“Tell me you need me.”

Those were definitely not the words that I expected to come out of his mouth. His breath was heavy on the other end and all I could think of was that I really, really wanted to cut the line. I was suddenly tense and I didn’t know what to say, or think, or do. Tell him I need him?

“Please.”

His voice pleaded. I couldn’t think of a response. I didn’t have one. The sound of water draining from the nearby pipe into a drain overwhelmed me. The sound of the two ceiling fans, one in my room, the other outside became so very, unbearably loud. The sound of my very own heartbeat began to remind me of everything I had ever done wrong.

“Are you there?”

I let out a sigh, involuntarily, of course. I wished I hadn’t. I wished I had had better control and that he would have thought I wasn’t. I didn’t want to think about any of the thoughts that were racing through my head. I was halfway through my medium sized, margherita pizza from Domino’s and it was two in the morning. I needed to finish my food. I didn’t want to know what else I needed at two in the morning on the eighteenth of April.

“I take it that you don’t have a response, then?”

I didn’t have a response. He finally understood that calling me mid-Pizza wasn’t the best idea and asking me to assess whether or not I needed him at two in the morning wasn’t either. I was looking at my paused Netflix documentary, wondering why I ever picked up the phone. I knew it seemed desperate to do so but him asking me this question balanced the playing field.

“I’ll disconnect now.”

“No, I…” I spluttered. Some of the unchewed pizza spattered out of my mouth. I paused to chew, to think, to… pacify. I paused because at this moment that’s all I could manage. Redundant thoughts kept zooming in and out of my head. I did need him. I needed him more than my two am pizza and Netflix date with myself. I needed him more than I needed my hand on really lonely days. I needed him more than my disguised notebook journal when I had to avoid conversations, sometimes even with him.

“You?”

I gulped the remainder of my pizza and sighed again. “I… don’t know what to tell you.”

“I think the long pause explained that to me better than your words ever could, but okay.”

“I need you, more than I need a room freshener after pooping,” I told him. I had made way more poetic comparisons in my head. This one was supposed to be funny and since humor was my defense mechanism, my brain chose this one. This time, he was silent. Perhaps being compared to air freshener wasn’t going to work out for me. Perhaps, knowing that my poops are usually smelly wasn’t going to work out well for him.

“You… need me like you need air freshener?”

No, no, no. That’s not what I had wanted to say. I wanted to say that I needed him like I needed a blanket, even on the hottest days of the year because they comforted me. They made sure the demons didn’t get me. They made sure that I was protected from the evil that surrounded us during the devil’s hour.

“I… meant…, um… I meant that… uh…”

“That?”

I thought about it for a split second. I could do one of two things. I could accept my feelings and embark on a long journey of self exploration and truth. Or, I could make a joke and just deal with this issu