Sicheng had never quite been able to understand the unspoken rule of the world around him which said that boys like girls and girls like boys. Even in his younger years, the notion didn't sit well with him in the slightest. He couldn't wrap his mind around the fundamentals of the argument, because, as far as he understood, it wasn't up to individuals to decide who they fall in love with. He didn't understand why feelings felt strongly between humans, -feelings that they themselves had no inherent control over-, could be dictated in such an unfair way. Who was he to tell a woman that she couldn't love another woman? Who was anyone to tell him that he couldn't love another boy?

He'd always believed wholeheartedly that the logic within itself was flawed, but he'd also always been the type of individual that was discouraged by confrontations, so he knew that it was simply in his own best interest to keep those thoughts to himself, lest he become the target of familial disappointment or relentless school bullies. Neither was a desired outcome, so Sicheng bit his tongue, never daring to voice his true opinions, and instead staying quiet and nodding along in agreement with whatever rhetoric was being drilled so deeply into the brains of those around him.

The constructs of society reigned supreme at all times, and as he grew, Sicheng stopped trying to distance himself from his expected rolls. He accepted them on the outside, submitting to the ideologies that boys are supposed to play with little toy cars and action figures, all the while he yearned to join the girls on the opposite side of the playroom where they were fiddling about with barbie dolls, plastic food items and plastic kitchen wear. He didn't understand the need for such a divide. Why was it a sin for him to like dolls adorned in pink dresses? Why was it unheard of for one of the little girls to like the brightly painted, plastic automobiles?

His personal interests didn't ever coincide with what society told him he should be interested in. There was always a sense of inner conflict for him, as his desires were looked down upon and he knew all too well that they would undoubtedly be outwardly criticized if he were to ever open up about them. In a way, Sicheng felt that when he was with others, he was playing a role. He wasn't allowed to enjoy certain types of things, even if he really wanted to do so, and the gender roles that were forced upon him led him to believe that he was somehow unnatural or abnormal for interests that were innate to him. So, he learned to pretend, and he learned how to blend in with his peers.

He became a chameleon, hiding himself away in order to ensure his own survival, because professedly stating his own thoughts aloud was, without a doubt, the highest form of social suicide. Had Sicheng done so, he would have become a social pariah, which was something that he surely didn't need, as his naturally awkward demeanor and less than adequate people skills made it difficult enough for him to make friends in the first place. But that was before Dong Sicheng met Nakamoto Yuta. There was something about the older boy that made Sicheng's heart skip a beat right from the very first time they locked eyes in the hallway of the all boys school they attended together.

There was something about Yuta's aura that just roped the younger boy in and chained him to the place where he stood. There was something special about the boy with chestnut hair and a charming smile, though Sicheng didn't know what that special attribute was just yet. In fact, it would be weeks before the honey haired boy would know the answer to that mystery. But throughout the weeks that the younger boy spent admiring Yuta from afar, he came to realize that he was a lot more different than he ever could have imagined.

His attractions towards other boys before the chestnut haired male had always been fleeting. They went as quickly as they came. Crushes, slight interests, and small dribbles of attraction were all that they were, and Sicheng certainly never acted upon any of them. After all, he knew all too well that if he were to pick the wrong person to say something to, that his already lackluster state in the school's social hierarchy would immediately crumble, leaving him at the very bottom of the pile. He would go from being the weird, quiet bookworm that liked to sit near windows, to being a disgusting, repugnant freak, and frankly, Sicheng simply wasn't strong enough to handle that. The honey haired boy also didn't see the point in relaying temporary feelings to someone, knowing well and good that they would be gone before the weekend came.

But with Yuta, it was intrinsically different. His attraction wasn't fading, and try as he might, he couldn't force that pull of inner desires to go away. No matter what, his feelings persisted, and they even became torturous, in a way. Despite his personal disbelief that the unspoken nature of all human beings is to be attracted to members of the opposite , he also couldn't shed the idea that there was something wrong with the way he was feeling towards another boy. Homouality was such a taboo subject for those around him, so it, in itself, was never spoken of.

Instead, the conversations took the turn of what he should do, rather than what he shouldn't. He was told to fall in love with a female, marry said female, and have offspring with said female. In reality, it seemed that most of the men and boys within his vicinity believed that all women are only good for bearing children, and despite being a male himself, Sicheng couldn't help but to sympathize with the girls around him that were virtually assigned a destiny before they were even conceived.

Fall in love, but not with someone of the same . . . No, because then it's wrong, and that's when love is a choice that you're making instead of feeling brought about by nature. The honey haired boy didn't understand that logic in the slightest. Who said that there were rules and stipulations when it comes to who human beings can feel affection for? Who gave anyone the right to try and dictate the love of another individual? Who said that he couldn't have feelings for Nakamoto Yuta, and why?

That year, Sicheng's eleventh grade year of high school, taught him a lot more than the periodic table of elements, devices used in historic pieces of literature, and how to properly work out multi-step algebraic equations. That year, Dong Sicheng learned so much about himself, so much about the world, and so much about his own feelings. His junior year taught him of the elation and euphoria of romance, and the pain and sadness that comes from heartbreak.

That year bears the best and worst moments of the honey haired boy's entire life. It holds the screen shots of innocent love and ripe youth at it's peak; the words written about pounding hearts, blushing cheeks, nervous butterflies, and a ride of passage through the days and weeks of teenage hormones.

That fateful year wrote the story of Dong Sicheng's measure of adolescent love.

✦

September seventh. . . It was slightly chilly, but not exactly cold, and Sicheng's ill-fitting jacket was adorning his body for the first time in quite a while. There hadn't really been a reason for him to wear it in the recent days, but that morning he'd woken up at six fifteen sharp in order to get ready for his first day as a third year student. He wasn't excited in the slightest, and his stomach was tied in knots due to his own nervous energy. He felt so anxious that he couldn't even bring himself to scarf down any sort of food or drink for breakfast, so the honey haired male left the house on an empty, nauseous stomach, his school bag hanging haphazardly off of his left shoulder, his freshly ironed uniform laying lightly against his warm beige skin, and his charcoal grey jacket stopping the nippy air from attacking his exposed bodily parts too aggressively.

As he drew closer to the school, the sense of dread that had long since settled into the center of his chest began to ebb its way to the forefront of his emotions. It wasn't an unusual occurrence, as Sicheng had always loathed going to school with every last fiber of his being. He hated waking up early, he hated the annoying people that he would be surrounded by, he hated the droning voices of all of his teachers. . . There wasn't a single thing that the honey haired boy liked about the place in which he received his education. He anticipated each school day with absolute horror, and nothing less than such. It had always been that way for as long as he could remember. He'd asked about home schooling many times before, but his parents always insisted that they wanted him to receive a traditional education as they had in their youths, and that was always the end of the discussion.

Sadly, that was how most things with his parents concluded. Sicheng's thoughts and feelings would be swept under the rug as if they were completely and utterly meaningless, and the honey haired male eventually came to realize that he would never be able to live his life on his own accord until he was of the age where he could be considered a legal adult. Until that day came, he'd have to ride things out as best he possibly could, making the most of a situation that was virtually the life from his body. It was always a struggle, but Sicheng pressed onward with his head held high, reminding himself that good things take time and that flowers couldn't bloom without the rain.

He took in a sharp breath as he entered the school building, just hoping that his peers would choose to blatantly ignore his existence among them. He would have much preferred it to be that way, as it was either that, or be relentlessly hassled by males that were taller, heavier, and all around stronger than himself. He wasn't necessarily the victim of bullying, or, at least he refused to put that specific label on himself, -but rather, Sicheng occasionally found himself at the end of crude jokes or various snide comments. Still, the honey haired male knew that things could've been much, much worse for him, as he saw what others had to deal with on a day to day basis. Therefore, he kept his lips pressed together, and he didn't utter a single complaint out loud, as he was more than able to recognize that he was, without a doubt, one of the luckier ones.

The layout of his school was rather odd, and in order to make his way to his own locker, Sicheng had to pass through the hallway where the lockers for the fourth year students were located. That, or he would have to go around the school in an irrational manner and climb an extra set of stairs in order to be able to get where he needed to go. But, even for him, that big of a change in route was out of the question. It was unreasonable in every sense of the word, and he wasn't about to put his already upset stomach through anymore labor than what would be absolutely necessary. So, the honey haired boy tagged along closely behind a group of four third year students that were chatting away and laughing with one another, clearly too occupied with their own conversation to notice that he was creeping along behind them in hopes of passing through the hallway without any sort of disruption.

However, the universe seemed to be against Sicheng in every way possible, and just when he was nearing the end of the hallway, a senior student stepped backwards without paying attention to his surroundings, and his body collided with the younger boy's. The honey haired male ended up on his back, his heartbeat racing wildly in his chest as he scrambled to pick himself up off of the cold, tiled floor. The person who had knocked him down due to their carelessness was a popular, handsome, and extremely athletic individual that virtually had the entirety of the school at his fingertips. You were either friends with him, or you steered clear of him as best you possibly could, because he was, frankly, untouchable.

After all, any student who's parents donate thousands of dollars per year to the school their child attends is going to get special privileges. And, one of those privileges was being able to push the younger students around without fear of any repercussions for his actions. Xiaodan looked Sicheng up and down, almost as if he was assessing his worth. The older male's dark brown eyes, that looked black upon first glance, were laced with judgement, and the honey haired boy didn't have a single doubt that he was currently being criticized very harshly in the raven haired male's mind. The younger boy shrank slightly under Xiaodan's gaze, feeling inferior in every way possible. His adrenaline was pumping wildly, and he feared that he was about to be shoved back down to the ground, or maybe even punched in the nose.

Any which way, the shorter male just wanted to get out of the situation unscathed. His pride was bruised enough as it was, and he just hoped that the senior student would have the decency to let him escape with those wounds and those wounds alone.

"Watch where you're walking," Xiaodan stated, a snobby tone lacing his voice.

It was almost as if he thought that Sicheng was nothing more than a village peasant, while he was some form of royalty. But, in reality, he was simply the most popular student at an all boys high school, which wasn't exactly an accomplishment that the older boy would be able to put on his college applications. Had the shorter male been brave enough to do so, he would have told Xiaodan off right then and there, and he would have put the halfwit in his place. Sadly, that type of scenario was best fitted for his imagination only, and the honey haired boy lowered his gaze and avoided making eye contact at all costs.

"Sorry," he apologized quickly, turning away from the senior student as quickly as he could in order to leave the hallway and make his way to his locker, -hopefully without anymore obstacles.

Thankfully, Xiaodan didn't seem to be too keen on pressing the matter any farther than that, much to Sicheng's relief. The third year student was now slightly shaken up by that point in time, but he did his best to delete the moment from his memory, or at least to suppress it to the very back of his mind for as long as he possibly could. Although, he knew all too well that the scene would be playing over and over and over again within his mind like a broken record for weeks to come. Feeling incredibly disheartened by the abnormally atrocious start to his morning, the honey haired male kept his feet moving, putting one foot in front of the other, not looking to trip and make an even bigger fool of himself that day.

In spite of that very unpleasant moment, however, Sicheng found himself locking eyes with someone that he'd never seen in school before. He was handsome, -probably one of the most attractive people that the honey haired boy had ever laid eyes upon-, with chestnut hair that looked as if it would be incredibly soft and silky to the touch. His eyes matched his hair, with his irises encircling his pupils with a shade of brown that wasn't too dark, nor too light. His lips were bowed nicely, almost in a way that seemed too perfect to actually be real or natural, and they were brandishing a pale shade of rose pink that made them look extremely soft, and dare the younger boy note, kissable.

The boy to the right of him was effortlessly breathtaking, and his appearance was both nerve-wrecking and endearing to the younger male at the same exact time. An odd mixture of varying emotions established their place within the honey haired boy's stomach, leaving Sicheng to wonder just what was going on with his insides. After a moment or two, the stranger pulled his gaze away from Sicheng's, causing a bizarre concoction of emptiness and melancholy to take root within his veins.

✦

It would be another three weeks and two days before Sicheng would have another experience with the beautiful, chestnut haired male that he'd locked eyes with in the fourth year hallway. Along the way, he'd learned that the older boy's name was Yuta, as he was quite the hot topic for the whole of the school, so all the honey haired male had to do was listen in on a few of his classmates' conversations to gather that information.

For the following twenty three days after their first chance encounter with one another, the younger boy couldn't seem to get the brown haired male out of his mind, no matter how hard he tried. There was just something about the senior student that made his heart pound like a drum inside the confines of his chest; something that made Sicheng's thoughts constantly wander to him for reasons unknown. The attraction was there, and undoubtedly so, and in the beginning, the honey haired male assumed that it would fade rather quickly, as all of his previous crushes had done without issue. But with Yuta, it was different, and the younger boy could feel that in the very core of his being.

He'd never been the type to believe in soulmates, but the chestnut haired male was truly making him rethink his stance on the matter. He thought that maybe, -just maybe-, there was a chance that that type of true, undying connection between individuals could really exist within his own reality. The honey haired boy even began to wonder if the red string of fate was going to tie their destinies together, interweaving their lives and pulling them together in a purposeful, guided sort of way. It was September thirtieth, and the leaves were nearly finished with their colorful transformations, going from varying shades of green, to a vast sea of reds, oranges, and yellows. Sicheng had always loved autumn, despite the fact that he wasn't the biggest fan of cold weather, and he always loved getting to admire the brilliant colors that the season brought about.

It was also one of the most glorious times of year for him to snap hundreds of pictures around his neighborhood, as the honey haired male was quite fond of photography, and was very much so considering pursuing a career in that industry. However, he knew that he couldn't disclose that information to his parents, because they were very keen on pushing him to become a lawyer, or a doctor, or an engineer; -blatantly showing discouragement for any chosen path that involved the arts, as they didn't value such things. But Sicheng did, and he was leaning towards photography as his chosen profession, despite knowing that neither his mother nor his father would approve of it in the slightest.

But it was his life, and it was his decision to make, and he wasn't about to throw the entirety of his happy future away in order please two people who's love wasn't unconditional in the slightest. Their love came with so many stipulations, and they rarely showed their son any sign of affection, so he decidedly stopped trying to earn their love, because he'd come to realize that he simply didn't need it. If they were going to put regulations on their love for him, then he was better off without it.

The weather that day was a bit warmer than Sicheng expected it to be, which he was particularly thankful for. It had rained the night before, and he'd gone to bed hoping that it would have passed once he awoke the next morning so that he could go out and take pictures, and much to his delight, he woke to a majoritively clear sky and above average temperatures. He left the house feeling giddy, refusing to let any of his normal, everyday worries interfere with his enjoyment of his most favorite form of expression. He simply wanted to capture the beauty of the world around him without having to think too much about school work or anything even remotely troubling to him in any way. For the time being, all the honey haired boy yearned to do was snap picture after picture, relishing in the beauty of nature, allowing the struggles of his everyday life to fade into the blurry background of it all for a while.

That day, however, Sicheng got much, much more than he'd bargained for. Not only did he get to experience the beauty of his environment, he got to experience the beauty of Nakamoto Yuta close up. It was a day that went down in history for the honey haired male, -a day that he highly doubted he would ever be able to forget.

It was nothing more than a sheer coincidence. . . Or, maybe it was the universe pulling on the red string of fate that was holding their fates together. Either way, the two boys crossed paths in a local park where in which Yuta was seated on a bench, indulging in the sketching of various forms of nature, using the real deal as a reference. The younger boy knew that taking a picture of the older male whilst he was unaware of the fact that the action was being conducted was a blatant invasion of privacy, but Sicheng couldn't help himself. He took a few candid shots of the chestnut haired male, only for Yuta to notice him a few seconds after the last moment was captured. Thankfully, he didn't have any suspicions about the honey haired boy, and instead, he approached Sicheng in a kind way, simply because he recognized him from school.

"Your name is Sicheng, right?" The older boy inquired, hoping that he'd gotten it correct.

The two of them had never actually spoken to one another up until that point, but their school was on the smaller side, so learning the names of people was a rather simple task. The honey haired male, however, was more than surprised by the fact that Yuta was able to recognize him, and it made his heartbeat thump a bit faster as the apples of his cheeks heated up ever so slightly, tinting themselves a peachy color that he decided he would blame on the weather if the senior student were to ask about it.

"Yeah," the younger boy nodded in confirmation, trying to get a grasp on his racing thoughts, "that's me. And, you're Yuta, right?"

He knew the answer already, but stating it as a fact more than likely would have seemed extremely creepy, so Sicheng decided that it was best to turn it into a question. The chestnut haired male was practically exuding confidence. He didn't seem to be nervous in the slightest. The honey haired male assumed that it was because of the fact that Yuta was quite a personable human being, therefore making friends easily, giving him the innate gift of sociability that Sicheng harshly lacked. From first glance, nobody would have been able to guess just how much the two of them had in common. Not even they were aware of it, actually. They seemed like polar opposites from the outside, but upon digging a little deeper, they would come to find that they weren't so different after all.

Sicheng, a quiet, shy, and extremely socially awkward third year high school student with a passion for photography, a love for reading books, and more secrets than he knew what to do with. . .

Yuta, a confident, charming, and popular fourth year high school student with a talent for playing soccer, a liking to the leisurely hobby of drawing, and a friendly demeanor that made it nearly impossible for anyone to outwardly dislike him. . .

Who would have possibly guessed that the two of them would be brought and tied together by a force that was completely and utterly out of their control?

✦

Friendship blossomed between the two boys like a rose in spring, creating something incredibly beautiful. For Sicheng, it was the very first time in his entire life that he'd ever had a true companion. He'd never before known the luxury of having a best friend, but he found that solace within Yuta's embrace, finding comfort in the fact that the chestnut haired male cared for him in an unconditional way.

Even when people questioned him based on his choice to hang out with Sicheng, Yuta never once wavered in his loyalty. He despised those who only do as they're told, and he always said that those who allowed themselves to be controlled by others are even more idiotic than the controllers themselves. Particularly, the older boy admired Sicheng because of his unwavering sense of self. The honey haired boy was his own person, and he pursued photography despite his parents telling him to do otherwise. He admired the younger male because he didn't change himself in order to fit in with everyone else. He stayed true to himself.

But Yuta didn't know just how wrong he was about that. The senior student didn't have a clue what types of things that Sicheng had forced himself to conform to over the years, and the honey haired boy didn't plan on telling him, either. Not yet. Maybe not ever. After all, if he were to say something that Yuta could possibly view as disgusting or unnatural, then Sicheng ran the risk of losing the only person in his life who'd ever made him feel truly alive. When the honey haired boy spent time with the fourth year student, he felt comfortable and safe. But what good would those feelings be if the older boy didn't know the real him?

It wasn't at all that their friendship wasn't enough for the younger male. Of course, his heart still longed for a different type of connection, -a deeper, more meaningful one-, but just having Yuta in his life at all was enough to make Sicheng feel complete. However, the honey haired boy was left with a constant feeling of guilt, because he was hiding his true self away from someone that he considered to be his best friend. He was doing so in order to preserve their connection, and also out of fear of what the older boy's reaction would be, but even still, the remorse ate away at his insides like a famished mouse. He wanted to to tell Yuta the truth. . . But how? When was the right time? What were the right words to say?

"Yuta," Sicheng spoke the older male's name, mentally preparing himself for what he would have to say next, "I'm gay."

Silence followed for a few seconds, only to be broken by the honey haired male sighing deeply as he looked at his own reflection in the bathroom mirror.

"How the hell am I supposed to do this?" He questioned himself, feeling frustration and anxiety wash over him like a crashing wave.

Sicheng absolutely hated feeling that way. He hated the feeling of constant worry, because it was also a constant distraction. The younger boy could never just enjoy his time spent with Yuta, because he was far too busy worrying about what the chestnut haired male would say about him if he were to find out the truth.

"I don't like girls," the third year student stated, avoiding eye contact with his own refection.

". . . I hate myself," the honey haired male's hands turned into tight fists at his sides.

He just wanted some sense of normalcy. Everyone around him seemed to have it all together. . . They could all do as they were told, follow the right traditions of their families, -they could be normal. The boys liked the girls and the girls liked the boys, and nobody else was even bothering to ask why that was. Because being straight was the default, and anything less than that was an abomination. Not a single person would even attempt to understand Sicheng's feelings, and instead, they would write him off as a mentally ill individual that just needed some counseling sessions in order to get his head on straight. Or, worse than that, he might just be sent somewhere where people attracted to the same are brutalized and tortured as a means of "converting" them, which, in all actuality, was just a way of saying that they would come out of those places and stay alone forever, or force themselves to believe that they were truly in love with an individual that they had no connection with or attraction to.

Either way, it was a very sad reality as far as Sicheng was concerned. He just couldn't understand why his type of love was so wrong in the eyes of so many people. . . Why was it a disgrace for him to love another boy? Why was that so unsuitable and unacceptable?

In truth, it wasn't himself that he despised, but rather, it was the way that society viewed him that he hated. He didn't choose to feel attraction to members of the same , because if he'd had the choice, he certainly wouldn't have gone down the path of a boy that would need to hide an intricate part of his own self in order to survive in the world he was living in. But that was inherently the case. Sicheng didn't choose to be gay. It wasn't a decision he made; it was just a part of him that was, without a single doubt, irremovable. He'd done everything in his power to kill that particular part of himself, but doing so would only result in his own death as a whole.

Moreover, nobody around him understood what it was like to live with that type of burden. He walked through the halls of his school, just wondering if someone had figured him out somehow. He knew what some people were capable of, and just the very thought of it terrified him and chilled Sicheng to the very core of his body. The people he was surrounded by were so quick to judge people like him, -so quick to say that they were disgusting and unnatural-, but they wouldn't ever be able to understand what it was like to walk a day in his shoes. They wouldn't ever know what it was like to live with a secret that could rip his household apart and sever the ties that he'd come to create with his best friend.

They wouldn't ever get it, but they would certainly pass judgement on the honey haired boy despite that, and that was the cruel reality that he lived in.

"Sicheng, what the hell are you doing in there?" Yuta knocked on the bathroom door multiple times over, and the pounding of the wood paired with the sound of the older male's voice ringing out was more than enough to pull the younger boy from his trance-like state of existence.

"Sorry," Sicheng opened the door quickly, "I spaced out a little."

The chestnut haired boy laughed, and when he did so, the younger male's heart began to do somersaults inside of his chest. That cute, giddy laugh of Yuta's was just another reason that the honey haired male had come to love him so deeply, and yet in spite of those raging desires, Sicheng kept those thoughts and those feelings all to himself, no matter how painful it was to do so. Telling the truth wouldn't lead to anything good, and therefore, he bit his tongue.

Nothing ventured, nothing lost, nor gained. . .

"You look like you have something on your mind," Yuta noted, a glint of worry flickering through his irises, "are you feeling okay?"

Sicheng wasn't okay. He wasn't even close to being as such. How could be alright when he was practically carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders? No, the honey haired male wasn't okay in the slightest, but he would put on a fake smile for the people around him and pretend like he was, because that was so much easier than giving an explanation.

"Yeah," the younger boy lied through his teeth, "I'm fine. Just a little tired, I guess."

Another excuse for strange behavior. There was always an excuse with the honey haired boy.

". . . you're sure?" The chestnut haired male pressed a bit harder, "because, I'll listen if you need to talk about something. I'm always here for you."

That was true. Since they'd become friends, Yuta was always there for Sicheng no matter what. If the younger male got into an argument with his parents, he would go to the older boy, and Yuta would give him a shoulder to cry on. The senior student had given the junior so much, but Sicheng had been lying to him the whole entire time, and just that fact alone was enough to keep the younger boy up at night. He hated having to lie, and he hated playing a game of cat and mouse with the chestnut haired male, because truthfully, all the third year student really wanted to do was tell Yuta what his lips and tongue were begging him to divulge.

Even so, the honey haired boy nodded his head in false confirmation.

"I'm sure," he flashed a synthetic smile that Yuta was able to see through very easily, "there's really no worries."

No worries. . . Oh how Sicheng wished that that could be his reality. . .

The older male knew that the honey haired boy was telling white lies, but he came to the conclusion that it was better for him to let the younger boy come to him and spill his guts on his own time. Therefore, Yuta pretended to believe the third year student's excuse of "just being tired", and the two of them laid down on Yuta's bed side by side in order to get some rest for the night. The chestnut haired boy was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling of his bedroom. His chocolate colored eyes traced over the white paint, and he kept his pupils trained there, almost as if he was expecting something to change with it somehow. To his right, Sicheng was lying on his side purposefully facing away from Yuta, because he knew that he would end up staring at the older boy if he wasn't turned away from him.

There was space between their bodies, a good few inches at that, but they were sharing the same blanket, and the honey haired boy could feel the older male's body heat sinking into his skin. In that moment, Sicheng was fighting the urge to flip himself over, wrap himself around Yuta's body, and keep his figure pressed tightly against the chestnut haired male's. Never in the younger male's entire life had he ever felt so strongly towards another human being, and the fact that he had to hide his love was one of the most painful things that Sicheng had ever experienced. His feelings would mean absolutely nothing if he didn't relay them to the person they were directed at, but at the same time, if he said nothing, it would secure their friendship in the long run.

". . . Yuta," the younger male whispered the older's name in a soft tone of voice.

"Hmm?" The chestnut haired male hummed lightly in reply.

"Is there anything that I could say that would make you hate me?"

The few moments of silence that followed that inquiry felt like the longest moments of Sicheng's entire life. He could feel his own heart hammering against it's cage like a drum, and he worried that Yuta could hear the beating too.

"I. . . I could never hate you," the older boy stated firmly, but the honey haired male suspected that he was only saying such a thing because of the fact that it was very clearly what he wanted to hear from Yuta.

The two of them met in autumn, when the leaves were changing colors and the atmosphere was getting colder. Their threads intertwined in the middle of a season in which the beauty of death is relished in. They grew closer through the coming winter, acting as warm flames for one another, and Sicheng recalled the night in which he compared Yuta's brown eyes to a steaming cup of hot chocolate. The world around them was getting colder, but they were each growing warmer. . .

But the two of them, in Sicheng's mind, were simply far too different. Yuta was the sun, always shining brightly with healing, life giving rays. The younger male, however, was the moon; -much more dim, and unable to shine without the sun in existence. In that sense, Sicheng fed off of the chestnut haired male. He was the darkness, while Yuta was the light. Sicheng was winter, while Yuta was summer. There was a balance between them, and for the life of him, the honey haired boy didn't want to disrupt it. He wanted things to stay the same, all the while he yearned so deeply for something so much more than just that; -something that he'd been too scared to reach out for up until that very moment.

Now, it was make or break time. Their bond would either grow stronger, or it would be severed, and if the latter outcome were to take place, Sicheng truly wondered if he would be strong enough to push forward after that. However, the constant guilt of lying to the chestnut haired male for so long was too much for Sicheng to bear going forward. As the honey haired male to his other side in order to face the object of his affection head on, he found himself looking into Yuta's eyes, as the older male had already switched his own position several moments beforehand.

All the reasons to not do what he was about to execute came flooding in as if his body chemistry had opened up the dam that was holding his doubts back, sending them a blanket invitation into the third year student's body. He felt the swell of undeniable panic that could either grow or fade depending on which course of action he was to take next. His nerves would settle back into their rightful places if he were to back down, but then he would have to relive the scenario all over again in due time. It would only grow if Sicheng left his pan of thoughts to sit on the stove top of his mind, and it would soon bubble over if he wasn't careful. If he left things as they were right then, those thoughts would swirl into a vortex of stupidity, incessantly gnawing on their own tail.

The only other option was to breathe out real slow, speak his thoughts into the ether, and truly emerge as the real boss of his own self. . .

But Yuta's intense stare made it hard for the younger male to let the truth slip through his lips. Those eyes, God, those eyes; -they were the bane of the honey haired boy's existence, all the while being his one saving grace simultaneously.

"Yuta. . ." the honey haired boy choked out the name as the same stifling tightness that he'd known for the majority of his life came crashing back to him even harder than ever before.

In that moment, it felt as if the red string of fate, the one connecting Sicheng's destiny to Yuta's, had come to wrap itself around the younger male's throat, pulling tightly, obstructing his air supply and digging roughly into his flesh.

This love would surely be the death of him. . .

"You're scaring me," the older boy stated, a slight quiver in his voice, "so please, just tell me what's wrong."

Wrong . . . Is that what you'll say my feelings are, Yuta?

"If I told you that I don't want to exist anymore, what would you say to me?" Sicheng whispered.

The chestnut haired male's face dropped, along with his heart. Those words were unexpected, and they caused him a great deal of pain, as he'd grown to be very, very fond of the younger boy.

". . . are you telling me that you want to die?" Yuta asked, swallowing the lump that had formed right in the center of his throat.

"Not exactly," the honey haired male shook his head.

"It's not that I want to die, it's just. . . If I had the opportunity to disappear without hurting anyone, I think I that I would take it."

It wasn't necessarily death that Sicheng wanted, but more so, he wanted peace. He wanted to feel some semblance of serenity; -to feel the heaviness be taken off of his shoulders, and to feel the anxiety be removed from his chest. It wasn't necessarily that he wanted his heart to stop beating completely; -it was just that he wished the organ could do so without causing him such pain.

"Don't be selfish," Yuta replied, and though the words were slightly harsh given the context of the situation, the older male's tone of voice was gentle.

"If you were gone, I would be completely alone. There's no way you could disappear like that without hurting anyone."

"You wouldn't be alone," the younger boy replied flatly.

"You have plenty of friends besides me, Yuta. Practically everyone likes you."

"They might like me, but they don't care about me. They'll talk to me in the halls, but none of them would listen to my problems or help me through things like you do. I would be so lost without you that I probably wouldn't even know what to do with myself if I woke up one day and you weren't around, Sicheng."

"There's billions of people in the world, Yuta. . . I'm sure you'd be able to replace me pretty easily," the honey haired boy noted.

"I could never," the chestnut haired male stated, saying the words in such a way that it almost seemed as if he'd taken offense to what the junior student had said.

"It doesn't matter how many people are in the world. Not a single one of them could ever take your place. You're the sun, Sicheng, and normal stars couldn't ever replace you."

But the honey haired male didn't see himself as the sun. In fact, he saw Yuta himself as the star in the sky in which the Earth orbits. The older male was the center of Sicheng's entire universe, and the entire universe is exactly what the chestnut haired boy rightfully deserved. But the younger boy wouldn't ever be able to give that to him.

"Is there anything that I could say or do right now that would make you think differently about that?" The third year student questioned.

"Nothing," Yuta answered without a single hint of doubt or hesitation in his voice.

And yet, despite that, Sicheng couldn't bring himself to believe that that was the case. He just couldn't believe with absolute certainty that the chestnut haired male would always care for him so unconditionally. He was sure that Yuta's affection and fondness towards him came with its own sets of rules, boundaries, and limitations. . . After all, Sicheng had never known a human being that was able to love without restrictions and restraints.

"Can you promise me that?" The honey haired boy whispered, attempting to swallow the panic that was threatening to engulf his entire being and pull him back far away in order to keep him from saying what was right on the tip of his tongue.

The older boy reached out with a singular hand, cupping the younger male's cheek with it.

Yuta's warm, slender fingers sent a shock wave of euphoria throughout Sicheng's nerves, and he had to stop himself from closing the decreasing gap between their two pairs of lips.

"I promise," the fourth year student assured, but still, the words did very little to make the honey haired boy feel any better about what he was about to confess.

It was too late to turn back as far as Sicheng was concerned, because holding in the truth and keeping it from the chestnut haired male was absolutely killing him from inside out. The guilt was like gasoline in his intestines, seeping into his vital organs and into his unsuspecting bloodstream, needing nothing more than a single spark of something desperate to set his insides aflame.

Yuta's eyes, those eyes that started it all in the first place, were staring into Sicheng's own pair with the type of intensity that was nearing the point of being absolutely terrifying. Those deep pools of dark-cinnamon swirls somehow managed to seize the depth and the heaviness of the situation, almost as if they were telling the younger male that they understood what was running through his mind relentlessly, causing him to feel powerless, inferior, and downright disgusted with himself at times. But there was no way for Yuta to truly understand what was happening. . . Not unless Sicheng was to become brave enough to say it aloud.

Those eyes were where it started, and the younger boy assumed that those eyes would also come to mark the end.

"Close your eyes for me, Yuta," Sicheng whispered the request lightly.

A glint of confusion flashed through the older boy's orbs.

". . . why?" The brown haired male questioned, not understanding why Sicheng would ask him to do something like that in a position like the one they were currently in.

"Don't you trust me?" The honey haired boy inquired, guilt tripping the senior student slightly in order to make the moment speed up a bit faster, because as things stood right then, Sicheng was incredibly close to backing down, rolling over, and simply going to sleep beside of Yuta as nothing more than his best friend.

In all honesty, the younger boy felt so incredibly selfish for yearning for something more from the chestnut haired male. Why couldn't he just be content with having Yuta as his best friend? Why did his heart have to push the limits of their comradery into the territory of something as dangerous as love?

"No I. . . I do trust you," the older boy stated, and only a moment later, his mahogany irises disappeared behind his eyelids as his eyelashes came together smoothly.

Sicheng had always heard that actions speak louder than words, and therefore, he thought it was in his best interest to tell his hidden secrets with a singular action, rather than to speak them outwardly into the open air. The younger male worked up all the courage that he could possibly pull out from within himself, knowing well and good that he would need every last ounce of it in order to move his face any closer to Yuta's. Time seemed to stand still as the honey haired boy craned his neck outward, stopping just before his lips came into contact with the male that he'd' come to love so much. His warm breath fanned over the chestnut haired boy's lips, causing the senior student to be hyper-aware of his best friend's presence.

"Yuta. . . How do you feel about boys who love other boys?"

The brown haired male kept his eyes closed as he answered, his voice hitting Sicheng's ears like silken threads being spun together.

"Love. . . Is a feeling that can never be wrong," Yuta answered.

"No matter what, no matter where or when it's found. . . Love is always beautiful."

It was the very first time in his entire life that Sicheng had ever been so completely and utterly aware of his own existence. He felt warm, -not just on the outside-, but on the inside as well. Yuta's lips were soft, just like he'd always imagined them to be, and the older boy tasted like the sweetest confection known to mankind. The honey haired male was certain that he had never felt so alive, so infinite, -so completely and utterly limitless. The sky meant nothing, because the limit did not exist. The younger male reveled in the feeling of Yuta's lips and hands roaming his body freely, and he cherished the ghost of the fallen boundaries that had once been built up between them.

Cherry blossoms swirled within Sicheng's veins, dulcifying the substance that was coursing through his body. Rose petals made their way through his blood vessels, down every muscle, and straight into the center of his bones. Vines of scarlet honeysuckle twisted on his joints, wrapping around his skull, painting his irises with a love that encompassed his blown-out pupils. Skin on skin; -moans resonating throughout Yuta's bedroom like the song of a bird who'd just recently learned to fly; -a bird who'd just recently come to know what freedom truly felt like. The both of them were thankful for the absence of the chestnut haired male's parental figures in the home at the time.

That night, Sicheng felt all four seasons at once. He felt summer, winter, autumn, and spring, -and so, so much more. He watched the stars align behind his eyelids, and he created new constellations within his very own galaxy; -a galaxy that he wanted to be able to share with Nakamoto Yuta for the rest of eternity. The two males reached a new level of ecstasy, -a level that they didn't even know they could possibly latch onto in the first place.

Quick breathing, reckless gasps, sweet kisses, and passion. . .

Stardust, rose water, antimatter, and hibiscus flowers. . .

And that night, Sicheng prayed to the moon, the moon that had witnessed the two of them in skin and bones, bare feelings expressed in actions that neither of them would ever come to regret for as they as they lived. With his head resting on Yuta's bare chest, their bodies pressed together and their legs intertwined like their fated red string, Sicheng sent a wish up to the shining cosmos that begged for that very moment on that serene spring night to be the beginning of something equally as beautiful as it was.