"You can't ask me to say yes again," Hyukjae said, voice so low, broken and sorrowful, much more pained than the way his eyes filled with tears, looking to his supposedly husband.

"I have to, Hyuk. I can't sleep in this bed in peace when I know people are out there hurting," Donghae said, equally sad and pleading.

"Do you think I'm not hurting? You think I don't know what you're trying to do? You're not in peace not because people are hurting, you're strained to breathe because I'm here," Hyukjae sobbed for the first tears to roll down, hugging himself to keep Donghae away but also to make him stay. Even though he knows, it was in vain, Donghae would still go.

"I have to go, please Hyuk," he pleaded again, sliding down to his knees to hold onto Hyukjae's legs, "you can't make me leave without your blessing."

"Then don't go," Hyukjae whispered, "even if I say no, you would still go, you don't care about me. I can't say yes now, no, not when there's a war out there and there's a chance of only your name coming back to me. No, you can't do this to me."

"I care about you, Hyuk. But I-"

"I won't say anything more," Hyukjae finalized, turning around to give his back to Donghae, not willing to argue any longer. "No matter what you say, you won't get my blessing to go. Just go, be the egoistic person that you are."

Donghae knows that he is, but he can't sleep at nights being there in that house, flashes of blood and tears haunting his mind, he can only hope that his husband, Hyukjae, would someday understand it. "I'm only going there as a volunteer, so I'll be safe... I'll come back home, to you."

Just like he had said, Hyukjae say nothing and so, Donghae went to fly to another country without his blessings. The older always was reluctant to let him go, but he'll succumbed to Donghae's pleading and let him go with prayers and wishes for him to come back safe and well. Not this time. And maybe, Donghae should have listened to him, he always fail to notice that Hyukjae's gut feelings are mostly spot on.

Because not even a month after his departure, Hyukjae and family have to watch the news about some volunteers being held captive as hostages, amongst them was Donghae's name. Again, Hyukjae was hit with another gut feeling, but he refused to acknowledge it and hoped Donghae is alright, that he'll come home like usually and the news was only misinformation.

There had been many calls, of them reaching out to the site asking for Donghae's well being, and of reporters and journalists alike contacting them. Donghae's whereabouts are unknown like the other hostages, even when the people there try to make an exchange, there was no feedback to their proposals. A week later, Hyukjae, families and friends alike, being hit with horror when they watched the news informing them that the volunteers had died on duties. Donghae was gone.

Hyukjae was grieving, he mourns for the lost of his love, his husband, his best friend, his everything. It feels worse to see the empty coffin, filled only with a portrait of smiling Donghae and many flowers laid to rest there. He feels hollow, standing there on the fresh ground looking at the gaping earth to embrace whatever it was that left of his husband. Nothing.

It feels unreal, feels like nothing more than nightmare on the run, he couldn't believe it, there was even a small smile on his lips when some people came to offer him condolences. Because he can't believe it that Donghae is really gone, it's not real. But when the first soil touched the empty coffin, creating a hollowing sound straight to his soul, Hyukjae fell to his knees and cried, heart bleeding and dying. Tears wetting the ground and fingers harrowing on the soil which the men are trying to bury Donghae with. He screamed, pleading and begging for them not to pour anymore soil, because he's not dead, Donghae is not yet dead, he refused to believe it.

Some of their friends cried as they turned away from the gruesome sight, some of them crying while holding Hyukjae and begging him to stop, to let go, to be strong. What is being strong? Why he have to be strong? Donghae is not there, why would he? He's not dead, why people are burying him? Nothing make sense for Hyukjae as he keep trying to dug out the soil above the coffin, to save what was an empty coffin, what was never there and hallucinations haunting his lucid dream. It took seven men to stop Hyukjae and dragged him away from the funeral. The last act of mercy for Hyukjae not to witness reality and be with his wishful thoughts that Donghae will someday come back to him. Cruel, but they don't know any other way which could soothe his broken heart.

He stop living after that. Days spent crying and staring at nothing with hollow eyes, seeing images of past life where he was so happy with his husband. When they're living in their beach house, have late night swimming and laughing together at the risk of endangering their well beings, when they gathered together with families and sharing stories and smiles. Hyukjae didn't eat, didn't drink, only allowing something to fill his stomach when his family or friends told him to take care of himself because that's what Donghae would have wanted of him.

But relief never visited them because everytime Hyukjae is done taking care of himself, he would ask, "when Donghae is coming back?"

They couldn't answer, couldn't say anything and leave Hyukjae to cradle the fragile glass of dreams to have back what he had lost. No amount of tears that family and friends had shed are enough to make Hyukjae see reality, no matter how hard they tried to tell him again and again, the only thing which will passed his lips is only that one question. Nothing works. Hyukjae stayed with Donghae's parents in Seoul, even though for many times his own parents came to visit to bring him home with them, he always refused every each time.

It doesn't make it better that Donghae's parents too, are unwilling to let Hyukjae go, as if the presence of the broken man can comfort the lost of their son. As if they're scratching at their bleeding wound to feel alive, destroying them more in the process. The TV in their humble home is unplugged, because Hyukjae would went hysterical when he sees it, because deep down he knows, he's just refusing to accept it, to face it. He's terrified to see the screen carrying Donghae's name again.

Until one day, everything stops. Hyukjae eat, drink, sleep and living normally, no more asking when Donghae will come back. No more Donghae. And right away, his parents get him back from the clutches of Donghae's broken parents. Nothing was right, but at least they're living in the believed pretenses that they are. And like everything, answers are due when the time comes.

The news was filled with the recent huge scandals involving corruption in the country, pushing down other news into short coverage and little floating words at the bottom of TV screen. Anybody could missed it if they weren't attentive enough, and missed it they did. Because a little bit more than half a year after the funeral, Donghae comes back, intact and alive, only bringing trauma and nightmares in his cradles.

The people from ambassador drive him home in their black sedan, asking him where he wants to go. He missed his family terribly, missed his parents like no other, but he's also wishing for Hyukjae's strong arms to embrace him, to tell him that he's home, that everything is alright and he's safe now. The first thing he remembers is the house by the beach in Goheung, where the soft scent of Hyukjae's sweet tea lingers in the air, the smell of their bodies on the bed and everything in the house, of the ghost of their echoing laughter.

Somehow, he knows the house must be empty right by now, his husband must have stayed with his parents after all what happened, because he knew Hyukjae can't deal being alone when he's hurting or sad. So he told the men to bring him to Hyukjae's parents house, where he hoped to find solace to end his misery. He watch the scenery changing outside the car window, seeing the city he had missed like he left it forever, feeling as if the dream are not the nightmare he had lived in few months ago, but the present where home and peace are near.

By fate, although it's uncertain whether it's fortunate or bad luck, Donghae sees a man walking by the side road with a small plastic bag in his hand. The man he's been longing to see, his husband, his love. Reflexively he shouted to stop the car, "stop! Let me get off here!"

"Are you sure?" came the question along with the car being put into a halt. Donghae spare no more mind than a short, hurried thank you, practically jumping out the car to run to the man.

"Hyuk! Hyukjae, Hyuk!" he called overwhelmingly with relief washing all over him, leaping over the last few steps to embrace the man tightly, tears wait for no time to spill and wetting the black hair on his cheeks, chanting unstopping in indescribable sense of clarity, "thank god, oh god, I missed you, I love you, I love so much, I'm so sorry-"

But he was pushed away harshly, surprise overruled his relief and he saw how confusion, fear, anger and shock filling the older man's eyes. Why Hyukjae is looking at him like that? Is he still angry? Did he not miss him at all? "Hyuk-"

"Who are you? What do you want? How do you know my name?" Hyukjae asked in haste and defensively, body language completely rejecting Donghae.

What is he playing at? "Hyuk- why- why are you being like this? Are you still angry? I'm sorry, I really am, but please don't do this, not now, at least not now," Donghae pleaded, hurting and tears b more, hands still reaching out only for Hyukjae to take a step back away from him, "Hyuk, I missed you... I-"

"Don't touch me," he hissed threateningly, "what are you talking about? Who are you?"

"Hyuk... Please..." Donghae cried out, hands hanging in the air searching for a lifeline, soul begging to be embraced.

"Dong... Donghae?" it wasn't Hyukjae, Donghae look to the side to see the other man's mother looking at him as if she's seeing ghost, "is that really you, Donghae? You're... You're alive?"

"Mother," he breathed out, tears spilling out again when finally someone is embracing his broken soul, the woman's cry softly caressing his ears, "I'm real mother, I'm here, I survived."

"Oh god, oh my god, I can't- can't believe this," she cried and coiling her arms tighter around him before letting go to hold his face, "you're really here, you're alive, oh thank god, oh I- I'm really, really glad."

They hugged for a while, letting reality to sink in their mind, then the woman let go to wipe at her face, smiling happily. But when she look to her son, anxiety filling her eyes and Donghae couldn't stop himself from asking.

"Why Hyukjae-"

"Who is this, mom?" Hyukjae asked quickly, seemingly wanting to separate his mother from Donghae.

"He's... He's Donghae," she only said, hands pressed over her heart, "can you- can you please give us a moment? I'll tell you later..."

He watched his mother and the other man closely, clearly worried but he's relenting after a while, "I'll wait in my room."

"Thank you," she said, and they watched Hyukjae going inside the house, warily looking back to them.

"Why...?" Donghae asked in whisper.

"Come in first, I think you need something to eat or drink."

Donghae did feel hungry, he hadn't been eating well and he missed home cooked meals. He swallowed it all like a starving man, heart and soul singing for being home and at peace. But even with the grace of delicious food, his heart is yearning for his questions to be answered. Only when he finished his meal that Hyukjae's mother tells him what happened to his son after the news of his death, the man's suffering and how his life has came to be. But what Donghae couldn't, doesn't want to accept was the fact that Hyukjae had forgotten all about him, only him.

"How...?" he whispered full of pain and plea for his pain to be soothed, only to be in vain.

"He often walk around aimlessly when we weren't keeping an eye on him," she sighed, breath shaky to hold in the tears from the reminder of it, "he... He almost got run over by a car, it was a small accident, he didn't even hit his head. But after that... He just- he just forgot about you. At first we didn't realize it, he was fine, there was nothing wrong with him except for the wounds over the side of his body. But then, then he asked us, 'why is there a wedding ring on my finger?' That was how we knew something was wrong and... It was only you he came to forget."

He sit there in disbelief, everything which being told to him feels like a bad joke, but no one will tell him that it was a prank, it was reality. Did he came out of a nightmare to go into another? He still can see the raw image of detachment in Hyukjae's eyes when he looked at him, something so unfamiliar, terrifying and Donghae feels like he's being killed slowly. Suddenly, all the years which they've been through together is gone with no trace. That his love is no longer his. It's hard to let the fact to sink in his head, it's hard to comprehend and there's a big chunk of denial deep within.

"Donghae," she called softly, "it's better for you to go home now... Don't talk to him-"

"You can't take him away from me," he said sorrowfully, so much pain, chest racked with bubbling cry, "you have to let me talk to him, you can't expect me to-"

"I know, but please... Go home for now, your parents must want to see you too, be with them for now. Hyukjae was already hurt for too much, give him some space."

"But I- I'm here now, I'll stay this time and I will not go anywhere else. I just need to make him understand that then we will- we'll be fine," he pleaded.

"Go home," she said firmer, "give the two of you time, then you can come back to talk it over."

Donghae knows, no matter how long he stay there nor how much he plead, she won't let him talk to Hyukjae, someone who was once his husband. Now their marriage are nothing but a lie in the face of truth, isn't it? He goes home with a taxi because he didn't have enough strength nor coherent mind to walk the long road by his feet. Going back to the warm arms and kisses of his parents, happiness and relief which he had hoped to get when he come home, yet sadness filling his soul because, there's no Hyukjae beside him. And he didn't know, if he'll ever be beside him again.

--

Two weeks, that was the longest he could do for the time and space they needed to rearrange their thoughts. He had informed the man's parent's about his plan to visit and was welcomed, so he didn't waste any more time to go there. When he arrived, the door was opened by the man he had longed to see. Initially there was a smile on Hyukjae's lips, but as soon as his eyes fell on Donghae, his face closes up and the smile gone like it was never there.

"You," was the only thing he said before he left the door and walking in without inviting Donghae inside. He would still go in anyway, the open door implying his half hearted welcome.

Never was he's that tense and nervous around Hyukjae, afraid to do something wrong and possibly having any remaining chances to fix what they has taken away from him. He saw photo albums stacked on the coffee table in the living room, Donghae know by heart those are their albums. Did Hyukjae saw it? What did he feel about it?

"They said you're my husband."

Donghae's eyes snapped up to see Hyukjae who's already sitting on the couch, face void of any emotions and merely inspecting him. He didn't know if he's allowed to sit on the same couch, it feels so weird, so unreal that he have to be so conflicted about a simple thing like that. He's still Hyukjae, look like Hyukjae, yet he's not the Hyukjae whom he knows of. You're a stranger to him, Donghae.

"Yes, I am..." he answered lowly, as if even him are uncertain about the fact, eyes flickering down to Hyukjae's slender fingers, noticing the absent of the platinum band which he had graced there many years ago, "you didn't wear your ring."

Hyukjae glanced to his hand, curling it and holding it with his other hand like he's trying to hide it. "Why would I?" came the easy yet hurting reply.

His eyes stings, chest tight and so painful, as if there's a knife being twisted there. Donghae is not sure that he can keep standing there without risking a fall, his mind is haywire and knees weak from the strong anguish growing inside, he whispered, "can I sit?"

"Yeah," Hyukjae patted the space beside him, but inching away when Donghae is sitting down, distancing themselves so far away despite being so close. "I don't know you, I don't remember you at all... They also didn't tell me anything about you, until two weeks ago. It was just a ring for me, so I don't wear it."

"Okay..." Donghae whispered, rubbing his hands together to rid of the nervous sweat.

"I'm sorry," he said, slow yet sounds like he only said it according to the situation, not because he really feeling sorry. There's no reason for him to feel sorry.

"You're not..."

"...I don't," Hyukjae inhaled, taking one of the album to flip through it, seeing the pictures of smiling Donghae and himself, "this feels like a lie, I can't... See myself in it."

"Why?" he's desperate, he knows he is.

"Because it felt like I woke up like usually but then suddenly people told me that many years has passed, that I have a home somewhere else, I have a life which I never know of nor remember, and that I... I have a husband? That just feel so... Unreal. As if I'm being put into a time machine or being thrown into another dimension."

Donghae have nothing to say to it, only looking at the pictures in the album and wishing to see more of it to delude himself that everything is still fine, hoping that seeing them will reawaken the forgotten memories inside Hyukjae. They're still there, isn't it? He hopes so. But life is never simple.

"my mom and dad told me to live with you, like how it's supposed to be," Hyukjae continued, "but I don't want to..."

"Why?" appears to be the only thing Donghae could say.

"You're... A stranger to me, Donghae-shi-"

"Please," Donghae whispered yet so loud in his plea, "please don't call me that."

"Donghae," he corrects, "I'm not ready... It's jarring to imagine living a life which doesn't feel like mine."

"Can't you... Give me a chance? Give us a chance?"

"What if I don't want to?" Hyukjae whispered, closing the album and put it away as if he couldn't bear looking at it. "I mean... It's like you got transferred into a place you are not familiar with without any preparation, and I'm... I'm comfortable with this life which I know, I just..."

"Please, I'm begging you..." he pressed his knuckles to his forehead, closing his eyes fearing what Hyukjae will answer him with.

"Your parents called, and they asked me the same," Donghae can't see his face, but from his voice alone he could picture the look on Hyukjae's face, the one which always took place whenever he felt accused of something he didn't do, "it's unfair, it's like people are expecting me of something I have no idea of, how is that will make me feel better? It only makes me even more reluctant."

"Try it, give it the benefits of doubt," finally he look up, staring right into Hyukjae's eyes, "please, give it a try, then... After you try it, you can decide if you want to stay or not. I will, I promise I will make it worth to you, to us."

Hyukjae is slightly squirming in his seat, uncomfortable, "will you really let me decide? You wouldn't force me to live like how I was, if I don't want to?"

"No... I won't, I-" he cover his face with his palms, feeling his eyes stinging from upcoming tears, "I won't expect you to love me like you did before, because even now... Now you're already so different than how you were. I won't put you through it if you don't like it."

"Why would you want that if I'm already different to you? Doesn't that mean I feel like a stranger to you too?" he frowned.

"But... I," Donghae swallowed, "that was my life with you, I can't just suddenly... Forget about you without trying to have it back? I- I love you. At least if you can't be with me after we try it, it'll be a closure to me too."

"Even if that means... I'll ask for a divorce if I don't want to after that?" he asked in whisper.

It hurts, so bad, he never thought such question will ever leave his husband's lips, never like this. But life is so cruel, "yes..."

No one was saying anything for a while, until Hyukjae ask again, "how long have we... Been married?"

"...almost ten years."

There's a long sigh, "that's... Something."

"Yeah... It is."

Silence filling in again, then as if it's becoming a habit, Hyukjae always the first to have something to say, "I have a lot of questions. But maybe it's better to say it when we're there."

Donghae couldn't help the tears which spilling out, relieved, so, so relieved even though no answer is being given. Still it's a chance, "thank you..."

"I'm sorry."

He smiled, full of sadness and regret, "I'm sorry too."

--

Their parents bid them good bye and wished them good luck, for whatever it was, Donghae took it gratefully while Hyukjae doesn't know what to feel about it. Donghae reasoned that they should drive home by car, hoping that might help juggling up memories within Hyukjae. The road home was long, almost four hours and feels even longer since they're awkward to each other. But at least Hyukjae have questions to fill in the silence and tension in the car.

"How did we met?"

"Ah," Donghae smiled, briefly taking his eyes off the road to glance to him, smiling, "it was almost twelve years ago, we were both volunteers to a charity event. You were there as a psychologist although you were also kind of acting as a nutritionist," he laughed.

"Oh, I think I remember that event..."

"You did?" Donghae is surprised.

"Yeah, it was to a rural area, wasn't it? To educate people about leading a healthy life and awareness about mental health. I think we also introduced them about ubiquitous healthcare and the ethics of it to the health providers there along with the folks. Come to think of it, the event also acted as a study, wasn't it?"

"Yes, yes that was the one," Donghae smiling widely, "you really remember that? Then... Did you remember me there?"

Hyukjae bite his lower lip, "no... I remember all of that, but I don't remember you... It feels like I'm deliberately erasing you."

"Oh," he lets out, saddened and disappointed, "well, that was the one, I was there too as one of the event organizers. You were originally there to collect surveys, but then things got messy and you ended up got involved more."

"Ah..."

"Did that trigger anything?" he asked full of hope.

"I do remember complaining why the event was in so much disarray that some providers didn't come even though they should have. But that was it..." Hyukjae whispered, squeezing his hands in unease, "sorry."

"It's okay," he forced a reassuring smile, "you were complaining to me, you tried to look nonchalant and unaffected, but it was obvious how nervous you were. So I was... Kind of comforting you," he chuckled. "But you managed with your psychology and public health background, so when you were celebrating for not ing up, I asked you out for a date in the next day."

Hyukjae jerked an eyebrow, "you asked me out just like that?"

"I mean, you're really handsome and you were very passionate about what you do, I got mesmerized and kind of... Watching over you that whole day," Donghae laughed, "to be honest it was a shallow interest at first, but then you were-" he sighed dreamily at the remembrance, "you're funny, witty and really smart, soaking up all the things you can learn and full of interest to know more even those which aren't in your field of expertise. And I just, can't let it end with one date, so I asked for your number and we started off as friends. We often met up in Seoul, sometimes we only communicated through texts and well, the rest is history."

Hyukjae hummed, can't really imagine it in his head, "how did we end up in Goheung then?"

"We both want to get away from the big city," Donghae shrugged, "and I love the beach, you also said there's more to do and teach rather than in the city. Speaking of that, what about your job? Do you remember anything about it?"

"I don't really remember Goheung to be honest," Hyukjae sighed, a hand coming up to rub at his chest out of anxiety, "I've been receiving emails and calls from people asking me when will I open my office again, so at least I know I work as a psychologist. I'm not sure if I can continue it? I don't even remember my patients and with me being like this, how can I feel entitled to help them?"

"You can pick it up slowly, if it's you, I know you can," Donghae said encouragingly, "you've been one even before you moved to Goheung, your head may not remember it, but it's deeply rooted in you."

"I hope so," Hyukjae said softly, letting a small smile gracing his lips, thankful for what Donghae said, "how about you? You're always a volunteer? You were... Missing because you were volunteering, right?"

Donghae exhales slowly, conflicted of how he could explain it, "I was a volunteer before we got married, but then I work as a HRD. It was a really simple life, not too many money get spared, so I can't really do any volunteer event anymore."

"But you did it again? So you stopped working?"

"I... No, I'm still working as HRD, just... I make all sort of chances to be able to get involved in volunteering programs," he his lips, nervous.

"Ah, it's a life calling," Hyukjae smiled, seemingly awed.

"Yeah, you could say that..." Donghae chuckled dryly, "although there was another reason to it."

"What is it?"

"Nothing, I was talking to myself," he brushed it off, zoning out as the images of blood and pain coming back in the deepest part of his mind. It will always be there.

--

"Wow!" Hyukjae yelled, face broke into a wide smile and arms spread to catch the gush of ocean wind, "it's so beautiful!"

"I'm glad you like it," Donghae is smiling too, hands in pocket, fisted to deny the ache in his heart. Like a Deja Vu, Hyukjae in the past was also similarly excited, arms opened in the same way with the same grin, only now he wasn't running through the sand and wasn't smiling to him. It was a place they both chosen together, although Hyukjae was the one to screamed to the vast ocean, 'here! Here we will open the new chapter Hae! Our new life!'

Donghae sniffed, tears denied yet he couldn't get rid the sorrowful constricting of his throat, "let's get inside and I'll show you our home."

"Okay," Hyukjae following with glee, skipping on his feet and stepping into their house after Donghae unlocked it, "wow... This is a beautiful house."

"We designed it," Donghae said proudly, "of course with the help of a professional architect, but for the interior design it was mostly your touches."

"Really?" he look around, awe filling his wide eyes, hands running over many furnitures and framed photos, "I never know I have a good sense in that."

"You just successfully complimented yourself," Donghae snickers.

"Well I... It doesn't feel like me," Hyukjae grinned with a soft blush, "they look nice... He have a very good sense."

"He?" Donghae inquired with a frown.

"Yeah, he, I mean... It's weird to address the past me with 'me', since he seems so different than me. So, he," he shrugged, leaving Donghae to stand there to roam around the house by himself.

Maybe it doesn't mean anything to Hyukjae in the way he said it so nonchalantly, but it does hurt Donghae a lot. As if saying his Hyukjae is gone for good, that he will never come back to him. Is it all there is? Is Donghae's efforts will be in vain? But this is Hyukjae, whether he's not the same Hyukjae who was his husband, he's still Hyukjae right? What is he trying to do, anyway? Getting back the old Hyukjae, or try to love the new Hyukjae? Is it right to seek after his Hyukjae, when the current Hyukjae have no memories of the person he was? Isn't this almost similar to Donghae trying to replace his past love with a new person? How is that right?

"Is there only two bedrooms here?" Hyukjae asked when he goes back from inspecting the house.

"Yeah, one was ours and the other was a guestroom if yours or my parents come to visit, or any of our friends," Donghae explained, suddenly have to think about that one forgotten fact. They couldn't possibly share a bedroom, could they?

"So, I guess I'll use the guestroom? I brought some of my clothes from my parents house, but there was so few of it I don't think they'll suffice."

"You-" Donghae exhales to lessen the tightness in his chest, "this was your home, you have all your things here."

"Yeah, I thought so too... But, is it alright to use his things?" Hyukjae asked, feet shuffling in unease.

"They are yours, Hyukjae, yours. You don't have to feel bad for it," in all honesty, Donghae couldn't understand Hyukjae's apprehension.

"I told you. He was me, he look like me, obviously, but it still doesn't... Help me from not feeling like I'm intruding into someone else's life. It's like... I'm stealing someone's life," he said softly, rubbing his arm in what appears to be nervousness.

Donghae feel like crying then, even with all these, nothing brings back any of his memories, huh? So they really are gone for good? "I assure you, it's okay."

Hyukjae hummed, looking away to see the photographs filling the living room, "hey, I think I know this one..."

"Which? Which one?" Donghae hurriedly goes closer to the man, looking at the photo which he's pointing at, heart hopeful.

"Was this his office? I somewhat remember this room."

A photo of Hyukjae with some people smiling to the camera in a room with blue wall, "yes, that was your office with some of your patients."

"My... Patients," Hyukjae whispered, eyes seemingly guilty, "do you think I can continue doing my job?"

"That's depends on you, what do you feel about it. You can try to go back to it by studying their papers, after all you already are a psychologist even before you met me, so the memory and what you could do is there, right? Take it slow, I know you can do it."

Hyukjae hummed, "I guess... I feel bad if I'm leaving them hanging, it's like breaking their trust on me."

"You didn't do it deliberately, it wasn't your fault, that's just the way it is, circumstances happens. But, like I said, take it slow," Donghae said encouragingly, almost patting his back, but decided against it, "you look less apprehensive now."

"Well, I just decided to go with it, just think of it like I'm on a camp trip," he shrugged, once again obliviously hurting Donghae.

"Yeah," Donghae nodded, turning away and missed the way Hyukjae is looking to him with guilt. "So, we can start unloading our things from the car now-"

Hyukjae caught his wrist, holding it firmly as if he's trying to convey something, "circumstances, you said. You shouldn't blame yourself too, Donghae. I'm not going to say sorry anymore because it happened and it wasn't within my control, so you should to."

Even now, he's always so observant about Donghae, all he could do was to smile, "I know, let's go back to the car."

Only Hyukjae didn't know, it wasn't circumstances on Donghae's behalf, it was his fault. That they have come to this, it was on him. If only he didn't go, if only he listened, if only he was brave enough to face his sin. This wouldn't ever happen.

--

The light in the house is rather dim when the night comes, Hyukjae look around the house still in awe of how different and much prettier the place is at night. There's a long glass window at the ceiling so he could stare at the night sky, stars a lot more visible than the ones in the city, looking like a galaxy. So beautiful and tells a lot of the life of the people once shared there. He noticed Donghae is missing, nowhere in sight or any rooms, so he walks out and find him sitting on the beach sand, looking at the stars.

"Hey, the night wind is chilly, what are you doing here with that kind of clothes?" Hyukjae asked while walking closer, eyeing the other man's attire of a thin shirt and short pants.

"Oh, you're done showering? You shouldn't be out here then," Donghae glanced to him only to look back to the sky.

"You shouldn't too, it's your turn to shower," Hyukjae took off his slippers to sit on them, avoid sitting directly on the sand.

Donghae didn't reply, eyes still up to the sky, longing obvious in his glimmering eyes. Was those tears? Hyukjae slightly jolted when the man exhaled roughly, still not looking to him when he said, "you know, you used to want to be a star."

"Oh?" he lets out, "they are beautiful indeed, I love them, still..."

"You said, you were always looking at them because they look so lonely even when there are many of them. Because you were looking at them in the city, there are only a few of them can be seen. Then you said, you want to be the brightest, the biggest star out of them, so even when you're lonely, your bright light will tell us, 'here, I am here'. Easy to be forgotten yet never missed to be seen and we will remember you again until you'll always be remembered. Which was why you always try so hard to help others, save them, saving me."

Hyukjae took a handful of sand, letting it run through his fingers, "he sounds like a romantic."

"That you are," Donghae said, voice full of wonders and eyes glimmering even more from the b tears, "when we were looking at this sky though, you said," he swallowed, fingers digging in his arms, "you said that you no longer think that the stars are lonely, because there are many of them, close to each other. And- and that you didn't see them as lonely anymore because you're no longer lonely, with me. That something changes in their values when you feels differently."

Hyukjae didn't say anything, somehow knowing what Donghae is trying to say. So the man continues, "can you believe in that? What was he believed in?"

"Donghae..." Hyukjae whispered in guilt, "you promised you won't force me."

"I'm not, just... I just want you to try."

"I'm here, am I not?"

"Can you really, really try? Not just... Having a camp trip, but really try to see it? What once there?" Donghae said, lower and pleading.

What he get was a soft pat on his back, then a soft voice saying, "good night, Donghae."

The sound of footsteps going further away and Donghae tucking his face to his folded arms over his knees, tears spilling out unlike the loud cry he denied.

'Good night stranger.'

--

The next morning, when Hyukjae got out of his new bedroom, he got greeted only with the sight of simple breakfast on the table and no Donghae in the house. It's hard for him to settle into his too abruptly new life, but he realized it must be harder for Donghae who just got back from war, losing what was his life and learning to accept him who doesn't remember him. Subconsciously, Donghae is running away to cope with his pain, considering he never there with Hyukjae.

He sighed tiredly before finishing his breakfast and goes to look for the man after. Running away won't save you, Donghae, Hyukjae said in his heart. If it's closure that you needs, that's the least he could do for the man. He could see, from the photographs, the house, the way Donghae looked at him, that the past him was so loved, so precious and treasured. And for his good conscience, he should make an effort in what he promised to Donghae.

Give him the closure he needed or learn to love him, again. Can you do that, Hyukjae? It's hard to tell, his own heart is still in disarray, denial present, but he could say Donghae is a good person. At the very least, although he couldn't say if the man is easy to fall in love with, he could say that he's hard to dislike. It could start from there, mutual understanding, friends.

Again, Hyukjae found Donghae sitting in the beach at the same place as last night, "please tell me you didn't stay here all night."

Donghae look up in a snap, surprised before he's grinning bashfully, "no, I slept in my bedroom."

"Is this your favorite place or something?" Hyukjae take off his slippers to sit on it like before, although less caring about getting dirty by the sand this time.

"I... It think it's just a habit, to sit here when I'm... Upset," he shrugged.

"Talk to me, are we not here to fix this together? Yet you're running away from me," Hyukjae whispered.

Donghae look away to see the ocean again, seeing some people swimming and surfing there, "I didn't mean to, but... I can't deny it hurts me to see you."

"It's hardly even our first day here, yet you're already seeing the end of it. How are you going to find closure like this? Shouldn't we just enjoy the time together, so you wouldn't regret it later?"

Donghae bites his lower lip, lowering his face to hide from Hyukjae, "that's not what I want to hear from you."

"Donghae," Hyukjae called as gentle as he could, "you can not do this with the single hope of having me, 'him', back. That only means you're deluding yourself and it'll only makes it harder to let this go, to let him go. We should try this fully aware that there are two outcomes from this, your closure."

This time, Donghae didn't hide his tears anymore, although still not looking to Hyukjae, "this is what I'm afraid of, this is why I'm running away. Because even though you said you'd try, you already deciding that you will leave me. Everytime I see your eyes, I could already hear these words and I- I don't want that."

"Donghae..."

"I'm afraid, Hyukjae. So, so afraid. A life without you, when I'm so broken, where we are both broken, of living it with so many unsaid words, of regrets which I couldn't undo, I'm terrified of it. I can't sleep at nights, before I come back, you were all that kept me strong, filling my mind with the hope to have you heal my scars. Because we were that, for each other, but now-" he sobbed, wiping his wet face with the back of his hands, curling around his knees.

So vulnerable and small he is in Hyukjae's eyes, so he rounds his arms over the man's quivering body, soothing him with gentle hushes, "I could still be that, I could still heal your scars, Donghae. I'm sorry, I really feel sorry. But I'm here now, although not in the way you hoped it to be."

", that ing hurts," Donghae cries harder yet also bitterly laughing, too hurting for his emotions to work properly. So many regrets and sorrow mixing he didn't know what is it that he's feeling, so painful it's indescribable. Yet Hyukjae's arms around him, although killing him slowly, also grounding his soul in a way. Strange, chaotic, yet true. At least they're both alive and nothing ever too late, as long as they're living.

"Thank you," he said finally, letting go uncaring of how ugly he must look after his outburst, "thank you for giving me this chance."

Hyukjae feels his heart hurting seeing how wrecked the man is, brushing his hair softly, awkwardness gone in the deep moment, "I will try, Donghae. I will try to take you back although in my own way, my own person. So please, try to also accept it if I couldn't, could you?"

Heart breaking into million pieces, but this is life, this is reality. At least, even though not in the same way, Hyukjae is still here. The thought slightly comforting his bleeding heart, because he's still hopeful, will always be hopeful. No matter what Hyukjae said, he will keep trying even if it until the last of his breath. Because there can only be Hyukjae, only him.

"Okay."

--

The next day Donghae show Hyukjae around the small city, introducing him to some people and explained to them what happened. Hyukjae found it relieving of how casual and welcoming the people are with him despite his retrograde amnesia, although feels strange, it does makes Hyukjae feel like he's at home. And it also tells him a lot that the past him was a good person according to their reactions, he must be a warm person because the children who saw him immediately jumped to hug him, telling him how they missed him.

Few weeks in, Hyukjae feel at ease to walk around the city by himself, sometimes with other people who were friends with the past him, filling him in about the old Hyukjae. He still feels like a different person, yet oddly they aren't so different after all, they're still the same person with the exception of memories and experiences.

A month and half later, Hyukjae tries to get back into his job, opening folders and papers to learn what was forgotten and open his office again. Sky blue painted on the walls, soft bright wooden floor and pastel colored sofa and couch, familiar and homey it was. He feels comfortable to be in the office, slowly getting used to the new life and the patients who are understanding about his condition. Although it saddens him that some patients refused to go back, but he accept it and make peace with it than feeling guilty.

Nobody ask if he's going to stay for good, as if they expected him to continue where he left off and Hyukjae doesn't have the will to correct it despite he might be giving them false hope. Life is rather slow there than in the big cities and he found himself settling in comfortably. When both Hyukjae and Donghae are home, they would talk for a long time, mostly Donghae telling him about his past life.

A couple of months since his arrival, in one Saturday, Hyukjae find himself alone again in the house, looking out to the bright sky with brighter sun and the beautiful view of the ocean. It's late summer so there are days when it's rather chilly to take a dip in the beach, but seeing the weather that day it seems more than intriguing for him to have a swim. So he walk along the beach with a short and tee, with the intention to swim.

But then he saw Donghae sitting not far from their home in middle of lathering wax on his surf board, "hi."

The other man looked up briefly before back focusing to his board, "hi..."

"You gonna surf?" he sit down right away to the sand without taking off his slippers this time.

"Yeah, it's been a long time," Donghae chuckled, looking to him again, "you want to try? You got your own board."

"My own... Board?" Hyukjae asked hesitantly, "are you saying that I surf too?"

"You did, we did it together," he put down the wax and sit beside Hyukjae for a while.

Hyukjae look to the beach, inspecting the waves and his body bristling in defense, "nuh uh, I don't think that's for me."

"Scared?" Donghae taunts sounding more playful.

"The waves aren't super big or something, but still..." he cringed, "it's scary to fall off and get swallowed by it."

"You'll get used to it," Donghae try to encourage.

"Nah, thanks, I'd rather swim," but then Donghae is softly laughing at him, "quit that, not everybody are okay with the things that you are," he grumbled.

"No, I just remember you refused to do it too before, although in a more dramatic way," Donghae laughed.

"Oh he did? What changed his mind then?"

"I don't know," he shrugged, "suddenly you asked me to teach you and then, you just fell in love with it like I do."

"Doesn't seem like something I'll do," he shivered again seeing the wave, "go, I will see how good you are."

Donghae hummed with a little bit pain in his sad eyes, Hyukjae knows it must be something he said, about him being different with the past him. But then the look of hurt gone like it never was there and Donghae goes for the water, paddling and chasing waves. And he watch how the man rides the waves, going back then riding them again, seemingly happy and a smile on his face.

Hyukjae realizes, surfing is one of his coping mechanism. He wasn't oblivious to the fleeting scream he had heard in some nights, of the sound of a door opening and shuffling in the kitchen amidst the darkness. Donghae is plagued with nightmares, that much Hyukjae knows, he gathered it must be a leftover from when he was held captive. Hyukjae wants to intervene, to help, but somehow he couldn't because he knows with the way he is, Donghae would close off in front of him.

But seeing him surfing out there, Hyukjae feels relieved that at least the man is not completely lost. After a while, he too goes for a swim. He stays in the shallow waters with gentler waves, but seeing Donghae goes further, conquering waves after waves, he feels compelled to get out of his comfort zone, tasting the boundaries. He didn't go as far as Donghae, but then he see a rather big wave rolling to his direction.

It was instinct when he swim away, trying to avoid the wave and swimming as fast as he could to the shore. But it was a wrong move, because the wave crashed on him even harder and catch him in a strong whirls of heavy water, tossing his body to all directions not knowing where is up or down, arms stretched to the limit to touch anything, anything at all to save himself. His lungs are burning, unknown whether due to the lack of air or because water flooding inside.

Suddenly, there are hands grabbing at his wrists, pulling him up and his body caught into an embrace against a thicker and firmer body. He's coughing violently to get the water out of his lungs, wheezing as a hand cradling his head and the other resting reassuringly on his back.

"Stupid, you shouldn't swim that far if you don't know how to handle wave!"

The short terror he had just experienced got his body weak and trembling like leaf in the wind, yet he feels safe, because those arms although unfamiliar, calms him in a protective hold. He look up to see the man, gaze immediately connected with the worried eyes, seeing the pretty lights which reflected from the glimmering water in the dark brown color, beautiful. He didn't noticed that they were so close, their faces only a mere inches away and they share breaths like lifeline.

Hyukjae was scared because of the wave, while Donghae was scared for his safety, his well being. He realized that they are too close when he could see the man's slightly rough cheeks due to the sun, yet it doesn't feel wrong, even though he should be a stranger to Hyukjae. The embrace, the weight of arms around him feels right. And something did shift, when he sees the way Donghae's eyes flickering down to his lips and the color brown turning darker. It's longing, it's yearning.

And when he noticed the small tilt of the man's head, leaning into him just a micro, he's coughing again and the moment passed. Donghae sighed out of relief and something Hyukjae couldn't describe, his arms pulling him away from the waist deep water.

"Let's go back."

Hyukjae didn't say anything, focusing to move his limbs to save himself from the incoming wave and let his body being led to the beach. They stay quiet even after they're out of water, walking back to their home. Rightfully, his mind aligning to understand what was almost happen when fear dissipating from his heart.

'He was about to kiss me.'

Just a thought, fleeting and easily forgotten, Hyukjae didn't dwell in it. But he's forced to think about it when Donghae is back running away from him again in the next morning, leaving only breakfast on the table. It's still 7 am and Hyukjae need to go to his office at 8 am, so he search for the other man in the dunes, finding him at the same spot like many times before. It's not just a habit, Hyukjae noticed, it's Donghae's other coping mechanism.

"I thought you quit running away?" he said as a greeting instead.

Donghae didn't even glance to him, noticing him already when he was walking closer to him, "it started here and I don't want it to end here too."

Hyukjae focusing at the sound of waves crashing and the words being said, toes digging into the soft sand, "you think it ends everything because of yesterday?"

"I know that you know, I may did it out of reflex but I... Always meant what I'm doing," Donghae whispered.

"I know, and I don't mind," Hyukjae answered to reassure the man, but he got a surprised look from Donghae, "I mean I don't mind what happened yesterday, not the... Intention itself, I still don't know what to think about that."

"Ah," Donghae lets out with disappointment, for a second he thought Hyukjae was okay with him kissing him. Of course not. "Sorry, I won't do it again."

"Are you even listening?" Hyukjae chuckles, "I said I don't mind, maybe I don't know how to react to it, but really... I don't mind."

Donghae try to process the words in his head slowly, "so... You don't mind if I want to kiss you and act on it?"

Hyukjae shrugged still with a smile, "I guess. Come now, let's have breakfast together and maybe you can drop me off to my office."

Donghae hurriedly standing up and following Hyukjae then, looking like the personification of an excited puppy and it make Hyukjae smiles, chest swimming in warmth. If Donghae going to be like this, he thinks he'll more in the future. Too adorable to resist. They eat in a good tension then, with Donghae keep staring at him and Hyukjae occasionally smiling from the said stares.

Doesn't this feel so much like having someone crushing on you? So cute.

Meanwhile for Donghae, it feels like falling in love again. Hyukjae is still Hyukjae, still have the same subconscious habits like biting his nails or that flatten smiles, yet there's also something distinctively different with this Hyukjae and Donghae just so hopelessly drowning in the feeling of falling in love again.

Their days goes by like this, of Donghae feeling the bubbly affection and Hyukjae teasing him indirectly, to the point that sometimes he didn't even notice it. There are times when Donghae is hyper aware about the situation and he'd be fidgeting on his feet before sitting beside Hyukjae on the couch, or wait until Hyukjae walk away from the kitchen before he come in, as if he's that afraid to be too close to Hyukjae. But all in all, the tension between them is decreasing.

One night Hyukjae got woken up again from the soft noises coming from the kitchen, knowing it must be Donghae who couldn't go back to sleep due to his constant nightmare. He knows this can't go on, so Hyukjae walk out his room silently, watching the other man boiling water in the dark kitchen and pulling out a package of instant coffee.

"It's still 3 am."

Donghae jolted in surprise before he turns around to see Hyukjae, "you surprised me."

"Don't drink coffee, you're supposed to sleep," he said softly, walking closer to the man.

"Yeah, but... I can't go back to sleep," Donghae whispered in uncertainty.

"Come, let's go back to sleep," Hyukjae took his hand and pulls at him.

"B-but..."

"No buts, it's not good to drink coffee at this time and you still have to work in the day," he pulls again and this time Donghae following his steps.

"I can't sleep... And it makes me restless so I usually stay awake instead-"

"Sleep with me, maybe you can feel better if there's someone with you."

"What?" Donghae asked dumbfounded, "I don't- I don't think that's a good idea..."

"Why?"

"Because... It's you and me, I-"

"I don't mind," Hyukjae said in his most convincing tone.

"No but- I would- I may accidentally touch you or- or something," Donghae stutters.

"Do you want to or not?"

To touch you? Of course, but that's wasn't what you mean right? "I- I want to but-"

"Then let's go to sleep," Hyukjae cocked his head to the bed, getting in nonchalantly, "we need to wake up early, so we should go back to sleep now."

"Okay..." Donghae carefully getting inside the bed too, careful to lay on the edge and keeping his hands over his chest.

"Closer, you'll fall off like that."

"Um, but-" suddenly Hyukjae's hand already pulling him closer and their shoulders almost touching.

"There, it's okay."

"O-oh..." Donghae feel like hitting himself for stuttering so much, cheeks heating up and thankful for the limited light in the room to hide his blush.

"Sometimes you gotta just do it and stop thinking too much," Hyukjae sighed as he's getting comfortable under the blanket, turning around to give Donghae his back.

What does he mean by that? Donghae eyeing his back confusedly, fingers fidgeting over the blanket. Giving one's back is a sign of trust, right? He wants to touch the other, but will that be betraying such trust? He needs to calm down because Hyukjae doesn't mean anything by it, it was an innocent intention. His thoughts stops when Hyukjae turning around and look at him with an unreadable expression.

"What is it?"

"Huh?" Donghae asked dumbly, only to realize one of his hand is touching the other man's back, he pulls away in haste, flustered, "s-sorry, I told you-"

But the next, Hyukjae is hugging him, pulling at Donghae's head to rest it on his chest, one hand caressing his back, "let's sleep now."

Donghae want to shriek, to scream, to squeal or whatever choked noises it is in the back of his throat at the sudden proximity. His heart went thundering out of control, face hot in bashfulness. Why are you like this Donghae? It's not like you never been closer to him before, why are you so dramatic? Because it's been so long since he could feel Hyukjae, to be that close again and he's in love, he's falling in love again.

"I can feel your heart beats..." Hyukjae commented amidst the tense silence.

"I- I'm sorry?"

"It's okay," Hyukjae hums, patting Donghae's back once before his breathing settling and seemingly drifting off to sleep.

Silence ensues again, and Donghae know better than be too excited with the warmth around him. But he's just a man, one who's in love, been yearning for so long and missing Hyukjae for too much that he can't help saying, "can I- can I hug you back?"

It took a moment for Hyukjae to answer, since already about to fall asleep, "I don't see why not."

And so, Donghae cirling his arm over Hyukjae's waist, slightly trembling from the overwhelming yearn, but as he could embraces Hyukjae's warmth, he holds it tighter, closer and just so, so at home. This is home, this is what he's been seeking. He's truly home now. It feels too much, too right and tears b in his eyes at the same time his chest racking due to the mounting emotions. And Hyukjae holds him so perfectly, soft hushes touching his hair, lulling him into a sense of clarity.

He sleeps well that night without the torment of nightmares. Hyukjae is his cure, he always are.

--

Sometimes it's him who cooks, other times it's Hyukjae who did. Sometimes it's him who drives them to work, sometimes it's Hyukjae who did. They did less talk, but now it's not because they're awkward or too self-conscious, more because they find it calming and they can relax even in the silence together, almost like they once was. One thing they always do together amongst other daily things, is when they do groceries shopping.

"Oh, we also need eggs, can you-" Donghae's words dies on his tongue when Hyukjae pressing into his space and reach over to the shelf behind him.

"This one is nice, I want to try different flavour," he said as he picked up a jar of fruit jam, body still pressing to Donghae's side. The other man gasped softly from the proximity, caught in surprise which then made Hyukjae smiled in understanding, "Oh sorry."

He supposed his face look rather sour and blushing for the other man to reacts like that, but Donghae opted to not saying anything and instead stepping away for the distance between them to get wider, "I'll go... for the eggs, you can try to find the others in this list."

Hyukjae only hummed when he took the paper filled with list of things they should buy, not sparing a word as Donghae practically speed walking away from that spot, leaving him to his own device. What happened wasn't unintended, Donghae know that much, although that makes him feel giddy that Hyukjae is okay to try the boundaries with them, he also feels somewhat used. Because he didn't know what was Hyukjae's intention, to play with him? Because his reaction amuse him? Or is there something else to it? Donghae didn't know.

On Hyukjae's part, it was truly deliberate, he did it with an intention. It flatters him in the way Donghae is so affected by the little things he did, it makes him feel happy if it's even the right word to describe what he's feeling, but more than that, Hyukjae is taking advantage of their married status despite the circumstances. If he were to be totally honest, he would like to press Donghae a bit harder to the shelf, feel his body warmth and firm muscles under the supple skin. It feels nice to his own, and he found Donghae's scent is bringing about nostalgic emotions within him. Hyukjae relish in it selfishly. At least he knows that it's inappropriate to Donghae's out of nowhere, they're married, but not quite so.

After their shopping, they agreed to take a coffee break at some cafe on their way home, groceries sitting patiently in their car as they both sit at a couple seat face to face. Donghae always love a good hot cappuccino without sugar while Hyukjae, despite he's not the same person as he once was, chose the same favorite, caramel frappe.

At first Donghae didn't notice, but when he's about to lift the cup to his lips, he realizes Hyukjae is watching him closely. Feeling nervous, much more than in their first date, the cup in his hand trembling to his too self-conscious lips. As if he need to pay attention to his table manner, like he couldn't do a wrong move or else his date will dislike him, he feels like a dumb teenager again. Suddenly Hyukjae is chuckling, soft and almost inaudible from the way he cover his mouth with a hand, before he reached over the table to swipe his thumb on the corner of Donghae's lips.

"You got a foam there," he said still with a chuckle, and as if it's a reflex, he put his foamed thumb into his mouth. It's silly, it's just a simply thing, yet Donghae's heart took a leap at the gesture. He's not even a kid who get excited over an indirect kiss, yet it does feels like it.

The first few beats of his heart was excitement, like young stupid love. But the next was shame and dread which burning in his chest as he found mirth in Hyukjae's eyes and a smirk on his pretty lips. He was playing like a cat to a mouse. Donghae lowers his head in disappointment, refused to be seen even dumber, shameful and stupidly too hopeful. He missed the way Hyukjae's face fell at his pained expression.

"Don't you think it's cruel? To did that to me when you don't mean it?" He said, letting only his voice carries his pain.

There was silence for a moment, then the sound of ceramic cup being put on the saucer, "Donghae-"

"Don't give me the talk Hyuk, I know better, but you should know where to draw the lines because you know I'm hoping."

"Donghae," Hyukjae calls again, firmer which make the other man to look up. "I know you may think it's unfair, but I didn't do it without thinking. I did."

He couldn't understand what Hyukjae was getting at, "what?"

Hyukjae lets out a soft sigh, "I didn't do it just to enjoy it then chose the only way out I was trying to do at the beginning, I try to enjoy it because I want to try this, us."

The words was so simple yet Donghae still can't comprehend it, Hyukjae can see it in his eyes so he continues, "when I first came here, it felt like everything are foreign puzzle pieces which doesn't fit anywhere, like I'm a piece which came from a different frame, a different piece being forcefully put into this unfinished image. But the people here, the house, our house, the little things, you, somehow they feels so right, so familiar the longer I stay. Gradually it wasn't the home in the city with my parents which I'm holding onto anymore, but this... sense of familiarity which I found here.

"I can't see yet what kind of image did my puzzle piece belong to, it's still abstract, but I know it wasn't a piece which came from different image, they belongs here, with yours," Hyukjae said gently with a smile, the light from the ceiling reflecting in his eyes like stars, like galaxies that they love to watch in the clear night sky by the ocean. "So I'm trying to enjoy it, to learn and to be here."

Donghae want to speak, but his lips quivering from the intensity growing in his chest, "you will try to love me again?" It was no more than a whisper, too hushed, disappearing in the air yet loud in his eyes and heart, hope blooming like fire.

"I can't say yet, but it's so easy to like you Donghae, so easy that I can no longer be somewhere else than here. Maybe I would, I don't want to promise anything I'm not sure of, but I'm sure enough i want to stay, for now. For now, I'm not thinking of leaving," he smiled, thinking of reaching over the table to hold Donghae's hand but decided against it. Not yet.

"Are you for real?" Donghae asked, voice so strained, like a string ready to snap with the slightest force, "you're not saying this just because you pity me?"

"You should know from the beginning that I don't do pity, if I was, I wouldn't even be talking like this. I'm always nothing but being honest with you Donghae."

That seems to be the last nudge for Donghae's tears to spill, one by one they gently falling down his porcelain cheeks like stars. So beautiful and lonely like the ache in their hearts. He didn't say anything, but he let Hyukjae to wipe his tears away with his warm thumb, fondly and easing his hope.

"Thank you," he whispered to hide the sob in his throat.

"Let's go home Donghae," Hyukjae said and those words never sounds so beautiful in his ears.

Home, he says.

--

It seems Donghae is finally soothed and relieved after they shared the talk, because the next day the other man came down with a fever. He was played with so much tension since he got back home with Hyukjae that now when he finally feel reassured, the tension disappeared and his body catching up with the exhaustion in the way his fever is burning.

"It's 39 degrees..." Hyukjae reads the thermometer, looking down to Donghae who's laying in bed and smiling sheepishly to him.

"Sorry..."

"Why are you sorry? It's not like you did this deliberately," Hyukjae chuckles, "or is this your attempt to monopolize me?"

Donghae blushed, pulling at the edge of the blanket to cover half his face yet he didn't deny nor saying anything. Hyukjae sighed with fondness before patting the man's forehead softly, "You sure did get my attention. Now, let's put some food inside your stomach so you can take your meds then rest plenty, okay?"

"Okay..." Donghae is being so docile, so cute with his soft voice and pinkish face that Hyukjae find him utterly adorable.

"Can i kiss you?" He blurted it out, only thinking if it's a good idea after he said it

"Huh?" Donghae lets out with wide eyes.

"Oh I'm just-"

"Yes, yes you can," he hurriedly add, too obvious and too enthusiastic that made him blushing harder. But he didn't take it back, because yes, he wants him to.

That made Hyukjae to chuckle but he didn't comment on it to make it easier for Donghae, leaning down without asking again and kissed the man's supple cheek. Softly, fleeting yet filled with adoration, then Hyukjae straighten up and see a little disappointment in Donghae's eyes.

"What?" He asked with a grin, already knowing.

"What?" Donghae echoed, "nothing..."

"You were expecting me to kiss you on the lips?"

"No... maybe..." he shrugged under the blanket, trying to act nonchalant despite the blush on his face.

"You're sick Donghae, if I fall sick too who's going to take care of us?" Hyukjae giggles, he didn't miss the warmth swimming in the other man's eyes, "what?"

"You said us... i like that," Donghae smiled and maybe, that was the first time Hyukjae ever see such unrestrained and genuine smile from Donghae. His chest feels warmth from the yearning which trickling down Donghae's pretty smile.

"Wait here while i cook you something," he said instead, but then a warm hand coiling around his wrist.

"If I weren't sick, would you?"

He only smiles, "who knows?"

Before, Donghae would beat himself up for that, but now he didn't mind such an answer, so he smiled back and let Hyukjae walk out the bedroom to cook in the kitchen. He specifically requested for the door to stay open, so he could feel where Hyukjae was and hear what he's doing. The noises in the kitchen carries in the air to the bedroom, soothing Donghae's mild agony from his fever, eyes easily fall shut with no fear of nightmare to haunt him.

The next he come to was to a dip in the bed near him, Hyukjae sitting down with a bowl of rice porridge, steam and delicious smell warming Donghae's cheeks. Slowly he's sitting up to lean on the headboard, sighing as he felt a hand to his shoulder, a simple gesture of care much like the food being offered to him. But Donghae didn't take it from Hyukjae's hand, a slight pout on his lips as he stare back.

"What? Are you asking me to spoon feed you?" He asked in surprise to which Donghae only replied with a shy smile. Hyukjae sighed fondly, "this spoiled kid, good thing you're cute."

Donghae blushed at that, embarrassed but more than that he's flattered and happy, because Hyukjae didn't refuse, not at all. He's actually indulging Donghae and from the way his lips curled up in amusement, he enjoys it. More than the warm food which fills his mouth from the spoon in Hyukjae's hand, it was the man's smile which soothe Donghae's illness. The Hyukjae in the past never do something like this because Donghae never ask him to -he believes he's not a baby, thank you-, so this is really a novelty, a joyous experience for him.

"At least your appetite is still there, if you want more there's still some porridge," Hyukjae grinned pleasantly, putting down the spoon in the empty bowl.

"No, I'm full..."

"Then take the medicine now," he said, putting some pills in Donghae's hand and a glass of water, watching in awe how the man drink it all without question, "You really just drank it like that? What if I'm trying to poison you?"

Donghae stops, looking at Hyukjae with wide eyes, "but... you wouldn't?"

"What makes you so sure? You got a nice house, nice money perhaps, and we're still married so it'll all goes to me, how are you so sure i wouldn't?" He challenged with a jerk of an eyebrow.

"Because... you said all this? And because it's you..."

"It's me huh," Hyukjae chuckled, "are you still seeing me as your old Hyukjae?"

That, was a deep question which Donghae knew he can't answer carelessly, "No... not really, i told you you're different than him. The way you react is the same, but I can't not be constantly reminded that you're not him, since you also always say things like this..."

"I see," he lets out, inhaling slowly, "that's nice, to know that you see me rather than the ghost of me."

Donghae can't say anything to that, but Hyukjae didn't wait for it, Donghae's forehead gently when he said, "go to sleep now, so you can get better soon."

Before Hyukjae greeting up from the bed, Donghae said, "can i... get a kiss, before I go to sleep?"

Hyukjae looks at him with surprise in his face, before amusement taking place, "You really using this chance to get spoiled, huh? No, you won't get any if you don't be a good boy and sleep."

Donghae pouts, mustering his best puppy look, still Hyukjae says, "No, it won't work on me, go to sleep now."

Then he left him for the kitchen, low noises filling the house again for several minutes, slowly lulling Donghae to sleep. But Hyukjae is already back into the room again when Donghae hasn't fall asleep yet, "hey, why are you still awake?"

It's only been minutes, how can I already asleep? Donghae thought, but decided to tease the man, "I haven't got a kiss..."

"Really you," Hyukjae sighing fondly, pulling out a face mask from his pocket -as if he already prepared it with that intention-, then placed it to cover Donghae's mouth before he's leaning down and kissed him. Their lips didn't even meet directly, yet Donghae's heart leaping at the kiss, finally tasting the warm of Hyukjae's lips again after so long, his chest bursting with so many feelings.

"Now, will you be a good boy and sleep?" Hyukjae whispered, to which Donghae quickly nodded while blushing, "good, have a nice dream Donghae."

Indeed Donghae have a dream after that.

--

More teasing, more daring touches and spoken innuendo in their conversation. The times when Donghae sleep in the same bed with Hyukjae increases even though his nightmare was decreasing. Sometimes Donghae brave enough to hold Hyukjae's waist and kissed his cheeks, but it's only Hyukjae who dare enough to kiss him on the lips, giggles painting their home.

Their relationship is kind of weird, tip toeing yet also daring at times, but Donghae didn't want it any less, what's more he notice Hyukjae is starting to stare at him differently. As if he's falling in love, as if he's already in love too, Donghae dares to assumed. But that's why his desires getting harder to ignore, to suppress with cold showers or other thoughts. Donghae want to touch Hyukjae, more and more, to taste the deepest part of the man, to take all of him within his embrace. But he can't, not yet at least.

That's why one night, when the moon is high up in the sky and darkness been looming for long, Donghae found himself in front of his PC so late in the night. He deemed the hours to be safe for what he's going to do, screen showing a video of people getting tangled in the sheet, heated touches and low moans filling Donghae's ears through the headphones as his hand itching downward to release some of his steam. But the thing about Hyukjae is, he's unpredictable.

Hyukjae was sleeping, but got woken up and found Donghae not yet in bed. So he gets up to scold the man thinking that Donghae is giving up sleeping again due to his nightmare. But when he opens the study room without knocking, he saw Donghae got shocked and hurriedly turning off the screen and hiding his hands under the table in panic. For a second Hyukjae was confused, got surprised too, until he realized what Donghae had been doing and heat creeping up his face.

"H- Hyukjae, why are you awake?" Donghae stutters, much in embarrassment and shame, hands discreetly pulling up his pants again although unfortunately Hyukjae see the movement too.

"It's late Donghae, i know tomorrow is the weekend and no work for us, but it's not good to stay up late like this," Hyukjae said, calm and appearing unaffected despite his face is burning and heart hammering his ribcage.

"Y-yeah, uh, I'll go to sleep in a moment," he grins, dread filling his gut when Hyukjae gives him a disapproving look.

"Now Donghae, not a moment later," he said sternly, eyes fleeting down to where Donghae's crotch must be under the table, "sleep with me tonight so you can have it better."

Donghae blinked, then blushing harder, "I don't think that's a- a good idea... I will, uh, i will sleep in my bed tonight."

Hyukjae, who's wearing a sweater to ward off the cold of the dark hallway, knows how to play his cards when he slip it off one of his shoulder, "Donghae, I'm not blind nor I am stupid, maybe I have something better for you than whatever it is playing on your screen right now."

It's impossible, but Donghae blush harder and ears deafening from how loud his blood rushing to every parts of his body, still he have some sanity present, "you're playing with me and that's not nice-"

"Truth to be told, Donghae," Hyukjae cuts in, voice tinted in impatience and embarrassment, but if he's not being bold he didn't think Donghae would dare to take a step further, "I've been waiting for you, and yet here you are, alone and cold when we can have much better, together."

He gapes dumbly, staring at Hyukjae who's smiling like an angel as if two devil horns growing on his head. Maybe Hyukjae is not so angelic after all, Donghae's deepest, dirtiest mind supplied. "I thought... it's still too soon for... you know," Donghae whispered, unknown why he's trying so hard to hold back when Hyukjae didn't even last boundaries between them. Perhaps because he's the one who's more in love than the other, and to have his dream taken away after tasting it would be too cruel to even imagine.

"It's been a little over a year since i came here, isn't it?" Hyukjae crossed his arms over his chest, the sweater still dangling off one of his shoulder, "don't you think we've been dancing around for long enough?"

"I... guess?"

"Then come, Donghae. I want this no less than you," he smiled, looking like nothing less than a homme fatale and Donghae following behind him like a moth to a flame, bewitched that he forgot to turn off his PC.

But can you blame him, when Hyukjae pressing him to the wall as soon as they got into the confine of their bedroom? The mouth over him is wet and invasive, in with persistence and hunger, almost feel like the slightly taller man is drinking him in, down to his throat. His chest caught fire, skin buzzing and hands gripping the slender waist possessively, kissing back with more thirst. He pushed forward from the wall, twirling them around so he's the one pressing Hyukjae to the wall and caging him within his arms, moans spilling out their hot mouths.

"I told you," Hyukjae breathed harshly with a to Donghae's lips, "to just do it and stop thinking too much."

"I'm afraid you'll run away from me," Donghae too, breathing harshly to Hyukjae's skin, trailing down to leave mark upon the expanse of smooth pale neck, eliciting more whine and moan from the man's gaping mouth, "You feels like summer breeze to me, fleeting and ready to disappear whenever i chase after it."

Hyukjae chuckles, yanking up the other man's shirt and pulled it off his head to kiss down the firm toned chest, at the erected s and deliberately to it to cause a shiver down Donghae's body, "still so poetic even when you're already like this?" He palmed the hardness in Donghae's pants, biting at his neck, "I was ready to leave, but do you think I'm kind enough to give my all to you just because of pity? I'm a greedy man, Donghae, i take only when i want it, and i want you. Because now, I'm here to stay, I'm not going anywhere without you."

Donghae's body is racking from the intensity of those words alone, it's loud and clear, but Donghae is also a greedy man and he wants it clearer, "do you love me, Hyukjae?"

"Tell me why is it that I found myself thinking of you in my waking hours and sleepless nights, my chest full whenever i see your smile and hear your laughter, and how I wish I could keep making you happy like that instead of feeling pain when i see you sad and hurting?" He said with a sharp exhale, pushing at Donghae's chest and keep pushing until the man fell on his back and he readily climbing up his lap and pin him there on their bed, "what is that, Donghae? What do you think?"

Isn't that love? Donghae thinks, brain melting when Hyukjae bending down to devour his lips again, slipping off his sweater and thin pajama top all the while not stop kissing from above him. It feels like the galaxy is in place again, rotating in it's course having Hyukjae on him like this and Donghae take it all, it in with nothing to be spared. Still, he moaned out when Hyukjae's lean fingers pulling down his pants, "say it, please say it Hyukjae, i want to hear you say it."

They kissed more for a moment, before Hyukjae leaning up enough to stare into Donghae's eyes, looking at the desperation and love painted on his face. Then finally, he liberated Donghae from his pain, "i love you, Donghae. I've come to love you when you drown me with yours. So take responsibility."

Donghae hiccups a cry, tears escaping his eyes despite he's smiling widely full of wonders and happiness, "i will, oh Hyukjae, i love you too, i-"

"Hush now baby, I didn't say that to make you cry," he chuckled, kissing Donghae's eyelids and his cheeks, his nose and his lips, chastely and gentle this time.

"I don't deserve this, I don't deserve you, I'm so sorry, but I'll make you happy, i will. I will protect you too, Hyukjae," Donghae cried, embracing Hyukjae tighter that the other man almost can't breathe.

He wanted to ask, to say something to what had been said, why Donghae think he didn't deserve him? But he decided he can do that later, "i will make you happy too, Donghae, I'll protect you so no nightmares can get to you anymore."

And the last whisper shared between them before they fall completely into burning desire was, "thank you... Hyuk."

---

In the lack of better words to describe it, their relationship now is closer to that of married couple. No more awkward smile nor awkward touching, Donghae learnt to just do what he wants to do but of course with Hyukjae's permission. They share a bed now and not just temporarily, kiss each other good byes before going to work, swim and play in the beach together like children. In love.

That's also why Hyukjae find himself saying, "teach me," when he see Donghae half running to him across the beach after surfing for a while.

"You want me to teach you to surf? I thought it's not your thing?" Donghae teased with a grin, rounding his free arm on Hyukjae's waist and pulls him for a soft kiss, tasting like sea and salt, but also endearment.

"Well Donghae," Hyukjae tease back, looping his arms around the other man's neck and eyes drifting between his eyes and his lips with their noses almost touching together, "why do you think the old Hyukjae want to try it too?"

It feels kind of weird to address that Hyukjae from the past, but it seems that lately the current Hyukjae is trying to decipher his old self to better understand their relationship and Donghae. But he have no real answer to that question, "I don't know? You just felt like it? Since, you got to see me surfing a lot of times you must be intrigued to try it, right?"

"Some part of it yes, I think he's a rather adventurous one, but I think there's another reason which pushed his curiosity into reality, just the same like how it is for me," he taps at Donghae's lips, pecking it softly.

"Which was...?" Donghae drawls with a jerk of an eyebrow.

"We both came to love you," Hyukjae kissed his lips, letting go to pick up the forgotten surfboard then turning around with a tender, wide smile, "so that even if we fall, we trust that you'll rise us up in the end."

Hyukjae didn't know, he was only being honest, but for Donghae those words are salvation to his soul. He looks so beautiful under the sun, speaking in his soft voice and eyes full of warmth looking at him that Donghae's chest clenching in pain, so much pain. In the next moment he already gathers all of Hyukjae within his arms, embracing him so tight it almost hurt and tears running down his cheeks silently. The other man was confused at the reaction, hugging Donghae back and patting his back to soothe him, asking why he's crying like that?

But Donghae only keep saying, "I'm sorry, Hyuk. I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. I love you Hyuk, I'm sorry."

It took Hyukjae months later to realized that Donghae separate him and the past him with 'Hyuk'. He called him by name, Hyukjae, while the him from the past with 'Hyuk', and it makes him curious why Donghae seems to have an unforgivable guilt toward the past version of him. It's easy to see in the ways Donghae often calls him Hyuk to say sorry or thanks with sorrowful face. Whatever circumstances stands between them, the wall will never be broken if Hyukjae didn't know what it is that torment Donghae so and they'll never truly be a couple in the way that they both wanted. But hidden secret never stays long and the key to unravel it was in the form of a man named Choi Siwon.

The man is a resident near their place, they met coincidently when Hyukjae was taking a walk by the beach alone since Donghae was busy with his work. Choi Siwon feels very familiar to Hyukjae, like an old photo album and in no time Hyukjae find the man's presence comforting and calming. They talk about mundane things, sometimes meeting up at a cafe and talk more to fill the empty parts of Hyukjae's amnesiac memories and he drinks it all with vigor. They feels like best friend and they get close in a very short time, so it's only normal for Hyukjae to invite him over to his home.

Although when he did, anxiety take place over the man's face and an awkward smile playing on his lips when he said, "I don't think Donghae is okay with that."

But why? Hyukjae had think initially, until his mind putting the pieces together, "does this have anything to do with why he often apologize to me for something I don't know of?"

Sadness amplifies on his face as the question was said, in the secrecy that is Hyukjae's office, the man spare no veil to the secret, "it was a misunderstanding and you got hurt because of it."

"What kind of misunderstanding?"

"You see, my wife is often very busy and go to Seoul for her job, and that leave me lonely, the same as it was with you when Donghae was busy too. We often met like this, but one time... we were too drunk and we forgot to tell him that you were with me. Perhaps he was also stretched too thin, not to mention he was also dead drunk when the incident happened, he came into a wrong conclusion and with it... He hurt you."

There's silence and Hyukjae want to ask just what kind of pain did Donghae did to him for him to be tormented like that, but in the way Siwon is looking at him leave little imagination for his assumption to be wrong, "it did involved the hospital and although you didn't stay there for too long, Donghae blames and torture himself over it until now. The misunderstanding was resolved, yet still... i do get where he's coming from, that's why he feels guilty to see you and try to avoid you as much as he can which then led him to volunteered again before he gone missing."

Then it clicked for Hyukjae, this was why they couldn't be a real couple, why Donghae was so uncertain at making him stay yet not wanting to let go. This was the answer, the guilt which killing Donghae and the reason why he thought he no longer deserving of Hyukjae's love. This is the last door for Hyukjae to open and free Donghae.

But do Hyukjae forgive him? How do he judge, when he remembers nothing of it?

--

"Where are you taking us?" Donghae breathed faster, been half running since Hyukjae pulling at his hand, "slow down-" he nearly slipped if not for the other man's hold, "Hyukjae, slow down."

Hyukjae keep walking and walking until they reached a hidden place at the beach, where he placed fireworks and a lantern previously in the day. Then he lets go of Donghae's hand, giving him the chance to catch his breathing and he's pulling out a lighter from his pocket, sitting down beside the other man on the sand.

"What are you doing?" Donghae asked with a huff, finally settling down his breathing.

"Celebrating," he said simply, dividing the fireworks equally for both of them, "look Donghae, the sky is beautiful with so many stars."

Donghae look up, mouth gasping in reflex from so much wonders and awe, eyes wide to take it all in. The dark sky is so beautiful with so many stars, like white sand on black paper, purple and blue mixing together like galaxy, pouring colorful light upon them. He often see the starry sky, full of diamonds unlike the one in the city, but somehow that night the sky look more beautiful and breathtaking, so clear and full and mesmerizing. Maybe because Hyukjae is here with him, without fear of losing him again because he's here to stay.

But, "what's the occasion?"

"If the old me want to become a star, then I'll make my own stars," Hyukjae smiled, flipping the lighter then the fire glowing in the dark, the soft light touching some part of his beautiful face before more sparkles filling his round, dark eyes when the fireworks spitting small stars.

Beautiful, Donghae thinks as he sees Hyukjae staring at the fireworks in his hand with gentle eyes, like unspoken secret yet warm and waiting, the darkness around them feels accompanying, "that's your stars?"

"It's small, but there's many of them too, jumping out like a fleeting dance before the end of the stick. Maybe easy to forget, but it doesn't have to be so bright nor big to be remembered, does it? Little or big, it depends on us to remember or forget, and we want the good things to stay with the special people."

Donghae's heart kicked his ribcage, as if realizing the words was spoken with a certain intention. Then there's a stick of firework being put into his hand by Hyukjae, his gentle smile ever present when he lit them and Donghae is holding the stars too, "look at your stars, Donghae, they're pretty."

He look at it, mesmerized, but more than that he's thinking, wondering and anxiety rising in his chest, "why?"

"Because this will be the last and the first page for you, Donghae."

Again, his heart kicking in slight fear, "the last of what...?"

"Your guilt, your ghost with mine," Hyukjae smiled, focusing more to his second firework than seeing the turmoil in Donghae's dark eyes.

"You know...?" He whispered, pain, so much pain in his voice, of shame, guilt, fear and everything mixing into one.

"I know," Hyukjae answered in equal whisper, "I can't say it's okay or it's not okay, the fact was you hurt him, me. But from what I know, he tried to make you stay, he didn't let you go despite it, he forgave you, Donghae."

"No, but I-"

"That doesn't make it alright, you made mistake, but you regrets it and that's enough. You can remember the pain, the guilt so you'll not do it again, but stop blaming yourself when he never did blame you," Hyukjae said firmly, yet calm and flowing like water.

Donghae stay silent, so many thoughts, emotions and shadows storming in his eyes and heart. He lowers his head to hide, not wanting to be seen by Hyukjae, "is it right, for me to be happy when I've hurt him like that?"

"Am I not him, still? I didn't make this decision based on the stories I've heard from people, and I know I can't ask about it to our parents because they was never told about it. There are glimpses which i could see, feel or hear in my mind, sometimes i can touch them and I can see you, feel your person and hear the gentle voice which belongs to you. And that's how I can feel it that the past me, forgave you, Donghae."

When Donghae didn't look up nor answer, Hyukjae kneeling to embrace the man, holding him so close, draping his weight on the thicker body, "why being so hard on yourself, Donghae, when he forgave you?"

His body trembling under Hyukjae, a cry racking out of his chest along with ragged inhales, "i love you, so much, but what I did- nothing can justify the way i forced myself on you. I couldn't and I shouldn't stop-"

"Shh," Hyukjae hushed him gently, "bear those guilt for your redemption Donghae, if you think you must, but stop blaming yourself when it's all in the past and forgiven. If you are stuck in that past, then you're also keep hurting me with the memory which I chose to forget, you don't want that, do you? Pay for your mistake by moving forward and be the better person you wish you were."

"Memory... you chose to forget?" Donghae finally look up, face marred with tears, eyes red and swollen.

"I think so, the doctors says there was nothing wrong with my brain and everything that I've forgotten might be because of my own person, that I don't want to remember it and start over with you. Because you're too stubborn, even when he forgave you, you didn't listen, so the only way for us to find our way back together is to start over again, right?"

"Is that- how it is?" Donghae hiccups, chest burning tight.

"Just my own guess, but he's still me, right? I think that's how it was," Hyukjae shrugged, gathering Donghae in his arms so the other man is practically cradled on his lap, "come baby, listen to me. He chose to forget so we can start over, but more than that, he trust you. He knows that I'll fall in love again with you no matter what because he trust you. So can you, please, trust him because he have forgiven you?"

Donghae cried on Hyukjae's chest, face buried and wetting the other man's shirt, never letting go of his embrace. Until his cry subsiding and small hiccups jumping out his throat, Hyukjae keep smiling and his back gently, soothing and reassuring, patient.

"I love you, Hyuk, I'm sorry," Donghae whispered to Hyukjae's neck.

"He knows, i know," Hyukjae said softly.

"I love you Hyukjae," Donghae added, a small cry spilling out again before he's settling his breathing.

"I love you too Donghae, before and from now on, i love you," he kissed the man's forehead, to his temple then his cheek.

"Thank you... Hyukjae," he breathed out, exhausted and embarrassed from crying like that, but most importantly his burden feels like it's been lifted up and he can breathe easier again.

"Now, to close this chapter let us lit these fireworks, and to welcome the new chapter with me, let us fly the lantern to the starry sky, how about it?" Hyukjae grinned, wiping the tears away from Donghae's face with so much fondness, kissing his lips chastely.

Whatever you want Hyukjae, "I will follow."

And amidst the calming silence between them, Donghae could hear Hyukjae's voice from a faraway memory.

'Here! Here we will open the new chapter Hae! Our new life!'

Enough tears? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)