You would have been twenty-one today. I would have woken you up early (by early I mean eight thirty which isn't really even that early for me or for any other reasonable person, but it would have been early for you). You would have complained, grumbling, shoving me off your bed, and burying your head into your pillow with your nose scrunched up in that cute way you always used to scrunch it when I was 'too bubbly'. You would have complained, but you would have given in eventually, you would have gotten up and followed me downstairs because you always did give in to me in the end.

I would have made you chocolate chip pancakes with cute shapes, but they would have been unrecognizable blobs because we both know you are better at this than I am. But you would have smiled and played along when I told you that the blobs were a heart, mickey mouse, and an elephant. You would have eaten the heart last and gotten chocolate smeared on the corner of your mouth.

We would have spent the day lazing around the apartment with Jisoo and Jennie making fun of us for being silly. You would have talked me into watching at least one Disney movie, and I would have somehow talked my way into your pants. It would have been perfect.

Tonight we would have gone out to the club we always went to with our members and you would have finally bought me that drink you always used to talk about. The one you never could buy me because you used to spin at the club so the bartenders knew exactly how old you were and they took a great deal of amusement in not letting you slide your fake past them. We would have danced closely surrounded by our friends, the pounding music, and the heat, and your hands would have never left my hips.

Your hands should never have left my hips.

Tonight we would have called a taxi- because we always did call a taxi instead of calling our manager, or trusted Jisoo unnie not to drink, because you always did trust so easily with me- and we would have gotten home late.

But today I'm painfully sober because you aren't here to buy me that drink, it's eight twenty in the morning and I'm trying so hard not to think about how the light creeping through my window and landing on the empty side of my bed should be landing on your sleeping face. Your head should be on my shoulder, and your arms should be around my waist- your hands on my hips.

Your hands should never have left my hips.

Today if I stay in bed for too long (by too long I mean until nine thirty which isn't really even that late for me or any other reasonable person, but it's late given what day it is) Jisoo or Jennie unnie will come in and check on me. If I'm still in bed either of them will suggest we go to visit a Park, but I've already made that mistake.

One year ago when you would have been twenty, I let Jisoo unnie drive me to the cemetery. She cried, but I couldn't. It didn't feel like you, don't get me wrong, your grave is beautiful. It's white granite,