He’s back again. After a long day at work, he found himself back at the café where they ended. It was late, he arrived about half an hour before the place closed. He could hear the sigh of the cashier – fighting the urge to throw Jooheon out but instead flashed him a tired smile – as she rang up his order. He sat down at a table by the window, wondering for a brief moment what the chances of seeing his ex-girlfriend here.

  Though he doubted it. Jooheon had basically taken her heart and ripped it to pieces here, at the very café where they first met. He had sat there, watched her cry, trying to comfort her with words he picked up from some TV show.

  “It will be okay,” he had told her, patting her awkwardly on the shoulder. He wasn’t sure where the line was during a break up. He wasn’t even sure if he was saying the right things. “You’re going to find someone else better. I know you will”

  “How could you do this?” she wailed, garnering the attention of nearby customers. He remembered it being on a Friday night, and there were a couple students along with a few couples in the café. He remembered a handful people throwing him looks, but he was too tired from practice to care.

  “How could you? You told me that nothing would change,” she said, through her tears. Her hand trying to wipe them as fast as they fall. “You told me, we’ll still be together even when you debut. Now- now, they’ve only put you in a group and you’re already leaving me!”

  He opened his mouth to say something, but all that came out was a line that he still regretted to this day, “It’s not you, it’s me. I need to focus on my training if I ever want the company to choose me for-”

  The rest of his argument fell away, when she stood up abruptly, shaking her head, “You just- I can’t-”

  She took a deep breath, looking at him with such a lost, heartbroken yet determined look, “I hate you.”

  His heart tightened at the sight, as he tried to find the right words, “You’re going to find-”

  “Don’t. Just,” she said in a hushed whisper. She grabbed her things and walked out, leaving Jooheon with an aching heart of his own. He sat there, a part of him foolishly thought she would come back, or at least waited for him outside. A part of him wanted him to come back. She had been there through all the crap he suffered at the company, his stress reliever. The one that would comfort him when no one else could, and she just left.

  And it was his fault.

  Jooheon didn’t remember how long he sat there, barely remembered getting up and leave himself. He did remember reaching the dorm where Hyunwoo and Hyungwon were discussing possible stage names. He remembered walking past them both and flopped down in his bed. He remembered one of them asking if he was okay – they both knew what he had planned to do. He could only nod, unable to find the right words.

  He remembered finally breaking down in the middle of the night and letting the tears fall. He didn’t think anyone was awake then, but Hyunwoo came over and comforted him. In that moment, Jooheon learned the pain of heartbreak for the first time.

  Now, whenever he feels that the idol life has taken a toll on him, he’d return back to that café. Where they started. Where they ended. Where they spent hours just talking about nothing and everything. Doubting yet hoping that he could at least catch a glimpse of her once more. Just to know that she’s doing fine. That she wasn’t sick. That she was happy.

  He hoped that she would finally forgive him for ending things the way he did. He hoped that she would remember him just as he remembers her. With such fondness that his heart still ached from time to time.

I'm still in that place, lingering and crying - Kyuhyun

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