Warning: vague mentions of attempted suicide, mild homophobia

 

 

           “Why do you hate me so much?” Fear should be slipping through the facade Jongin has up before Sehun’s presence but no matter how hard he looks, Sehun can’t find fear anywhere. Jongin sounds genuinely curious, and for the first time ever, Sehun realises that he’s not addressed with fear. “I don’t understand why. You out of all people?”

 

“You like boys,” Sehun spits out as venomously as he can. He wants to hurt Jongin’s feelings. “You’re gay.” 

 

“And what about it?” Jongin breaks out into a small smile, humoured and entertained more than hurt. 

 

“That’s not normal.” Sehun decides to take a seat. Jongin would be a tough nut to crack. “You’re not normal.”

 

“But you’re not either. As much as people ostracise me, they don’t treat you any better.” 

 

The silence rings in Sehun’s ears like the school bell does. It’s deafening, and Sehun hates it. He’s about to scowl but he realises that maybe Jongin’s right. What can he argue about now? He and Jongin, they’re similar, though he doesn’t know why. They’re identical somehow, so much so that Sehun finds comfort in just being around Jongin. 

 

“Stop…” Sehun nonetheless says, albeit a little weakly, “Stop comparing me to yourself. We’re not the same.”

 

“What don’t you have that I do? What do you have that I don’t?” Sehun’s mouth falls open to answer but Jongin continues without a beat, “You have hands, legs, eyes, ears, lips, hair, a brain, a beating heart. What do you have that I don’t? Because I know you have everything I should have.” 

 

“We’re not the same,” Sehun fights back, hope dwindling.

 

“Enlighten me then. What sets us apart?” 

 

What sets us apart? 

 

What sets us apart?

 

What sets you and I apart? 

 

Sehun blinks, breath rushing out in a slow drag. He’s been holding it in for a while now, and he hasn’t realised it at all. He blinks again, unhurriedly, and he fixes his gaze back on the victorious smile blooming upon Jongin’s lips. Pretty lips. He pulls his eyes up to another pair of irises twinkling in fondness. Pretty eyes. 

 

“Why are you crying?” Jongin asks, tone too cheerful and bright for such a devastating moment, and the taunting smile dims into one of care. Soft. Sehun can’t find it in him to get mad. Pretty smile. 

 

Life. His life is so bleak and dull. Yet here he is staring back at such a pretty sight, taking in the view of colours he’s never seen before. He’s crying because his life is a canvas of whites, greys and blacks. And someone finally decided to let the canvas soak up a bright ray of yellow, a little green here and there and all the pretty red Jongin’s lips turn into after he’s bitten into them too hard. 

 

“I hate you.” 

 

          The click of his shoes echo loudly around the hallway, announcing his presence before he even gets to knock on the classroom door. Jongin peers into the classroom once it’s open, eyeing the numerous faces he’s familiar with. The teacher standing at the front is new, and she’s not well aware of professionalism (or Jongin’s ual orientation—but that’s a story for another day). She smiles extra sweet, tone lilts extra sweet, and her eyes linger extra long. Even after Jongin leaves with the student he’s supposed to meet.

 

“Does Mrs. Lee like you? There’s no way she doesn’t.” The boy tailing after him scoffs. “She’s so obvious.”

 

“She’s a decade younger,” Jongin mumbles, “and I’m gay.”

 

“You are?” Jongin flinches at the overly excited response. “Cool! My friend is too!” 

 

“Who?” Jongin’s curiosity bubbles up. 

 

“That half foreign kid that you probably saw around school. Romeo. Why? You gonna talk to him?” Jongin smiles in response, choosing to let the matter go.

 

Jongin comes up to the door of his office and swings it open, letting the kid enter first. He gestures to the seat across his desk and takes one for himself. The questioning ensues.

 

“Whatever you tell me in this room won’t get out. Your teachers won’t know, your parents won’t know. No one but me.” Jongin shifts in his chair, sighing. “Your friends reported to me everything worrying them and I’m here to help you.”

 

“You’re here to help me?” The boy blinks. “No one’s said that before.”

 

“Nah, don’t say that. If your friends told me they’re worried for you, it can only mean they wanted to help too. They just don’t know how.” 

 

“How are you going to help me?” His tone is skeptical, bordering around disbelief, but Jongin can tell how much he wants to be helped because he’s still cooperating. 

 

“Talking helps a lot. We’ll start from there.” 

 

          Sehun takes a step in, breathing in the smell of paper, the smell of fresh, untouched, carpet. The smell of cold air. He takes one good look around at the emptiness and preens. What would people say if they see the infamous troublemaker frolicking around in the library? Not so nice things of course. 

 

He’s about to take a seat, but a familiar voice catches him off guard.

 

“I didn’t know you liked reading.” Jongin laughs.

 

Sehun whips around in shock, eyes wide and mouth agape as he searches for a suitable excuse to being here. Jongin struts past him, ignoring his obvious current dilemma. Jongin smells like his favourite air freshener, Ocean Escape, and Sehun takes a whiff before relaxing altogether. 

 

This is Jongin. He’s allowed to know Sehun’s deepest darkest secrets. He’ll be fine. 

 

They settle down quietly, Jongin pulling out his homework and Sehun staring down at the different books he’s collected to read. He picks one about detectives, murder and all that jazz. 

 

A few pages in and Jongin’s leaning over his shoulder, breathing so gently right next to his ear. He hums in delight, and the sound makes Sehun’s stomach do somersaults all of a sudden. He has to get up. He has to move around. He feels so on edge. 

 

“I didn’t take you for the crime-fighting guy.” Jongin grins. “But then again, maybe you’d drop the idea after finding out you don’t like it.” 

 

“How would you know?” Sehun murmurs a question, not trusting to be any louder or his voice would break. 

 

Jongin plops down on his original seat, right next to Sehun, before shrugging. “I can tell. We’re humanitarians. I’d expect you to be a doctor or something like that. Something that saves lives.”

 

“We’re humanitarians?” Sehun’s voice falls just above a whisper. 

 

“We are.” Jongin nods. 

 

“Me? A doctor?” Sehun sets the book in his hold down, gently pushing it aside with one hand. “Saving lives?”

 

“Yeah.” 

 

          Mrs. Lee catches up to Jongin in the parking lot. All the students have headed home and Jongin doesn’t have any reason to stay in school any longer. She asks for a ride home since the bus that stops outside the school is halted at the moment due to the construction of a road around the block. He wants to say no, let her know that he doesn’t want to lead her on, but he allows her to climb in anyway.

 

“Key in your address in the GPS,” Jongin mumbles absentmindedly, eyes busy reading his emails. 

 

As Mrs. Lee mutters happily that she’s done, a new email pops up into Jongin’s inbox. The title makes his head spin, and the content makes his eyes blur for a moment. 

 

“An invitation to a class reunion,” he reads aloud. Who’s the sender? 

 

Who has Jongin’s email? 

 

His phone rings, making him jolt in surprise. Mrs. Lee eyes him warily, then she eyes the unknown number on his phone. She’s about to reach for it but he avoids her just in time. 

 

He has a feeling who it is. But he doesn’t want to believe it. With a gulp, Jongin swipes on his screen and he holds the phone to his ear.

 

“Hello?”

 

          Sehun chokes on a sob. He tries not to wail out at the warm touch on his back. Jongin’s making him feel less alone and more to safe. That’s the beauty of Kim Jongin. The Kim Jongin who everyone loved and adored once because he was just so nice. Then everything changed when the class found out he was gay. Jongin was left alone, and shortly after that, Sehun followed suit. 

 

“My mom called me stupid,” Sehun explains right after calming down. He doesn’t dare to look at Jongin in the eyes in fear of crumbling down once again. “She said she preferred her other family.” 

 

“That’s dumb. She’s really mean.” Jongin scoffs.

 

“She is,” Sehun’s eyes well up again with unshed tears, “and I feel so sorry for myself because I know I don’t deserve that.” 

 

“You really don’t.” Jongin tut-tuts. “It’s ridiculous. Parents really aren’t sometimes.” 

 

“I hate her,” Sehun says, full of resolve. Jongin nods at his words. “I don’t like her at all.”

 

“Me too.” Jongin choruses after him. Sehun looks up at a happy Jongin, frowning before he remembers that he has bigger issues to think about rather than wondering why Jongin’s so nice to him.

 

“Don’t tell anyone about this,” Sehun requests once he’s no longer vulnerable, once his facade is up once again. “Or you’re gonna regret it.”

 

“That will never happen.” Jongin grins. “I don’t betray my friends.”

 

          Jongin presses the red button on his phone with a strange emotion pushing its way up his throat. It’s uncomfortable, to say the least, and Jongin doesn’t like that he’s feeling this way by such a simple thought that didn’t turn out to be true. He really thought an old friend of his was still keeping his contact details. Jongin didn’t have many friends in the first place. 

 

The fact that disappointment shows in the way his shoulders sag but his breath still escapes him in a rushed manner out of relief puzzles him. Relief, he understands, because he doesn’t want to be faced with his past, but disappointment, why? 

 

“What’s wrong?” Mrs. Lee voices out to the side. 

 

“Nothing’s wrong,” Jongin responds without missing a beat.

 

“Are you sure?” 

 

Jongin starts driving. The GPS announces his first instructions to Mrs. Lee’s house. 

 

          Maybe our lives isn’t exactly ours to live. We live for others, we live because of others. Humans have always been social creatures and humans have literally died from lack of social bonds. 

 

Maybe that’s why they’re forced to spend their time together. When the rest of the world shuns them away, Jongin and Sehun finds themselves in each other’s company. People aren’t mean enough to ridicule them for being together all the time. They talk—of course people would still talk about them—but there’s no more bullying. 

 

“Don’t you ever miss being a part of the inner circle?” Sehun asks on a normal day, eyes trailing after one of the popular kids bursting into the cafeteria with a loud scream. “I don’t.”

 

“I do,” Jongin says, blinking innocently up at Sehun who glares. “What?”

 

“How can you still miss being them?” Sehun scoffs.

 

“Well, for one…” Jongin pauses for a second, acting like he’s thinking of what to say. It’s less of a pensive pause and more of a dramatic one. “They’re nice.”

 

“Them?” Sehun asks incredulously. 

 

“Yeah!” Jongin grins. “They’re nice people. Just… maybe not to us.” 

 

“You’re weird sometimes.” Sehun laughs, bright and easy, not at all forced. It comes naturally when he’s with Jongin. “But I sort of signed myself up for that, didn’t I?”

 

“Yeah.” Jongin scrunches his face up, making a look that’s aimed to . 

 

          Mrs. Lee tries to shoot Jongin a sweet smile, one that he has seen many times before from her. He doesn’t pay attention to it, only stares down at his phone like it has a life to offer him. She tries to say goodbye again, but Jongin still doesn’t look at her.

 

In the end, she steps out of the car without him even noticing. At the soft slam of his car’s door does he realise where he is and where he’s supposed to head to next. He starts up his car once again, wheeling out of the curb to the main road. 

 

His phone rings. Jongin diverts most of his attention to the phone he’s tossed to the side and tries to reach for it before the call goes missed. He takes his eyes off the road for a second. It’s a red light anyway. When he has his fingers wrapped around his main target, he slides his gaze back to the front. 

 

It’s a green light. Has been for a few minutes now. He’s about to drive but something rams into the rear of his car. The impact throws him off, makes him jerk violently in his spot. His thumb gets smashed against the headboard all too suddenly, he screams, and everything goes silent. 

 

          “I don’t understand how she does it but she’s stealing everyone’s hearts while also being able to hang around me,” Sehun elaborates excitedly, legs bouncing as he tries his best to wolf down his food. 

 

The bell just went off and they have a lot of time left till the next lesson but Sehun has to get away. His little game with the new girl in school is much like Hide & Seek. She’s new and she’s not going to be around for long. She’s just a foreign exchange student for a few short months till summer starts. Once they come back for a new grade in school, she’ll be gone. 

 

But so will Sehun. 

 

“If she asks about me, don’t tell her where I am. Please!” Sehun takes Jongin’s hands in his, and it’s almost scorching hot. It’s almost too much. Jongin might as well have snatched his hands back to himself with how badly he flinched. Sehun’s face visibly shows worry. “I’m sorry. What happened? Is yo