivi averts her gaze and throws up. Acid burns with a wave of shivers. The unholy chill sweeps away even more heat from her body. Another gust goads her from the left, but persistent flames at her right haunch. Sparks ignited from the clash of the sleigh’s steel runners against a stone outcropping miles high. The surrounding grasses have been singed. The ash quickly melts into a murky liquid and freezes over.

Vivi pushes onward, crying out for the others. The alpine forest provides cover from the relentless storm. She waits, tears leaving prickling streaks against her cheeks. Round holly berries shine scarlet among fragrant pine needles. Their glossy frozen exterior resembles baubles strung around the North Pole village. Vivi follows the trail of fruit until flames engulf the spiky leaves. Green curls into crisp brown. The berry skins peel back, sweet flesh reeking of burnt sugar and their beauty reduced to viscous inky dew. The charred juice drips, tainting the pure sheets of snow.

A strained bark permeates the whistling wind. Puffs of steam billow from Vivi’s mouth as she hobbles toward the sound. A stray hoof kicks from behind a boulder. Another yelp, then a chorus of howls.

Four wolves bare canines at Vivi once she rounds the corner. They don’t seem to want to chase her. Her heart constricts as she scans the area in horror. Two bodies are curled up against the boulder. Comet’s tongue lolls out. Ghastly claw marks mar her stomach. Gashes hide beneath matted fur and coat the air with a ferrous stench. Blitzen thrashes around wildly. The wolves give him a wide berth in the hopes he’ll exhaust himself. The pack eyes Vivi with a dark mixture of disdain and hunger. They have a huge haul and between four, it’s rare. To have a third reindeer would make it a feast, but they’ve expended too much energy already.

Anger and desperation bursts forth as Vivi charges at the closest wolf, mind blocking out all sense of self-preservation. It whimpers as it’s thrown feet away, rolling into a thick trunk. She snaps her strong flat teeth at another. It bites her injured leg, but she chomps down hard on its fleshy ear. It howls in pain and releases her, backing into Blitzen’s hardened hoof. It teeters downhill and out of sight. The third wolf circles around to blindside her. She lunges sideways, grabs one of Comet’s detached antlers between her teeth, and swings her head toward the slobbering growls. The spiked bone slices right across the wolf’s muzzle. Its flapping lip bleeds profusely. It grunts in spitting tones before dashing away. The last wolf shoots a scathing glare at Vivi and follows closely behind. They had two healthy adult kills. Now they have none.

Vivi crumples with an infantile grunt and drags herself through the snow. Positioning herself against the wind, she hovers over her comrades’ faces. She bends low to nuzzle Comet. Her mentor is as cold as the blizzard, heavy as the boulder. Grief consumes Vivi, and she shifts to nuzzle Blitzen as well, who wheezes between labored breaths. His one visible eye rolls around in confusion, the deep black iris giving way to stressed whites.

“Vi…v…”

“I’m here.” It comes out high and squeaky, like a newborn searching for comfort.

Blitzen barks out a cough. Blood dribbles from his lips.

“I’m here,” Vivi repeats after every hiccup.

Blitzen settles for her voice. Vivi sees his eye moving sluggishly, unable to focus on any object. She nudges him gently, urging him to speak.

“You… need to— to know.”

Vivi hangs on every syllable. His voice is so weak, it pains her more than her leg. It clutches at her heart, squeezing it to bursting point.

“Yes. Yes, I’m right here.”

“Vivi.”

It’s the softest gaze he’s ever cast her way. Vivi holds her tongue. It’s his moment. She sees his eye dulling and his head dips.

“Vivi. This,” rasps Blitzen, seemingly at peace, “is your fault.”

Blitzen collapses onto Comet.

Vivi feels the earth shatter.

~|~|~|~

The soft crunching of fresh snow rouses Vivi from her slumber. She leaps up with crazed fury. She rears on her hind legs, blindly kicking her one good hoof. “Stay back!” she grunts.

“Alright, alright! Calm down!” There’s a rough growling undertone, but the voice is whiny and cautious.

Vivi huffs, her lungs searching hungrily. Her nose burns as it warms up the somber morning air. Vivi takes in the wolf before her. Strangely enough, she’s alone. She keeps her distance, leans against a tree, and her paw. She’s smaller than the pack from last night, thinner than any wolf Vivi’s seen from either elven fairy tales or test flights.

The wolf sniffs, first in annoyance then to track a scent. “Maybe there are some trapped rabbits. Many survive the cold months, but more don’t,” she mumbles.

Vivi squints at the haggard beast. The wolf digs its muzzle into the snow and pushes around a small pile before shaking it off her face.

“You should leave soon if you don’t want to end up like them. The blood attracts creatures far worse than me.”

Vivi eyes her incredulously.

“What?” snaps the wolf.

For a second, Vivi wants to laugh because it sounds so petulant. Like a calf being teased after a speech about its antlers coming in while showing off nothing more than dull pedicles. Vivi lets down her guard enough to reply, “I’ve never heard of a predator letting its prey go.”

“I’m not a predator,” grumbles the wolf. “I scavenge. I don’t like hunting.”

“What, does it make you nauseous?” Vivi guffaws until she sees the wolf tense. “It does? But you still tear meat from a carcass. What difference does it make?” Vivi thinks she must be delirious to discuss the subtleties of carnivory.

The wolf lifts a foot to scratch her nape in frustration. “It’s different,” she whines in a nasally descending octave. “You gotta track and run and coordinate and bark at others and ugh. Besides.” She exhales deeply, a large puff rising from her lips. “It’s too warm. Too alive. It hurts— I can’t explain it. I just don’t like it.”

The wolf abandons their conversation to search the nearby trees. She finds a fallen bird. Gently, she pinches a wing with the dullest of her teeth. She pokes its lifeless chest with her soft nose. Throwing a cursory glance at the reindeer, she shields the bird from view and dips her head. There’s a soft crunch of bones and squelch of flesh. The wolf swallows a mouthful of snow to erase any sign of feeding before facing Vivi again.

“You should leave,” the wolf repeats.

Vivi releases a strangled involuntary noise from the back of . The wolf tilts her head, her pointed ears flattening against her long skull.

Her dark eyes fill with sympathy. “I didn’t find anyone else, but the traces are evident. Were they part of your herd? Family, friends?”

Vivi grinds her teeth. Did she even have a right to call them so fondly? After what she did? Her stupidity, the brashness of inexperience, the arrogance of youth. Seven noble veteran reindeer lost and Father Christmas himself…

“Can you find your way home?” The wolf’s voice sounds muffled as if under the glacial waters.

How? How could Vivi return? With shame bearing down on her back until it cracks her spine and splits the mountains. How could she face the village? How could she explain to the calves, the widowed cows and bulls, to Mrs. Claus that their loved ones would never return? How dare she repay their support with naught but blasphemous excuses and devastation.

“Reindeer,” the wolf barks urgently. “Do you understand we’re in the middle of hunting ranges? Several! This slope is where three packs’ territories intersect and that’s only my kind.”

The dangers tally up in Vivi’s mind. Straining between the pull of remorse and the push of her instincts, she continues to guard the bodies.

The wolf sighs heavily. She expels more air than her lanky body seems to contain. “If you leave, I promise I won’t touch them. There is nothing else you can do. The scent is unmistakeable. Mourn if you must, but not here. You’ll find a wide river to the north. Drink, then travel as fast and far as you can. If you make it beyond the tree line, there are caverns in the mountainside. Hide in any one before dusk. Then head toward the sunrise. Whatever you do, keep moving.”

She’s right. The forest will teem with hungry mouths within hours. Despite the rampant destruction she had unleashed, she’s been blessed with the good-natured wolf’s presence.

“What’s your name?”

“Hyejoo.” It comes out hoarse like it hasn’t been uttered in many seasons.

“Vivi.” Regal antlers bow low out of habit. “Thank you, Hyejoo.”

Hyejoo jerks her head in awkward courtesy. “You don’t have time and your injury makes your flank all the more appetizing. Go, Vivi. I hope we never meet again or else you stayed within range for too long.”

Hyejoo returns to nosing through the snow for a burrow. Nourished off of frozen scraps, Vivi doesn’t think Hyejoo has fed properly for over a week.

Vivi’s throat constricts as she utters a farewell. “Once I’m gone, you may eat… freely.”

She knows Hyejoo will only take what she needs and will respect all that she is given. It’s the most modest way Vivi can minimize the desecration of her comrades. Vivi chains a part of her soul to the blood-stained boulder and heads north.

~|~|~|~

Vivi nuzzles further into the warmth by her side. Admiring the crackling fireplace in her cozy stable is a welcome relief from the sprint flights and endurance conditioning. But she can see it, taste it. The soreness ripples through her muscles as the days approach. Bells jingle louder and louder. The cheers rise and fall sharply. The rumbling of a sleigh shakes the very ground and anticipation coils in her stomach.

It morphs into a cacophony of screeches. Metal skidding against stone, bone meets flesh, claws meet eyes. Screams. Terrible, gut-wrenching screams. Vivi darts between the trees searching frantically. She runs and runs and runs past the same bloody boulder with the same two heads, the whites of their eyes rolling in their sockets mockingly. The cries dissolve into cackles. Low and grunting. Rumbling. The ground chips away beneath her hooves. A flash of grey flits between thick trunks, concealed under a low canopy of melting berries. Vivi runs until her lungs ache with a dryness that rips the tissue. She races across a blank canvas of sleet. Rancid raw breaths ghost over her neck, then jaws clamp down on her skull.

Vivi kicks herself awake with an agonizing grunt. Her right hoof throbs like the undulating aurora. She shakes her head to clear her vision and accidentally whacks a rumbling, snoring heap of grey fur with her antlers.

“Ow,” comes a growling wail.

It goes on for a minute and Vivi thinks it’s a bit dramatic as her shock wanes. “Hyejoo?”

The wolf huffs and rolls over. Vivi notices Hyejoo’s fur is cleaner and her ribs aren’t visible. Some of the tension that had been draining Vivi’s resolve escapes with another exhale.

Hyejoo yawns, her polished canines glossy in the moonlight. A paw scratches her exposed belly. “Of all the caverns littering the mountain, you fall asleep in my den. For two days.”

Vivi shrinks into herself guiltily.

“The trek must’ve been hard.”

“It was,” mutters Vivi.

“But you kept moving like I told you to.”

“I did.”

Hyejoo hums. They remain silent until the moon begins to set along the tips of the pines.

“What lies to the east?”

Hyejoo curves her body enough to stare at the reindeer with one lazy eye. “A way out.”

“And then?” Vivi presses.

Hyejoo’s expression scrunches up and her lip curls back. “Isn’t that up to you? That couldn’t have been your whole herd. There aren’t enough wolves to hunt all the caribou up here. Your kind migrates. Don’t you know the land?”

Vivi ignores the twisting pressure in her chest and recalls the wild ones. Sheltered life at the North Pole has spun them into folklore. Almost a species separate from her own. Her mind only constructs a feeble layout of the river path she took to the cave. “No,” she says vaguely.

Hyejoo studies her upside down, huffing in contemplation. “Do you… Do you want a home?”

Suddenly gravity drags Vivi down. It’s as if the air tranes into lead, a slab of pressure forcing her into the stone floor. Grief and shame sap the strength from her neck. A vile taste bubbles up . She doesn’t have a right to want anything. Not when she’s taken so much. Wrenched blissful reality from honorable souls. They’ll never be at peace, never rest easy, all because she was young and fearless.

Blitzen was right. She never should’ve stepped foot inside the hangar.

She never should’ve longed for the scent of cinnamon and smokey chimneys.

She never should’ve heard a human child’s whispered wish.

Hyejoo catches Vivi’s heavy head from underneath and lays it gently on the bedrock. Vivi flicks her round ears under Hyejoo’s ticklish sniffs. Hyejoo nudges a dense tangled pile of white threads across the floor, then curls up against Vivi’s back.

“Reindeer moss?” Vivi stares at the lichen in surprise. All across the frozen landscape outside are patches of upturned snow and soil. Her heart drums with a flickering gold light at the dirt crusting under Hyejoo’s claws. “How did you know?”

Hyejoo smiles wryly. “Eat.”

Vivi munches to the tune of Hyejoo’s resonating snores.