Wondering around is all I can do right now. It feels like I am lost in this new world, a world where the word “us” doesn’t exist. It’s really cold outside but these stupid tears aren’t freezing. They just won’t stop. Soon enough my vision gets blurry and I only see shadows of happy people. It’s better this way, or else the happiness that they are experiencing would make my anger and sorrow grow bigger.  My feet take me wherever they want, I’m not even paying attention. Was this really how it was supposed to be? Was it fate who decided that we should separate and live our lives without each other?

If it’s like this then I don’t want to have any regrets! I want to tell you how much you mean to me, how much I am going to miss you and how much I love you. Even if this cruel life is breaking us apart, I’ll never forget you! You will stay hidden in my heart. Even if sometimes our memories will resurface and it will hurt, I will remember these times and I will open my heart to a new beginning when I will be ready. Until then, I will grieve my love and I will bury it in my heart. There, she will have some rest, she will be in peace, and she will count your smiles that were only for me. She will feel quietly all your kisses and all the hugs that we shared. When a new special person will appear in my life, she will try to make me remember the painful memories so that she won’t disappear when a new love blooms in my life. But I will soothe her. I will tell her that she, along with the man that I once loved, will still have a place in my soul, no matter how much time passes me by.

Unconsciously, I wonder if he feels the same as me. I can clearly remember those gentle eyes that were looking at me with that painful expression. Don’t feel bad, baby. If you don’t love me anymore and if you are better without me, I’ll go. But I want to think that we were in love sometimes. I wish that when we will grow older we will be able to smile at each other without any regrets or hard feelings. I wish that in your heart there will be a small spot for the girl that once stood by your side, the girl that once made you happy.

Why am I like this? Why is it so hard to breathe? Soon enough, as tears fall from my eyes, I feel small little jewels fall from the night sky. I hope they could wash away all my tears and all the pain. But they don’t. They just bring me back more and more memories of you. In front of my eyes I can see your smiling face, your angry face and I realize that I love them all. I shook my head furiously. I have to forget you! I really have to!

So good bye…

I love you, I love you…

~~After 5 years~~

I was on my way home, since it was Christmas and I was still in the street. Work has been so hectic and I wasn’t able to buy any presents. I quickly made my way through the crowd, cursing my high heels for not allowing me to walk faster. It was freezing outside and I just couldn’t wait to get into my warm apartment and into the arms of the one I love. Suddenly a loud scream echoed in the winter air. I ignored it at first, but then that voice that was somehow familiar began to scream my name and loud footsteps were getting closer to me. I spun around and saw the person that once left me heartbroken.

“I knew I wasn’t seeing things! Time must’ve flown by, but the way you walk is the same as it used to be! Look at you. You’ve became a really beautiful woman.” He said while panting, a soft smile forming on his face.

I was petrified at first and I felt like I was seeing the faint ghost of the boy that I once loved with all my heart and soul. All our memories came flooding back and the laughter of two teenagers in love rang in my ears.

“It’s nice seeing you too!”I somehow managed to say, still surprised of the encounter.

“It’s freezing here. Why don’t we go somewhere warm, perhaps a coffee shop?”He said with the lips that I used to kiss thousands of times.

“I don’t think I have time, I have to get home. After all, it’s Christmas Eve…”I hesitated, feeling awkward around him.

“Oh come on! You don’t have a little time for the person that was in your life for three years? We haven’t seen each other for five years!” He was beginning to get dramatic.

“I am going to stay for only 10 minutes, ok?”I finally gave in. He said nothing. He only smiled gratefully.

Once we got into a coffee shop, a waiter came to take our order.

“We would like an Americano and a Frappuccino, please.”He calmly said to the waiter, never taking his eyes off me.

“Actually, I would like a Mochaccino.”I said while smiling brightly at the waiter.

“Oh, I’m sorry. It seems like you have changed your preferences since we broke up.”He showed me one of his melancholic smiles, almost sad.

I was about to say something when my phone rang. My lips curled into a loving smile when I saw the appellant’s ID.

“Sorry, I really have to answer this.”I said while he nodded, sipping from his Americano.

“Hi, baby girl! When are you coming home? It’s already late. Where are you, I’ll come and pick you up.” A deep, husky pitch greeted me.

“I’m at the coffee shop next to our favorite samgyeopsal restaurant with an old friend. I’ll be waiting for you, baby boy. “I said, probably looking like a teenager girl in love. But I really felt like that way.

“I won’t make you wait, baby girl. We have a long night ahead of us. Love you.”

“Love you too…” I chuckled as I ended the call. What a ert!

“Was that your boyfriend? “He asked while looking hurt, from an unknown reason.

“Actually, it was my husband.”I smiled while showing him my wedding ring.

“Oh…” Came out his shocked answer.

“Married two years now.”

“Congratulations! I hope you are happy.” He said with a fake smile.

“Thank you! I really am happy! How about you? How are you doing?” I asked, visibly curios.

“Well, I had some short relationships, but they didn’t last. I always compared them with you. And every time, the one that was the best were you. I always hoped that I could meet you and maybe start over again. That’s why when I saw you I felt like I got a Christmas miracle. But I got my hopes up too fast.”He said while scratching the back of his head.

“Maybe if you didn’t say that you wanted to break up with me everything would be different. But you lost your shot.  You said that you didn’t love me anymore. What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to wait for you?” I asked.

“You are right. I messed up. Big time!” He said laughing bitterly.

“I’m sorry. I have already moved on. And you should do the same. Believe me, it will be better!” I tried to encourage him.

“Now I have to go. My husband is waiting for me. Happy Christmas!”I said while hugging this man who looked like a hopeless little boy.

He just nodded as I was making my way to the exit. As I looked back one more time I smiled when I saw the eyes of my first love. And in that moment I realized that I no longer belonged to him. I have found my place near a man that I love more than everything and I was happy.  There wasn’t anything that was holding me near him. The final straw of our love was untied a long time ago. Now all that we had in common were our memories that smelled like lavender and that were sometimes replayed in our minds. But they were only distant images of what we sometimes had. They were no longer real.

I smiled when I saw my handsome husband standing with his hands crossed, while resting on our car.

“Yah, are you cheating on me?”He said sarcastically while raising one eyebrow, one thing that I was never able to do.

I didn’t reply anything. I just walked in front of him and pulled him into a breathtaking kiss! How I can miss this man when he is not with me!

“Well, it seems like your wife is still able to break some hearts!”I said jokingly.

“Then I shall make sure that she will only look at me.” He whispered into my ear while opening the car door for me

This is all that I ever wanted! This is my own kind of happiness!