Tether

I’m tired. I’m lost. I’m in pain.

As I slowly lead my friends, my brothers, to the very top of the mountain, I failed to realize that the higher we climbed, the steeper it became.

Along the way we’ve nursed numerous cuts and bruises. We were famished and thirsty. The air became thinner as well. It got harder and harder to breathe.

But we breathed as one. I conducted the orchestra of our breaths, I lead the symphony of our heart beats.

Treacherous weather and obstacles came our way, hindering our progress, holding us back further away from our goal.

But we were relentless.

We battled through storms and droughts.

At one point we all thought about giving up.

But gentle breeze continuously blew past us, enveloping us in a blanket of hope.

And we kept going.

We didn’t know where some paths lead us, but we were determined to get to our goal.

But….but there was a time when the weight on my shoulders became too heavy. Too heavy to carry alone, but my brothers looked to me for guidance. They placed their full trust in me; and that weight alone became heavier than what my ambitious legs can carry.

“A good evening of sharing each others' thoughts, our own worries and our pain sounds good, what do you say, Hanbin-ah?” Jinhwan hyung would say once in a while.

Maybe I was careless and my mind wandered off when he noticed my distant gaze.

“Everyone gets tired sometimes, including you Hanbin-ah.” Yunhyeong hyung said to me one time when we were all panting and out of breath but I insisted on continuing. Perfection was in my...our blood.

Maybe I was careless enough to show my tired eyes.

But I was their leader. I was their strength. Weakness was not an option; for their sake.

But I’m also only human; though sometimes I forget.

Sometimes a whisper echoes in my ears and I succumb to that darkness.

And sometimes my mind fills with thoughts of surrendering to those voices.

After all, I am human. And though I forget a lot of times, when I do remember, it gets hard to hold the tears back.

It gets hard to ignore the pain.

And because I’m only human, I thought about ways to numbing the pain. Ways to silence the chatter. Ways to calm the fear. Ways to ease my thoughts.

“Where are you right now, Hanbin hyung?” Chanwoo once asked me while I stared up at the moonlit sky.

“Umm…right beside you?” I answered as I looked at him in confusion.

And Chanwoo gave me that smile he rarely showed. The smile that truly made him wise beyond his years; one that made me remember that he's grown into a great and wise man. “And I want you to remember that…always. That me and the others are right here, beside you.” He had said, squeezing my hand tightly. “Don’t go off wandering into the dark all alone. That’s when souls get lost.”

Before I could think of a reply, he had patted my back and walked away.

I chuckled at the time. “Weird, but cute, kid.” I had thought. “Cryptic, but cute all the while.”

But those words stirred something inside me. I was unaware of it at the time, but those words, his words, carved its way to my perplexing soul.

“Fear only God. Hate only sins.” It had read on Jiwon hyung's back. An permanent message inked on his skin.

And I did. I had fear inside of me. It doesn't show nor will I ever let anyone see, but I was fearful.

And those dark thoughts that were planted in my head soon became non-existent. I focused more on evolving myself along with the others, with my brothers.

We continued to climb that steep path through storms of hate, doubt and uncertainty.

Nothing can stop us, however. We had each other.

Knowing all the negativity thrown at me was painful, but seeing the negativity directed towards the others was excruciating. We moved as one. We breathed as one. We lived as one. We hurt as one; but I was leading them. And it hurt so much more to see that they all masked their pain for each others' smile.

“You know, hyung,” Junhoe spoke up one day, “sometimes it's okay to not be okay. We all need to let it out once in a while. We all need a good little cry, once in a while.”

I had looked at him with questions swimming in my mind. But Junhoe being Junhoe, he turned right around and walked away as if he didn't just try to cheer me up, in his own way, by belching out a tune that made my ears ring for a good full minute.

“Rememer, hyung,” Donghyuk said one day when the two of us were out having an early morning jog, “I trust you, and so do the others. You should trust us as well.”

I looked at him as if he had grown a pair of horns underneath the glowing halo above his head. “I do trust you; completely.”

He smiled his usual sunny smile that was so contagious, I found myself smiling just as wide. “Good. So trust us to listen. We're here to listen.”

There had been no other words exchanged that morning as we continued our morning routine.

I did. I do. I trust them completely.

I stood, alone, on the precipice of my career; over looking the world below.

A gentle breeze blew past me.

I looked back as I saw all six of my bestest friends, my brothers, my family; my whole world.

I noticed how the breeze blew past me and unto them.

I smiled.

The breeze took all the doubts, the pain and the suffering of bearing the weight alone and carried it towards them.

I walked towards their smiling faces and open arms.

The gentle breeze whom I've come to realize were our devoted fans, had shown me that the heaviest weight on my shoulders have always been shared between the seven of us.

And as we continue to climb the highest mountain, I will never forget....I will always remember, that those who keep believing in us, in iKON, in me, are the tether that will keep me from losing my way.

"Where are you right now, Hanbin-hyung?" Chanwoo asked as I was enveloped into a tight group hug.

I smiled at him as I looked down letting a single tear fall to the ground. "Standing right here, with all of you."

A/N: I have no other way to express what I feel, than this, nor do I have any other way to shut the chatter in my head. This is my thoughtful whispers to all of you.

Stay strong.