The trophy felt cold to the touch at first, but Jungsoo's grip warmed it up slowly. He wondered if it was the reason why he felt so cold and numb. Maybe along with his warmth it was stealing his feelings as well?

So weird. It was their second prize in five years or so, why couldn't he muster the euphoric feeling from a few moments ago? Back on the stage the happiness had filled him up so completely, he could have sworn he had been floating above the ground, but for some reason he could barely remember it through the numbness of right now.

He took the obligatory winning selfie and posted the photos without much care for how they turned out. Still, he could only pretend for so long. He knew full well why he wasn't celebrating with everyone else, he just preferred to push it to the back of his mind. It wasn't a problem he could solve, after all, so why bother thinking about it? It's not like thinking would bring them back.

First comeback as a full group in years!, shout article titles, variety hosts, show MCs.

What bull. Jungsoo only wished he could have stood on stage and shared the trophy with Hangeng, Kibum, Youngwoon, Sungmin. And Heechul, especially Heechul. Hangeng and Kibum left because they wanted, because what was waiting for them outside the group was better for them. It couldn't be helped, and no one could hold their decision against them. Youngwoon had also made the decision by himself, even if leaving the group wasn't what he wanted. What he wanted was to stay with them, stay with his family as Super Junior, but his sense of responsibility and overwhelming guilt was bringing him down and down and down... in the end, it was better that he left. It didn't change the fact that he was still family, even if the general public had no idea how close the members were to Youngwoon still. Sungmin's official status was that he was inactive, but still in Super Junior. So how could this be a full member comeback? Jungsoo did not understand the logic in that. He didn't understand why Sungmin wasn't forgiven for whatever hard feelings there were after so many years. Other members have long since forgiven and even forgotten any mistakes over the messy situation that was Sungmin's marriage announcement and have come to be genuinely happy for him. Why couldn't fans do the same? It had been literal years, and Jungsoo's heart ached for the sweetest boy to come home to them officially.

But Jungsoo couldn't lie and say that the absence that hit him the hardest wasn't Heechul's. Heechul should have been on that stage with us, he thought. Not dancing, Jungsoo didn't want his injury to worsen. But this prize was as much Heechul's as any other member's, and so he should have been there to receive it. Not having him there made it seem as if his contributions to the album's production were invalid, as if he didn't participate as much as other members, didn't put his all - time, energy, hard work, health - into this comeback.

So maybe Jungsoo couldn't enjoy this win because he was feeling bitter. It felt unfair, is all. Heechul was part of this group, why did life have to punish him over and over again? When dancing and singing together with the group was all Heechul wanted to be doing, he had to be content with doing variety - alone, mostly. All members were busy, their time together was scarce and thus precious, and yet most of this comeback they spent without their second oldest. It was sad, and frustrating, but, to Jungsoo, also weird.

Very weird. Where was his second half to help him herd the members back on track when they were too rowdy? Where was his support to help him hype the members up when they were feeling exhausted or down? It was weird, to do all that on his own. Not that Jungsoo couldn't - he heard enough thanks and gratefulness from the members regarding his leadership skills to know he was more that good - but before now he usually didn't have to do it alone.

Jungsoo sighed. If only that was his sole problem with Heechul, his headaches would decrease by half. He sighed again. Thinking about all the absent members wasn't doing him any good. He stood, giving the trophy one last glance before handing it off to his manager. He only wanted to go home and sleep. Let his mind rest.

Unfortunately, rest wasn't what was waiting for him in front of his door.

"What are you doing here? Why didn't you go in?" he asked the figure sitting by the door.

"Didn't you nag me often enough for barging in unannounced like it was my own apartment? I'm only following your wishes," answered Heechul, ignoring the first question entirely.

Jungsoo sighed, too tired to fight with Heechul right now. "Just get up and get in," he held the door open.

Heechul entered the apartment, took off his shoes and went straight to lie on the couch in the living room without looking back at Jungsoo even once. Jungsoo was too exhausted, physically and emotionally, to deal with Heechul, but figured he did not have much choice in the matter and joined the man on the couch.

"So? Why are you here?" he tried to get to the bottom of the matter to resolve it as fast as possible.

"Can't I visit my leader and congratulate him for his win?" asked Heechul. Apparently, he wasn't in the mood to share his feelings. Which meant Jungsoo will have to pry it from him, or he won't be rid of the man.

"You could have just called. Or written a congratulatory post on Instagram." Heechul made a humming noise. What it meant, Jungsoo could only guess. "Seriously Heechul, I'm too tired for mind games. Please tell me what's wrong and let's go to sleep."

"Why don't you tell me what's wrong?" Heechul fired back, looking Jungsoo in the eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean, he asks. What about those lifeless selfies you posted?"

"Why lifeless, they were normal sefies," Jungsoo sighed. "Anyway, couldn't it have waited for another time? You know, not-the-middle-of-the-night time?"

Heechul looked at him like he couldn't believe what he was saying. "Um, maybe because you would pretend like it never happened? Right now you're too tired to hide too much from me. I'm tired, too, so tell me quickly what's bothering you so I can solve it and then we can go to sleep."

Jungsoo sighed again. He was sighing entirely too much today, but it couldn't be helped. Dealing with Heechul often left him tired, exasperated, upset. Or it left him deliriously happy, ecstatic, helplessly in love... But this was not that time, unfortunately. Still, Jungsoo knew to let Heechul have what he wanted, like he always did. The question was, how deep into the problem should he delve?

"I just missed you and I'm sad," he put his feelings as simply as he could, and promptly felt like he wanted to hide under his blankets and never face Heechul ever again. He really didn't like sharing his feelings, but he found himself doing that with Heechul often.

Heechul's gaze softened, "I'm here now, Jungsoo."

"I know. It's not that."

"Then what is it?" Heechul asked calmly. He had no reason to be forceful when Jungsoo was talking willingly. Jungsoo kept quiet, not knowing how to communicate the actual problem, with the person that was the problem, in a way. The simple answer did not satisfy Heechul, but the root of it all was something that would make them both uncomfortable and more awkward. It wasn't something that could be fixed in one conversation, and it really wasn't the best of times. But... maybe he could lay the foundation to mending their relationship?

"Jungsoo?" Heechul turned his body to face him fully, putting his hand on Jungsoo's and it softly.

Jungsoo couldn't stop the tears that formed in his eyes. Ugh, why did he have to be such a crybaby?

"It's just... I missed you on the stage. And when I made the speech. And when I received the award. When we were on Hidden Track. When we were on Run.Wav. When we were doing interviews. When we were driving to and from the venues. During the Super Show, and then when we were relaxing and having fun backstage. I just... missed you. Then. And now, too, because I know that tomorrow it will be more of the same."

Heechul looked down at his knees, stopping the calming of his hand. Jungsoo didn't know what he was feeling, but he could guess. Guilt. This was why he didn't want to talk to Heechul. He had nothing to feel guilty over, but you can't just force your heart with logic. Heechul felt sorry towards ELFs, towards Petals, towards the members... and now he will fell sorry towards Jungsoo as well, the only member that was his hyung. But to Jungsoo, he was not a hyung, not to Heechul. He was just... a friend. An equal. And Jungsoo felt sorry to Heechul as well, because he was the only one he went to with his problems, but Heechul had yet to confide in Jungsoo in the same manner. Heechul didn't want to, because he knew best how much pressure Jungsoo was under, how many burdens he bore, and he didn't want to add to them. Heechul wanted to be Jungsoo's pillar and support, and according to him, that meant not confiding in Jungsoo. That, Jungsoo knew to be the truth only thanks to Kyuhyun, who heard it from Heechul during one of their drinking meetings.

Maybe it was time to set Heechul straight. After all, what kind of friendship is one where only one person gets to confide, and the other only listens? Time to get back his friend.

"Heechul-ah... please look at me," Jungsoo implored softly, with no reaction from his friend other than tightening of his fists. Sighing, Jungsoo reached out his hand to gently grab Heechul's chin and turned his face towards himself. His heart hurt seeing his love's eyes so sad.

You made him that way, he blamed himself, so you had better fix it.

"Please, stop feeling guilty all by yourself. I'm sorry, you've lost your confidant because of me. But, please, Heechul-ah," Jungsoo continued, gazing softly into those big yet sorrowful eyes, "please, understand that was never my intention. I never wanted to change anything in our relationship. You are my only friend and I share my troubles with you, yes, but...

"I want to feel like your friend again, too. I care about your feelings. I want to know what is troubling you. I want to give you advice. I want to make you comfort food. I want to listen to you vent," Jungsoo took a breath and continued, "and I want you to come to me whenever you want, with whatever is on your mind, the way you used to so many years ago.

"Do you think... you could accept me as your friend again, Heenim? Please. I miss you." Jungsoo stayed silent, waiting for Heechul's response. He let go of his chin, giving him a way of escape, even though not looking him in the eyes pained him. Those eyes were the only way he could surmise what Heechul was feeling at the moment, but Jungsoo understood that he had to trust Heechul to willingly share his feelings with him if he wanted to repair their relationship to what it was once before. Even if Jungsoo did not necessarily know which "before" he meant.

"I..." Heechul started, his voice cracking. This time it was Jungsoo who took his hands in his, with his thumbs lovingly. Heechul took a deep breath before continuing, "I'm not sure I know how to be what you want me to be, anymore."

"I don't want you to be anyone other than yourself, Heenim," Jungsoo interrupted. "The only thing I want, is mutual friendship."

"Friendship, you say," Heechul laughed hollowly.

Jungsoo only stayed quiet, not knowing how to respond. The specifics of their relationship were complicated enough, and he wasn't sure whether now was the time to go deeper into that.

"Fine. I guess I understand what you're saying. I can't promise I will come to you with everything that is on my mind, but...

"I missed you too. My friend." Jungsoo could swear the smile he received could power the whole of Seoul - no, even the whole of South Korea. And even though their relationship has only barely started to resemble the deep relationship of "before", Jungsoo was positive it could only get better.

He will make sure of it.