Yunho would never consider himself as a coward, but that moment when he saw Jaejoong sitting behind the table in the café, he thought it’s time for you to let go of his heart and move on. He shouldn’t have watched his ex-bandmate like he’s a certified stalker. Honestly, Yunho shouldn’t have done much more than staring through the glass of the window.

At his thirties, Yunho found it fragile and impossibly rare to see someone like Jaejoong being alone in the cold world, but when he looked at his reflection, he saw the same broken man.

It was a sudden move, and Yunho jerked away from the window when Jaejoong looked at him. The haze of his mind is already gone. Their eyes met in a silent surprise. Was he a coward for being too anxious to step inside the building? Well, this time he looked more like a freak who’s watching his prey from a distance.

Jaejoong raised his hand, waved him with a smile, shattered Yunho’s soul into pieces and finally, turned his gaze away. Why on Earth would someone wanted to be this delicate, and opened to human’s cruelty?

Maybe Yunho was difficult with himself.

Fighting the feeling that Jaejoong could be that one star he desired to orbit, Yunho shook his head and stepped away from the window. Life didn’t play games, life crated it. Rules were for fools like Yunho, while fighters like Jaejoong always found a way through the wall, no matter what. It drove Yunho crazy. The surrounding looked static, like a picture and for a moment Yunho forgot he should move, or start to perceive the world around him.

A knock on the glass from the other side woke up Yunho from his daydreaming. He blinked away the misty haze from his eyes only to see Jaejoong standing behind the window – so scarily close, that Yunho’s heart almost skipped a beat. Then Jaejoong breathed on the glass, and with his finger, he wrote a short backward massage. Come in?

So impossibly fragile and loving.

Yunho wanted to die while protecting Jaejoong from the entire universe.

“Can I?” Yunho mouthed the words, but Jaejoong gave him a confused look.

Like two children Yunho thought when his hot breath touched the smooth surface. The world must’ve frozen in time because nobody jumped at him for being inappropriate in public, not even the owner of the café. Maybe Jaejoong’s presence was strong enough to enchant everyone. Or maybe, just perhaps, was Yunho difficult with himself again.

Can I?

Jaejoong’s face brightened after he read the words. His eyes shone through the thick wall that was separating them and Yunho, for the first time in years felt like there’s something more than waking up every day and live for other people than for himself. Dreams were made to be followed, and Jaejoong stepped on the path of becoming a singer not to be with him. It was cringy to call himself a side product, but then, Jaejoong was also just a side product on his path.

Of course, you silly. Jaejoong called from the café, and for some reason, Yunho was able to hear him clearly. Nobody asked who they were, what they were doing, and what for they came. Yunho returned the soft smile, and being fueled by a strange desire, he almost pressed his palm against the cold glass so he could pretend he touched Jaejoong the way nobody else did before.

**

When Yunho walked into the café, Jaejoong was sitting at his previous place with a cup of coffee. The desire to run his fingers through the solid gold of Jaejoong’s hair and press a wet kiss on his forehead that would remain on the flawless skin like a brand mark, was so intense then Yunho couldn’t move from the spot by the door. It looked comically, to see a grown man hesitate as if Jaejoong was about to judge his whole life.

“Yunho.”

What was going on in Jaejoong’s head? He wanted to know desperately. For someone who was always a nervous ball of wool, Jaejoong was steady, looking at Yunho like he’s a precious gem among rocks. It pounded in Yunho’s veins, in his heart and lungs like drums, driving him insane. If Jaejoong was fragile outside, Yunho’s shell was solid as steel, but inside his soul was small, yet so heavy that a black hole could get envy.

“Why are you,” Jaejoong asked, suddenly nervous, “standing there?”

“I don’t?” his voice cracked at the very end, “I’m just…”

“Being difficult. We can go back to drawing on the window if you want.”

Yunho opened his mouth, but before he could form a proper answer, a waitress excused herself and told him to sit down or leave. For a minute, Yunho though he’s dreaming. People ignored him or were treating him like a normal human being, yet Jaejoong was still there, looking like a Greek God sitting on a throne.

“She’s nervous because of you,” Jaejoong nodded at the woman who paid Yunho a deadly glare, “seems like she didn’t recognize you.”

“At least someone,” with a heavy sigh, Yunho finally moved from his spot. Walking was a good price for someone who’s legs felt icicles.

“It’s nice to see you,” Jaejoong smiled, looking at him from the almost empty cup, “when I spotted you outside, I thought the waitress wants to drug me.”

“I felt the same, expect the whole thing with drugging,” no that didn’t make sense, “I’m just very nervous right now. I’m sure you can see that.”

“Are you going to do some push-ups?” When the laugh reached Yunho’s ears, it felt like traveling in time; still, the same person only Jaejoong’s heart has changed.

“I’m not doing that anymore, I’ve learned how to manage stress.”

“I see.”

Expect nothing, they say, but Yunho was too far away from the border he crossed just a second ago. Traveling in time was possible only in the speed of light, and Yunho was sure that by looking into Jaejoong eyes, he could cross the whole galaxy.

“It’s incredible, I—“ Yunho shook his head, looking for words, “that we’re here, alone after so many years, and nobody gives a damn.”

Jaejoong laughed at that, “you should order something, or she’s going to summon a demon to possess you.”

“She’s that scary.”

After ordering coffee to himself and a cup of tea for Jaejoong, Yunho found it easier to blend into the conversation with Jaejoong when the scary waitress is no longer glaring at him. All the years, Yunho has been thinking about how awkward this moment would be and that the Roka meeting was just a great example of his fear. What Yunho truly needed was a peaceful place without fans, cameras, and curious eyes.

“I hope you’re not mad anymore,” Jaejoong asked, stirring his black tea, “times have changed.”

“No, no…” the past was so close to them, that Yunho heard it already knocking on the door, “look, Jaejoong-ah, I…”

The spell was broken so fast by just saying Jaejoong’s name loud on a pubic place that Yunho felt his throat closing. He was relieved. No anger or stress, no anxiety, only pure joy, and happiness. Clasping his hands in silent prayer, Yunho closed his eyes to recollect his thoughts. He had to process that everything that was happening was real and not only in his head.

“You came for a different reason,” Yunho put his hands down on the table, “I understand that.”

“What do you mean?”

That innocent little wrinkle between Jaejoong’s eyebrows when he frowned, even that unintentional gentle pout when Jaejoong was concentrating – all of that was flooding Yunho’s mind with nostalghia. He felt like waking up from amnesia.

“You came for something else, not for me, and that’s actually crazy. It’s absurd to think you weren’t made for me.” Yunho spurred out the first think on his mind.

“We’re made for ourselves. Nobody owns your life, Yunho.”

“But we should,” Yunho insisted, “own each other like that because it’s right. Is it a sin when you feel in the marrow of your bone that this is God’s truth?”

Jaejoong chuckled at that, but then his smile disappeared behind the cup of tea. If there was something Yunho was more than happier to admit to himself, then it was his desire for the older man. The problematic part consisted of saying it aloud. Not in a million years, Yunho would say it straight into Jaejoong’s eyes that he longs for his body like an animal.

 “You’re a poet, but tell me, honestly,” Jaejoong put his forearms on the table and leaned across it, “what are you thinking about?”

Hypnotized by the plump lips, Yunho’s mind was drifting away. He wished, dreamed, and wanted to feel the shape of Jaejoong’s lips more than see it. Kissing you, that’s all Yunho thought.

“Let’s pretend,” Jaejoong whispered, “that we’re two strangers. What would you tell me?”

“No,” Yunho shook his head, laughing at himself, “just no.”

“Come on.”

“What would you say?”

“Don’t. Yunho, just say what you want.”

In his mind, Yunho had hundred of answers, but only one has made it on his tongue. He was indeed a coward that didn’t deserve Jaejoong to spare him a glance. The close memory of Jaejoong watching him through the window seemed to be the peak of Yunho’s imagination because, after that, he shot blindly in the pitch-black night.

“I’d ask your name.”

“It’s Jaejoong.”

“Then, I’d ask you, if you’re alone…”

“Completely.”

“I’d ask you what do you like.” Yunho felt his eyes closing. It was impossible to listen to Jaejoong and look at him at the same time.

“You.”

“Why are you like this?” Yunho rested his head against his palm, “I feel so absurd.”

“What’s your name?”

Yunho bit his bottom lip in anticipation, “Yunho.”

“What do you like?”

Jaejoong kept crashing against the big wall in Yunho’s head. No matter how hard he tried to find a way how to climb it, Yunho was up there shoving him down. He was scared of too many things to let Jaejoong have the key.

“I know I’m difficult, just—“

“You’re not difficult,” Jaejoong put his hand on Yunho’s, “and I’m not here to judge you. In the end, you didn’t come here for me, I’m just a side product of your decision to have a coffee.”

Yunho wanted to laugh, and so, after few second of surpassing the desire, he did. “I can’t believe we’re here talking in ing riddles.” He felt Jaejoong observing him. Yunho was sure he’s thinking about another way how to break him.

“What do you want?”

“You?” Yunho asked, dumbfounded, just like before when he didn’t mean to ask a question. “I’m sorry, I mean… and You?”

“You.”

**

When Yunho opened his eyes, the glass wall was back in his field of vision. Jaejoong was not sitting there anymore, only a cup of coffee remained like a tombstone of his previous existence. Soon the waiters came to clean the table and walked away. He had one chance, but instead of that, he had chosen to dream a dream of thousands of nights. He was indeed a fool – a coward. Would it be like this? If he didn’t take the chance that night? Looking like an idiot who lost the rest of his sanity while staring at the empty seat at café?

This pathetic man could’ve been him.

Probably.

“What did you imagine?” Yunho’s eyes widened. He turned his head to meet Jaejoong’s amused look.

“You’re late.”

“Who are you looking at?” Jaejoong punched his shoulder playfully, “come on, or you’re eating alone today.”

“You’re late,” Yunho repeated impatiently, trying to change the topic. He didn’t need to be considered as an unlimited .

“I’m never late.”

“You’re always late,” Yunho snorted, “all the goddamn time.”

“Well, if I’m late, then you’re always too early.”

That was not even funny anymore. Three years ago, when Yunho met Jaejoong in the café, he would never say that the path he would choose at the end will be the side one.

“That doesn’t even make sense!” Yunho laughed.

“I know one time I wasn’t late!” Jaejoong turned swiftly, walking backward, so he could face Yunho, “guess when?”

Yunho chuckled at that. It was so impossible to not love Jaejoong for who he was. He wanted to reach him and let him lead them blindly wherever the hell Jaejoong wanted. Even when the world showed them its back, Yunho’s shield was always steady and ready. Though Jaejoong would be late even for his own funeral, he was not late for their wedding, and that was all that mattered to Yunho.

“So?” Jaejoong asked, with a delightful sparkle in his eyes. Yunho bit his tongue and looked away in amusement which made Jaejoong whine in annoyance. “Don’t be difficult.”

“No.”

I always want you, Yunho whispered into Jaejoong’s blond hair when he wrapped his arm around his husband’s shoulders, pulling him closer to his body.

Always.

_________________

I so wanted to make a idiot out of myself in this, but look, i've made just an idiot.