You’re not really good in a lot of things. But you think you are really good in bed.

 

Or at least that’s what Yuri made you feel.

 

Because like, she won’t be knocking at your door every other night just to get it on with you if you are terrible at it, right?

 

The way her body archs to your touches, her needy whimpers when your lips traces along her tanned skin like a race, the way she moans your name like a pious church-goer begging for forgiveness.

 

Except that she isn’t a church-goer nor does she ask for forgiveness.

 

Inside your head you immaturely call her a Yoona-goer and instead of mercy, she asks you, no, she implores you to the life out of her.

 

So you do.

 

Every. Single. Time.

 

You create art on the blank canvass that is her body. You made her see stars and galaxies under the roof of your cheap apartment. You her senseless until she’s all spent and exhausted and dripping of sweat and you are not to complain at how sore your arms were when each of every time she would compensate you with her lips stupidly breaking into that lopsided grin you are clearly smitten before she would sleepily peck your own. This would serve as her non-verbal communication of telling you how well you’ve performed and she’s spent as and the next thing you know, she is tucking herself under your embrace, falling into slumber soon after.

 

Her soft snores that would fill the air soon, coupled with the strawberry scented shampoo she seems to use, would be enough to make you feel at ease even just for a moment.

 

Because you know when the sun rises and the clock hits 5 AM, Yuri would slip away from your embrace and slip out of your room, leaving you bare and alone and simply Im Yoona, Kwon Yuri’s go-to stress reliever.

 

Every time you hear the closing of the door, you pray that it would be the last time she would walk out of it. The last time you will hear its closing that metaphorically represents the impossibility of you and Yuri getting more than just this.

 

Every time, your prayers will fall into deaf ears because when the night comes, you know.

 

You ing know that Yuri would be there again, knocking at your door.

 

And you being you, the stupidly smitten Im Yoona from the Law Department, would willingly open your door and repeat the cycle of your miserable nights having the girl of your dreams in your bed but not actually having her at all.

 

 

***

 

 

“Do you have a spare?” You turn your head at the voice that cuts through your trail of thoughts.

 

Taeyeon, one of the smartest in your class, was up there in the rooftop with you just like always. You fish out the almost empty box from the inside of your jacket and tossed it to her, the petite woman expertly catching it with one hand and pulling out the remaining stick with an amused smile.

 

“Did you just open this tonight?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Yoona..”

 

You did not like the sound of grim in her voice.

 

“Save it,” you say, dragging the joint that was idly sitting in between your fingers before puffing out the smoke that dances through the cool breeze of the night, “Just because I let you join me out here doesn’t mean you can start telling me what to do with my life.”

 

You hear Taeyeon sigh at your statement. You felt like you’ve been too harsh on her and you want to say something to ease the sudden tension. You decided not to when she lit up the cigar you gave her and began blowing out nicotine to the air.

 

Both of you fell into silence, basking in the presence of each other while the sight of the dancing smoke dissipating into thin air is the only thing that entertains you.

 

“Is this because of her again?”

 

“What do you even know?”

 

“Please,” you heard Taeyeon scoffing beside you, too deep to be humorless, “Kwon Yuri’s been the reason for all the weird habits you developed for the past year, Yoona. Who else would it be this time?”

 

“You’re right,” you replied, stepping on the of the cigarette you’ve consumed. You saw some more littered around your feet but it did nothing to fill up the hollowness in your chest, “It’s because of her, like it has always been. And what about it?”

 

“She’s not good for you. You should stop this nonsense before it gets out of control.”

 

“I’m afraid it has already come to the point where I don’t know what makes sense and what does not, Taeng,” you say, getting up from the floor and dusting your pants before you look at the girl whom you know had been harboring feelings for you for a while now, “It’s out of my control now.”

 

“ that,”

 

Before you knew it, Taeyeon throws away the joint and pulls you in, her fingers tightly clutching the collars of your leather jacket as she presses her lips against yours.

 

Perhaps it’s because of the nicotine in your veins or just your clouded mind but you found yourself reciprocating to the kiss, opening your mouth and angling your head for a better access to what Taeyeon is offering you.

 

She gives you a moan and you pull her by the waist to maneuver her to the wall, leaning her against it as you press your body against her.

 

“Give this a chance,” Taeyeon says in between her gasps, with your nose already at her neck and your teeth sinking to her fairly smooth skin, “Just one night Yoona, that’s all I’m asking.”

 

That night, for the first time in months, it’s not Kwon Yuri who was milking your sheets. It’s not a tanned woman whose moans resounded through the walls of your apartment. It’s not her husky voice that screamed your name when you got down for a feast.

 

That night, it was not Yuri who pecked your lips with a lop-sided grin before falling into slumber.

 

And it physically pains you that even with how good Taeyeon had been, you were wishing it was Kwon Yuri who was in her place instead.

 

 

***

 

 

That morning, when the clock hits 5 o’clock, you did not hear the opening of the door. You did not feel the shifting of the bed nor the shuffling of clothes.

 

Instead you hear Taeyeon’s soft snores beside you. You feel her warm body pressed against your back and her limped arm draped across your stomach.

 

For once, no one is leaving you behind stripped and alone. The pain of parting did not come just like it has always been when morning comes with Kwon Yuri.

 

But for once, you wish of going through that pain if it meant having the girl of your dreams in your bed the night before than not having her at all.

 

 

***

 

 

You were in the library, nose deep on the Torts book you were reading while twirling a red pen around your fingers, when a figure donned in the familiar scrubs suddenly invaded your peripheral vision.

 

Your eyes remained in your book and the pen continued weaving through your fingers even as when the person had fully settled herself on the seat across you, even as when you feel a pair of familiar warm orbs digging holes through your angled face.

 

“You did not respond to my text last night.”

 

Yuri’s deep, husky voice echoes that you almost choked at how attractive it sounded in your ears.

 

“I was busy.”

 

“Were you really?”

 

The edge on her question made you look up from your book, wishing you didn’t because her chocolate eyes just did things in your stomach that makes you hate the world more.

 

“Yes.”

 

“With what?”

 

You heard it before she could even say it and you are left wondering if she even remotely knows the effect of her questions to you.

 

“Things.”

 

“Does that thing include Kim Taeyeon?”

 

The pen slips from your forefinger and its clanking sound when it hits the table sounded so loud in the quiet library it almost subdued the sudden ringing in your ears.

 

“I saw Kim Taeyeon dragging you out to the parking lot last night when I was on my way to do my shift,” Yuri adds, “She is the same Kim Taeyeon who had been crushing on you, isn’t she?”

 

You pick up the pen you dropped on the table and caps it, “Where are you going with this, Yuri?”

 

“Did you her?”

 

You did not miss the venom in her voice when she spat the words, a myriad of emotions surging through your body because Kwon Yuri is getting this inquisitive out of nowhere.

 

“It was a casual , but yes.”

 

You literally saw her entire body tense up at the confession, brows twitching upon hearing your statement.

 

“Casual ..”

 

It was neither a question nor a statement. Perhaps it’s both but you don’t understand the entirety of the words. You still answered nonetheless, “Yes. Casual . Nothing else.”

 

“What do you call us then?”

 

Now that is a question.

 

And it is this that literally broke you, letting out a humorless laugh audible enough for only the two of you to hear because, “I don’t know Yuri, you tell me.”

 

The tanned woman stares at you, boring holes to your soul as you stared back at her. You did not know how to make of the way her brow twitched, or the curl of her lips.

 

You just know that you blurted the first thing that was on your mind the moment she drops the eye-staring contest and stands up from her seat, all ready to saunter away from you.

 

“Go ahead. Leave. That’s what you do best, right?”

 

You only got a clenched fist in response before Kwon Yuri walked out on you yet again.

 

If the freshman who happened to pass by your table saw you wiping your tear-stricken cheeks, she did not say anything. Or perhaps she did not notice you at all.

 

Just how Yuri never does when it comes to you and your frail feelings.

 

 

***

 

 

“Hey.”

 

You look up from the bottle of cheap beer you’ve been nursing for the past hour or so. Your friend Sooyoung managed to drag you into this house party because It’s a Friday, Yoona, let’s a get a life out of the stupid law books before I go crazy. That traitor was out of your sight the moment you stepped into the host’s house and you are left with your own company for the night.

 

Until Kim Taeyeon showed up, that is.

 

“Hey,” was all that you were able to reply.

 

“I never thought you’d come by,”

 

You shrugged, bringing the bottle to your lips and swigging that bittersweet liquid in one go, “So do I. Sooyoung thought otherwise though, that’s why I’m here.”

 

You hear the shorter woman chuckle, leaning against the sink as she stands across you in the kitchen of the house.

 

“Sooyoung has that charm.” Taeyeon says, looking at you with that longing in her eyes, making you avert yours to anywhere but hers.

 

The topic of whatever happened between the two of you hangs in the air and you want to raise it. You want to bring it out in the open because this is how you want things to go. As much as possible, you always want to talk things out, solve matters by talking.

 

But right now, all you could do is avoid Taeyeon’s prying eyes, wanting to get out of this place and away from everyone.

 

You are wondering if this is how Yuri felt about the library incident when she decided to leave you.

 

“Listen Yoona, about the other day..” there it is, “I just want to apologize.”

 

If you were drinking beer, you would have choked. But since you are not, the only thing you could do is stare agape at the brunette for the out of the blue apology.

 

“I don’t know what has gotten into me that night. You were just looking so lost and empty, y’know. And it kinda seeing you like that.” Taeyeon explained, full of sincerity and honesty that you don’t have it in you to look away, “So I thought, maybe if I offered you something, you’d get distracted and you’d stop thinking about her even just for a moment.”

 

There was a pause and you dread the next words that will come out of Taeyeon’s mouth.

 

“Did it distract you enough?”

 

You heard the insecurity laced in her voice, her chick eyes staring at you in anticipation for your answer.

 

But Yoona, you cannot give one. You cannot answer her. You don’t have it in you to say it to her face that yes, the was good, it distracted you to a certain extent and good god she was amazing, okay.

 

But…she is not Kwon Yuri.

 

Taeyeon was not the warm body your soul has been yearning for.

 

“It wasn’t distracting enough, was it?”

 

You looked away this time, ashamed at yourself for causing that crestfallen face on Taeyeon. You have always found her attractive, her mind is out of this world and she is a very sweet girl.

 

She is almost the epitome of perfection. Almost.

 

If only she is Kwon Yuri…

 

“I’m sorry,” you drawled, unconsciously swallowing the lump in your throat, “I didn’t mean to let you on like that. It’s entirely my fault that things got to that point. I could have simply walked away but I didn’t. I’m sorry, Taeyeon.”

 

You saw Taeyeon bite her lip, nodding her head to whatever you were saying all while looking defeated. Guilt eats you as she finally looks up at you with a teary smile.

 

“It’s alright, Yoona,” she breathes, wiping her cheek when stubborn tears escaped her eye, “It’s not like you can control what you feel, anyway. I just thought I’d take a risk and give it a go. At least now I know that my feelings are going nowhere and I need to get past this.”

 

You could only hang your head low as Taeyeon tears up across you.

 

You wonder if there would come a time, if that time ever comes, where you and Yuri would talk like adults, like this. You wonder if when that time comes you would be the Taeyeon in your conversation. The one who will realize that your feelings are going nowhere and you need to get past it.

 

Just the thought of it, of Yuri not reciprocating your feelings at all, pains you already. You cannot breathe just thinking about it.

 

And to think that Taeyeon is experiencing it first-hand at the moment..

 

That heartbreaking epiphany made you pull Taeyeon into a hug, wrapping your arms around her neck and pouring into the squeeze you give her everything that your mouth fails to speak.

 

“You are an amazing woman, Kim Taeyeon,” you murmured into her ears and you felt her arms encircled around your waist tighten, “One day you’re going to find someone who is going to give you that one thing I cannot. Perhaps even more than what you think I can give you. You deserve that person. And that’s not me.”

 

A muffled sob emanates from the petite woman under your embrace, her slightly trembling body giving away the fact that she is a bawling mess.

 

With a heavy heart, you pull away and ever so lightly, press your lips on Taeyeon’s forehead that lingered for a moment, wishing that through that simple peck she could feel how sorry you are that things went down like this.

 

“Aigoo...” Taeyeon chuckles despite the tears, “Look what you did to me, Im Yoona.”

 

A sad smile is all that you can give her, ruffling her hair as you step back, “I’m sorry for being an .”

 

“Aniyo,” the petite woman reassures through her tears, “It feels like I’m the one being an , right now. Kwon Yuri just glared past me when she happened to see you giving me that peck you just did.”

 

Your heart skipped a beat upon hearing Yuri’s name that you turned your head so fast to see if she was still there.

 

“She’s here?”

 

“Yes. She and Juran arrived about twenty minutes ago.”

 

Just with how quick your heart skipped when you heard Yuri’s name, it amuses you how it all started to break into pieces when you found out that she is with Juran.

 

She’s with her girlfriend.

 

“What are you still doing here? Go after her.”

 

Your brows crinkled at the suggestion, “Didn’t you say she’s with Juran?”

 

“Yuri was alone when she walked past us. I think Juran is somewhere around the house with her friends or something” Taeyeon explained, gesturing her head for you to go after the girl of your dreams as if the thought of you doing it will not break her, if it hasn’t already. “It’s your time to be alone with Yuri.”

 

“How about you?”

 

A sad smile re-appears on Taeyeon’s lips, “I’m gonna be fine, Yoona. Go.”

 

Mumbling a thank you, you walked away from Kim Taeyeon with Kwon Yuri running in your mind.

 

 

***

 

 

You found her just about to slide in her Toyota Camry parked in front of Taeyeon’s relatively huge abode, looking all ready to get out of the place.

 

“Kwon Yuri.”

 

She stopped half-way when she heard you calling her. Looking up, it was the usual stoic expression she was wearing that always has the same effect on you, just like the first time you laid your eyes on her.

 

Leaving you breathless, almost gasping for air and writhing for something to hold unto.

 

“Where are you going?” you asked, standing meters away from her and gesturing back to the house, “The party’s over there.”

 

“Party’s over,” Kwon Yuri and her deep, voice resonates, almost reducing you to your knees, “I’m going home.”

 

She slides into the driver’s seat and you immediately scrambled to get into the passenger’s side, opening the door and quickly throwing yourself inside. You closed the door with a loud thud and Yuri in total shock will never not be funny.

 

“What the—“

 

“I’m riding shotgun!” you exclaim happily, smiling at the half-surprised, half-annoyed face of the very person who caused the race inside your ribcage.

 

“Get out Yoona,” Yuri grits beside you but do you ever listen?

 

“Nope,” you grabbed the seatbelt and fastened it, emphasizing your intention to not get out of the car contrary to what she instructed, “I’m coming with you.”

 

You heard Yuri scoffing beside you before hearing the bitter aftertaste of it because, “Why? You’re done playing with your girl toy that you’re hitting me up now?”

 

Sighing, you leaned further into the seat as you slightly tilt your head in Yuri’s direction, enjoying the view of her majestic side-profile from your angle.

 

“Just drive Yuri. Or do you want Juran to see us together?”

 

This earned you a side-glare from the girl. But soon enough, she is stepping on the pedal and is speeding away just as you instructed.

 

You don’t know what ached more. The piercing glare that she threw your way or the fact that she hurriedly got out of the place at the thought of Juran seeing you together.

 

 

***

 

 

The ride was silent except for the low, humming sound of the engine roaring.

 

Yuri refuses to talk to you as she focuses her eyes on the road, never once sparing you a glance. As for you, the view of the nighttime Seoul from the window passing like a movie screentime has got you occupied.

 

You’d rather have it than the severity of reality plaguing your mind.

 

Soon, the car is pulling over a relatively unbusy road, still in the city but somewhere away from the condensed populace. The streets are dimly lighted and besides that one motorcycle that just passed by, you are certain that no one comes around this highway at almost 2 in the morning.

 

You could sense what was about to come but you didn’t say anything.

 

Instead, you fixed your eyes on the quiet road ahead of you.

 

After that eerily steady moment where Yuri just coldly grips the steering wheel after she turned the engine off, you hear the unbuckling of seatbelt and the next thing you know, Yuri is in your lap, squeezing herself between you and the cramped space of the car.

 

In no time, you are a clashing mess of lips and tongues.

 

Yuri grips you by the neck, her long fingers haphazardly toying with your hair and shoulders while you press yours against the exposed skin on her back, feeling the warmth and desire on your fingertips.

 

Soon, lips are pressing on the pulse point on your neck and you are bloody murder.

 

There is always a first time for everything and on that moment you know, that would be your first time with Kwon Yuri.

 

 

***

 

 

You both somehow ended up in the back of the car, all tangled up in nothing but your arms and legs and bare bodies. Your pair of clothes are scattered somewhere inside the car but you could only care less.

 

What matters most right now is the relaxing sensation of Yuri’s fingers ever so softly running through your hair while you are pressed against her chest.

 

You could hear the beating of her heart from your position and you wonder, even just for that moment, if it is all your doing that you hear a race is going inside her ribcage.

 

“I’ve always wanted to do it in a car, you know,” you hear Yuri mumble through your hair, audible enough to make your heart race at the huskiness of her voice, “I always thought it’s kinda rebellious to do it in a car.”

 

“What, are you feeling all insurgent now after we did that?”

 

“You could say that.” Yuri muses with a child-like tone, “It feels so liberating and badass doing something that I’ve always wanted to do before.”

 

This painted a small smile in your lips.

 

“You’ve never done this with Juran before?”

 

You don’t miss the way her body slightly stiffened upon hearing her girlfriend’s name in your conversation.

 

“Hey,” you are quick to put her at ease, knowing how much this is among the many reasons why she agreed in this arrangement with you, “I am honestly curious. I am not trying to set you off or something.”

 

Instead of answering, she nuzzled her nose even closer to your hair, feeling a gazillion emotions infiltrating your insides in a span of second because this is probably the first time Yuri had been this intimate with you, getting all touchy and more physical after .

 

And you are not complaining of course not.

 

“How are you okay with this, Yoona?”

 

The sudden question catches you off guard, feeling your body tense up at the inquiry that is long overdue.

 

The arm draped around your back tightens and you feel Yuri burrowing her head deeper to the curve of your head.

 

“Why are you letting me do this to you?”

 

It was a murmur of words but you hear them as clear as the weather outside.

 

And then a whimper. You hear small, helpless whimpers coming from above you and soon, you feel wet, streaks of tears dampening your forehead.

 

You do not need a brain of a genius to know whose tears they come from.

 

“Why are you crying?”

 

The sight of Yuri’s tear-stricken face is enough to make your walls crumble down, ultimately crashing at the heart-wrenching sob Yuri gave out after you press your palms against her wet cheeks.

 

“Hey..”

 

More sobs slip out from the medical student and you do not know what to do.

 

“Hey, hey. Yuri..”

 

“I just don’t understand, Yoona.”

 

Mustering the courage to look up at you, Yuri searches your eyes with that pained look all over her face that you suddenly had the urge to protect her for the rest of your life.

 

“Why are letting me hurt you?”

 

The rawness of her question made your world stop. Everything in that moment freezes and it’s only you and Yuri going about on this planet. Only you and your beating hearts and the truth that are out in the open.

 

“I think you know the answer to that.”

 

It’s actually a little bit strange to be having this conversation in this very compromising position you both are in. But that is the least of your worries.

 

Yuri and the conflicted look in her face is the center of your world at the moment.

 

“Yoona..”

 

“I know,” you cut her in with a sigh, “I know you’re in a long-term relationship and Juran is your safe place. I know that, Yuri.” You look away from her intense stare when it felt all too heavy, “You’ve been telling me that since day one of this arrangement. I don’t think you need to remind me of this fact every waking moment of my life.”

 

“These days I think it’s been more of a reminder for myself than for you.” Yuri says through her breathe, cupping your cheeks with her warm hands as she angles your head to look back at her, “You, Im Yoona, are making me feel things that I shouldn’t be feeling when I’m with you.”

 

Your heart jumped to your throat and you weakly swallowed it back to where it’s supposed to be.

 

“Things like what?”

 

“You know,” Yuri bites her lip just as when she presses her thumbs on your lower lip, “Things that friends who casually sleep with each other shouldn’t feel.”

 

Your mind focuses on the pressure being applied on your lower lip that you didn’t notice Yuri leaning closer and closer until she was centimeters away from your face.

 

“Is that a bad thing?” you caught yourself whispering, voice too hoarse for speaking.

 

Yuri responded with a slight shake of her head, followed by a humorless laugh that sounded the most conflicted coming from the Kwon whom you know have always been level-headed.

 

“I’m way past beyond proper discernment of whether what I’m doing is a bad thing or not, Yoona. I don’t know what to answer you..”

 

“It’s okay,” you say, finding the curve of her back and you love the way she moans at the simple touch, “I don’t need answers. I just need you when you’re with me, Kwon Yuri.”

 

You are not really good in a lot of things. But , Kwon Yuri always makes you feel like you can conquer the world with the bare minimum that you have.

 

Her mantras of pleas, the way her body responds to the sweeping of your flesh to hers, the escape of your name in her lips, Yoona, those somehow convinces you to a certain extent that perhaps, despite the wrongfulness of it all, you are doing things right with Kwon Yuri.

 

That is enough to swallow back the unshed tears in your eyes because in as much as you do things right with her, you remain to be the thorn in her picture-perfect relationship with Juran.

 

You remain to be the other girl.

 

And that will never not burn you and the flourishing feelings bubbling inside you.

 

 

***

 

 

That night, when Yuri drops you off your apartment, she pulled you in for a searing kiss full of something that you cannot pinpoint. But you reciprocated nonetheless. You put everything into the kiss especially of the things your mouth fails to speak and perhaps she heard it.

 

Because when you two pulled away, she was looking at you like that.

 

Like she’s in love with you too.

 

 

***

 

 

Or maybe not.

 

Maybe it was just the alcohol you have consumed that night that caused you to see things in Yuri’s eyes that will never come true.

 

Because the next thing you knew, buzzes of two medical students getting engaged spreads around the campus like a viral disease, leaving you nauseous and lightheaded.

 

You did not attend the important lectures that night. You are queasy and sick all of a sudden.

 

The walls in the lecture hall are starting to close in and it’s getting harder for you to breathe. You need to get out of here.

 

International Law lecture be damned.

 

 

***

 

 

The call didn’t come that night.

 

Nor the next night.

 

Two days turned into three, four, then a week, two weeks.

 

Next thing you know, the months have passed and the semester’s about to end.

 

It was hard at first. , you’ve cried yourself to sleep for three months straight, berating yourself how you are not enough or will you ever be enough for a certain tanned girl.

 

You stop being social. You don’t go out much anymore, afraid that you will run into the newly engaged couple somewhere in the university.

 

Instead, you lost yourself in your books. Lost yourself in the unhealthy routine of caffeine and sleepless nights for the horrendous recital and demands of law school.

 

Good thing you have that side of life or you do not know what you might have done. Law school somehow kept you grounded, giving you something to occupy your mind that was infiltrated by the thoughts of her.

 

It was your escape. And you are grateful.

 

You’ve developed your friendship with Kim Taeyeon, too.

 

It was awkward for you at first, knowing the deep feelings the girl has harbored for you. But she has repeatedly reassured you that she is okay now and that being friends is better than not having you at all.

 

Taeyeon was a literal angel and you are thankful for her.

 

She’s seeing a rising businesswoman nowadays, having met in a Gala that she happened to attend one fateful night. The name’s something with a Jung. Jennifer? Jessica? You can’t remember.

 

But seeing as your newly-found bestfriend is happy with her love life, you are happy too.

 

Tonight was one of those nights that you decided to get out of your apartment, having finished the six titles of the civil code and forty cases assigned to you. Taeyeon managed to convince you to grab a dinner with her because Me is starving, Im Yoong, I need to be fed.

 

Taeyeon kinda doing aegyo to you is a once in a blue moon phenomenon so you almost sprained your ankle when you scrambled to get the coat hanging at the back of your door.

 

The Kim’s ahjumma laugh resonated throughout your apartment and it’s a typical night for the two of you.

 

Until it isn’t.

 

It isn’t because the moment you and Taeyeon steps out, Kwon Yuri is standing on the other side of your door, looking all breathtaking as per usual.

 

And you? You are left staring agape at the very person who had caused your emotional distress for the past six months, perhaps even longer.

 

You didn’t miss the way her eyes flickered to Taeyeon who was giggling beside you. The Kim immediately shut the moment she identified the figure on your door.

 

The three of you stood silent for a moment, you and Yuri getting lost in the intense eye-staring you both caught on while you felt Taeyeon’s awkwardness beside you.

 

It was Kwon Yuri who cut through the silence.

 

“Hey,” clearing at the hoarseness of her voice.

 

“Hey.” You easily responded, eyes never leaving Kwon Yuri’s chocolate eyes. The bags under her eyes are noticeable and the usual brightness in them are replaced with something akin to exhaustion.

 

Overall, Kwon Yuri looks like a mess.

 

But it doesn’t as much change the effect she has in you. Your heart still skips a beat inside your ribcage at the sight of her. Your hands still become clammy and your words still fail you when she’s in close proximity.

 

Nothing has change since the last time you saw her and you honestly do not know if this is a good thing or not.

 

“Uh,” Yuri starts, fidgeting as she stood there, “Are you busy? Can we talk?”

 

Your eyes travelled to the shorter figure by your side and you see Taeyeon already looking at you.

 

“Actually, Taeyeon and I—“

 

“—are doing nothing.” The Kim cut you off, rendering you speechless for a moment, “Yoona here was just sending me out since I have places to be.”

 

Taeyeon stares at you expectantly but you have nothing to say. You can’t believe she is doing this.

 

“Well, I have to go,” Taeyeon chirps, stepping out of your humble abode, “You email me the case digests for tomorrow okay? I need to read those.”

 

This . There are no cases to study for tomorrow since your Labor Law professor is on leave.

 

You nod your head nonetheless, knowing where she is going with this.

 

“Taeng?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

A small sigh escaped your lips at Kim Taeyeon’s selflessness, “Text me when you get home. Drive safely, okay?”

 

In return, you saw her lips stretching into a smile, “Of course. Yoong. Enjoy your night.”

 

With a slight bow of head directed at the Kwon, Taeyeon walks away, leaving you with Yuri and your growing anxiety.

 

 

***

 

 

“How are you?”

 

Was the first thing you hear from Kwon Yuri after a semester-long radio silence from her. You do not know how to feel about the question or what does she want to know upon asking it. The only thing you know right now is the need to address the elephant in the room that is starting to suffocate you.

 

“It depends on what context you’re asking me.”

 

Yuri’s eyes found yours, filled with the same intensity as the last time you see them up close. She immediately drops her gaze to her hands idly folded on her lap though as she sits on the couch across you. With the close proximity, you could see it in her eyes that she is struggling to make out of your answer.

 

So you made it easier for her.

 

“Why are you here Yuri?”

 

Truth to be told, you missed her. You miss seeing her in her scrubs and her presence that warms up your usually void apartment.

 

Most especially, you missed just being around her. Despite the complications of your relationship, in whatever context it means, you are exceptionally at ease when she is your company. There is just something about her, perhaps it is the Kwon charm, you don’t know, that always makes you feel drawn to her. Like she’s a magnet and you’re the helpless metal attracted to her.

 

16609. have to physically stop yourself from throwing yourself at the girl of your dreams sitting on your couch.

 

“I-I just want to talk.”

 

Nine words in total of your entire conversation and you are left unstable and questioning and still so into Yuri. Not that you’re counting her words, of course not.

 

“What do you want to talk about?”

 

“Us.”

 

You freeze at that, wondering if you heard her right.

 

“Us?”

 

Yuri still refuses to meet your eyes but she responded with a meek nod, confirming that your ears are working just fine.

 

“Yes. Us, Yoona.”

 

A humorless laugh escaped your lips before you could even stop yourself.

 

“I didn’t know there was an us..”

 

It is from that question that Yuri whipped her head to look at you.

 

“Yoona..”

 

“Yuri can’t do this.” You whispered, shutting your eyes to keep your emotions at bay (and the feelings that kept on creeping back), “You can’t just waltz in here claiming that there was an us on that charade we once played. You can’t do this to me. Stop doing this to me.”

 

“It wasn’t just a charade for me Yoona,” Yuri mutters under her breath, “We both know, no, we both felt it. It was more than that.”

 

“Was it really like that for you?” you asked back. But it was a tired, mumbled inquiry that weighed much more than the vacuum sitting at the corner of your apartment, “Because if it was, you could have chosen me when you realized it wasn’t working out for you and Juran anymore. You could have saved me from the guilt of getting behind her back and pretend that I’m not dying inside to hold you like the queen that you are whenever I see her holding you with such indifference. You and I both know that it was a dead relationship and you’re the only one struggling to keep it alive. But instead of just ending it, you kept going around in circles trying to save something that has long been dead.” The humorless laugh spilling out of your mouth tasting like bile in your tongue, “If it was really more than just that, you wouldn’t have said yes to her.”

 

“Juran’s been my person since college, Yoona” Yuri squeaks, her voice broken and dry, “We’ve been together for years. Yeah, things started to go downhill since we started med school; but that didn’t change the fact that I’ve shared a lot of memories together with her. She’s my bestfriend. My soulmate. She’s my safe place.”

 

“Then why are you here?” you whispered, sounding the most defeated since you can remember, “If you are claiming that Juran is indeed that person for you, why are you telling me this when you perfectly know how I feel about you?”

 

You are ready to hear excuses, just like any other time when you were this close to discussing the real deal of your relationship.

 

But you would rather hear those empty defenses than the next words she would drop.

 

“Because I’m leaving tomorrow.”

 

You had to make sure you heard her right, “What?”

 

“I’m leaving tomorrow Yoona,” Yuri confirmed, your brain suddenly going more haywire at the revelation, “I decided to continue my residency in U.S. One of the most prestigious hospitals in New York is offering an internship and I’m going to apply there, see if I can get in.”

 

“And Juran?”

 

“I’ve broken off with her.”

 

The silence that sits after her statement stretches, allowing you to hear Yuri’s labored breaths that are competing with your own.

 

You honestly don’t know what to do with all these information being shoved at you.

 

“What does that mean?”

 

Yuri exhales through her nose, turning her head to look at you, “I called off the engagement. I broke up with her. I cancelled everything. How else do you want me to say it?”

 

You met Yuri’s tired eyes halfway and you see every bit of emotions reflecting through them, wanting to all the sadness and anguish and flush it down the toilet so that what will be left is her happy smile and a happy Yuri.

 

But you can’t. You yourself is unstable emotion-wise, not with all the bombs she just dropped tonight.

 

For now, all you could do is heave a sigh or two to ease yourself even just for a bit, be the bigger guy in the conversation and not match Yuri’s growing frustration. As calm as your bothered self could, you stretch your arm for her and beckon her to, “C’mere.”

 

“What?”

 

“Just come here, Yuri.”

 

After a moment of hesitation, she slides herself towards you, tentatively looking at you, perhaps for some sort of confirmation, which you answered with a knowing look.

 

Eventually, she is nestling herself on your chest and you are encircling your arms around her.

 

Everything just seems to fall into place with her under your embrace. Time seems to stop ticking and it’s only you and Yuri and the elephant in the room that needs to be addressed.

 

“Tell me what I need to know and I will listen,” you say, her shoulder to ease her tensed muscles, “Tell me so I will understand.”

 

Yuri exhales noisily under you, slowly feeling the tension weighing on her body altogether dissipating with the sigh she let out.

 

“I don’t know what has gotten into me, Yoona,” the tanned girl starts after a moment, “At one point I was certain that she is the one for me, making me say yes to the proposal. Things started to go back to what we used to be before med school, I thought we were doing great. But then, when the lights would be off and I’d be alone in my thoughts, my mind will drift to you.”

 

Your fingers froze mid-.

 

“Thoughts of your smile, the warmth of your body, your delicate touches, your lips on my lips. Even your hoarse voice or just your mere presence beside me, it’s been haunting me for the past months, Yoona.”

 

Yuri shifts and looks up at you, cupping your cheeks with her soft hands as your eyes meet in the most intimate way you have ever shared before.

 

“I will not settle down with someone when all I’ve been thinking about is you and your unbelievably pretty face and pretty smile and pretty mind. You’re all I’ve been thinking about when I’m with Juran. It’s you, Yoona. It has been you for a while now and you will be for a long time if you allow me.”

 

The gravity of her words made you flutter your eyes close, leaning your forehead on hers as you felt yourself melting at the unexpected, sweet declaration of Kwon Yuri herself.

 

“Do you really mean it?”

 

Yuri responded with a vigorous nod, “Every single word of it.”

 

You tentatively wet your lips with your tongue, bracing yourself for the next thing you are going to ask of her.

 

“Then stay.” You breathed in one go, “Stay with me, Yuri.”

 

You know what you are asking is too much but you can’t stop yourself.

 

“I can’t Yoong..”

 

A heavy sigh escaped your lips at the slip of your nickname that sounded so, so Yuri and you wonder if there will ever come a time that she will ever say your name in a tone other than goodbye.

 

“I need to do this. I need space and time to sort out what I feel about things”

 

“I thought you feel the same way as I do?”

 

“I do. God, babe, I do feel the same way, okay?” Yuri tugs you to open your eyes and look at her, “But I need to do this. We’ve been so impulsive and spontaneous with our acts and I think we need to slow things down this time. If we are doing this for real, I want to do things right. And it starts with us re-buildings ourselves back to the determined students that we were. Do things that will contribute to our prospective professions. Keep ourselves busy in improving for our respective careers. Because honestly, Yoona, your fine, gorgeous always kept me distracted and on edge. I can’t think straight at the thought of you and your abs behind those white shirts, although I am positive that I am anything but straight.”

 

A teary chuckle spilled from your lips because somehow, despite the intensity of everything, Yuri was able to insert her corny pun amidst it all.

 

“You’re not Kwon Yuri if you didn’t say that.”

 

“And you’re not Im Yoona if you didn’t react just like that.”

 

Easy, significant smiles sit on both of your lips, eyes talking with a degree of understanding that only you both know and comprehend.

 

This could possibly be the last time you will see Yuri for a long time, the last time you will be in the same space as her. You will not let this night go without at least bringing with you something that is a part of Kwon Yuri.

 

So you opted to ask.

 

“Can I kiss you?”

 

You asked just above a whisper, afraid that anyone besides Yuri could hear the meaning behind the question.

 

The sparkle in her eyes when she answered you says it all that she understood just fine.

 

“I thought you’d never ask.”

 

In no time, you pull her down for a kiss, tugging the collars of her sweatshirt as you found your fingertips pining to feel Yuri’s skin. Soon, you are tasting salty tears and hurried tongue and a weight on your lap.

 

The kiss was full and slow and searing and everything you wanted to have in the world.

 

A hem of a shirt is being tugged and the tips of your zealous fingers starts grazing the dip of Yuri’s back. Someone moans someone’s name, you don’t know who, and the very thin lining of where you start and where each other begins blurs in the heat of the exchanging passion and ardor.

 

What you do know is that the feeling of being pressed against each other and the warmth spreading like wildfire at the moment needed to be subdued or else you will burn down with it.

 

Hence, pushing back the thoughts of Yuri leaving and the sound of your heart beating crazy against your ribcage, you push yourself up from the couch with Yuri’s strong legs encircled around your lower back.

 

Flesh to flesh. Nose to nose. Lips on lips.

 

You are this close with Kwon Yuri and you hope that your meager endowments will be enough to make her feel how much she means to you and how much you fervently wish she could stay, despite the impossibility of it at the moment.

 

That night, Yuri milked your sheet. It’s Yuri and her shrill moans that resounded through the walls of your apartment. It’s her husky voice that screamed your name when you got down for a feast.

 

That night, it was Kwon Yuri who pecked your lips with a lop-sided grin before falling into slumber.

 

And you, Im Yoona, was beyond contented and elated because even if you woke up to an empty bed the next morning, your heart is full knowing that Kwon Yuri has secured her spot on that place and it is likely that she would willingly occupy the exact same place in the near future with no inhibition whatsoever.

 

All you have to do is wait.

 

And wait you will.

 

_________________________

A/N: Wooh! My longest one-shot to date! This was supposed to be a gift for troopers on February 14^th but I thought you wouldn’t want to read something akin to tragedy on Valentine’s day, assuming y’all had your respective Valentinas and Valentinos? Anyway, let me sleep. It’s 5AM in my country and I have work on 8 lol. Belated happy V(itter)-day! Lmao. Tell me how the story was and fill me with your comments! Love love~

 

PS: WAKE UP YOONYUL! WAKE UP FROM YOUR SLUMBER SAVE HUMANITY FROM EXTINCTION! K bye.