“You should go out more, Bora. You look like a hag wrapping yourself inside the blanket like this.” 

 

“I do go out, Siyeon.”

 

“Where? Studio? Supermarket? That is not going out.” 

 

“At least I leave my house.”

 

“Let’s hang out tonight, it’s been a while since we last gathered together.” 

 

“Nope, I have to finish my choreo and I need to teach it to the kids tomorrow.”

 

“If you are not coming tonight then you are positive an old hag.” Bora can hear Gahyeon saying that from far.

 

“Yah! Lee Gahyeon! Is that how you talk to those older than you?” 

 

“BYE EONNI! LOVE YOU!” 

 

“This little…”

 

“Hahaha, what she said is true tho, you need to go out with us tonight.” 

 

“I will think about it, no promise.” And I hung up the phone to continue working on my choreo. 

 

Indeed, I don’t go out much. I don’t feel like going out, ever since that day. I used to be an outgoing type of person, and you always told me that I need to calm down sometimes. But then you went along with me every time I drag you out. But ever since that day, I lock myself and drawn myself on my work. Trying to forget. 

 

I walk down the street, toward the bar that Siyeon told me to come. I’ve decided to went along with them, not wanting to listen to their nagging again later. I clad my coat tighter, not wanting to catch a cold because of the strong winds at night. I walk passed by this park near the bar, and I feel something heavy in my heart.

 

“Yah! Kim Bora! Stop running or you will trip!” Minji called from under the tree, and as she said that, Bora trip and fall. 

 

“You okay? Told you not to run.” Minji walks up to Bora, checking on her to see if there are some bruises or bleeding and to her relieve there is none. 

 

“Sorry… but…” Bora pout, looking at her girlfriend.

 

“Come, let’s go back home.” Minji pulls her along, and Bora turns back to say goodbye to some kids that she was playing with.

 

They walk hand in hand, talking and laughing together feeling happy.

 

Bora smiles bitterly at those memories of them.  ‘It’s all in the past. I wish I could turn back time.’  And she walks again only to stop on her track for a second time. She can hear the broken sound inside her heart. There you are, walking while linking arms with another person. Someone I don’t know. And the look of your face, its happiness. 

 

I saw you walk inside a bar, where I was supposed to go too. She said something and you laugh, and your smile it’s something that was never there when you were with me. And it hurts me. But I know I shouldn’t, I deserve it. 

 

I turn my heel around, not wanting to go into the bar, so I walk around mindlessly. When I feel my phone vibrate I ignore it. I keep on walking around until this one particular coffee shop comes into my sight. 

 

“Say, after we graduate, will you move in with me?” I asked her. 

 

“Oh? Are you planning to move out?” Minji looks at me confused.

 

“Yeah, I plan to move somewhere closer to my workplace. You know, so I don’t have to travel far to commute.” I sip on my hot choco.

 

“Sure, we work quite close to anyway. That is if you don’t mind me being messy.” 

 

“You are my girlfriend. I at least need to coop with you… messiness? If you are to marry me one day.” And she blushes while punching my arm playfully. 

 

“Ha! Who said that I am going to marry you?”

 

“You will Minji, you will. Because you love me, that’s it.”

 

“You are so full of yourself.” She laughs.

 

“But you love this woman.” I wink at her and she blushes. 

 

I wonder if you still remember that night. Even though I might look like I am joking around, I do mean it when I said I want to marry you. But it’s all in the past, I’ve made a mistake that can’t be forgiven. I’ve hurt you, I’ve hurt the person I love the most. I regret it but it’s too late, you already left, and I am not expecting to be forgiven. Not after what I did. 

 

My phone vibrates again, and this time I decide to take a look at it. As expected, it’s from Siyeon. As much as I don’t want to picks up the phone, I also know that she will just keep on calling until I pick up.

 

“Hey there.”

 

“Don’t hey there me! Where are you?! It’s been an hour since you told me you left the studio. And I know it didn’t take long to come here from the studio.”

 

“Yeah, sorry. About that…”

 

“Don’t tell me you are bailing out on us again tonight?”

 

“She is there…” And that is enough to make her quite. We stay in silence for a few seconds, until Siyeon speaks up. 

 

“Where are you? We are going to you. All of us! And don’t you dare to move from where you are.”

 

“I am at… ‘the’ café.” 

 

“Bora, stay there and we are coming for you now.” Siyeon hung up after she said that. And so I stand there, looking around waiting for them to come.

 

10 minutes later they did arrive, 4 of them ran over to where I am. They don’t need to do that. But I am grateful they did. The moment they saw me, they hug me, tight. And I hug back, holding back my tears that is threatened to fall. 

 

Nobody should hurt you like I hurt you, you deserve all the love in the world. But do know, nobody loves you like I do too. I will be happy if you are, I won’t take it into heart. If you are moving on with someone new, that person should at least love you like how you deserve to be. I at least will try to hide the truth that I am hurting and be happy because you are happy. Even though I know, I will be much happier if I was with you. 

 

They come to crash into my house, our house. They stay for the night, trying to distract me from thinking about you. And for one moment, it works. But after they fall asleep, and here I am sitting alone in the corner of the room everything’s reminding me of you. 

 

“Help me move this sofa will you.” You whine while holding one side of the sofa. So I put down the boxes and help you with it. 

 

“I am dead tired! Let’s just hire someone to help with the moving next time!” You said as you collapsed into the sofa. And I just laugh at you handing you a bottle of water. Which you took and drink right away before passing it back to me. 

 

“No more moving. This place is comfortable enough and spacious too. Moving is… not fun.” I said and sat next to you. You laid your head on my shoulder the moment I sat down. 

 

“Good, because the next time you say you want to move, I won’t be helping you no more.” She laughs. And we stay like that for a while.

 

A lot of things reminding me of you, everything’s in this room reminding me of you. There are still traces of you everywhere and I am not changing that. I leave it as it is. Your mug is still there, the blanket that you always use it still there sitting on the sofa, your pink slipper that I used to hate also still inside the shoe box. You took most of your stuff but you left behind some, and I keep it as it is. Because it reminds me of you. I drank the last drop and stare at the empty bottle in my hand, telling myself you are happier, aren’t you?

 

I don’t know when did I fell asleep. I woke up to a good smell of pancakes. I walk into the kitchen and saw 4 girls struggling while preparing the pancakes and I smile looking at them. They are so serious that they didn’t realize that I was standing there until I fake a cough. 

 

*cough*

“AH! You are awake.” Siyeon turns back, hands still holding a spatula, and the other also greets me a good morning. 

 

“How was your sleep, Bora.” Yubin asks while preparing some coffee with the help of Yoohyeon, and Gahyeon sits on the stool pouting, probably being banned from helping. 

 

“Good sleep. Though I don’t know how I ended up sleeping on the sofa. Good thing it’s comfortable.” 

 

“Well, you sometimes walk in your sleep and it scares us you know.” Gahyeon looks at me telling me to sit beside her, which I did. 

 

They stay for a while, eating their breakfast before they leave. Yubin and Yoohyeon going to their part-time job, Siyeon having some meetings and Gahyeon stay behind, waiting for me to take her to school. 

 

“Bora! Come eat breakfast or you will be late for your job. I have to go to a meeting soon too.” I heard Minji calling for me, so I walk out of the room.

 

“What time is your meeting?” I sat in front of her, drinking the cocoa she prepares for me.

 

“In an hour, I have to leave soon.” 

 

“See you tonight.”

 

“I will be back around 7 tonight.”

 

“Cool, I guess my class also finish around that time. Let’s eat out.”

 

“Okay~ come pick me up?”

 

“Just calls me when you finish.” Minji kissed my cheeks and she went out. 

 

I snapped back to reality when I heard Gahyeon calling for my name. I put on my coat and take my bag, not forgetting the car keys. When I went out from my room Gahyeon is sitting there grumbling something about me being slow hag. I just pat her head and we went out of my apartment. 

 

Gahyeon can be annoying sometimes, but she is the sweetest kid you will ever meet. She might be the youngest between us, but she can be the most matured one between us. She and Yubin. I wish I sometimes questioning her age too. 

 

“You sure you okay? After… you know…”

 

“I will be okay, Gahyeon. I have to. She is happy and that is enough.”

 

“You know you don’t have to pretend in front of us. In front of me. We know that you are not okay.” She said, holding my hands that are resting above the clutch. This is why I am grateful for having them beside me. 

 

“I will be okay.” I smile assuring her. I know she doubted it, but she dropped it and didn’t say anything. 

 

“You know what you did wrong, and you act like it’s nothing! You know what! I am tired, Bora. I am tired of pretending I am okay. You think I don’t know what you did out there?”

 

“I… I am sorry, Minji.”

 

“Sorry won’t change anything, Bora. You know I love you so much but yet you did this to me. I am tired.” She walks to the door, dragging along her luggage. 

 

“Minji! Please, don’t leave me, I know I am wrong, I stop meeting her, I shouldn’t have done this in the beginning. She started it.”

 

“And you went along with it, Bora! You went along with it and you didn’t stop just once. You keep it behind my back, Bora!” 

 

“I… Please… don’t leave me alone…” I hold her hands.

 

“I will be the one leaving then, you stay…”

 

“This is your house, Bora. You own this place, not me. I will be leaving, I am tired. And staying here for long will only make me more hurt.” She pulls away from her hands and she leaves me, not even turning back. And just like that, she walks out of my life. 

 

I sit there, crying. I know I am wrong, I know I shouldn’t cheat on her. It’s a moment of lust, but yet she is right, I went along with it. And I didn’t stop even though I know it’s not okay. 

 

“Bora…” I look up, and Siyeon is there, standing on my doorframe. I wonder how she knows. But I bet that Minji told her about it. She didn’t say anything, she walks to me and hug me. And I cried, even harder. I hurt her. I hurt the girl I love the most. 

 

The rest of the girl eventually found out about us, but none say a word about it. I know they must have thought that I am a bad person, but they didn’t say anything because they think it’s none of their business to stick to my problem. And I am grateful for that. 

 

They stay beside me, making sure I am okay, making sure I didn’t do anything stupid. Because there is this one time that I drank so much that they need to bring me to the hospital. Alcohol poisoning, the doctor said. Since then, they come checking on me every once in a while, making sure I am not drinking alone, not without their watch.

 

Nobody should hurt you as I hurt you, but nobody needs you like I do too. I know that there are others out there that deserve you more than me. But nobody loves you as I do. I am still in love with you. Never did change. 

 

For the second time, I see you, the same wide smile showing on your face. That person makes you happy. And I can see that you look happier, you do. I shouldn’t feel hurt. This is what you deserve, to be happy. 

 

I know you saw me, our eyes met. And I know you must have seen the look of my face, and the way I glace at you. Because your expression change from that happy smile to a sad one. And I don’t want to see that on you. So I turn around. I move on. 

 

They told me you look happier nowadays, and I know you do. Because I witness it myself. My friends told me one day I will feel it too. All I could do is fake a smile to them, to hide the truth. Because I know, I will never be happy. I was happier with you. 

 

I went home to an empty house, full of memories of us. But it’s all in the past, all because I am too stupid. All because I hurt you. Siyeon called, and I pick up right away. How can this girl know what I feel right now? 

 

“Are you okay? Want me to come over? Handong told me about the gathering just now, and she told me that the topic about her comes up.”

 

“Siyeon… you can be creepy sometimes…”

 

“I know, and you love me anyway.”

 

“You are lucky I did. But I am okay, you are with Yoohyeon right?”

 

“Yes I am, and she is also asking whether we should come over. Yubin and Gahyeon will come along too.”

 

“Then please do, and bring some chicken?”

 

“Okay, we will be there in 20.” And she hung up.

 

I stare at the pictures sitting on the table beside the sofa, it’s a picture of us. We were smiling happily and we look young. If I remember correctly that was when we were 20, and we just start dating. 

 

You look happy in the picture, but now you look happier. I know one day you would fall for someone new because you deserve it. But if someone dares to break your heart, and you need someone to cry on. Just know that I will be waiting here for you. I am not hoping for forgiveness, but I was hoping that I could be the shoulder that you could cry on. My selfish thought.