Years ago...

You were staring at me with twinkling eyes
You were staring at me so pure and no lies
You were smiling perfectly in front of me
You were smiling differently that only I can see
Every time.

We had this night bond with friends
We were drinking and drinking until the night ends
We were chatting about anything including your ex
We were laughing like there's no time for next
Every time.

You started texting me day and night
You started caring like you don't want me out of your sight
You texted me and asked if I went home safe and sound
You called when you thought my phone was lost and my heart turn around
Every time.

On a day off we took time to see each other
Even it means a friend to bother
On a day off I love preparing and cooking food
Even if the taste is bad, you always said it's good
Every time.

Now...

You're staring at me normal  than the rest
You're staring at me unsure like we're in a test
You're smiling perfectly but not to me
You're smiling perfectly where everyone can see
Every time.

Night bonds before never happened again
Drinking after a few never followed then
Chatting alone feels an interrogation
Laughing seems awkward like there were never any situation
Every time.

Endless texts come to an end
Cares starts to fade with a role to pretend
Questions of going home safe stopped
Unexpected calls dropped
Every time.

Day off is the hardest time to deal now
Day off means a day alone but how?
No more food to prepare and cook
No more comments from you to look
Every time.

All those fairy tales I thought were forever
That sweetness I thought you could be my lover
I always ask what just happened?
I always question how could this be the end?
Every time.

If you could just tell me the reason why?
But please don't say everything was a lie.
If you could just talk to me the same as before
Maybe we could figure out and free this sadness I wore

I like you, I always do L
I care for you and that won't change L.
But if letting go means pain will heal
I'll do it even if I love you still.

When I close the book I see how everyone stayed quiet, I know they are still processing everything from the happiest beginning to its sad ending. Today's my third book launching for another set of my poems. The one I read earlier, Every time, was the longest poem I've ever made, it's like making a detailed story inside the limited world of the poem. I tried catching each one's eyes to see if they like it as much as how I put my heart while writing it.

"Yes? You're raising your hand sir?" Few reporters were invited for this small book event to give a short review of my book.

"These past years all your books were all about hope, love, and life but that piece is a bit different from all your works before Mr. Byun."

I know many will ask and get curios why I included a sad poem inside my book's happy world. "It's sad and long, right? Very unusual huh?"

This is it Byun Baekhyun, take a deep breath first and smile...

"Many were asking what was the story behind all the happy thoughts I'm sharing with people. I guess everyone can't be happy if they never experienced a sad story behind it right? Well, "Every time" is a scattered piece of myself and I want to share it with you because I want to build the broken piece of me and I want you all to be part of it."

"May we know how you come up with the title "Every time?"

They're getting to the topic self, can you still handle it? Hang on there...

"Well, "Every time" means moving a step forward and two steps backward. These past few years since I started creating inspirational poems, all those became my alternate universe. All those words from my first two books were all about the world I wanted to see myself in, hoping one day I can be part of the world where there's no pain and sadness."

"Sorry for intruding, are you still hurt? It's okay if you don't want to answer it."

Who is this guy? All three questions came from him straight. His ID says Sehun...

"It's fine Sehun. I would be a hypocrite author if I'll say I am not anymore. But I know I'm getting there, almost...I am almost fine..."

Smile self...give them comfort through your smile...

"Mr. Byun, how can you be totally healed? I mean, healing oneself means how willing are you to go there right?"

"Yes, you are right Jinri. We can't be healed unless we are still holding something important from our past. I too hold grudges, and behind those pain, I only have one question playing inside my head that holds me back whenever I want to move forward. The question of "why?". If he could just tell me why?"

Finally, it's time for the book signing. I can't believe a lot of people came today, this is crazy. It's like a dream come true!

It was our dream before, him standing beside me as my ultimate supporter and guide all my readers where to go. We were happy at that time then. We never had a major problem or even an issue aside from his parents not in favor with me and to him not fully accepted by them being gay. We were trying to cool the issue down by building our own life with each other, together. My life revolves around him, ever since it was like me and him against the world. The reason why I can't ing move on is that there was never any reason for us to get mad with each other, we were once perfect.

I honestly don't know what happened, I was on a whole week trip that time for a writing workshop. I never thought after that week when I was all excited to go home, to hug, kiss and make love to him were going to be the most painful day of my life. There was no Park Chanyeol anymore. It all explains why there are no messages from him those days I was away, no text messages anymore because he left a note. One last note that my heart into so much pain...

Let's end this...

"Name please?"

"Park Chanyeol"

 I swear to all gods I am freezing right now, Park Chanyeol he said? He isn't my once Park Chanyeol, right? But his voice, his husky voice, and that scent. It all reminds me of how I hugged him so tight so that his smell will stay on my shirt. I swear I don't wanna raise my head and look at him, I don't wanna be right...

"Are you alright? You're freezing"

Oh Crap! Why did I raise my head? It's freaking Chanyeol! My Chanyeol!

"I'm sorry, did I do something wrong? Why are you crying, Mr. Byun? Here's my handkerchief please use it."

"Park Ch-chanyeol? Ch-channie?"

"How'd you know my nickname? Have we met before? I'm sorry I am still suffering from amnesia, I got into an accident three years ago. Do we know each other back then?"

Is that the answer am I searching for all this time? Is that the answer to my "why?".
 

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