I watch the sun slowly peak through the horizon.

 

It’s early in the morning and I am feeling nostalgic despite the wild events that happened just hours ago in my bachelorette party.

 

 

 

Despite how many times I’ve said No; my friends still arranged one for me. As much as they keep on insisting that I need to relax and get wild before I finally tie the knot, I know this is also for them because they have also been very busy with their work and they just needed an excuse to take a break and party from dusk till dawn.

 

 

 

Nevertheless, I am happy they ignored my opinion on this one because I really enjoyed it.

 

 

 

I never knew I needed it until I had it.

 

 

 

I look over my back and digest the scene in front of me. The whole place is a mess.

 

Sana is sleeping in the couch, wasted.

 

Momo is, not surprisingly, sleeping in the kitchen table. Spread like a buffet.

 

 

 

I walk over the hotel room’s balcony to enjoy the beautiful scenery unfolding before my eyes.

 

 

The view is spectacular.

The sun is almost out marking the beginning of a new day.

 

 

The air is cold but I feel warm. 

 

 

I am happy to be alive and witness this beautiful scene with my eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

It is breathtakingly beautiful.

 

 

 

 

 

I close my eyes and tighten the grip on my coffee feeling its warmness against my skin.

 

I feel a sudden tug in my heart as I stare down at it.

 

It has been long since the last time I checked what’s down there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I stopped checking for writings.

 

I stopped thinking about her.

 

I stopped letting my mind wander and get lost with thoughts of her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It doesn’t matter anymore because whatever we shared is gone; because it was destined to be gone from the minute is started.

 

 

 

 

 

I stare at my coffee as its warmness seep through my skin.

 

I stare at it for long and memories come rushing through me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am a quiet person but my mind is a loud one.

 

I think, a lot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I often think how free will is nothing but an illusion to make us feel that we are in control. 

 

 

I like to believe that our lives are predetermined and we are where we are meant to be.

 

 

But as a human, we are constantly bugged by the thought of: What if we have done it differently?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s interesting how a slight change from how we have done things could completely alter the course of our life, maybe forever.

 

I have met people who badly want to go back in time and change things.

 

 

They are usually the unhappy ones because they are still stuck in their past: past mistakes and past lovers.

 

 

 

 

I was once like them, too.

But I learned to move on.

 

 

 

 

I came to realize that there is nothing I can do about it and there is more to my life to look forward to.

 

 

Eventually I learned to let go of the things I can no longer change.

 

 

To let go of the people I can no longer have.

 

 

 

 

But as much as I say these things, I am still human and sometimes I let my thoughts get the best of me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The moment I think of her, my mind instantly chants my deepest what if’s

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What if I cared?

 

What if I asked?

 

What if I confronted her about the writings?

 

Would I still be where I am today?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes.

 

 

 

 

 

Of course I would be.

 

 

 

 

Because even if I confronted her and let’s say we got along and dated, I am certain we wouldn’t have made it all this way.

 

 

 

 

We would’ve broken up.

 

 

 

 

 

And I would still end up with Jeongyeon.

 

 

 

 

 

Detours.

 

 

 

 

 

Life is like a pathway and our what ifs are the detours.

No matter which path you take, no matter how many detours you have, you will still get where you are destined to be headed.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

She is the detour I didn’t take.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The detour that even if I took would still bring me to my fiancé, Jeongyeon.

 

 

 

I don’t regret anything.

I am happy how things turned out to be.

I am happy how I turned out to be.

 

 

A lot of my experiences molded me into the woman I am today.

 

 

And she’s one of those experiences.

The one that got away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I learned a lot of things about myself after what happened.

 

 

After that, whenever I had a crush on someone, I show it to them.

I make them feel it too.

I do something. 

 

 

You have to walk the talk.

 

 

Words are great but sometimes they lack sensation.

 

Especially the ones I want the recipient to feel.

 

 

 

 

Admiration.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Surprisingly, it went great for me because I am about to marry one of those crushes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When people come into our lives, they either take something with them or we take something from them.

 

I am glad she came into my life because I learned something from her. She made me better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Mina.”

 

 

“Let me guess, your wish you never opened that 6^th bottle of vodka.”

 

 

I did not notice the time.

I must have looked drunk staring at my coffee.

The sun is now shining brightly and I can hear the distant noise of the early morning traffic below. 

 

 

 

“Could you please be a dear and pick up your goddamn phone on the couch. It’s been ringing for ages and it’s not helping my headache, Myoui.”

 

 

“Who’s calling?”

 

 

“Jesus Christ, Mina. It’s your fiancé. Please, just pick it up.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

I let it ring for the nth time hoping the noise would annoy and wake the rest of the guest from their slumber.

 

 

 

 

 

I shift my attention back to my coffee.

It has lost its warmth.

It’s just as cold as the stares Sana is giving me right now for not answering my phone.

 

 

 

 

The sun shines to mark the beginning of a new day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In two weeks I am about to start a new chapter in my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But before that I want to close this chapter of my life right here, right now.

 

 

 

I want to end it by formally bidding goodbye to the one that got away.

 

 

 

I empty the cup despite being cold and bitter. I flip it and start writing on its bottom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Mina, stop that.”

 

 

 

 

I’m almost done.

 

 

 

 

“Mina, what the hell are you doing?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I look at her with the most unreadable expression.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’m just saying goodbye.”