"I love you." I said as a tear rolled down my cheeks.

"But, not a 'yes'." Jiyong looked at me and I sighed a very heavy sigh, tears continue to well up. He looked down, nodded his head and let out a sigh.

"It's okay, jagi. Maybe the next time, is the time." He smiled, stood up and hugged me.

"How can you understand me?" I was crying.

"Because I love you and I put your 1st in my life. You're happiness is what matters."

"But what about your happiness? Haven't I put you first in mine? I love you!" You should know that I'm really bawling right now but we are swaying in circles. For better emphasis how we look like.

"Jagi, you're not ready. I get it. I don't want to force that on you because the stress wont do you good and it wont do me good. My happiness involves your happiness. It's not a simple thing, our situation and stance is very complicated and I understand." But he's putting a face on. I know he's hurt and disappointed. I don't like it. Should he be mad? Should he show his frustrations? Would that make me less feel guilty? But he doesn't want to hurt and scare me. He's once again putting me first before his own emotions.

"You're too good to me." My mind is a mess.

"Because I love you." That was a life line. He loves me. Until when can he..?

"But your bummed about it." I voiced out. Bummed out was too shallow to describe it, but he would be defensive if I use words like sad, unhappy, disappointed, mad and the likes. Because he's protecting me.

"Yeah. We'll get there. Someday. Don't be hard on yourself. We're still together. We're still in love." He kissed me in the forehead and I sighed.

"Give me a minute and let me wallow in my own guilt and sadness." In my mind, I'm hitting myself on the head. What's wrong with you Sandara Park?

"Babe..." And he's still putting me first. I know that tone, he's going to talk me out of beating myself in my head. 

"I can't turn your proposal down for the 7th time and not feel bad about it. I am scared you might reach your point and think that maybe..."

"Don't go there, guilt tripping yourself, stop. If you said 'yes' and you're not really ready, I know you will start worrying and stressing in your head it would make me feel more ty because I put you on that position." In any direction, it's all on me. What's wrong with me?

"Tell me when you're tired of me." I held on his face and looked him in the eyes, pleading.

"I will. But I will never get tired of loving you." He doesn't lack in loving me. I know, I can feel it. There may be other issues that springs on us, can be petty or not, but not his love for me.

"I'm sorry." 

"Don't be hard on yourself. It's a process."

"Not everybody understands."

"But what matters is I do." I nodded. I thank God he gave me a man that's so in love with me as I am to him that he sometimes understands me more than I would myself.

"Where do you want me to drop you off to give yourself some time?"

"I'll call Jea unnie."

"Okay. I'll head straight to the studio. Call me when you're ready to go home." See? He even knows I needed some time to rest my weary mind. How can I not say yes to this man. And I just did.

"I love you." I pouted.

"I love you, too."

 

 

I didn't go to Jea unnie. I decided to go home. Not at my place, not at Jiyong's. I went home to omma.

"Omma, how are you?" I asked her.

"Met some friends at the park earlier and I brought some good quality fish the cats love."

"That's nice omma. Are you okay?"

"Hmmm? Of course I am. Why did you asked?"

"Omma, you know I get worried. Sometimes I feel like I should just move back in here. Are you not tiring yourself?"

"I'm okay. I take my vitamins if that worries you. I also am careful. Still get my quarterly visit to the doctor to make sure nothing is wrong. Durami also nags me anyway." She smiled at me. "You're always welcome here. But you don't have to live with me forever. You'll marry Jiyong someday, have your own family." All of us believes that's how Jiyong and I will be. Even I. Yes, I do. But like what Jiyong keeps on telling me, he understands my worries. It's a fight with myself than with anyone else. 

"Don't you get lonely?" I asked.

"Why would I be lonely. I have my 3 children with me and 7 cats to look after. You can add to that by giving me a grandchild." She teased. Omma is not pressuring me, but she loves teasing me.

"Don't you miss having appa?" I asked after a long silence. "Well not really appa, but someone." I rolled my eyes just inserting him in the conversation. I stand on very thin ice. "Are you scared to ever date again? Get a new partner? Re-marry?"

"We ended. Not the way I wanted, not the way I ever thought my life would be a decade later. But I am doing fine. The pain lingered and shattered us all. But I would rather choose this present, with our family strong and happy than an alternative like keeping him knowing I can't trust him the same, knowing my 3 children are having a hard time as well. Some relationships get past that, can make it work. But we all are different, we all love different, we all hurt different, we all cope different, we all forgive different and we all forget different. He left a scar, but wounds still heal. Look at the scar as a testament of how strong you were to get pass that chapter and be at your present. I am contented at where I am right now. Why would I be lonely when I still got my family around?"

"What if you move in with us when we get married?" I said, afraid of leaving her behind.

"I don't want to accidentally walk in on you and your hormones." Omma half joked. "Wait, are you getting married?"

"Ani. Not.. yet." I showed her my bare hands with a heavy sigh.

"Are you waiting for his next proposal?" She asked almost bouncing on her seat.

"He just did. And I..." She knows how that went. Just like the previous ones.

"Sandara..."

"He said he understands."

"He loves you. You love him. You've made it this far. What's scaring you?" She asked softly. I knew she was asking for me than for herself to know.

"I'm scared he's gonna get tired of me. That I'm boring. That I'm too complicated."

"Have you ever told him this?"

"I might in a different time. He knows I have these doubts and fears."

"And?"

"He tried to assured me."

"But?"

"We fight instead of getting better."

"Because?"
"I'm stubborn, I keep on telling him he can never know for certain he wont get tired of me, of understanding me, of loving me."

"But how sure are you that he'll be that?"

"I'm not." The uncertainty scares me and it's not about trusting him, but people change.

"What makes you think you won't be that?" I blinked.

"Jiyong's ready to take the step with you. He doesn't know if you'll get tired of him, tired understanding him, tired of loving him. But he's taking a chance and is working to try and wipe your fears away and setting his aside. I know your father hurt you a lot for what he did to us. But not every marriage ends like us. Not every relationship ends. Do you love Jiyong?"

"I do."

"Do you know that he loves you?"

"Yes."

"Do you feel that he understands you?"

"Yes."

"Do you see marrying him?"

"Yes."

"Are you excited of having a family together?"

"Yes."

"Tell me if you separate that specific fear from the past,  don't think about it, exclude it, what else stops you from taking that step?" I had to think deep for an answer. Nothing.

"Look, you don't have to answer me on this one. But it's a question you can only answer and a question you don't ask yourself, when will you be ready?" She held my hand and gave it a pat before standing up.

"Aigoo, you're all grown ups now. How many nights will I have to keep on talking to my children and their relationships." She said as she entered the bathroom, I went to my room and left the door slightly ajar. I saw Cookie, Mochi and Richie were playing next to me as I got lost in my own head.

 

 

I heard the door creaked. I fell asleep. I felt the cats stood up and jumped off the bed.

"Annyeong~" I heard a familiar voice, he was almost whispering but I saw his crouched back and pick up Haneul who was meowing at him.

"Neh." It was a little louder and he pulled the door less open, but not fully closing it and walked away while talking. I am guessing it's omma he's talking to. 

I can hear talking as I got up. My door creaked and I saw heads turn my way.

"Hi." Jiyong said with a soft smile on his face.

"Jiyong brought some dumplings and steamed buns. You should eat while it's still warm. Durami's already gone to bed." I heard omma said while I was more focused wobbly walking to Jiyong with squinting eyes coz i'm still adjusting from the lights and I landed in his arms, we hugged. It felt so right to be just here, in his arms. It's like as soon as I was wrapped around his warmth all my troubles and worries were gone.

"I'm going to bed now. You clean up after." Omma announced, ignoring us. "Neh, jangmonim." Jiyong spoke, I felt the vibrations.

"You're sleeping here?" I looked up at him.

"We're sleeping here." He smiled at me and I hugged him tighter before kissing the top of my head.
It's not easy for the both of us. But we try our best to revert to our normal. Me turning down the proposal did not mean we're over. It's not that we love each other less, I just have my issues. And Jiyong is very open to understanding me that it's not straining our relationship.

The first was the hardest. Jiyong was very forlorn. He was hurt and so was I. It took us days to talk to each other. It was a couple gruelling days filled with confusion, sadness and fear.

It was not until the 5th proposal that I turned down that he told me right away that it's okay, we're okay and there's a right time. We have our right time for that chapter.

And just like the rest, months would fly by and we're still okay. He'd make a different proposal and we try again.

 

 

"Baby, what's wrong?" Jiyong asked a pouting me. "Hey." He held my hand, urging me to talk to him. I wanted to say something but words are not coming out. I just blinked at him.

"I'm sure dinner will be fine." He pulled me close and kissed me on the lips before kissing the top of my head as we stayed in an embrace.

I cooked him dinner. I planned this night. I set it all up. It's not much, just a romantic dinner at home, his place to be exact. He bought me the ingredients and I shooed him away after lunch. I just