hi.

 

hi.

 

how are you?

 

i'm fine, i guess. you?

 

same.

 

that's nice to hear.

 

yeah.

 

have you eaten? taken a bath? 

 

i did.

 

good.

 

what are you up to these days?

 

not much. focusing on my studies, practicing guitar & living, i guess.

 

oh.

 

i want to ask you, "how about you?" but i'm afraid that you will answer me, "i don't know."

 

because i don't.

 

i don't know myself anymore, you know. what's going on with my life? why it kept falling apart? why it didn't go as i planned?

 

did i do anything wrong to deserve this? this pain, this loneliness, this feeling of being not wanted, this feeling of unjust.

 

i just want to be happy. i just want to be able to live in whatever way I want, to breathe like i used, to love whoever i want, to be able to feel excited about life again. 

 

is that too hard to ask for?

 

no. it wasn't.

 

then why? why life is being so cruel to me? why do i have to experience this pain?

 

it'll be over soon. that pain. believe me.

 

how soon is that? i want this pain to end now. i don't want to feel this pain anymore. i cannot. it feels like i'm going to be crazy if this goes on. i just want to die.

 

don't give up. no matter what happens, never give up.

 

i tried. believe me. i tried. but i can't. no matter what i do, the thoughts just keep haunting me. i want this pain to end. and death is the only way to do so.

 

look at me.

 

look at me in the eyes. tell me that you won't ever give up. that you'd keep looking forward. that you won't ever let anything get through you.

 

i can't. it's just so unfair. why? why my life got to be so ed up? i just want to be happy.

 

i just want to be happy. can i? 

 

you can.

 

how? because so far, that seems impossible.

 

look at me.

 

remember what i told you? about how precious you are? how worthy you are? how deserving you are to be always happy? to feel constant, forever love. keep those in your mind, engrave them in your heart and carry them with you, everyday, anywhere you go.

 

you matter to me. every inch of you, even one strand of your hair matters to me. i want you to be happy, from the bottom to the top of my heart. i want you to be constantly reminded of how you are loved.

 

i wish for your happiness, wherever you go, whoever you're with.

 

why?

 

why are you doing this?

 

have i ever lied to you? have i?

 

i don't know.

 

look at me. have faith in me. believe me, everything i said is true, every single sentence, every single word, every single alphabet. there's no lies in them.

 

why?

 

because you walked into my life and made me happy for a period of time. i treasure everyone who entered my life and i'm not letting you out easily.

 

sure, you cannot be friends with every ex but i wish to be there for you, as a friend. i want to listen to your problems. i want you to let everything out to me. your discomforts, your concerns, everything that has been bothering you.

 

don't throw me out because we decided to end things. don't throw me out because we had history. don't throw me out because we had memories together.

 

depend on me, like you used to. share them with me. don't keep them to yourself. you're not burdening me when you tell me these things. you never did before. so that would never change.

 

don't worry about me. i will move on. not now but eventually. i just want to be friends again. like how we were before everything.

 

but it's up to you. i'm not pushing you to do anything. just one thing. i hope you know, no matter what goes on, you can always find me. I'll be there for you, I'll still care.

 

don't do this to me.

 

i'm not doing anything. i'm just saying. don't feel burdened by me. take my offer into consideration. take your time when you do. whatever your answer is, i will accept it. wholeheartedly.

 

why?

 

you said it yourself. i'm a nice person. can be too nice for my own good but who cares? it costs nothing to be nice.

 

and our world has become so dark over time and i wish i could be a part of a "there's still good, trusty people in our world" community.

 

if you ever decide to come back, I'll be waiting. like i said, don't worry about me.

 

i will move on. i'm mending my own heart. in my own pace. not by forgetting you nor our memories but by accepting and understanding that we are no longer running together. 

 

i told you before. when the time comes, I'll let you go and no matter what happens in the future, I'll not blame you. it was never your fault. it was never mine either. it's just that we met under a circumstance that didn't allow us to be together.

 

keep everything i said in your mind, keep them in small part of your heart.

 

be selfish for once, my dear. make your own decision. wear whatever you want, speak your mind, love whoever you wish. don't think about what others think about you. you do you.

 

we live once. once it ends, it ends. so enjoy them.

 

and i want to say thank you. for everything. for the memories. for making me happy. for teaching me how to love someone, how to treat them right.

 

it was a special journey, wasn't it? 

 

it was, to me and i will cherish everything.

 

to be honest, it hurts me. it saddens me too. but can you trust me that I'll be alright soon? you can, right? because i believe you'll be alright soon too. my guts never lie.

 

be happy always, baby girl. remember, I'll always still love you. wherever, whenever.

 

no byes, remember?

 

so i see you when i see you, okay?

 

later, dear.