Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?

 

I scoff a little bit, I felt goosebumps shivering down my whole body. I was neither a goody-goody or a nice person. So why am I listening to this song? I'm not the sister of the year nor am I the best daughter given. I stare blankly at my laptop, my eyes blinking at the white screen as time goes by, every single day as I question life. What I am living for? 

The song reflection is on repeat again, what reflection am I going to look for? I felt this tangle in my body, was this the sadness I try to suppress so it wouldn't come out physically? 

 

If I were truly to be myself, I would break my family's heart

 

I turn to stare out my window, darkness allows itself to clear my mind from the brightness of the laptop screen. I look farther beyond to see the lights of the city, I want to go outside and take a walk, but knowing my parents they don't allow me to take a footstep out of the house without letting them know my every move. 

"ing " 

I look at the notifications that pop up on my phone, I stare at the group chat messages that my sisters and I were in. Because of my harsh words towards them, I allowed them the right to call me nasty words. I hate using profanity truthfully, but it seems like with them they were my only verbal defense for now. I turn to stare at the post-it notes on my wall, I'm supposed to be doing my take-home test for calculus for college but I'm not. I'm not interested at all, I have no use for math at what I am striving to achieve. Apparently, I want to become a doctor. 

As usual, I would multitask my way from saving me from boredom. 

"You're the last person who we would call family." 

"That's right, I distance myself on purpose to save myself from the embarrassment of what I call you sisters." 

They weren't wrong, I put things before my family, like education, work, and sometimes friends. Why do you ask? It's a complicated story. I turn to stare at my nails, my goodness they look hideous with the way they look. 

Oh, my birthday is nearing soon. I kind of dread it to be honest with you. My birthday has no significant meaning anymore. Not since I've remembered that day. It was when I was ten, I heard my sister's talking with my aunts on how much I get spoiled on my birthday and ever since, I never wanted to celebrate my birthday anymore. For almost ten years after my birthday was dead to me. 

When people ask me, "What do you want for your birthday?" I hesitate so much, I look down when they're not looking, did I have the right to want something when I can afford it on my own? Millions of thoughts come to mind when wanting something, I wanted something meaningful. What was the definition of my meaningful? 

When I turn twenty soon I want to live differently, I want to be free. Free of bad stress, I want to shine proudly on my own. 

"I don't want anything." 

I could hear the relief in their minds as they heard my answer as they feel like it's an obligation to give me something because we're related by blood. I'm not depressed, trust me, I just have some issues with me. Flaws that everyone else has, it's just that you could never pinpoint my flaws since I'm always so ignorant. 

I stare at the app, my heart clenches just a bit. He's not been on, who? The crush that'll never like me back. Let me tell you, not a single one of my crushes have ever liked me back and if they did, it's was never wholeheartedly. 

Slowly I start to fade away from people's lives as I didn't leave a mark. 

I am here, but they will never know. 

My crush, he's busy, he's always busy. I know he doesn't have time for love, but it doesn't hurt to wish that he did, is it? I am a girl who's so focused on finding someone, why? Cause everyone else has their shield of protection. Their significant other. I don't want just a random guy though, I have standards, high standards. I know, such high standards for such a low standard looking girl. 

I'm not ugly nor or am I pretty. I'm average, but a bit better as people say to me. I hate my body, as others say I'm small. I'm not, my legs are thick. Thick thighs are great if they're all muscle but mine were not. My stomach is flat for the most part, a twenty-four twenty-seven inch waist as I'm estimating. But I'm not the tallest either, I'm actually the second shortest for now. My brother who's ten years younger than me is still growing so I will technically be the shortest child. 

I stare at the survey app trying to earn money, even little cents matter to me. I have a job, five actually. One in person and the rest are online. I don't have much money, my savings was getting there but I used it to pay for the first year of my tuition, so I am basically penniless. 

I have to earn at least one hundred fifty soon, I have to pay my aunt back for the concert ticket she bought for me. Every day I'm struggling, that's why I am still living with my parents. My parents are very traditional in raising me, they want me to live with them until I establish a real job, they want to take care of my financial needs, like housing, laundry, food, internet, and even my car. I know, I shouldn't be complaining when everything is going so well for me, right? I shouldn't be complaining because most people don't get to do what I want to do, let alone have parents to allow me to still live with them as most parents kick their kids out when they're eighteen. 

I don't do drugs, but I drink. I drink when it's just with family though, otherwise, it's not much. I don't self-harm because I don't want to give in, plus I'm a scare as hell as to even hurt myself, so that's a plus. But I wonder a lot. 

I know, we're getting all sad so I'll tell you what I love to do. 

I love to write. Writing is the reason why I keep living, I don't like writing such typical prints though. Why? Because everyone already writes them. I want to inspire people with words that never been used together in one sentence before. I want to stand out and touch the heart of others as most people have a desire and passion too. 

I love to read, I love to live through different lives rather than living just one. I want to experience heartbreaks from different points of views, I want to travel to Paris in the 1800s, and be a mermaid looking for a purpose in life. I want to live in a universe where magic exists like Harry Potter or seek battle with the Gods and Goddesses like Percy. 

I dream because no one can take it away from me. If I were to dream forever, that's a world I would allow myself to be in. 

I love to read webcomics, I get jealous at how lovely people fall in love. I want to fall in love with someone successful too, someone handsome, someone kind-hearted to protect me from everyone else when I am longing to do it myself. 

"Yoona!" 

I gasp hearing my name called, I turn around to see no one calling my name. It was all an illusion. 

I had earphones in as I walked in the museum, I was wearing a white crossed spaghetti strap chiffon top with long black ripped high waisted jeans paired with pointed chunky plaid heels with a gold circle on the tips of the pointed heels. My hair was blue-black all in curled waves brushed out. My makeup was light, with my pale skin slightly coral cheeks with a pink lip shade that matches the original color of my lips. I had straight eyebrows and my eye makeup was in shades of purple and brown inspired by Nana.

I kept on walking, my eyes were scanning the different kinds of artwork. My skin had goosebumps from the cold conditioner that was blowing down cascading to me. I shiver a bit but didn't care. 

My eyes lower themselves, I didn't know what I was thinking but my heart clench. My fingers curled up, I didn't know what to do.

I shook my head, it was impossible to see such a sight. My ears perked up hearing that voice again, the voice that rang in my dreams. The voice that allowed me to experience such pains, I didn't have a heartbreak, more like I was angry at the whole situation. 

"Yoona?" 

I quicken my pace, I did not need some lowlife to be coming after me, especially since it's been more than five years already. He's engaged with an older woman, who's at least two years older than him. Apparently, she's going to be a nurse. 

"Yoona, wait!" 

I felt my arm being touch and as a reflex, I grabbed his arm and flipped him over my shoulder. 

"Ouch Yoona, what the hell!?" 

"Don't say my name as if you know me, you're clearl