Sana's late. The moon is a bite away from the end of the month. You twist your fingers uncomfortably. You've not once considered it full since you met her - it just fattens into a dirty ash tray, spilling and playing with your feelings. Turns even the glistening lake before you ugly.

 

You sigh. The large jacket in your arms has turned stiff, its velvet fibers brittle and upright. You'd swiped it off the back of a chair at the night market from an old, robust lady selling intestines. Sana has a tendency to 'forget hers,' but you'd bet that the devious girl was being just that: devious. Your fingers only dirty when they have to, and you figure that halting the stalk of another vampire lying in wait had more than made up for it.

 

Crickets chit-chat and weeds marry each other, meeting at the base of the lake in the mud. It's dirty, it's brown - but there's something fond about sharing misery together, about tucking away into your own little corner of the world. 

 

You check the time again. Sana'd gotten it for you a few months back: a vintage pocket watch, golden and slightly rusted - said it fit your attire more than a regular, boring watch. By attire, she means an ancient cloak that you'd worn a few laundry days ago, and now she won't stop begging you to wear it because you look 'royal' and 'y' in it. So you'll grin at her through pressed lips, bear it, but - only when you want something. Other times you'll roll your eyes.

 

11pm. An hour until you need to slink away into the black again. You used to like the darkness - it felt comfortable, safe, secure. No one would be able to look at you. But these days, you find yourself longing for the sun.

 

"I'm so, so sorry," sounds from nearby, "I couldn't get away."

 

Your - whatever it is that's inside you - springs in your chest. You don't turn around, but you make sure the points of your elbows are visible as you cross your arms. There's hot breath on your neck now, but you ignore it.

 

"This is the third time you've been late this month. I cannot forgive you."

 

You aren't actually that old for a vampire - just a few hundred years - but the Sana in this lifetime doesn't know that yet. You just like to pull her leg; it's fun. You missed her dearly.

 

"Pleasee," she drawls. "Please forgive me, baby."

 

You turn around. Make a show of rolling your eyes. But you bring her into your arms in a deep caress. Inhale. You missed her more than you'd thought, and that was a great deal. Exhale.

 

"I missed you," someone says. You're unsure of who. Unsure if the sound of your heart even exists, in beats or in words.

 

You pull back. Sana's eyelids are slowly opening, like curtains in the morning. You see the sun in her eyes and the pink in her cheeks, coming together to paint the dawn. You let out a breathy laugh, and you kiss her. You kiss her and kiss her and kis- ding

 

The alarm.

 

You sigh, and look up. The moon is nearing its final stage, now. Dislocated, you think, because the only rightful place it possesses is when you can be with Sana - when you can hold her, touch her, kiss her. When you're not hiding away with the rest of the vamps as the werewolves take their turn in the world.

 

"Do you have to go?" Sana's voice is small, tinges of glum coloring its corners. "Maybe I can just - lock you up somewhere?"

 

You smile. Naivety in the honeymoon phase of a relationship is always bittersweet. Especially since the first encounter with this Sana had been a rushed exit out of the town's community center, you on the losing end of a weight unbalance - full of apologetic bows and a shy offer for coffee. "They'll find me. It's only safe with the other vampires. For me and for you." You hear her sigh, and try to chase away her pout with a final kiss. It doesn't work, but the kiss had been nice, with her lips swollen and the color of eggplant. "Now, go."

 

>> forward >>

 

"How was your day?" you ask, leaning your arms against the metal bar of the grocery cart, creating ruffles on your skin. Sana is crouched into position on the linoleum floor, squinting her eyes as she assesses each row of wine - like a child, as if it's the hardest decision of her life. She'd said she wanted a nice white on the way over, but the back label of the Zinfandel she's currently reading says otherwise. For now, it's endearing. Until you're running late for an event (then it's not), but for now - it's endearing. Even as she ignores you to scan over the wine description for the nth time. "Hon?"

 

"Do you think my mom would like this?" She turns to you with scrunched up brows.

 

"Doesn't she usually drink umeshu?"

 

"Yes, but I'm trying to get her to expand her horizons." Sana replaces the bottle. Picks up a nice Merlot. "She bought me a new dress earlier. We're having guests over for dinner tonight." She throws you a quick wink. "I'll send you a pic later."

 

Your lips curve into a smile. You grab a few packs of Sapporo beer for the girls back home, and - on second thought - a bottle of Suntory whiskey, too. For Sana's father. "Merlots are really nice for beginners," you relay. "Pinot Noirs, too."

 

Then she's nodding as she looks over her options a few more times. Finally, she tucks a mid-tier Merlot into the ground of the cart, and gifts you with a kiss. "Thank you for your expertise."

 

You grin at her, happy that you can at least offer something in the way of normal people, and normal grocery shopping. Your uncle had been an alcoholic - spent years tearing his family apart just for another drink. It's sort of interesting, you think: how alcohol had been the catalyst for the demise of the most important bond in his life, yet here it is your savior.

 

Later, she's true to her word. You'd been in the middle of a classic game of tetris when you saw the notification.

 

from: honey <3

 

[picture]

 

wish you were here..

 

You begin to type a response, to tell her she looks beautiful - but then your phone starts ringing and her contact picture is blooming across your screen. You smile, and go outside to answer. When you first hear her voice, you shake your head, because damn - Sana's drunk off her . But it's cute.

 

"It was so boringgg," she slurs. Sana recounts about the dinner: that the food had been good, but she couldn't remember what the entree was, but the wine you picked was nice, and the company was okay but they introduced her to some boy again.

 

Her voice melds with the sounds of livestock nearby and really - it's the best song in the world. Then when you think she's near the end, when she's starting to tire - 

 

"I would do anything for you, you know," Sana whispers, and trails off with an echo. "Anything.. "

 

You sigh away from the receiver. This dialogue isn't unfamiliar to you, especially when Sana's had a bit to drink. It's gotten easier to ignore it over time: what she means.

 

Then her heartbeat slows, and her exhales quiet, until they settle into that constant you love. She's counting sheep, now.

 

You're about to hang up when you hear a door squeak open from her line. Then sheets rustling.

 

"You pearl," you hear her mother whisper, every syllable full of love. "I just wish the best for you."

 

You bite your lip. Shut your eyes tightly.

 

End call.

 

>> forward >>

 

When it happens, it's out of the blue.

 

You'd laundered and ironed the picnic blanket lain before you, its worn out fibers fraying with sentiment. You pace around the expanse of the lake. Your feet can't seem to stay on the ground, body buzzing with excitement and anticipation. It's time to purify this place, you think. Sieve out everything bad that had happened here.

 

You hear harsh footsteps coming toward you. Crunching through branches led astray on the dirt floor. Then Sana's stare is fixed on you, gaze as cold and still as ice, making you shiver. You swallow, and it tastes like bitter lard. The space between the both of you seems to stretch like a rubber band - drawing skinnier and skinnier as the silence readies to turn you deaf.

 

Then Sana breaks, finally. "So, I hung out with Nayeon earlier." You know, because you'd asked Nayeon to distract Sana as you prepared everything. "She was telling me about her cousin who accidentally turned someone the day after they become a vampire." Sana moves to edge toward you, steps lighter but with terrifying precision. "The day after, Mina." Then she's right in front of you, eyes prodding at the secret you barely manage to conceal. It pierces through with ease, leaving you . "You told me vampires couldn't turn humans until they were a thousand years old."

 

You try to open your mouth to answer, to explain, to apologize, anything , but you find that you can't move at all. The elastic is still taut.

 

"Say something." Sana's face grows more heated with every passing second, and you catch her nostrils flare. "Say s- "

 

"I'm sorry," you manage. That's all you can say, really. You can't bear to look at her. Your chin is to your chest, and the blood rushing into your brain is painful but - you deserve it. "I- I was trying to protect you. I don't want you to have to hide," you tell her. "The way I live.. it's not a life. It's just existing."

 

There's a beat of silence, and you see the toebox of her shoes step back, out of view. "You think I'm angry because you won't turn me into a vampire?" Her voice is low, stained with disbelief. You finally look up, only to find that she's continuing to step backward, away from you. Like you're poison. "You lied to me." Sana's never raised her voice at you. She's always been the calmer one, the mediator when the two of you get into a disagreement - usually as a result of some small miscommunication. You find that that's her deadliest weapon of all. "We could've talked about it." Sana stops, but doesn't make a move to come closer. "You could have just told me truth. It's like - I don't even know who you are."

 

Then she's gone. You stare at the fog she left behind for a while longer, until the stars come out and take pity on you. You move to tidy up the area - shake off the twigs trapped in the blanket frills, replace the two wine glasses along with the large bottle of Syrah and corkscrew, tuck them in next to -

 

Your fingers curl tightly over the small vial in the corner, its dark liquid sluicing, staining the walls. You stare at it, and almost want to break it. It was supposed to be the answer, you think. The cure-all, the panacea you and Sana have always wished for. But now you're left wondering, looking back over at where Sana had looked at you like you were a stranger, you're wondering -

 

Maybe your relationship is only meant to exist in impermanence. Fragments and broken shards, filled with fruitless promises. And then, th