Dear Chanyeol 

When you read this I’m already gone. Maybe you’re confused as to why or how, but I hope that you come to an understanding of it once you have read this letter. 

Where do I even begin...

I’ve always loved flowers, that’s a well known thing. I’ve always thought they were the most beautiful and fascinating thing. They made me happy. 

That was until I started coughing them up. Then all they did was hurt me.

It all began when the rumours of you dating another idol began. I read something about it and suddenly I coughed up a yellow rose. Yellow roses stand for sorrow. I was disappointed. Disappointed in our friendship, but mostly disappointed in myself. For not wanting to admit that I loved you. I knew I did, but I knew I shouldn’t because it would only cause me pain. But it’s like they say it in the movies, you can’t choose who you love, unfortunately.

But it didn’t stop their, it got worse. When you finally announced you where dating her. I was happy for you, still am, but that doesn’t mean it hurt any less. I had to escape the room we were all in, the whole of EXO because you wanted to tell us all together. I could feel the flowers coming up so I had to leave. I quickly congratulated you, I meant that, I really did. And left. Once I got to the toilets I went to the last stall and began coughing up yellow roses again, but this time they had thorns. And now they stood for heartbreak. I could feel the thorns slicing my throat open. I coughed all of them up stained with blood. I couldn’t help the tears rolling down my cheeks. 

At that moment I knew that there was no option of surviving. 

It was the third weak when you revealed your relationship to the public. All the fans were happy. No one had a negative thing to say about you two. And you were the happiest I had ever seen you. It hurt a lot to see you be in love with someone that wasn’t me. Even though I knew I never had a chance with you. So I decided to distance myself from you, to try and get over you, to let you love somebody without having to hurt myself. But the flowers changed, they changed to pink camellias that stand for longing. The more I tried to get away from you the more I longed for you, the more it hurt. And it didn’t help that you would always be upset when I avoided you or rejected your offers to hang out. But soon enough fans started to notice, they started to notice us drifting away from each other. How could they not when I alway found a way to not be paired up with you, I was always good with making up excuses and now they came in handy. You where confused and hurt but that didn’t change anything you where still with her and you’d always be. 

I remember you confronted me once. It went something along the lines of. “Sehun-ah, why are you avoiding me?” “What are you talking about hyung?” “Don’t play dumb, why won’t you talk to me, why won’t you even look at me?” “I just feel like we’ve been growing apart, we have too much differences to have a good friendship”. “That never stopped you before!” “Things change hyung”. “Sehun tell me the real reason”. “I don’t want to be your friend anymore hyung, we grew apart that’s all”. “You know what, you Oh Sehun, you and our whole stupid ing friendship, this whole mess”. “I’m sorry hyung”. “No I’m sorry, I’m sorry I couldn’t be the friend you wanted, I’m sorry I was such a fool”. You cried