“Kun, I think you would feel better if you get a shower.” Lucas, the only one who stayed even close to sober the previous night, is perched beside Kun who is draped over the arm of the couch. He’s been in the same position for ten minutes, and groaning, and muttering curses about vodka.

“I’m fine. My head just feels like it was hit by a train and my eyes burn.”

Lucas takes that to mean that Kun needs to be picked up, or maybe he just likes to be the one in charge, the one taking care of Kun, for once. The oldest boy is always the one in charge, making sure that the rest of the members having everything they need, get to wherever they need to go, and have the most emotional support possible. It took one night of everyone getting trashed and being the only one semi-sober for Lucas to realize that it shouldn’t always be that way.

“You didn’t have to carry me to the shower,” Kun says when Lucas sits him down on the bench seat at the back of the huge walk-in shower in the room that Kun shares with Yangyang and Xiaojun.

“I know I didn’t, but I wanted to take care of you. You always take care of everyone and no one ever takes care of you.”

“I’m the oldest. I don’t need someone to take care of me.”

“You do. And… Do you remember what you said to me last night before we went to sleep?”

Kun shakes his head and runs his hands through his hair. “Not really. Last night, in general, is a little blurry.”

Lucas takes a seat beside him on the seat. “You said that no one loves you.”

Kun’s face turns a wild shade of red. He hangs his head. “I was drunk,” he says dismissively.

“You know what everyone says about being drunk. You say and do things that you wouldn’t do when you’re sober. It takes away the fear to just put it out there.” Lucas lays a long arm over Kun’s shoulders and pulls him closer. “For the record, Kun, I love you. We all love you.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m Kunmama. Everyone loves me because I do everything around the dorm and cook food.”

“Kun, that’s not fair,” Lucas says in a soft, sad tone. He rests his head on Kun’s shoulder. “That’s not fair and it’s not true. We love you because we love you, Kun. You’re amazing.” He nuzzles his face against his neck. “You are… kind and caring and beautiful.”

Kun turns his face toward him and Lucas lifts his head, looking into Kun’s eyes. “I love you, Kun. I mean it,” he whispers.

Kun leans in and their lips touch for a second, warm and soft, but fleeting. Lucas’ breath hitches in his throat and Kun pulls away. “I’m sorry,” Kun blurts, scuttling away from him. He’s on his feet, ready to bolt for the open shower doors when Lucas grabs his wrist and drags him back down.

“Don’t be sorry,” he says, pulling Kun’s face to his. Their lips meet again, soft and warm, but this time the moment lingers on, so long that Kun must push Lucas away.

“What’s wrong?” Lucas asks, breathless. “I’m okay, Kun. I want you to kiss me.” He leans toward him again and Kun places his hand in the middle of his chest, pushing him back. Lucas frowns and scoots away from him. “If you don’t want to kiss me, that’s fine.”

“Lucas, don’t. It’s not that. We, well, I, need to shower.”

“Oh… right. I guess I’ll leave you to it then.” Lucas stands up and starts off, but Kun’s hand around his wrist stops him.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, turning back. “You need something? A towel or wash cloth?”

“Some help?”

“Help?”

Kun drops his hand away from Lucas’ wrist and pulls his shirt over his head. He walks to the shower opening and tosses the shirt out onto the floor. “Help me,” he repeats, curling his hands under the hem of Lucas’ t-shirt. Lucas leans forward, so Kun can pull the shirt off.

As soon as his shirt hits the floor, he grabs Kun and gently pushes him against the back wall of the shower. Kun stares into his eyes with an intensity that makes Lucas’ stomach flip. He fumbles with the buckle on his own shorts and shoves them down. He leans toward Kun to kiss him while he pushes down Kun’s pajama pants. He feels Kun shift in front of him, their lips never breaking, while Kun steps out of his pants. Lucas steps out of his shorts and kicks them away.

Kun is , Lucas standing in his boxers. Their chests touch, barely, and they can’t stop kissing. Lucas won’t let him stop.

Eventually, they’re both completely and Kun forces Lucas to stop kissing him, so they can turn the water on and shower, as intended. He expects Lucas to argue, to keep kissing him. He probably wouldn’t stop him, wouldn’t really want to. Lucas is gorgeous and kissing him feels good. He hasn’t kissed someone since… He can’t even remember the last time he kissed someone. He’s sure he’s never kissed someone like this, never with their bodies just barely touching one another. He’s never felt this kind of passion and, if he stops to think about it, he’s shocked that it’s Lucas that has him feeling this way. Never in a million years would he imagine this happening.

Instead of stopping him, Lucas pushes him gently under the water. He grabs a bottle of shampoo and starts to massage it into Kun’s black hair. Kun hums and leans back against the taller man’s chest. Lucas lets out a pleased little laugh. “Feels good?”

“Mmhmm. It feels good. It’s helping my headache. Thank you, Lucas.”

“You’re welcome, Kun.”

Their shower lasts twenty minutes and features a few more kisses. Lucas can’t resist and as long as they’re at least making an effort to shower, Kun lets it slide. They kiss some more while they dry off. Lucas seems to enjoy drying Kun’s hair. He giggles when wet strands fly around Kun’s forehead. Kun lets him have his fun because Lucas’ happiness is contagious. He’s smiling more than he’s smiled in months. The stress of schedules and SM politics melt away with the melody of Lucas’ laughter.

They get dressed quickly, knowing that the others are waiting for them. Lucas is the first to the door of the bedroom, trying to be responsible, stop wasting their time, though he’d rather stay locked up kissing Kun for the rest of the day.

Kun slides his hand into his just as Lucas grasps the door with his other hand. “Lucas, wait a second.”

Lucas’ hand falls away from the door and he turns to give Kun his full attention. “Kun, if we start kissing again, I might not be able to stop.” He chuckles to let Kun know he’s mostly joking. He won’t risk the rest of their day to irresponsibly stay cooped up kissing him.

Kun grins at him, charmed by Lucas’ sweet laughter. “Lucas, you’re going to have me wrapped around your finger.”

“That sounds filthy.” Lucas wiggles his eyebrows.

Kun smacks his chest. “That’s not what I meant. It’s a figure of speech.”

“I know it is. I’m just joking. Why’d you pull me back? Did you want to kiss me again? I was joking about not being able to stop as long as you can resist these lips.” Lucas puckers up and smacks a few kisses at Kun.

Kun doesn’t think he could, not now, when he’s still hungover, still thinking of his drunken admission. He has been lonely, wishing he had someone to love and to love him. Lucas is the most unlikely person for the job, but somehow perfect.

Kun brushes Lucas’ sharp jawline with his thumb, and his hand trails down onto his neck. “Thank you for this. Thank you for taking care of me and for… showing me that I’m loved.” He leans in and presses his lips to Lucas’ plump soft ones. “If you told me yesterday that I’d be kissing you today and loving it, I would have told you that you were crazy.”

“I get that.” Lucas nods with an easygoing understanding. “I don’t think anyone will believe that you’ve been kissing me and loving it.” At that, he grins, and his cheeks even go a little pink.

“About that…” Kun caresses his neck and kisses him once more to soften the blow of what he’s about to say. “I don’t… think that we should tell anyone about this, about what we’ve done. I mean, I’m not even sure what to do about what we’ve done.” He wants to keep doing this, but that could get dangerous. Dating is against company rules. Being gay is against everyone’s rules. The company is insane… People are judgmental…

“Oh, that’s okay! I mean I get it.” Lucas pulls his neck away from Kun’s hand. Kun hadn’t realized that he’d been absently caressing his neck with his thumb. He lets his hand fall to his side and watches as Lucas stalks across the room. Lucas is rambling. “I mean, it’s like… Sometimes you do a thing that you love in the moment. Like when you’re a kid and you spin and spin in circles –”

“You did that last week.”

Lucas frowns for a second before rushing on with his ramblings. “It’s like last week when I spun and spun around in circles. It was awesome while I was doing it and I was loving it while I was doing it. But then I stopped, and I was so dizzy that I fell over and knocked Yangyang over in the process and he knocked his knee on the coffee table and cried and I felt really bad. Plus, I felt like I was going to vomit. So, yeah, I get it. I was loving that while I was doing it, but afterward I realized that there were consequences and I probably shouldn’t have done it.”

Kun realizes that Lucas looks a little manic and crosses the room quickly to take hold of his hand. “Lucas, stop talking.”

“But I get it. I get it and it’s fine.”

“You don’t get it. This isn’t about not wanting to kiss you again. I loved the feeling I got every time you kissed me. This is actually about the fact that I want to keep kissing you and I want you to wash my hair again. I want to shower with you every time we need to shower. I’m just worried about it. I’m the oldest and the leader. It’s my job to worry about the consequences of everything.”

“Why are you worried about it? What do you think is going to happen? Do you think that if the group finds out that they won’t be happy about it? That they’ll be mad? You do know that Ten and Kunhang have had , right?”

Kun looks like he wants to throw up. “WHAT?! No, I didn’t know that! What?!”

Lucas’ eyes are like saucers. “Um, forget I said that. Either way, um, no one will care that you kissed me.” He throws his hands in the air and awkwardly chuckles.

“I feel like I’m going to puke.”

“Do not puke, please.” Lucas jumps back a step as if to clear the way for Kun’s forthcoming vomit.

“Ten and…” Kun shivers. “I did not need to know that.”

“Kun, it’s not a big deal. It doesn’t matter. Do you understand the point I was trying to make?”

After a moment of making sick faces and vague heaving noises, Kun nods. “I understand the point you were trying to make. I’m not really worried about the group. I just don’t want to tell them, because I don’t want anyone to know. If the company finds out…”

“Ten and Kunhang have…”

“Do not talk about them!”

“Sorry, but it’s been a while and the company hasn’t found out, so…”

“So, I didn’t know about that! What’s your point?”

“Oh, that’s… Am I the only one that knows about them?” Lucas hums as if he’s really thinking it over. “Yeah, never mind. I might be the only one that knows about them. You don’t want to know how I found out about it.”

“I really don’t.” Kun takes a seat on the end of his bed. He’s feeling a little overwhelmed. He thought that Lucas would argue with him on this point, but he didn’t think he would cite Ten and Kunhang’s life as a reason to be open about it. He didn’t think that Kunhang had a life. Thought Kun would never admit it out loud, lest he never shed the “Kunmama” name, he thinks of Kunhang as one of his children! His children should not be having under his roof. Well, it’s not his roof, but in the dorm where he also lives. “The company can’t know about this. I don’t know what they would do if they found out. Can we please just keep it between the two of us for now, Lucas, please?”

Lucas joins him on the end of the bed. He doesn’t say anything for a moment. Kun can tell he’s trying to think of what to say. The fact that the corner of his mouth keeps tugging up into a lopsided grin has Kun worried. “I would prefer that. I mean, if you want to bring another guy into the shower with us, though… Can it be Sich – Ow!” Lucas cackles and grabs his arm after Kun slaps him. “I’m joking. I’m joking.”

“You’re a ert.”

“I was joking, but also it’s Sicheng, Kun.” He rolls his eyes. “The whole world is obsessed with Sicheng. He’s gorgeous.”

Kun nods. He’ll give him that. It’s the absolute truth. “Seriously, Lucas… You’re okay with this?”

“Okay with kissing you and not telling anyone about it? And washing your hair and eventually having shower with you? But not having anyone bother me about it… Yes, I’m okay with that.”

“Shower ?” Kun arches his brow at him.

“Shower , Kun.”

“Shower ,” Kun parrots, nodding.

A moment passes between them. Kun is still nodding like a bobble head. Lucas is grinning. “You’re thinking about having shower with me, aren’t you?”

Lucas wails with laughter when Kun’s cheeks go marvelously red. His laughter abruptly stops when Kun shoves him off the bed and stands up. “Kun…”

Kun walks to the door.

“Kun… You’re thinking about it, aren’t you!?”

Kun opens the door.

“Kun!”

“Shut up or it’s never happening.”

Kun walks into the hall, swinging the door closed behind him.

Lucas lies in a heap on the floor where he landed when Kun shoved him. He grins like an idiot. Secret or not, he could not be happier to have this thing with Kun.

He jumps up from the floor and runs out the door, shouting Kun’s name.

“Never happening!” Kun shouts back at him.

Lucas laughs, and shouts, “We’ll see about that!”