Hyejin fell in love for the first time in her life on the winter of her twentieth year. It was something new to her—but something very powerful. It was a love that shattered everything she stood for and crushed her to tiny pieces, scattering what was left on her on the ground or anywhere she was at. It was love that broke massive parts of her life.

 

 

However, the person Hyejin fell in love with happens to be a woman. Who is four years older than she is. And also, married. This is not about how miraculous everything went, but this is how I discovered what Hyejin is and what she really is about.

 

 

Hyejin is the youngest daughter of a family living in Jeonju. Her father is a farmer in the countryside and she has two sisters. Hyejin— “Hwasa” as what she would like to be called on stage was a trainee in a struggling entertainment company where I’m also under. She was an artist who is just about to start her career but she is the most passionate artist I have ever seen. I have come to a conclusion that nothing will ever come in between her and her love for music.

 

 

When Hyejin graduated in high school, she auditioned at the company I’m signed at. It was very unusual for someone that young to have an impact to such significant people. The President said that there was something about Hyejin that made him sure that she will be successful.

 

 

That moment, I know that I would grow fond of this girl.

 

 

She was at the peak of her career when she told me that she wanted out. She wanted out of the top, she wanted out of the spotlight, she wanted out of the scene. She told me that there is no purpose of her staying, that other artists could provide what she was giving the people. Of course not. No other human being could provide what Hyejin has provided me.

 

 

She was everything this mediocre world could not give me.

 

 

Hyejin is peculiar, in a good way. She is too innocent for this world. She is set in her ways but once you start to talk to her, she would be unstoppable. However, she is timid once she doesn’t want to get along with the one she is hanging out with. She barely opens , at all. But she is a hopeless romantic, she believes in fairytale endings as much as she believes that she can change the world with her music. She once told me that the life she will marry in a castle-like place or she would find a castle herself.

 

 

Everything needs to be perfect. As what she would always tell me.

 

 

Solar was the name Hyejin fell in love with. Her name is as pretty as her face. She is sweet and a sunshine for the sky.

 

 

.

 

 

Hyejin is my sky.

 

 

Solar was married to another artist turned producer in my company. She was an A-list actress. Albeit, her happy marriage life, as what other people think, Solar and her husband has no child. She is fluent in several languages to make everything worse than it is. She dresses like a doll, maybe she simply just looks like one. She is already in her late twenties but she looks like she is in her early twenties.

 

 

However, I never really liked Solar. My friend used to date her and told me that the reason they broke up is because she is a devil in a sheep’s clothes. Solar can use her innocent face to get what she wants without even lifting a finger. It was then told that I was a target of hers until she got married.

 

 

The two of them met at the company’s official Christmas Party, Solar’s husband, Eric, was with the other producers and Hyejin was sitting alone on the farthest table from the center. She has this badass image that the company built for her, a party goer hyper artist, but everyone in the company knows that Hyejin is a very shy woman. She can only return simple gestures and conversation but she is unlikely to participate in a public conversation, more so a party.

 

 

“Are you having a good time?” Solar, as what Hyejin told me, said as she sat beside her and smiled warmly, making her inside tingle. Waking something inside her up.

 

 

“Not really…” Hyejin shyly answers, warmness creeps into her cheeks but aren’t visible because of the lights.

 

 

“I thought you were a party goer. Maybe I was wrong.” Solar apologized and held her hand.

 

 

At that very moment, Hyejin’s stoic appearance suddenly changes as an unfamiliar feeling creeps into her cheeks, making different parts of her body warm. Even making her body pulsate in a way she is not even familiar with.

 

 

And just by looking at the same Hyejin I know, an unidentifiable expression is visible on her face, it is not something I know. It is not something I know of. It is not something I want her to look at another person.

 

 

Hyejin is finally in love, but not with me.

 

 

I debuted before Hyejin and on weekends, she would come over to my place, then she will let me critic drafts of her songs. However, none of her lyrics were made into songs. It’s not that they are terrible, they are pretty good actually. It’s just that she is not satisfied with how her lyrics turned out. I would like to tell everyone that Hyejin and I are very alike.

 

 

Writing songs come natural to us, the same as our aura on stage. Whenever we have free time, we would settle in a corner scribbling some lyrics that popped into our minds. Raps, Pops, Ballads—as long as we will put whatever in our minds out. We like hanging out in the Cafeteria, when everyone already finishes their meal and the two of us are the only ones left, or in my apartment, or in most cases, inside my recording studio.

 

 

I have never come across with anyone else who love music so avidly as Hyejin and I was sure she felt the same way as I.

 

 

She likes complaining though, she likes comparing herself to other people and that would slowly deteriorate her self-esteem.

 

 

“What you need is time and experience,” I would point out every time she complains.

 

 

“Time and experience…” Hyejin would repeat what I said. “Well, time is always there and is always passing, but what can I do about experience? I’m not the most adventurous person am I?”

 

 

“I don’t know where your heart is, only you can tell.” I said.

 

 

“Maybe it’s just hiding somewhere. Or my heart went on a vacation and thought ‘Well I’m not coming back to that boring, Hyejin,’ but who knows? Maybe I’ll be able to find love anytime, in a place I’m not expecting. Like a magician.” Hyejin turned her face towards mine.

 

 

“Maybe all you need to do is look around. I guess the time is near.” I told her, my voice almost a whisper and Hyejin smiled warmly at me.

 

 

After three months, my prediction, like a magician, came true; sweeping Hyejin in a carriage.

 

 

A year after the party, Hyejin called me on a Sunday night just before dawn. I was asleep because of the promotion I did with my group and this is the only chance I have on getting a proper rest.

 

 

After the party and the whole Solar thing, we drifted apart. Maybe it’s because it’s a new experience to her, or that Yongsun, as what she calls her—her real name, offers her different experiences and awakens her ual endeavors that she didn’t know were even there.

 

 

It’s a little new to me that she called me at this hour, well, she used to call me this hour before there was Yongsun, but now everything is different.

 

 

It was winter again; I can't believe how fast time passes.

 

 

“Were you asleep?” Hyejin asked.

 

 

“Well,” I looked at the clock beside my bed and stood up. My mind is not functioning properly but I know by the look of the sky that it’s going to be morning soon.

 

 

“Outside my apartment,” Hyejin started to talk not caring on what I would say next, “a man was always hugging different girls every single time but from what I know, he has a family in the province. Last night, he was drunk and he tried flirting with me but I’m just not attracted to him. Do you think it’s bad?” She asked me and I chuckled but I can hear her breathing unsteady.

 

 

“Where are you?” I asked Hyejin.

 

 

“Um—I… I went to see Yongsun and you know.” She timidly said, and I know she’s blushing. “I sinned. Byulyi, I need to tell you something.”

 

 

“What were you thinking?” I sternly asked her and I can hear her trembling, preventing herself from crying. “Where are you?”

 

 

“Outside.” She said and I immediately went to look outside and there she was, standing outside my apartment. In a nine-degree temperature with nothing but her dress and messed up look.

 

 

I rushed towards her without thinking of my own look. When I came down, I was panting because I took five flights of stairs which is surprising especially for someone like me who is not very athletic. We went inside my apartment and I let her change into my clothes, she likes being in my clothes, it comforts her.

 

 

“Now… tell me what happened.” I calmly said.

 

 

“Solar… it’s not about Solar.” Hyejin stated. “What I did was really bad, she was married and I know that it’s never going to work. We had a fun causal relationship and let’s say that sometimes things got ual but there is something I know that is wrong. And this is not because of her husband.” She is now looking at me. “Solar is not the best person but she became a friend, and more than that. What I want to say is that, I think you know what I’m getting at.”

 

 

“.” I muttered under my breath and Hyejin just smiled at me and giggled. “Get to the point.”

 

 

“You know what?” She said as her eyes turn to slits. “I thought you’ll ignore me after I left your for my stupid affair.” I messed her hair as I pulled her closer.

 

 

“You are stupid but I’ll not ignore you for that. I’m the bigger person here.” I smiled at her.

 

 

“You always are the bigger person.” Hyejin smiled at me and hugged me. “That’s why I like you.”

 

 

“Why did you ignore me?” I can’t help but ask.

 

 

“Your presence is too overwhelming to me and I feel that I can’t do anything without you. All I want is to find out everything and figure it all out by myself. Although I have no regrets being with Solar, I’m not denying my uality. I’m not denying anything.” Hyejin explained.

 

 

“When did you realize?”

 

 

“About some time right now. Solar wants to keep her life on track and she knows that I want to be with you. But do you want to be with me?” She asked me.

 

 

“Of course!” I almost shouted. “Whenever I saw your expression when you saw Solar, it kills me.” I confessed and she laughed.

 

 

“I guess you are not a good face and mind reader.” She teased me.

 

 

“Can I kiss you?” I asked her.

 

 

“Whatever you want, you only have tonight.” She whispered and I disregarded her last words. Which I think, I should have focused on more.

 

 

Because that was the first time we were intimate and the last time I saw Hyejin.

 

 

At the beginning of August, I received a long letter from her. It is an unusual envelope so it just means it is from someone outside the country. I flipped it and saw a stamp postmarked Maldives, although I’m not quite sure when it was sent to me. However, I know whom it is from. My fingers swell with excitement as I open the letter.

 

 

 

How are you?

 

You must be surprised because all of a sudden you get a letter from me from Maldives. Didn’t I tell you I’ve always wanted to come here? You’re so cool, though, I need more to surprise you. Anyway, I’m really sorry that I’m not able to take you out on a dinner. This trip to Maldives was out of the blue after I moved back to Jeonju then I went to Japan.

 

 

I can tell you’re upset. I’m a very indecisive person and I need time to rebuild myself. You’re always the bigger person but I need to be a big person and not go to you whenever I feel like going. However, I still need you because I’m not really good at remembering things, you know that right? That’s why I’m sorry for the things I remember. But I’m trying my best to get back onto my feet and keep my promises.

 

 

In a month or two, I’ll be back at the company just what I told President. By that time, I’ll be able to treat you in place of your choice. I’m more like you right now than I’m like myself four months ago. I’m starting to understand how it feels to have someone call you at 3:30 in the morning. I’m beginning to understand things, mind you.

 

 

I’m writing this outside my room here, do you know that people don’t care if I’m shoeless walking around here while carrying my notebook full of lyrics. My lyrics, are turning into songs. I’m to release twenty tracks and I’m writing lots of songs for the company as what I promised the President. Everything is refreshing, it’s hard putting my situation into words but you can think that I was asleep and someone came then tried to rearrange me but failed.

 

 

Can you get my point?

 

 

My eyes tell me I’m the same Hyejin but I know I’m not. I’m different from usual. Not like I know what the usual Hyejin is though. All I know is that, while I’m reflecting, I know what is missing and that is your presence. I’ve depended my whole life with you like I put everything in your hands and now I know that being without you .

 

 

Being out of the camera is the best experience I’ve ever had. I’m sorry you’re not here to experience it with me, but I promise you there’s time to relive my memories here alone. It’s always better when you’re with me. Sorry for not realizing how a disaster I was back then.

 

 

Byulyi, I still like you. But I hope you can still like this messed up person.

 

 

I’ll prove you that I can do things right.

 

 

I'm coming back.