Ten years, day per day, since his senior high graduation, Jaejoong had finally found the courage to open the black shoebox that he kept hidden in the back of his closet. He pressed a gentle hand over the surface, wiping away the thin layer of dust. He hadn’t opened it since he came to terms with his crush. He still remembered the intense feelings he had for his class president, the tall and unbelievably handsome boy with crooked teeth.

He took a deep breath and slowly lifted the lid. He expected to see sealed envelopes addressed to his crush, the letters he never had the courage to send. Instead, the box was empty. He ran a frantic hand across the bottom as if doing so would make the letters reappear. There was absolutely nothing in the box. Before he could stop himself, a shriek left his mouth and panic over-ride his rational thoughts.

“What’s wrong?” His roommate, Changmin, rushed into the bedroom. He expected danger, but only found a hysteric Jaejoong kneeling on the floor with an empty shoebox in his hands. “What happened?!”

“They are gone!” Jaejoong pulled out a small manila envelope from the back of his jeans. He waved it under Changmin’s nose. “Papers with scribbles on them, envelopes like this!”

Changmin was still perplexed by the urgency of some missing papers. He eyes the stacks of shoeboxes neatly labeled at the bottom of Jaejoong’s wall-length bookshelves. They contained all of Jaejoong’s past, current and future writing projects. “Jae, all your boxes have scribbles, papers and envelopes. You have to be more specific if you want me to help you find something.”

Jaejoong looked at his wall-length bookshelves and took a deep breath. Changmin was right, no need to panic. He may simply misplaced this specific shoebox. He scanned through the labels of the boxes. Each of them was labels with a project name and contained his brainstorms, manuscripts, letters of rejection and publishing contracts.

Yet, no matter how hard he thought about it. He was convinced that this was the one. This black shoebox had been a sore sight for the past ten years, a pandora box waiting to be split open. It contained his deepest secrets and a crush so intense that must be kept hidden.

"I'll help you look for whatever you need tomorrow, but now, we need to go." Changmin rushed away. “Hurry up. We can’t be late for our high school reunion.”

Jaejoong chewed on the lips, discouraged. He dropped his newest letter in the empty box and pushed himself up. He resisted the urge to ransack his closet for the missing content. He grabbed a light cardigan and slid it over his white t-shirt. “Coming, Min. Wait for me.”

Changmin was already at the door, shoes on, car key in hands. His lips turned into an impatient line. Jaejoong jogged the rest of the way, putting up a show just to prevent the inevitable nagging from his roommate. Funny how the two of them barely exchanged words back in school, and now, they're almost attached by the hips. They ate, slept and fight under the same roof.

A nagging feeling made Jaejoong wish that he should have accepted to go to the reunion. It was bringing back a lot of memories and Jaejoong couldn't wait to shove everything back to the darkest corner of his mind again.

■■■

The school’s gymnasium was full of people and Jaejoong honestly didn’t feel like talking to any of them. Beside him, Changmin made short conversation with some of his old classmates, catching up. Jaejoong had decided to stick by his roommate's side throughout the night even if they weren’t in the same class.

He was a bit self-conscious to admit, but he didn’t have many friends in high school. Alright, correction: he didn’t have any friends. He was too busy dreaming about new worlds and new characters. His nose constantly buried in a notebook or a novel. He was only lucky that his daydreams somehow ended up giving him a career he enjoyed.

Even now, he longed to have something in his hand that would allow him to hide from this awkward social events. He only came for his crush and an hour in, his crush was still nowhere to be found. ‘What a waste of time…’ Jaejoong mumbled as he sipped his iced tea.

He leaned toward Changmin, “I’m gonna get some air. Be right back.”

On his way across the gym, he got accosted by a few people. He got used to simply disappear in the crowd unnoticed that his newfound frame unsettled him.

“Oi, Kim Jaejoong.” One of his classmates waved at him to join the small group. “We’re just talking about that novel you wrote. Heard it’ll become a TV drama soon.”

Out of politeness, Jaejoong put on a small smile and walked over, with Changmin’s constant nagging at the back of his mind about being more social. He really wished that someone would come and save him from this misery. And someone had heard him as the gym suddenly grew quiet. The conversation slowly died around them.

Jaejoong's head shot up as sensing his crush's presence somewhere in the large open space. His eyes like magnets snapped right toward the handsome man who just joined the reunion. Something inside him whimpered in need at the sight of the dark suit hugging his class president’s frame. His hair now cropped short and combed back gave him a severe, almost intimidating look.

“Class 2B’s president has arrived!” The event organizer said in bright voice shouted through the microphone. “Jung Yunho! We know you’re a very busy person, so thank you for gracing us with your presence.”

The whole alumni corps cheered. Jung Yunho flashed a charming smile to the crowd and shook hands with some of their teachers and the director. Even from this far, Jaejoong noticed the perfect rows of white teeth that differed from crooked one he remembered. Beside that, Yunho was still as painstakingly handsome as ever.

Just like that, the group shifted their conversation away from Jaejoong. “Did you hear? Yunho was recently promoted as CFO of JK Motors.”

“Yes and at 28, he’s the youngest person to be promoted to the position in the industry.” Another person chimed in. With bitterness, he added. “Coming from a good family sure helps to open plenty of doors.”

“As expected from our prez. The best wherever he goes.” The girl beside Jaejoong exclaimed dreamingly, brushing off the shades some of them felt. “Jung Yunho, CFO.”

“Heard my name. What you all talking about?” A deep voice came from Jaejoong’s right, sending a chill down his spine and his breath caught in his throat. Yunho’s presence alone overwhelmed his senses.

Yunho looked around the small circle and raised a hand to his silk tie, loosening it. “Look like I overdress.” He let out a small chuckle. “Sorry, rushed over after a meeting.”

The golden wedding band on Yunho’s left hand caught everyone’s attention. Jaejoong felt his stomach churned and twisted. He tore his eyes away with the realisation that he never got a chance and never would. Yunho was never his to begin with.

“Oh, you’re married?” Their class’ VP said, her tone barely hid the disappointment she felt. “A successful career and successful love life.”

“You almost sound disappointed.” Yunho laughed as he carefully rolled his tie and put it in his blazer. Then, he undid the top two buttons and sighed. "Now, much better."

Jaejoong gulped down the rest of his iced tea, drowning down that sorrow rising in his throat. He mumbled an excuse about needing more drink and walked away briskly. He didn’t wish to hear more of the conversation, about how his crush was living the best of his life while he still nursed a decade old unrequited love.

He passed the table where snacks and beverages were served. He threw the empty bottle in the recycling bin behind the table. He looked around, noticing the last of alcohol in the drink selection. He wanted something stronger, something that can drown the simmering flame and the bitter unfairness of life.

A forgotten weight in his pocket beseeched for his attention. It had been so long since he last got the urge for a smoke. Carrying around a lighter and a pack of cigarettes was more a habit than a commitment lately. His fingers fondled with the cap of the metal lighter, opening, closing, opening and closing again.

Letting out a deep breath, he finally gave in and made his way outside. He sat on the cool cement stairs by the soccer field. With a cigarette between his fingers, his mind wandered off to the first letter he ever wrote at the tender age of sixteen:

Dear Yunho,

Since you became class president in senior high, you’re like a different person. You’re more outspoken. You're charming and kind. It’s so obvious everyone likes you. Boys want to be like you, and girls want to date you. Is it weird that I also want to date you? [...]

A voice snapped him out of his reverie. His whole body froze in the trance. As if remaining still like a statue, no one would see him in the darkness of this warm spring day. This time, no one heard his wish as footsteps came closer.

Yunho sat down beside him, so close that he would feel the other man’s warmth. Goosebumps rose on his arms and Jaejoong discreetly moved a few inches away. He stole a glance toward Yunho and found himself mesmerized. His eyes transfixed on the bow-shaped lips while his ears listened to the voluptuous voice speaking in gibberish financial jargon. Those lips, he dreamt about tasting countless of times.

His head jerked away when Yunho ended his call. He wondered if Yunho had noticed him staring and what he would do if he did. He preoccupied himself by focusing at the darkness looming before them, at the streetlight flickering over the school fences.

They sat side by side. Each waited for the other to start speaking. Knowing himself, Jaejoong would definitely choose this awkward silence over whatever unintelligent words his haywired mind could think right now. Absently, he took a long drag of smoke. The red ember burned in the darkening evening.

"If you look at me the way you just did, I may misunderstand it for something else, Jaejoong." Yunho pocketed his cellphone and fished out his own pack of cigarettes. He took one out and let it hang loosely between his lips.

Jaejoong shifted, his left leg started bouncing as an unwieldy nervousness settled in. He wanted to ask what Yunho meant by it, but instead, his brain opted for an easier-to-deal subject. “You smoke? It’s not good for your health.”

“Says the person who also smokes.” Yunho ruffled his clothes, patting his pockets in search of his lighter. “Only once in a while, when I have something on my mind.”

“Same,” Jaejoong hummed and put the cigarette to his mouth for another inhale. Seeing Yunho still fondling around his pocket, he asked. “Need a light?”

“See how often I don’t smoke,” Yunho chuckled and reached toward Jaejoong’s hand. He inched closer, bringing the burning tip of Jaejoong’s cigarette toward his own unlit one.

Jaejoong yelped at the sudden and unexpected contact. His hand jolted in Yunho’s gentle hold, sending sizzling ash down the sleeve of his cardigan. He cursed, jumping to his feet as he started shaking the ash from his clothe. He rolled up his sleeve and blew on the exposed skin. He still felt a tingling feeling of pain where the ash landed, but with no permanent damage.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. Are you ok?” Yunho shot up from his seat. He reached out for Jaejoong’s hand again, this time slower, expecting Jaejoong to jolt again. He held the forearm toward the dim light and examined the exposed skin for any injuries.

Jaejoong remained extremely still, barely breathing. His heart fluttered in his chest at the worried voice. His eyes wandered toward Yunho’s face, whom’s eyebrows knitted together with worry and his lips pressed into a thin line.

When Yunho finally released his arm, he fished out his pack of cigarettes and slid back in the unlit one. Under his breath, he mumbled. “Maybe. Today is a good day to confess and clear my conscience.”

With the most tender and self-conscious gesture, he cupped Jaejoong’s face between his palms and tilted down until their lips brushed for a fraction of second. So soft and so silky, a dip into the sinful addiction. Against Jaejoong’s warm mouth, he whispered. “Warned you that I would misunderstand if you kept looking at me with those love-stricken eyes.”

He dropped another gentle peck and straightened up. He pulled on his blazer to smooth some invisible crisp. Suddenly feeling like an arrogant prick, he sighed. What the hell was he thinking... He was ready to apologize for his impulsive behavior when Jaejoong unconsciously took a step forward as if looking to rekindle the connection that just broke.

“Pinch me,” Jaejoong murmured. “Pinch me. I need to make sure this isn’t a dream.”

“Damn, I was going to behave myself and apologize,” Yunho grumbled as he grabbed Jaejoong by his hips and pulled the other man against him, chest to chest. Jaejoong fit against him perfectly, like matching pieces of puzzles. He dived and captured the rosy lips again. This time, the kiss lost all its candor. The urgency and desire consumed them. Jaejoong circled his arms around Yunho’s neck and turned the kiss with the same ardor.

Somewhere in the distance, a voice boomed. “Prez, we’re gonna get a drink. Wanna tag along?”

“He’s not here. You’re sure he’s outside?” A second voice asked.

“Yeah. He said he needed to take an urgent call.”

“Maybe he left. The man’s way too busy for his own good.”

"Let's look on that side, maybe he went there," the first man said and the group's footsteps set toward the soccer field.

Suddenly aware of their surroundings, Yunho and Jaejoong broke apart, both attentive and listening. Yunho cursed for the loss of privacy. On impulse, he grabbed into Jaejoong's hand and bolted. Jaejoong clasped his other hand over his mouth to stop the surprised gasp and the giggles that followed.

They ran down the rest of the stairs toward the field and cut through the bushes leading to the parking lot. They stopped only when they knew no one could hear them from this distance. Jaejoong slumped against the nearest car, labored breathing.

"Let's get out of here," Yunho suggested as he stepped into Jaejoong’s personal space again. He placed a hand against the side of the car by Jaejoong’s head. With his relaxed voice and full of mischief, he admitted. “I don’t think I can stop kissing you anytime soon.”

"My apartment's no far," Jaejoong blurred out without much of a thought. His mind still completely fogged by the unexpected kiss, still drunk on the desire and wishing for more while he still could. "You drive?"

Yunho took out his car key and the slick sportscar where Jaejoong rested against came to life. "My ride's right behind you, my darling"

Jaejoong's lips curled up in an unimpressive scoff. "Smug bastard," he mumbled.

■■■

Jaejoong didn't know how he managed to keep it cool during the ride. Every second that past, he wanted to jump the handsome man beside him. To squeeze himself between Yunho and the wheel. To ravish the crush in this instant of passion.

Yet, the ring on Yunho's left hand left a dreadfulness in his heart. Yunho kissed him despite his marriage. If he could have Yunho for one single night, he would not regret it because Yunho planted a tiny seed of hope. He never wanted to impose his complicated love life on anyone. He had kept silent for so long that for once in his life, he yearned to be a bad person, to steal someone else’s husband.

No, he would not have any regrets. Yet, remorse and regret gnawed at his insides as he led Yunho up to his apartment. As soon as the door closed behind them, Yunho pushed Jaejoong against the wall. Their lips came crashing against each other with unspoken needs.

Jaejoong poured a decade long of emotions into the kisses. His hands roamed across Yunho broad chest, pushing the expensive blazer off the other man’s shoulder. By the time he got all the buttons of Yunho's dress shirt undone, Yunho already had his hands under his clothes, hands exploring and caressing every inch of his bare skin.

Only the touches felt wrong. So, so wrong...

“No,” Jaejoong’s rationality finally returned to him like a punch in the gut. He leaned away, putting both hands on Yunho’s shoulders to set a barrier. “Stop. We can’t.”

Yunho covered the hands with his own. His eyebrows knitted in confusion and his jaw tightened. “I don’t understand. We’re… Are you still with your boyfriend?”

“What boyfriend?” Jaejoong asked back, cocking his head to the side, his turn to be perplexed. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Then, why stopping.” Yunho took a step closer, gently cuddling Jaejoong’s gorgeous face between his palms. “I have a confession. I think… I think I’m in love with you. I want you.”

“And I don’t ing want you. Not like this.” Jaejoong jerked his head away. He stomped past Yunho into the living room. His throat tightened, making it hard to swallow all the emotions threatening to split out.

Jaejoong untangled himself from Yunho. He walked to his bedroom, eyeing the mess he made before leaving for the reunion. His last and final letter lied where he had left it. His other letters no longer held any important and he no longer care where they ended up to or who had them. He was going to end it for one and for all. Taking in a deep breath, he picked up his letter and went back to Yunho.

“Take this and leave.” He shoved the envelope against Yunho’s chest.

He didn’t bother to wait for Yunho to leave before locking himself back into his room. He curled into his bed, suddenly too mentally exhausted to think or to cry. His mind seemed to have finally accepted the inevitable outcome. Yet his heart beat with dull pain, resonating in his ears like drums, a reminder of what he could never have.

When the first knock came on his door, he was certain that he dreamt it. Why would Yunho still be here when he got a wife waiting at home?

“Go home, Yunho.” His voice broke at the last word.

On the other side of the door, Yunho slid down to the floor. His sixth sense screamed for him to not open this letter as if he already knew the content. Instead, he took out of his pocket a stake of well-worn envelopes just like the one Jaejoong gave him minutes ago.

As he flipped through Jaejoong’s old letters, his ring gleamed under the streetlight shining from the windows. He wanted to slap himself for this tiny mistake. He had been wearing this ring for so long that he forgot its on his finger.

“Please open the door, Jaejoong.” Yunho softly tapped on the door with his knuckles. “Let talk face to face. Hear me out.”

“There’s nothing to talk-”

“I’m not married, Jaejoong. And I’m not even dating anyone.” Yunho continued without stopping. He was determined to win over Jaejoong after this stupid gaffe. “I started wearing a wedding ring when acquaintances started to push me to get married. They said that I have the looks, the brain and the money to get a rich girl, daughter of some conglomerate.”

With a small click the bedroom door cracked open, a tiny gap between the door and the frame, just enough for them to see one another. Jaejoong sat down, a small gesture telling Yunho that he was willing to listen.

“When people see the ring and assume that I already have someone, conversation will never turn too personal and I prefer it this way. Tonight I let others assume out of habit. I’m sorry.”

Jaejoong nodded, silently telling Yunho that he was listening, but unwilling to participate in the exchange just yet. So, Yunho carried on with his monologue, reciting some of Jaejoong’s own words back to him. “Dear Yunho, Everyone likes you. Boys want to be like you, and girls want to date you. Is it weird that I also want to date you?”

Jaejoong flinched. He turned to Yunho, bewilderment shone in his eyes. “You… How?”

“Dear Yunho, On my way home today, I saw you ransacking through some boxes behind an alley. When you walked out with a tiny puppy wrapped in your school jacket, my heart did that weird thing again. If I wasn’t already so in love with you, I would be falling for you all over again.”

Yunho handed Jaejoong the manila envelopes one by one as he recited them. His voice thickened with unsaid emotion. He first received those letters about two and a half years ago. They were sent to his parents’ house without a return address. He had read them, over and over again until he could remember every single word while still not knowing what to do about them.

“Dear Yunho, Tomorrow, is graduation day. I have been thinking about us - if there’s an us to start with. I wasn’t sure if I should take a risk and confess. After sleepless nights, it just felt safer to let you go. I am such a coward...

“Dear Yunho, I guess this is where we part ways. I am so proud of you. Top of the school and smart, you’ll go far in life. I hope we meet again one day in the far future when I have dealt with my problematic heart. When I’ll have enough courage to look at you in the eyes without blushing. To the boy I love, I wish you the best.”

Jaejoong took each letter Yunho handed him, speechless that his crush was able to remember what he wrote without opening them. He wondered how many times Yunho had read them. But the answer was written all over their battered states.

Yunho held into the last letter; brand new, sealed and unopened. “When I first received your letters, I was shocked. I mean I like you. Sure you’re reserved and don’t talk much, but you have that determination and ambition to pursue your passion. It was very inspiring. But I was confused about your feelings- my feelings for you. For months you plagued me everywhere I went. And then, I saw you again at one of your book signings. Someone came up to you and kissed you. I got jealous and left.”

“Jealous? With a face like yours?” Jaejoong laughed softly. He clearly recalled the incident from about two years ago. Jaejoong was out with Changmin the night before, being a bit tipsy, he started flirting with a guy at the bar. One thing led to another. The next thing he knew the same guy came up to him in the signing and casually kissed him like they’re dating.

“Just so you know, having a nice face doesn’t give you immunity against jealousy.”

Seeing the anguish on Yunho’s face, he felt the urge to explain. “He’s not my boyfriend. Just a random guy I met at a bar. I was drunk and flirted a little with him. I may have told him about the signing, but I honestly don’t remember.”

“I love you Jaejoong. The you of ten years go, the shy and awkward kid who always had his nose in a book.” Yunho rest a hand against the door and slowly pushed it open. He needed to see Jaejoong, to truly look at him. “I’m sorry it took so long for me to say it. If you let me, I would like to get to know the you of today and to tell you these words more often.”

Jaejoong inched toward Yunho, taking his last letter from the other man’s hands. Without any hesitation, he tore it. “Damn you. I’ll need to rewrite this one now.”

Yunho pulled Jaejoong toward him. As their lips met, they melt into each other’s arms. The sweet exchange of longing and love replaced the urgency and lust from before. Now they had all the time in the world to reacquaint with the new person they were today.

“Who give you these letters?” Jaejoong asked out of curiosity.

“I always thought you sent them, but seeing the surprise on your face, I think someone was having fun playing matchmaker.”

“When did you get them?”

“Two years, five months, twelve days ago.”

Jaejoong’s eyebrows shot up in disbelief. So much lost time and missed opportunities. But, they were meant to be. They always ended up gravitating toward each other at different moment in their life.. Better late than never, right?

“Dear Yunho,” he started, claiming on Yunho’s laps. He carved to feel the proximity again, Yunho’s warmth. “I had always so naively believed that a person like you don’t suffer from unrequited love. Charming, popular and handsome-”

“You think I’m handsome?” Yunho laughed softly over the compliment.

“Adequately handsome.” Jaejoong rolled his eyes. He took a deep breath and asked the question ten years in waiting. “To the only boy I’ve loved, do you want to go on a date with me?”

“Yes, I'd love to.”

Just as their lips touched for another kiss, the front door beeped and lights flipped on. They squirmed at the sudden brightness so long in the dark rooms with only street lights illuminating through the windows.

“Geez!” Changmin shrieked at the sight of his schoolmates; Yunho’s hands under Jaejoong’s shirt and Jaejoong sitting on top of Yunho. “Guys, when people say ‘Get a room’, they actually mean ‘get in the room’.”

Jaejoong rushed to push Yunho’s hands off him and shot up. His face flamed up like wildfire, consuming every inch of his skin from the base of his neck up to his hairline. “Min-ah,” he stammered, not knowing how to explain the situation.

“You know what, hyung? Forget the room, you can have the whole apartment.” Changmin turned to leave. “Just stay out of the kitchen. For the sake of my appetite.”

end.