After some time, when I was just 19, Uncle Sangmin was starting to work more often as more work was being offered to him. Mom and I had done a great job at keeping him away from drinking while he had minor work, but since working more, his colleagues would drag him to restaurants once their shootings were over. It was disappointing on my end as I was still very much immature to understand that routines can end at times.

I sat in the living room as I waited for our caring neighbor to stop by for dinner. When it had reached 11 P.M. and no sign of him being present, mom cleaned up right away and told me to head to bed. I silently complied and headed into my room. Mom knew well how much I looked up to Lee Sangmin as he basically raised me along with her, so after cleaning up, she came to my room to comfort me. I knew I didn’t have to say a word for her to know how hurt I was. 

“I know you’re hurt, but you have to understand him. He’s not ours, Hyo.” My heart basically dropped to the pits of my own stomach. I knew he wasn’t technically family, and I knew he had every right to spend his time the way he wanted, but I always wanted to be included. I had gotten way too clingy to the man who had taken care of me for many years.

I sighed, “I know...” She said nothing else after that and gave my head a kiss before heading to her own room. Mom was basically like an older sister to uncle Sangmin — maybe even close to another mother for him. She took care of him as often as she took care of me. She used to pack him lunches and dinner if we knew he was staying out late. In return, he would buy her nice gifts for the care she gives me, and always a small gift for me as well. 

I laid on my back and looked up at my ceiling in thought. In all honesty, I was a little confused about my feelings those days. I blamed it on stress from schoolwork, but I was beginning to confuse uncle Sangmin’s nice gestures towards me. He was like an uncle, and a father, and a big brother in one, but he was none of those things. He wasn’t blood related to my mom and I at all, but still, I felt very guilty for looking at him as a man. 

When we would have breakfast together and he would surrender the last breakfast sausage to me, my heart would swell up so much I thought it would burst. Other times, when I’m watching tv and he decides to come over and read a book, my heart would pound at how close we’d sit next to each other. 

I really began to fall for the neighbor that raised me, but I begged my heart to stop. It wasn’t right. He looked at me like a child, and on top of that, we were twenty-two years apart. There was no doubt that he only saw me as a child.

I picked my pillow up to bury my face in it and started to groan. I really wanted to scream from how complicated my feelings were, but I didn’t want my mom to hear me. I threw my pillow to the other side of my bed and looked up at the ceiling again. All I could think about was wanting to see Sangmin. He had schedules since the early morning and all the way to the late night. I hadn’t seen him all day, and it felt like my heart was going to disappear if I didn’t see him any time soon. 

That was when I heard a knocking and someone being loud outside our home. It wasn’t like the knocking was at our door, but it was loud enough for the whole complex to hear. I knew that voice even if it was in a whole stadium of people. I quickly shifted out of bed and creaked my door open to check if mom had gotten out of her own room to check out the noise. Once the coast seemed clear, I tip toed my way through the living room, put my shoes on, and stepped outside to check the commotion. 

“I forgot my keys, I’m an idiot, an idiot...” The man outside his own door was banging on it with his fist as he cursed at himself. Once I saw the familiar face, I rushed to him and grabbed his arm before he could start banging on the door again. I whispered how late it was and that he should be quiet, but when he turned to me, the look on his face was nothing but an idiotic smile. “Hyo! What’s up, baby?” He said in english, using his arm that I had grabbed onto to wrap around my shoulders and hug me close to him instead. Since I was already comfortable with this man and knew very well what his drunk habits were, it was nothing but normal to me. I sighed and reached into his left pocket, knowing well that he forgets he even has his keys on him and opened the front door right away. 

I helped him inside his apartment, and he gladly leaned on me for the help. He started to sing one of his old songs as we walked in, and thankfully made it to his couch where he dropped onto himself. I sighed again, not realizing how heavy he really was and plopped down beside him. He was leaned back completely on the couch and was now humming to the tune of the same song he was singing earlier. His eyes were closed and his arms rested beside him.

I really couldn’t take my eyes off of him. It was normal for him and I to be alone at times, but at this moment, it felt different for me. I looked down at his hand beside me and couldn’t help but reach for it, placing my own hand on top of it and kept it there. I looked back up at him to see if he had reacted and when he didn’t, I curled my fingers between his to hold onto it. I just wanted to do it for a little while, that was all. 

I looked back at his face. His humming had ceased and he seemed to have been sound asleep at this point. I hesitated for just a moment before finding the courage to lean close to his face and give his cheek a peck. It was just like a good night kiss to a friend, right? It couldn’t be misunderstood at all. But I found myself still in that same spot, watching him sleep and noticing a twisted feeling in my chest. It really hurt so much, realizing how much I liked this man. I exhaled deeply before speaking, “You probably won’t even remember I said this, but I like you. You’re not just my friendly neighbor, you’re a man I want to be with.” I stared at him silently after I spoke and waited for a sign that he heard me. When it seemed like he was as good as dead, I pulled my hand away, sat up and left. 

I closed his front door behind me but stared at it for a moment. For some reason, I felt a knot in my stomach now. What do I do? I really said those words out loud and couldn’t help but to feel guilty again. Tears began to form in my eyes as I sneaked back home and into my room. It was impossible to be with him, and I knew it. After my secret confession, I decided that, that was the end of it. There was no way that I would let myself feel anything more than just a friend for Lee Sangmin. He was just my friendly neighbor that was like an uncle, a father, and a big brother. I laid in bed after my firm decision, buried my face in my pillow again, and silently cried myself to sleep.

~

Author'sn note: Wow, it's already well into the new year and I only now finally got around to an update - yikes. Pleasee forgive me, whoever is reading this out there. I promise to update more often, even for myself to feel accomplished. This chapter was much shorter than I originally wanted it to be, but that's because I literally had to force myself to release this chapter already. Anyway, I'll have a new update up real soon, but enjoy for now!