The subway smells the way you would imagine it to. Dirty and it feels like everything is covered in a thin layer of grime. Unnecessarily packed with people that have zero interest in the person sitting next to them. Each one has their eyes permanently fixated on bright screens of their personal phones. They sway slightly with the movement along the tracks as they under appreciate the sheer speed in which they're traveling underground.

A forefinger and middle tap along to the beat against his bare knee. Pale skin showing through his worn ripped skinny jeans, they’re his favorite pants. Chanyeol has his headphone volume loud enough that he doesn’t have to clearly hear the obnoxious woman next to him as she argues with someone on the phone, but at a level where he can hear the overhead announce his stop and nearing the end of the line.

Chanyeol loves taking the subway, don’t be fooled by his willingness to block out the sounds. He just can’t live for more than a few minutes without music or drumming his fingers to some sort of rhythem. The music allows his compacted thoughts to dissipate for a moment. People watching is more of his interest, his large eyes wander back and forth, observing the people around him. It is so interesting to him to see how different and yet how similar so many people can be. How each person is so unique in their own way. Especially the one person that he is going home to see. That blonde boy is definitely something else, and it warms Chanyeol at the thought of him.

A small smile presses against his teeth.

Clutching a small brown bag in one hand as it rests in his lap. The warmth radiating off of the takeout package is forming a pink spot on his thigh as he waits rather impatiently for his stop. Chanyeol wants to surprise Baekhyun with dinner and a movie night on their couch. Because a date night can be anywhere, right?

He has been planning all day, going 20 blocks out of his way to pick up Baekhyun’s favorite coconut curry chicken from a tiny tucked away mom and pop shop. And he couldn’t be more excited to finally get to their small shared home. If only the subway could speed up, just a little bit.

It has been over a week since Chanyeol got to spend time with Baekhyun. They have not shared anything other than quick pecks and gentle goodbyes. Chanyeol is always sure to send a quick, ‘I miss you’ text midday. As their schedules have greatly conflicted and when there was free time, Baekhyun has been putting all his extra energy into his story he’s been working on. The least Chanyeol could do is give him the space he needed when he asked. He always sweetly complies, even though he can feel the underlying exhaustion in Baekhyun’s voice. But he can only take so much of the other being tucked away at his computer and not giving him the attention he wants. He doesn’t think this is selfish, is it? For sure a movie night together will cure all. And he knows it.

The walk from the station to their one bedroom apartment is only a few minutes but it felt like the pathway kept growing as Chanyeol’s long legs took huge strides, quickly carrying him across the asphalt. Walking towards his building he can see the light on in their bedroom window. Baekhyun must still be working, Chanyeol thinks to himself, he’s going to love this. A shrill of giddy excitement flutters though his body.

Racing up two flights of stairs, Chanyeol skips every other stair on his way. Reaching in his back pocket for his house keys and a firm grip on the bag in his left arm, he one handedly fumbles for the correct key before confidently pressing it into the keyhole. The apartment is dark, aside from the dim light emanating from the kitchen. It’s very quiet. Chanyeol walks to the counter to set the bag down safely on the surface. Slowly removing the warm contents from inside the brown paper. It took a moment before he notices that several of the cupboards are left wide open, Chanyeol’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. Baekhyun never, ever, leaves them open.

“Baekhyun?” He calls out through the dark house. Echoing down the hallway.

Silence.

Heading towards their closed bedroom door Chanyeol is frozen in his footsteps when he hears a muffled cry from the other side.

Knocking softly and pausing for a second to listen “Baekhyun? Are you okay? Open up.”

--

Baekhyun leans back in his office chair and exhales an audible sigh. He lifts his bare feet from the plush carpet and tucks them up against his chest, curling into the leather chair. Leaning his head back he presses his eyes shut and internally fights with himself, begging and pleading with his mind to allow him to get even a small amount of work done.

Next to a half empty water bottle and two empty beer cans, the small digital clock says it’s already after six pm. He has been sitting at the computer desk in the corner of his bedroom for the past eight hours and has only produced a poorly written draft, not anywhere in the realm of being ready for publishing. Still in his plaid fleece pyjama pants and one of Chanyeol’s huge t-shirts, Baekhyun curses at himself and runs two hands into his messy unwashed blonde hair, tugging at the strands.

Baekhyun has a deadline rapidly approaching and he is not adequately prepared, which is only piling the stress onto him pushing him nearer to his own limit. It’s not that he is procrastinating purposely. It’s more that his mind won’t allow him to do anything, no matter what he tries to do, the motivation has left him.

Baekhyun has fallen into a dark mental hole and for the past week and a half he has been scratching and clawing at the walls to climb back out. He would do anything to peak out of the top and see the sunshine that has been hiding away.

But instead he stows himself away at his desk, rereading the same paragraph over and over again until he can focus enough to comprehend what to do next. Pouring everything he has into this story is creating a lonely isolation around him. He’s alone all day and when Chanyeol gets home, Baekhyun always smiles and kindly asks for just a little more time to work. Working until he exhausts himself and passes out in bed, long after Chanyeol has gone to sleep.

Chanyeol. A wrenching feeling of guilt bubbles in his throat as he thinks of him. His huge smile is enough to brighten hiss day. So why is he pushing it so far away right now?

Baekhyun rationally knows he needs to just talk to him instead of forcing a smile to his face and always responding with a falsely generated “Everything’s okay baby, really.” But for Baekhyun, it is never easy talking about himself or asking for help. Venerability isn’t something he welcomes easily.

Pushing off the desk, the force sending the chair spinning with Baekhyun’s entire body curled in the middle of it. With no limbs catching resistance, the chair freely twists several times before slowing to a stop once again. Baekhyun’s eyes feel heavy with the slight sting of holding back the urging tears.

He thinks that if he can get just a little more work done, the load of stress with alleviate, slightly. And the need to loosen up is dire. He’s never going to get anything done in his state right now.

Throwing his feet to the ground he stands up from his leather chair and stretches out his body, his vision becomes a dark blur for a quick moment before returning to him, he had been sitting so long that he cant remember the last time he stood up. Cracking his back, his entire body aches. Knees sore from being bent for so long.

Like a zombie his feet carry him through the apartment to the kitchen in search for food or a drink. With his wild unbrushed hair he rubs his eyes with the heel of his hands as his bare feet make contact with the uncomfortably cold linoleum floor. Opening multiple cupboards and staring at the contents inside for several minutes, none of it looks remotely appetizing. Sighing again, he turns to the refrigerator, hoping it will display something that sparks something within him. “Ugh, I don’t want anything. Baek, get it together.” Before his eyes fall on a small clear bottle on the door shelf.

Pouting out his bottom lip he lifts the chilly glass “Hm, why not? I always work better when I have had a little, just a few shots will do the trick.” His scratchy voice murmurs to himself.

Waddling back to his bedroom he scuffles his feet along and leaving small lines in the carpet trailing down the hallway. Closing the door behind him he twists off the cap and takes a whiff of the liquid inside. His nose scrunches at the pungent smell. Shaking his head as if he was shaking out the memory of how awful this liquid actually is. He lifted the glass to his mouth and took a drink.

Chills rush though his entire body. Raising goose bumps across his pale skin but feeling all too quickly fades away. Two more quick drinks and Baekhyun can feel a lightweight fog showering over him. Plopping himself down into his chair, he thinks he found a little inspiration. Plus, a lot of things sound good right now as his newly intoxicated brain happily accepts the poison into his system.

At first, his fingers are loaded and don’t stop moving from across the keyboard. Baekhyun is able to type more in five minutes than he was able to in the last two hours. The feeling is euphoric, its wonderful.

Until he notices how many red squiggle lines decorate the words on the page before him.

“Damn it, what the hell am I doing?” He leans back, allowing his eyes to properly focus on the computer screen. He doesn’t even know what has gotten into him, this paragraph is not going well or even on the correct path. His fogged mind is swirling, spinning, and this not going to get any better. "You're a mess, Baekhyun."

So, the logical thing to do it is take another sip.

And another.

The screen before him gets harder and harder to see, and his thoughts run further and further away. Wobbly, Baekhyun leans forward, resting his elbows against the wooden desk as he plants his face in his palms.

“What is wrong with you?” He quietly slurss to himself “You can keep this up forever.”

Have you ever reached that point, where you become so disappointed with the things you have done, that you cant even stand to be with yourself?

And he’s right, there’s a limit, a fine line with a dramatic drop off. And he had been kicking one foot off for days, testing his balance. Eventually he knew he was going to fall, but he did not expect it to hurt this bad. His entire body grows numb as he can not think of a rational explanation for ingesting the intoxicant or a sensible reasoning for treating Chanyeol like he has. Using his story as an excuse for either is not going to be his scapegoat.

Unable to breath, hyperventilation sets in as he reaches the edge. Falling in, he e just lets go and lets his body give into the darkness surrounding him. He is paralyzed but he can feel the cold streaks that the tears leave on his cheeks. Baekhyun doesn’t know know when he slips out of his chair and onto the floor, or how long he has been holding his breath. He lays against the carpet and wallows in his own little world. Pressing his entire being into the floor. His tears are not enough to release the amount of emotions bottled inside him.

Time isn’t anything of relevance until he hears a similar voice calling his name.

“Baekhyun?”

Baekhyun can’t move, his mind accepts the sound but his body doesn’t react. Gravity is taking win over his muscles, he can not lift his head. He tries to call out to the voice but instead a small whimper escapes his lips as he hears footsteps approaching the other side of the closed door.

A small knock against the wood echoes though the room. Baekhyun curls further into himself against the carpet.

“Baekhyun? Are you okay? Open up.”

His voice fills the room. Swimming around in his ears. The sound comforts him, he feels much less alone now that the one person in this world that means anything to him, is only a few feet away. Just on the other side of that door. Baekhyun is trying to find anything to say, to let him know he’s capable to response.

Guilt washes over him once more, Chanyeol is here. And he sounds worried. Baekhyun sniffs his nose before wiping in on the sleeve of his shirt. “I… I’m sorry Chan, I’m so sorry.” He chokes out. Using his hand to support his body, he sits up a little before scooting back, now leaning against the bed frame for support.

Baekhyun can hear what he assumes is Chanyeol leaning against the wall and sliding down to the floor before the light from underneath the door disappears as he sits on the floor outside. Baekhyun’s eyes are glued to the door. He wants to get up and unlock the handle.

Chanyeol, on the other side of the door breaks the silence radiating through their small house. “Can you tell me what’s going on? Because I can not help you if you don’t talk to me.”

“I’m so sorry, things have gotten bad again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I think… I think I am broken, Chan. I cant fix myself this time.” He sniffs through his nose, his small voice is brittle. “And I drank and now everything is so much worse. I am crumbling down and I can’t stop it.”

“Babe, you know I will always catch you when you start to fall, you just need to let me know when to put out my arms.” His voice is smooth and soft, realizing what is going on on the other side of the wall. He is trying to compose himself, keep himself calm. “You can’t keep everything bottled inside all the time, you need to let people in. You need to let me in and stop trying to conceal everything with drinking, it isn’t good for you Baekhyun, it never has been. You hide everything so well, I didn’t…” He hesitates for a moment “ I’m sorry I didn’t notice the signs this time. I should have.”

Baekhyun pulls Chanyeol’s large shirt over his knees, hiding his whole body inside the fabric. “I don’t like living like this, I am numb to everything and it’s like I am always waging a war with myself. And thank you for giving me space. But I need you, I want to feel better. And you’re the one and only spark of light in my life right now, but I have been ignoring you. I’m sorry.” Pressing his face against his covered knees Baekhyun hiccups into the cotton.

“It’s going to be okay Bae,” His voice perks up with confidence “We will get you feeling good in no time, promise.”

“I don’t want to feel good, I want to feel real.” Baekhyun’s voice shakes has he inhales deeply, holding it in for several seconds before releasing it through his quivering lips.

“Please, Baekhyun. Open the door for me.”

Baekhyun complies and like a baby deer he slowly climbs to his unsteady legs as he wobbles a little. Using the bed frame as an aid until he is stable enough to walk. Dragging his feet across the floor, his hand reaches out for the cold metal of the door handle. Pausing for a moment before twisting the knob and slowly opening the door.

Before the door is fully opened Chanyeol barges though the threshold and directly into Baekhyun’s personal space. He welcomes the closeness, his chest warms at the sight of the other in front of him. Baekhyun’s red swollen eyes meet with Chanyeol’s sympathetic gaze.

Reaching both his hands up he cups Baekhyun’s face and thumbs away the tears on his cheeks. Examining his altered state before pulling him in close. One hand on back of his head pressing his face against his chest and another placed on the middle of his back. Baekhyun melts against Chanyeol’s body. The few minutes was comparable to an eternity they are standing silently together as Baekhyun tries to regain control of his breathing patterns.

Baekhyun would tell you, he swears it has been years since he has felt his embrace. He missed him so much.

Physically shaking, his legs can’t hold him up much longer as he lets out a small yelp against his shirt clad chest.

In one swift motion Chanyeol picks Baekhyun up into his arms, both hands against his bottom for support. Naturally Baekhyun hooks his ankles around Chanyeol’s waist and thin arms around his shoulders. Burying his face into the crook of his neck he lets himself release a silent sob. Harsh breaths and wet tears soak into his skin. Why didn’t you go to him sooner, why did it take your breaking point to finally open up to him?

“You’re still in my shirt, have you bathed today?”

Shaking his head against his shoulder, it dawns on Baekhyun that he is still in the same clothes he slept in last night.

“Bae, please tell me you have at least eaten something?”

Silence between the two is enough to answer the question. Baekhyun’s stomach does hurt. It has hurt all day. He has only had half a water bottle of water and a unreasonable amount of alcohol. He feels so empty now that he takes a second to stop and think about it.

“Okay, lets start with the first one and then we will get you something to eat. I was going to surprise you, because I thought you deserved it- I brought home your favorite food.”

Without revealing his face, Baekhyun smiles at the thought of Chanyeol going completely out of his way to get Baekhyun something that he knew would make him happy “Did you really get me coconut curry?" His voice perks up a little.

"I did, but not just because you really, really needed a break, but because I just so happen to really like you, too."

"Thank you, for everything. I’m still really sorry, sorry you have to deal with me and my messed up mind.” He truly feels apologetic towards the other.

“Baekhyun, don’t ever apologize for who you are, you’re perfect. Just please, promise me you wont hide from me anymore? Please ask for help when you need it.”

Baekhyun lifts his head to look at Chanyeol in the face. His eyes tell him that Chanyeol is sincere. And that his whole world is literally, in his arms right now.

As if he weighed nothing, Chanyeol effortlessly makes their way into the bathroom before flicking on the switch. The light causes Baekhyun to wince for a few moments before his eyes adjust. Gently being set onto the bathroom counter top, Baekhyun watches the other as he prepares the shower pressure for him. “I promise. I love you.”