The lunch dishes have been cleared off the table, leaving just drops of soup and condensation rings in the space between the three of them. Kei lets the conversation flow around her - still chiming in every now and then, still making herself heard, but it takes more effort than it used to. It takes effort to watch her words, to be mindful of where her gaze rests.

And sometimes fate conspires to make it difficult. Like when Mijoo brings up the Western music she's been listening to lately, and then Yein just happens to mention that particular artist.

"Oh, Billie Eilish?" I liked Bad Guy, I couldn't stop listening to it for weeks. What's your favourite track?" Yein asks, turning towards Kei.

Lie, you idiot. Just lie! Yet the words spill so easily from her stupid mouth. "I, um, I like Wish You Were Gay. It's kind of got this rhythm to it."  

"Ooh, that one's a good one. What do the lyrics mean, anyway. Is Billie Eilish gay?"

"W-well, I don't think she is." Don't blush. Don't say anything to make this worse. "The lyrics, well she got a bit of backlash for them - "

Just before the panic really kicks in, Mijoo is there to interrupt. "Yeah, there was some stupid controversy over them, I looked it up. She's actually singing about a guy. The real meaning is that she wishes the guy were gay, so that way she can feel better that he's not into her. It's pretty funny, because the guy she wrote the song for actually was gay in the end."

"Really? Interesting." Yein replies.

Kei buries her face in her phone as the moment hangs in the air, before brash Mijoo finally breaks the silence. "Anyway, I really do have to go. I'll see you on Friday!" Mijoo gets up from the table, waves and hugs are exchanged, and then it's just her and Yein across from each other.

"Hey, are you OK? You didn't have too much to drink, did you?"

"No, no, it's fine." Oh, what would Yein do, if she knew the real reason Kei was blushing. "What about you? Is he, um, still bothering you?

Yein glances to the side, averting her gaze as she answers. "Ah, he was grumpy again yesterday. Just stressed from assignments, really."

Why does she always do this. Why does she always make excuses for him, and only for him. "Weren't you giving him some space?"

"I was, but he called me up again on Tuesday night to come over." Yein still isn't looking at her. Does she know she's so terrible at hiding her emotions? Or is this, some subtle sign that she's meant to pick up on. Either way, Kei knows she doesn't want to push this further. Only because it would hurt Yein more. Maybe it would be better, in the end. To be that sticking her nose where it didn't belong, be the one making demands.

But that's not her at all. So she just sighs, makes a show of putting on a smile, and moves the conversation on. "So since you already visited him, that means you'll be available for noraebang this Friday, right?"

///

It's only with her friends here that she can keep her heart under control. With five of them, they have to be in one of the rooms, and not the booths. She's very glad for that. With a booth, the intimacy would be suffocating. It's not that she can't be alone with Yein, it's that she's afraid of what might happen with them drunk in a small, dark space. It helps with the song selection, too. Mijoo is here to request the latest chart hits and try to argue against any sappy love songs. And those that make it through, well, they just don't sound as intimate with five women belting them out between drinks.

But the night has one last surprise for her. Mijoo and Jisoo have to catch an earlier train, and Sujeong has something tomorrow on tomorrow morning, and so their group loses three a little bit early. Just enough to leave time for one more song for them both. She looks down at the remote, finger wavering over the numbers. She shouldn't do this to herself, she should just leave well enough alone. But the soju is overriding her better judgement, and she knows, deep down, what she wants - a memory to keep for herself. So she does it. Two-three-three-two-three. She doesn't even need to look when she types it in.

"One more song?" she asks, staring right at Yein. But the woman melts under Kei's gaze, and she sees a sheepish expression that's all too familiar.

"Um, sorry, but my boyfriend just arrived to pick me up...I really have to go. Thanks so much for organising, we need to do this kind of thing more often!"

She hates it. She hates him, for what he does to Yein. For what he does to her. It brings out every ugly piece of her. It takes effort, to lie like this, to put on a smile. "Oh, it was no trouble. See you later!"

The only thing that tears Kei away from the view of that empty doorway is the sound of the song starting up - of Billie's softly spoken tones and the acoustic chords that accompany it.

Baby I don't feel so good
Six words you never understood

She closes the door slowly, drags her feet back over to the seat where the mic lies.

I laugh alone like nothing's wrong
Four days has never felt so long

She raises it to , the machine amplifying her wavering voice.

I just wanna make you feel okay
But all you do is look the other way, mm

The thrumming, heavy chords resonate with her shivering body as she sinks into the music, into that familiar pool of emotions and memories and associations the song brings.

Is there a reason we're not through?
Is there a 12 step just for you?

She's tried to quit, but it's impossible. And so instead, she chooses to do this, to let these feelings out this way.

How am I supposed to make you feel okay
When all you do is walk the other way?

Whenever Yein has finished be her boyfriend, whenever she's been there for Yein, whenever they part, she's always come back to this song. Poured all of those feelings out, imbued those words with her own meaning. All for moments like this when she can draw them out and scream them at soundproofed walls.

Don't say I'm not your type
Just say that I'm not your preferred ual orientation

She knows what the song is supposed to mean. It's not supposed to be about someone like her. But the details don’t matter, for she's lovesick and selfish and fed up and helpless and that makes it so easy to lose herself in this.

I just wanna make you feel okay
But all you do is look the other way
I can't tell you how much I wish I didn't wanna stay

She can't see the screen now, her eyes now full of tears. But she doesn't need to see the words to cry out the last refrain.

I just kinda wish you were gay
I just kinda wish you were gay
I just kinda wish you were gay

The music stops, the TV goes dark. And she's alone once again.