It was April fools, that meant it was the time to be completely honest but not worry about its consequences because no one would believe you, right? That was how it went, others expressed the day through pranks in the form of Juyeon and surprisingly, Hyunjung. Sojung tries and fails with unfunny jokes, they made you laugh but you’d never admit it out loud. Because you didn’t like honesty, it made you too vulnerable. A bunch of bull, you knew that too.

That was how it was supposed to go.

“It’s April fools, do you have anything to confess?” You ask in your usual teasing tone, Luda was used to it. It was light, not in any way serious, because April fools. You don’t know how many times you had to remind yourself that.

Luda looks at you with an unreadable expression. “Wanna be mine?”

“Uhh, what?” Comes out instead, unknowingly trying to stifle a blush. A nervous giggle.

The puppy-like girl faces you fully complete with that smirk that was both frustrating and ridiculously attractive. “Wasn’t this what you wanted to hear? Stuff like this, want to date me?”

“Isn’t that what your heart wanted to say for real?” You answer back because you were a professional. No one was going to beat you at teasing, you weren’t Kim Bully for no reason.

So it was unsettling that Luda just smiled and slowly backed down. Why didn’t it feel like a win at all? You tried saving the conversation instead. “No, not that kind of confession!” And just like that, everything was back to normal.

The truth, Luda wasn’t joking.

Another truth, you couldn’t handle honesty.

--

It’s been days after, weeks even. But you still couldn’t keep the memory away. Not that it affected your relationship with the younger girl. Nothing could change that, she was your Lu-pup, always. The girl that probably held a lot more of your heart than you wanted to give. Too bad it wasn’t your decision to make anymore.

What’s even more frustrating, was how nothing seems to have changed with Luda. Like she didn’t dump a whole confession right in front of you and everyone else to see.

“Did she mean it?” You mumble with your mouth filled with extra spicy teokboki. The spiciness offering you a different sort of distraction.

“Do you really want to know though?” Juyeon replies while fishing for a strip of melted cheese, the only other member who could handle your spicy cravings. And someone who was as close to the girl who was currently stuck in your thoughts 24/7 now.

“I don’t know,” you place your chopsticks back on the table with a sigh. “I think I know the answer, what’s real and not real.”

“And that’s what unsettles you.” Juyeon says matter-of-factly.

It wasn’t a secret how you masked yourself, a Kyungsan-do grown unnie, you’d reason. But what you tried to hide, was how all those principles were broken because of twelve girls. Maybe it wasn’t much of a secret to the girls anymore, but more for yourself.

The hardest for you? Yeah, honesty, especially with your own feelings.

--

People say you smile the most with Luda. It was supposed to be a good thing, right? What they didn’t know, was how scary it actually was. How you unknowingly let your walls down and let one girl see through you. It’s not something you were accustomed to. Not something you asked for.

“You’re not a good liar Jiyeon-ah.” The person you least expected to hear that from says beside you.

“I thought you were asleep.” Hyunjung gives a small smile before sharing her blanket with you, her eyes still closed. You accept it graciously, it was still cold inside the van as you two waited for your turns for the shoot.

“I could hear how loud your thoughts were.” She says simply, that was the thing with Hyunjung, always on point. Maybe that was how you two were similar.

“Am I that obvious?”

“I think we all like to think that we can hide ourselves from everyone but knowing each other for years, I think we’re way past that thought process.”

She was right, but it was still okay to think so right? Call it fooling your brain, the more you think of it as the truth, it becomes the only truth right?

“I don’t think it works that way Jiyeonie.” Hyunjung chuckles softly beside you. It makes you want to punch her arm, but that wasn’t like you and Hyunjung.

“So you can read minds now.”

“No, but I know you. Just like how you probably doubted everything about Luda.” She knew exactly how you felt, she knew you the longest after all. Something about it defeats how emotionally unavailable you two act with each other. It wasn’t like that at all, it was more of a quiet support.

“I’m not brave.”

“Is that the truth you convinced yourself to believe?” You squirm and stop yourself from biting the older girl’s shoulder.

“Stop calling me out.”

“Someone had to do it.”

Not that she wasn’t right, but you needed a lot of time to get ready, to believe it yourself. That time wasn’t now. You turn away and pull the blanket leaving Hyunjung with no cover from the stale frozen air. She pouts complete with a whine and that was enough for you to share the blanket all over again.

Not that it was yours to begin with.

--

You should have been prepared for this, you were but also not. It made sense in your head but not for Luda. It was inevitable, Luda wasn’t one for patience. Nothing could have stopped her from cornering you, waited too long, she reasons.

“I’m not good at this.” You try not to stare too long at Luda’s lips, she was too close. Your throat tightens.

“You’re not, but that’s not what’s stopping you is it?” She stops advancing and you don’t know if that’s what you wanted (it’s not.)

There’s a pause. You don’t give an answer, you can’t, you don’t want to.

“I want to.” Your mouth says instead. Nothing you say makes sense but it doesn’t stop you from closing the imaginary distance between you and Luda.

You kiss her with all the words you couldn’t say. It was impulsive, nothing like you. Maybe that was why Luda kisses back, opens and welcomes you. Everything about it was soft, clumsy in nature though it was far from your first kiss.

But this was Luda you were kissing. Not just a random actor you were forced to have chemistry with. This was the girl who filled your days with floral scents, made you feel warm and hey maybe the world wasn’t so bad after all. Maybe your feelings could matter in the end of everything.

“Was this the honesty you were asking for?” You ask at the end of the kiss, Luda’s breath close to your neck.

“It’s all I wanted.” Another smirk. “You’re getting better at this unnie.”

“Shut up.” You say bumping your forehead with hers, you’re smiling.

It wasn’t as scary as you thought, the truth. But it wasn’t like how they showed it in movies. That feeling of liberation, it wasn’t anything like that. Instead it was a vision of clarity, a complete 20/20. It was simple just like what Hyunjung said.

--

You were far from being honest with yourself but that was okay. Luda knows and understands, it was why she did the first move, she admits.

“It would have taken you forever if I let you handled it.”

“I know.” You brush away the stray bangs on her face, behind her ear. It felt intimate somehow. “But you’re patient with me.”

Luda curls into you on the couch, leaning her head on the junction of your jaw and neck. “I’m not, you know that.” A small peck on your neck.

“But you try to be.”

“Only with you, for you.”

And that was what mattered again. The things that you two did for each other. Everything was new but familiar at the same time. It was the reason you weren’t running away. Even though it hurt your pride to admit the truth to yourself.

If you could write a love song like Sojung or Dawon, it would sound like this. Your heart beating against your chest, Luda able to hear it clearly. She’d tease you, but deep down it was what kept her by your side. What you couldn’t say, she could hear herself.

You’d say you two would need to talk about it. Luda just giving a lazy smile in response. “We don’t need to call this anything yet unnie. We can take our time.” You truly, whole-heartedly appreciated this girl.

“I’m not good at taking care of other people.” You blurt out more reasons why you were a bad idea.

“You are. You just like to hide it and tell yourself you’re cool that way.” You huff and pinch Luda’s teeny belly fat, if you could even call it that.

“You care too much unnie. Maybe that’s the first truth you should accept.”

“Yah! One thing at a time!” Luda laughs and you find your own laughter starting to bubble as well. “You are insufferable.”

“You like me anyway.”

It was more than that. You wanted to say, but no one was ready for that just yet.

Truth, Jiyeon can’t handle honesty.

Another truth, so does Luda.

But none of that was enough to stop whatever was happening anyway. Not for Jiyeon’s silent love song. Something only Luda could hear.