You lived in a world where Valentine’s Day was so much more than heart-shaped chocolates, late night dinners, hugs and cheesy compliments. It was magic itself - at least for those who were lucky enough to meet their soulmates before they would have been left alone, all by themselves like stray cats down the streets. Like you, who were still childishly waiting for a stupid miracle  that could have brought him back to your life. This time, permanently.

Looking at your shaking hands, you took a deep breath then put your empty mug on the kitchen counter before your clumsy fingers could have dropped it, letting it fall into shattered, little pieces. The bitter aftertaste of his favourite coffee was still fresh on the tip of your tongue as your gaze got bored of the wooden furniture and slid back to the fridge on which you could see the mesmerizing photo collage that he had made for you for your first anniversary. His cutest masterpiece, that certain picture of you smiling and him holding you tight, was like a poisonous dagger aiming at your heart. Yet, you were too weak to even try and gather enough power in you to turn your head away, let alone threw it into the trash bin. How could you have?

You still missed him like crazy.

After you washed the coffee brown stains off the edge of the porcelain, you put the mug on the dish drainer and walked back to your bedroom just to stand in front of your wardrobe for ten long minutes in vain, unable to find your favourite shirt with tiny flower patterns that you had worn on your very first date with Seokjin. So in the end, you chose a simple, white dress, put a trace of peach lip gloss on your lips and some blusher on your cheeks that helped you look like a decent human being instead of the hollow shell that you had walked around like during the past few weeks. The first few months of the year always had their toll on you ever since that car accident that had taken your fiance away from you a week before your wedding day. Deep down you doubted that you would ever be able to move on from your grief. After all, you two had been supposed to be together forever. Yet, all you had gotten was three brief years. Not too much and definitely not enough, if anyone had asked your opinion.

Peeking out of the window, you could see greyish clouds gathering above the riverside not so far from your home thus you frowned, making a mental note that you should have shoved an umbrella into your bag just in case. Not because of your clothes, you couldn’t have cared less about your coat getting wet, but because of the fine dust in the air that could have gotten into your system and stayed there, killing you as slowly as cigarette smoke.

You spared one last glance at your prettied up reflection in the mirror, your beige coat that brushed against your knees, your black boots and the white knitted scarf around your neck, then stepped out to the hallway and closed the door behind your back. You shoved your keys into your pocket then pushed the button of the elevator, waiting for it with your arms crossed, inpatient. You could feel your phone buzzing in your bag which meant that it was already eight in the morning and that your mother still worried about you after all these years, but you didn’t have enough energy for a useless debate. You knew exactly what she was going to say. She wanted you to meet new people and stop living in the past. It was easier said than done.

Even though you had been waiting for this special day ever since you had gotten off the train at Anyang East railway station last year, you also knew how painful it was to say goodbye to Seokjin over and over again therefore a pinch of fear invaded your mind and sent a shiver down your spine as you stepped out of the elevator, blaming the slight tremble of your knees on the chilly weather. There was no way, you would miss your only chance to meet him out of uneasiness. You would have broken your heart for him any time anyway because you knew that his presence would mend all of your wounds as soon as he pulled you into his embrace. What was a little bit of pain in exchange for thirty minutes of utter happiness?

You pulled the coat tighter around your body and fixed your scarf, shutting out the cold while you were walking down the streets. As always, you passed by his favourite bakery on your way to the nearest bus stop and you hesitated whether you should have gone inside and buy another cup of hot coffee or rather kept going, marching towards the main railway station. A part of you knew that you had enough caffeine in your system already although it was mostly about the sentiment behind the action than a real need. This bakery was the place where you and Seokjin had spent your first date, munching on a French baguette for three hours without ordering anything else. You fed off his words about underrated painters, his favourite books and places he had always wanted to see with his own eyes. It had been easy to share his enthusiasm regardless of the topic because he’d had this habit of explaining everything with a bright smile on his face, beaming, and using exaggerated hand gestures. You had fallen for him too hard, too fast. But it was inevitable with soulmates, wasn’t it? 

In the end, it was the old shop assistant’s melancholic smile that made you halt. You let your fingers fall off the handle and waved at the woman through the glass door, turning your back on the bakery with a broken smile as soon as her gaze wandered to the next customer in front of the counter. How pathetic, you thought. You couldn’t enter a building because of a ghost that was too invisible to be seen. Sometimes you wished that he would have at least haunt you properly, appearing in your dreams where you could have touched him, hugged him, kissed him. But you had never once dreamed about him. His slowly fading memory let you be at night as if he had done you a stupid favour, giving you a chance to live your life to the fullest even without him being around. But you didn’t have the desire to do so. You thought that it would have made you feel even more miserable.

Deep in your thoughts, you didn’t realize how fast time flew by until you could see the bus making a halt a few metres from the bus stop and people rushing to get on it before the driver closed the front door. You acted without thinking when you strained your thighs and started to run as fast as your lungs could bear, filled up with the cool air that you breathed in. Logically speaking, you could have waited for the next one to come but you didn’t want to risk. If you had missed the train at 8:56, you would have had to wait an entire year to meet Seokjin and that was out of question.

You lifted your transportation card in front of the machine and greeted the driver with a small bow, whispering a grateful thank you under your nose as you grabbed the back of the closest seat and tried to keep your balance when the vehicle departed with a sudden tug. Your nails dug into the plastic handhold, turning your knuckles alabaster during each one of the driver’s sharp turns. You could feel random chests fitting close to your back and both your arms, strangers forming human-sized sandwiches in the crowd with you being the bread. It was suffocating to say the least but it wasn’t entirely unfamiliar. The morning and afternoon buses were usually full of people who were about to go to work or back home.

While you were looking out of the window, counting in your head, trying to stay calm, you thought about that certain day when you and your soulmate had first met on the morning train from the capital city to Anyang. It was in late June six years ago when you had been still a literature sophomore in university but he had already finished with his studies and had been about to visit his parents after a successful job interview. That morning, when you had headed to the station in your favourite shirt and a pair of pretty denim jeans, you remembered cursing quietly because of the mass. Funny, how you still couldn’t have gotten used to the morning rush even though you had moved to Seoul almost a decade ago. In your heart, you were still just another simple girl from the countryside. Someone who was particularly bad at adjusting to changes.

There were only three stops separating you from your destination but you were already on the verge of fainting, your heart beating overtime due to the inconvenient lack of oxygen and the excitement that ran through your veins whenever you thought about seeing him again. You couldn’t wait to nuzzle up to his broad shoulder, breathing in his characteristic smell that had always reminded you of a mixture of freshly cut grass and summer downpours. He had been truly everything that you could have called your home.

Once your feet touched the ground and you were yet again able to move your limbs properly, you rushed towards the right platform with your chin held up high, confident in every strike of your steps. At this point, you were sure that even with a thick fabric in front of your eyes, you could have found the 8:56 train that would take you to Anyang. If anything had changed during the past few years then it was the fact that you were nothing like that lost girl in her first year of university who had almost missed her train back to her parents’ home after she had successfully finished her first exam period at Yonsei. Back then you’d serious problems with finding the second platform even though it had been right before your eyes while now the direction was planted in the back of your mind. You cracked a lopsided but genuine smile at the memory.

You walked to the second wagon from the front and got on the train through the second door as always, making yourself comfortable by the window. You had bought two tickets online to make sure that no one would disturb your reunion therefore you put your bag on the one on your left that was still unoccupied. You knew the exact scenario of your get-together by heart, you knew that everything was going to happen the very same way it had happened during your first encounter with the boy so you weren’t afraid that he wouldn’t show up just because he wasn’t there when the train departed. He was supposed to ask whether he could sit down across you not long after it stopped at the first station. You still had time.

You got rid of your beige coat then stuffed your knitted scarf into one of its sleeves before you hung it by the window, near your head. You then fixed your gaze on the scenery and marvelled at the world that once again seemed absolutely breathtaking in your eyes as if Seokjin’s approaching presence had helped you see the tiniest wonders in life. Maybe, that was what people called happiness. This pink bubble that your other half laid on your broken figure when you felt sad and desperate.

It was as if you had been watching a movie that you were already familiar with. He cleared his throat then asked for your permission with a cheeky smile, making himself comfortable on your left regardless of the empty seats all around you. The wagon was literally half-empty with less than a dozen people in it including the both of you. You didn’t mind it though, you liked the tranquility of the atmosphere. It stole a little bit of the present world into your past.

Because if anything then Seokjin’s appearance made it sure to scream the truth at your face. He looked younger than you, just as young as he had been on that fateful day when you two had found out that you were meant to be, and his hair was drained, his dark locks sticking to his forehead in a way that was still able to take your breath away. He also wore a navy tee and a light brown pair of trousers, reminding you of the fact that you had actually met in summer and not in the chilly February. The illusion bit into your flesh and chewed on your skin. God, you could already feel the first teardrops in the corner of your eyes although you smiled. You claimed that you were happy because he was there and you had missed him like crazy. 

‘How have you been lately, my love? I hope you didn’t miss me that much,’ he said casually, brushing his upper arm against your shoulder on purpose, smile so bright that it could easily beat the Sun. You snapped your head at him, observing his features from up close, trying to memorize the shape of his nose, the exact shade of his eyes and the curves of his kissable lips that had once marked you so possessively on the night you two had finally moved together that you had to cover it with lame scarfs, turtlenecks or foundation during your first week of working as a rookie Literature teacher in the neighbourhood high school. You remembered how carefully he had tried to calm you down when you had freaked out in the middle of your bathroom. He had made you green tea and toast for breakfast.

‘What if I did?’ you asked back with more intensity than you had intended to but well, you had indeed missed him to such an extent that your thoughts had soon started to circle around his memory, invading your everyday life. Whenever you walked into your kitchen, you felt the urge to drink a mug of coffee even though you had never been fond of the bitter aftertaste of his favourite expresso. Before you opened and right after you closed the fridge, you always took your time with the photo collage he had made especially for you. And there wasn’t a day when you didn’t stop at the bakery, trying to make yourself cross its threshold. So far, you’d failed every attempt but you were certain that one day you would be able to taste that French baguette once again.

‘It would mean that you broke your promise. Remember?’ Seokjin asked, determined, when the ugly frown, that had been triggered by your question, finally faded from his face. But if he wanted you to lie, he hadn’t known you well enough. You were more like the type who avoided the conversation as long as she could instead of comforting the other party with words they wanted to hear. All or nothing but never in-between.

You shook your head.

‘How could I ever forget? You told me that you’re not going to come back to me next time if I keep holding onto your memory,’ you spoke up, letting out a breathless whine when you got to the end of your rhetorical questions. They were absolutely useless though. There was no way either of you had forgotten last year’s conversation when you had fighted over the blind dates you had constantly refused to attend. You couldn’t have believed him and he had called you stubborn and outright stupid which had left you with a stinging pain in your chest. He tried to make you promise that you would give a chance to other men but he had disappeared before you could have rejected the deal. Technically speaking, you hadn’t promised anything.

‘So?’ he raised a brow, leaning a tad bit closer. You could feel his warm breath fanning over your neck.

‘You sound like my mom,’ you said and even though you had meant it as an insult, Seokjin’s carefree laughter filled the air, melting your building up frustration before it could’ve turned into anger. He was the water to your explosive sparkle and you loved it how easily he handled even the slightest changes in your mood.

You leaned your head against his arm with a content smile and closed your eyes to preserve the momentary peace.

‘She’s a very wise woman. And she loves you dearly,’ he mumbled matter-of-factly, his long fingers sliding in-between your shorter ones. Your hands were resting in your lap and you let out a sigh at the familiar sight. Deep down you knew that he was right but a part of you didn’t want to accept that it was time for you to move on with your life. If not entirely then at least a little. Because you daydreaming about him whenever your lungs had gotten filled up with fresh air wasn’t healthy at all nor calling for his name on sleepless nights when you knew that he wouldn’t answer. ‘The same way I do, Mrs. Kim.’

As if he could sense that you would be furious, he drew indecipherable patterns on your skin with his thumb but this time it simply wasn’t enough. Your whole body became stiff hearing upon the nickname and you pulled away, breaking yourself free from his clumsy embrace. Your eyes were burning with anger when you looked at him. He had crossed a line. And he had done it intentionally so that he could rub you on the wrong side. Your palms were itching for a slap but your arms were too weak to reach out to him. Instead, you let your hands fall into your lap and your gaze follow their way.

‘You know damn well that I’m not Mrs. Kim. It’s not funny,’ you said quietly, in a voice that was somewhere between sad and scolding. Only if he hadn’t gotten into his car that morning so hastily just to surprise you with those stupid cupcakes that you had been talking about ever since you two had ordered your wedding cake. Then maybe, you two could’ve had your own family by now, little girls and boys making your life much noisier and unpredictable. Not that your days wouldn’t have resembled a rollercoaster by Seokjin’s side thanks to his personality. He was the most extra human being you had ever encountered, humble and playfully egoistic at the very same time. You would have been the happiest to take his name, linking your life to his until death did you apart. And even in the afterlife.

Seokjin’s thumb grazed along your jawline before it reached your chin and stopped. His voice was soothing, raspy when he tapped your soft skin to gain your attention.

‘Then stop acting like an eighty-year-old widow, would you?’ he asked, his dark eyes boring into your teary ones. You could feel your lips tremble a bit and your throat closing up because of the knot that made it impossible for you to speak.

You turned your head away, your back fitting close to your coat but he reached out for you and took your face into his hands, asking you gently to pay attention, to try to understand his point of you as well instead of acting like an ostrich and digging your head into the sand.

‘Look. You know that I love you still, don’t you? And I’m so happy that I have the chance to see you at least once in each year but I really meant what I said. I’ll stop coming if it keeps you in the past,’ he whispered, forming every single one of his words with care as if he had been scared that even a minor mistake, a wrongly phrased sentence could have pushed you away. You weren’t sure that he wasn’t right.

‘I…’

You hated the uncertainty in your voice. You hated that you still couldn’t decide what to say. A part of you wanted to convince him that you were content with your current life and that he shouldn’t have worried but even a blind man could have seen that something had broken inside of you. Ever since that day when your soulmate had died, you couldn’t find you way back to the surface. You stuck below the ground, in a lifeless well, your body slowly dissolving in the cold that consumed your limbs, your chest, your heart. It painted your cherry lips lilac, mauve and mulberry.

‘You can still be happy,’ he whispered when you finally looked at him from under your dark lashes and the tender sparkles in his eyes took your breath away. For a second, you believed him. ‘You don’t need me to have a family, to have a home, to have those mischieves kids we were always talking about,’ he kept going with an affectionate smile as his fingers wandered upward, caressing the fair skin of your cheek lovingly.

‘But how could I…’ you mumbled although your biggest fear remained unsaid. How could have you possibly forced it through your teeth that you were actually afraid of turning your back on him? Because what if you granted his wish and you found someone new, someone who might haven’t been born for you but could make you happy to an extent like it happened with so many other people who couldn’t find their significant others? There was no way that you could have come back to this train, to him on every Valentine’s Day with a husband and kids waiting for you at home. Wouldn’t that have been a bit to cruel from you? Longing for another in a relationship, in marriage? You couldn’t have had both.

‘You don’t. Even if you stop coming back to this place once you find another man who loves you, I promise, I’ll wait for you always. And I’ll be happy because I’ll know that you’re once again able to smile genuinely,’ he said and even though you shouldn’t have been surprised, you were taken aback by the fact that how much he knew you still.

You cracked a stupid smile but there were tears in your eyes. They fell and ran down your cheeks when you blinked. They were warm but the straight lines that they had left behind felt cold. They tasted salty when a few of them got into your mouth.

‘It’s genuine,’ you claimed and your heart broke when he shook his head in disapproval. He knew that you were lying. Everyone around you could see it except for you.

He sighed and opened his arms.

‘Come here,’ he said as he tilted his head, nagging you to nuzzle close to his chest and knowing that only a few stops remained before he needed to go, you couldn’t resist his offer. So you smiled at him then leaned closer, breathing in his characteristic scent while he your upper arm with his fingertips. You tried not to think about the fact that you couldn’t hear his heartbeats, that regardless of the magic trick, he was still, very much dead. ‘Tell me about your day. You didn’t argue with your mom, did you?’ he asked when you found a comfortable position and he could finally rest his chin atop your head.

You told him that you hadn’t picked up the phone when your mother had tried to call you an hour prior but hearing his scolding groan you promised him that you would be less hard on her when you get off the train and share your traditional, early lunch with her on the station. You knew that you wouldn’t have enough energy to bear with her for a whole day but maybe you two could have looked around in the city before you headed back to Seoul. You didn’t have fixed plans for the afternoon if you didn’t count those analytical essays about European poetry that were waiting for you to correct them within the given, two-week-long time period that would end on Friday. So technically speaking, if you were willing enough, you had time.

You also told him about the kids in your classes, the birthday party that your friends had thrown you in secret last year and dozens of other things such as your current favourite book, your improving cooking skills and indoor rock climbing, your newest hobby. Seokjin failed to hide his terror when you mentioned the latter. His exaggerated reaction was priceless.

‘It’s my stop,’ he whispered when the artificial voice announced the next station and your body became tense in his embrace when the realization hit you. It was time for you two to say goodbye.

‘I wish you wouldn’t have to go,’ you mumbled before you took a deep breath and straightened your back, turning towards the man whose eyes were teary regardless of the bravado he had pulled off when he had tried to convince you that he would be okay without you coming back to the place where you had first met. He was so predictable, acting all tough on the outside when he was just as scared of you forgetting about him as you were.

‘Me too,’ he frowned, his gaze observing you as if he had wanted to remember even the tiniest details for example the faint shade of crimson around your eyes or the white nail polish on your fingers. ‘But sadly, life doesn’t work like that.’

You couldn’t argue so instead you took his face into your trembling hands and leaned closer, close enough for your lips to brush against his cheek that became colder with every passing second that drifted you closer to his last.

‘I…’ you started but your voice was too weak to be heard. You needed to clear your throat and give it another try while your fingers fondled his slowly fading skin. Your tears were burning your cheeks. ‘I’ll live well. I promise,’ you breathed with a knot in your throat.

‘Good,’ Seokjin nodded before he made the distance between your lips disappear, planting his mouth on yours. When your palm slid on his nape, you could feel the first tears falling from his eyes and it killed you, the fact that his heart was just as broken as yours and that you couldn’t do anything to make it easier for him.

When you opened your eyes, he wasn’t there anymore but it was something that you had expected because at the moment, the train’s doors had closed, the light weight of his arms had disappeared along with the soft touch of his lips. You were alone and at this point, there was no magic trick that could have brought him back. After all, you lived in a world where the invincible power of love was nothing but cheap illusion. Sometimes it did more damage than good.

You wiped off your tears and put on your coat. Five minutes later the train stopped again and you got off it with a fake smile but a less heavy chest. You weren’t happy but you weren’t devastated either. It was a small process but at least you still kept going. 

You walked toward the inside of the building where your mother had been waiting for you. She didn’t asked about your journey, she knew better than to make such an amatour mistake, just pulled you close and fondled your back. Standing in the middle of the station, you thought about all those things that you had lost then recalled a few that you still had then pulled away. For the first time in the last few years, you managed to finish your lunch without crying. Seokjin would have been proud.

 

the end.