Sometimes it's hard to try.

I try to live my life. But even living is hard. 

"Do you think ten years down the road, we will be happier?"

I look at her. Her expression is of genuine curiosity. This girl has her entire life figured out. She's set for life. I wonder why she would even ask me that.

"You'll be happier. I can't say the same for me, Joohyun. I don't know where life will bring me to."

Joohyun frowns, then shakes her head slightly in disapproval. "You have a bright future, Seungwan. You're going to be a successful surgeon."

I bite back a scoff. Me, a surgeon? I can barely live, forcing myself to survive day by day, what more save the lives of others? I guess that's the irony in life. 

The conversation dies there. I have nothing else to add on. And then she speaks-

"Seungwan, do you think everyone deserves a happy ending?"

"Ideally, yes. Realistically, no."

"Explain please, dear Miss Smarty Pants."

I chuckle, dragging a finger across the dusty ground. "Does everyone deserve happiness?"

"Yes, I believe everyone is entitled to be happy." It's admirable how Joohyun always see the good in everyone. Her views are often so idealistic, but again who am I to burst her bubble?

"We say everyone deserves happiness. Do dictators deserve happiness? Do serial killers or rapists deserve happiness? Do your cheating partners deserve happiness?"

Joohyun falls silence. She bites the corner of her lower lip, her brows curving downward. "I guess it depends," she concludes, tentatively.

"If happiness was quantifiable like money, would we have handed out happiness as easily?"

Joohyun chuckles this time. "Ah, I guess that's why I've been so broke," she beams. 

I can't help but return the smile, albeit a faint one. I wish we could swap places.

Joohyun, you one lucky bastard.

I've always been an average kid. Top of the cohort annually. It stops there. People say I'm smart, but I'm not. I work hard. Intelligent people don't have to work hard, do they?

Joohyun, on the other hand, is above average. She slacks off a lot in every class. She's the top of the cohort yearly too, though in reversed order. Regardless, this is by choice. Irene chooses to be lazy because she doesn't see a point in studying. She's not dumb; I've engaged in multiple intellectual conversations with her, and her level of intellect (when she's not lazy to use her brain) more often than not leaves me amazed. 

"Here, I bought this for you." Joohyun takes my hand. As soon as she releases her grasp, I feel the cool metal surface on my skin. I look at her, confused.

She smiles sheepishly. "It's a dove necklace. I got us a pair of matching ones." She points to the necklace around her neck, with the dove pendant resting above her heart.

"Thank you, sweetheart," I chuckle, clinging onto her warmth.

We have never been the type to use terms of endearment, even though we have been together for close to three years. Our relationship has been pretty low profile, and both of us prefer it to remain that way.

"This Sunday is our anniversary. Where would you like to eat? It'll be my treat."

Joohyun grins. "I'm okay with anything, sweetheart. As long as I get to spend time with you."

We never got to celebrate our third anniversary together. Joohyun dropped a bomb the day before our supposed celebration. She tried to hide it, but I kept prying. It left us both shattered. She kept me afloat.

That night, I cried so hard I thought I could never see the world again.

Joohyun sits next to me. Our legs dangle over the ledge as we look across the horizon. She wraps her arm around my waist, and leaves a soft kiss on the crown of my head. 

"I love you," she whispers tenderly.

I hold back my sob. "Don't go," I plead.

Joohyun heaves a deep sigh, a wretched expression etches on her look. "If I have a choice, you know I would stay, Seungwan. This is not within my control, love."

She makes sense. She always does. She takes my hand once more, and this time, she leaves a piece of paper on my palm. "Read it," she says, "when you're home."

I nod, and hold her closer to me.

I miss you, Seungwan. And I'm already missing the moment I have yet to spend with you. Because I know I can't. Everyday I keep wondering of all the possibilities we could have together, yet can't have. I could go on and on and on but right now, I am so devastated about the fact that many years later, the only thing I can provide you are my words on this paper, and our memories together. Even then, it's not enough. It will never be enough. Life is so cruel and it's taking away my days from me when all I want to do is to spend time with the people I love, especially you. I am utterly heartbroken at the fact that I did not spend more time with you, and said insufficient 'I love you's to you. I am scared, Seungwan. It scares me so much to think that with each passing day, I am closer to my end. I feel like I'm slipping away. I wish I could kiss, hug and tell you that when I leave this world, you will be fine, that you don't have to be heartbroken, devastated or angry. But who am I to say all these to you, when I know that if our roles were reversed, I would feel beyond heartbroken.

I stop reading. 

"You have a bright future, Seungwan. You're going to be a successful surgeon."

Joohyun's words ring in my head.

Everyone knew what happened to Joohyun on that Friday night. 

---

"Irene, this letter's for you."

The brunette took the envelope from her mother, brows knotted in confusion.

"Do you know who the sender would be?" her mother asked. "I found the envelop under our door."

Irene shrugged. "I have no idea." She headed back to her room, and settled on her bed to open the envelop, which had her name, Bae Irene written on it in uppercase.

Slowly, she unfolded the paper and read the contents of the letter.

"Dear Mine," she began, and it clicked immediately in her head. 

Wendy. 

It's Wendy, the girl she met at the airport. 

She continued reading, hoping to find answers to the sudden surge of questions racing through her mind.

I'm sure you're wondering how I managed to find your address. I have my ways of course, ha... Oh fine, I got my lawyer to help me find you. He has his connections, and well, he doesn't disappoint.

I'm sorry we immediately cut off contact after our first encounter. I would prefer not to be in contact with anyone anymore or establish new friendships seeing how...well you know, I won't see all these people many years later.

I'm sure you've been wondering why I decided to approach you, of all people at the airport. Now, let me tell you another secret of mine...

You look exactly like my girlfriend. They said there are seven people with the same face in the world, I guess it's true after meeting you. It felt like I was speaking to her again. 

Your personality didn't disappoint me. And, honestly Irene, I am so thankful that I got to meet you before we both meet our deadlines. Thank you, Irene for lending me a listening ear. You have no idea how painful it has been for me to cope with my girlfriend's death. 

I'll tell you another secret, Irene. I didn't kill her. She left me a letter, and god, do I wish I had read it till the very end. Her final sentence on her letter to me was 'I will not be in this world by the time you try to reach me'. Irene, when I reached my girlfriend's house, she was dead. But that was where I got greedy. She left me, knowing how utterly crushed I would be. I couldn't let the world have her. So I took her heart and preserved it, this, I confessed to you when we met. Please don't ask me why I was so insistent in admitting that I killed her. I couldn't bring myself to end my life, no matter how hard living has been for me. If there is anyone who had to have my life taken way, it would be the law, or the higher-being. You said we're the author of our books, but I don't have the courage to write my own ending.

So I beg everyday, to be reunited with my girlfriend again.

I don't believe in heaven or hell, but if the afterlife does exist, I hope that I would get to introduce my girlfriend to you.

Be happy, Irene. Happiness, in any form, is the best comfort anyone can ever have for themselves.

Take care. 

Yours truly,

Seungwan

***

Yeah, I said it was going to be similar to deadline. I didn't think the story would turn out this way. I decided to write it simple and straightforward as I have completely lost touch with writing. i'm not sure if you'd be unsatisfied with how i left this hanging, but i guess it's the best to leave it up to your own intepretation :)