It’s been years since I had a boyfriend. I admit, I’m lonely. Sometimes I make myself lonelier by overthinking. What if I never get to marry? What if I remained single until the day I die? I would then shake it off my thoughts because I know I have more serious things to worry about other than thinking of my future husband and wonder if he will ever come to me. Like searching for a new job.

The rain caught me off guard. I was walking towards the local mall and immediately ran towards the waiting shed, making it just in time before more people swarm under it. It wet the asphalt after a long day of heat and aridity, the unpleasant smell making me cringe. Summer in the Philippines really is something else. I was thankful for the plastic envelope I bought, my important documents for job applications were safe from the rain – though I couldn’t say much for the umbrella I didn’t take out from my bag.

I made a beeline towards the Toda where motorcycle vehicles are lined up, with drivers ready to be at your service. For motorcycles outside these malls, they usually charge PHP70. I think of the PHP300 in my wallet, the last money I have. I could ride a jeepney, but all of them are full of passengers already. And I want to go home. Now.

I made a mental note to woman up and ask my older sister to lend me some money later as I got on the tricycle. I sat and settled in as comfortably as the vehicle’s hard passenger seat could let me. I covered my nose as soon as we were on the road. The King of the Philippine roads, the jeepney, could really puff so much smoke and pollution, and I didn’t want any of that entering my system.

I let my thoughts wander to the past again as we drove off. What could have happened if I was only more patient? More understanding? More emphatic? What if I wasn’t selfish? Would we still be together? A tiny, clanging sound got my attention. It didn’t come from the other vehicles on the road. It came from the inside.

I was worried for a moment, thinking that something might be wrong with the tricycle’s machines. But a little silver bell hanging from the stainless-steel roof of the motorcycle caught my attention. It was hitting against the window on the front as we move. It made a happy, cheerful sound that I found myself staring at it intently. I could see the familiar houses in my neighbourhood on my peripheral vision as we rounded on the corner of the street, but I couldn’t find it in myself to look away from the bell… until I blinked.

+++

I found myself sitting in a classroom at my old university. With my old classmates. The same classmates I graduated college with. I’m so confused. What the hell is this? Why am I here? What in the world is happening? I look on my right. My bestfriend, sitting there listening intently to the professor. Next to her are my other bestfriends, also listening to the professor. And then I look on my left – Jongin, my ex-boyfriend. Sitting next to me. I look down on my hand. I was holding a pen, writing down notes. I let out a gasp as I saw the date. October 9, 2015.

I’m back in my sophomore year in college.

I was back in time before my boyfriend and I broke up.

“Oh my God.” I muttered, my mouth hanging open. I was shaking slightly. My boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend, whatever, noticed it.

“Are you alright? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Jongin said, leaning in a little to study my expression. “Are you sick?”

Please tell me this is a dream and I just fell asleep on my way home. I looked at his face, “Can you pinch me?”

He knitted his eyebrows, glancing at our professor who was slowly wrapping up the lesson. “What?” He grinned, chuckling a little. “Pinch you? Why?”

“Just do it.” I deadpanned, my mind whirring with questions.

He looked at me weirdly. “Okay,” he glanced again at our professor to make sure she’s still occupied before placing his hand on my arm to pinch me. I let out a small whimper. Not because it hurt, but because it finally dawned on me that this, in fact, is real.

Jongin playfully flicked my forehead when he heard me whimper, “I didn’t even pinch that hard.”

+++

I was still in a daze that I didn’t even notice the weird looks my friends are giving me. We’re out to eat something in the nearby fast food joint after our last class.

“Okay. You’re being very unusual. Being this silent is so not you,” Hayoung said. Our circle consisted of six people, excluding my boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend, I still don’t know what to address him), Jongin. But today there’s only three of us, me, Joy, and Hayoung as the others needed to do some errands for their other classes.

I can’t tell them that I’m from the future, though I technically am. My hair in the future is different, longer and darker. My hair in my sophomore year in college was shorter and in a lighter shade from experimenting with my Mom’s box dyes. I brought a hand up to touch my hair instinctively, “I’m just feeling a little sick. I think I need to go home.” I said.

Their expressions tell me that they do not completely believe me. But they didn’t counter me, nonetheless. “We’ll call Jongin for you. So he can walk you home.” Joy pulled her phone from her pocket to call Jongin, who was in the athletes meeting at the moment. I could’ve said ‘no, I don’t want to bother him’ easily, but my gut tells me it’s alright. So I stayed quiet.

Joy finishes her call with Jongin. “He said he’ll be here in 10 minutes and he’ll be meeting you in front of the church.”

There’s a church adjacent to the fast food joint we were at, and next to it are more shops. A gas station, an optical clinic, a convenience store, and a salon. I thanked her and bid a goodbye, getting out of the place as soon as I could. They wanted to come and wait with me but I didn’t want them to eat their food outside so I declined.

I needed to be alone, anyway. Even just for a few minutes.

I tried to remember the exact day I broke up with Jongin. The Jongin I know in the future has a girlfriend of more than a year. He started seeing other people again after two years since our breakup. Information courtesy of our friends, of course. I had too much pride in me and it was enough to convince myself to not check up on him, or to even send him a dot in text after the breakup. My other reason is that I was the one who broke the relationship off, and because of that I thought I had the right to be bitter for a while and straight up be y whenever his name is brought up.

Jongin has always been a gentleman, and he once again proved it when we saw each other at our friend’s birthday party. It was the first time I saw him again, since I was blocked from his social media accounts. I don’t mind being blocked, as I came to realize that things in our relationship went downhill mainly because of me. That night, Jongin looked dashing as ever – possibly even more handsome. Prior to his attendance I was told that he’s been dating someone new for a while. I admit I was a tad bit hurt. I told myself I was hurt because he found someone new and I haven’t.

At the party, our friends kept on teasing us to get back together, in which Jongin just smiled, looked at me and said, “Don’t mind them. You know how obnoxious they could be, especially when drunk.” After the party was over, he told me, “I’ll walk you home. It’s late.” I kept on refusing at first, because it is late and it may not be safe for him too when he goes home, but he kept his word and didn’t leave until he saw me open the door to my home. He unblocked me from his socials after that night.

I felt a hand on my forehead. I was seated on one of the benches outside the church. I looked up and saw Jongin standing before me. The light of the sun hitting his features. And I thought he could not be more ethereal.

He gave me a small smile and touched my cheek. “Joy said you felt sick?”

The feeling of his hand on my skin almost made me want to tear up. My stomach made me feel like I ate something alive and is now dancing inside my belly. Butterflies. Butterflies in my stomach. I grabbed his hand and pulled him to me, hugging his torso with the side of my face planted on his tummy. I recognize the comforting smell of his perfume and the fabric softener his mom uses on his clothes.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” I hear him speak, worry laced on his voice as I felt him my hair gently.

I realized I missed him. I missed him more than ever. I don’t know what happened. What do you call this? A Butterfly Effect? Is this my present now? I am scared to go to sleep later. What if I am sent back to the future when I wake up? I don’t know what else to do, aside from being determined to be Jongin’s best girlfriend – again – ever.

+++