It's been about three weeks. Or four.

It was about four weeks ago that I went to Kyungsoo's dorm to sleep over, and something just didn't feel right. Not the process of getting there, no, not that. When Kyungsoo recieved me at his door, like he always did, kissing him didn't feel right. So I let it go, I thought it was weird, but it couldn't be that important.

Sure, there has been a few fights, or maybe a little bit more than a few. But there wasn't a recent one, that I could've blamed the weird feeling on. So we went on with our couple weekend, like we always did. Watching a movie on his bed, saying will do some homeworkk, sitting at his desk, taking out the notebooks but not actually getting done any of it. Then going to bed, , a little bit of kissing, which again, didn't feel right, getting out of our clothes, which was the most awkward thing so far, then, for the first time in a long while, trying to have .

That's right, trying. Me Kim, ing king of ing, of , the attention , Jongin, couldn't have . Because it didn't feel good. It felt wrong. And I coudln't stop the need of covering up, away from his stare, and away from his hands. Which obviosly I counldn't have done. He would have felt bad or that it was his fault, so I told him that I was too stressed and  somehow wasn't in the mood. And I bet that was something that didn't sound right to him. Stress would never stop me from a good bone. But still, we stopped, and I dragged all this thoughts and feelings through the whole length of the weekend. 

Finally, which sounds too wrong to say, the weekend was over, and I went back to my dorm.

The new week started and I thought the thoughts would disappear, I'm writing this so they obviously didn't. Instead they got stronger and stronger with each passing minute, until I couldn't bear it so I called Lay. Our peer from our hometown.

Yes! I said our, thank you from noticing.

This is was makes the situation all the much difficult. Let me give you guys some context. Kyungsoo and I and all the rest of our friends met in high school. Since then Kyungsoo was this beautiful beautiful boy. As shy as he could get, with the most gorgeous voice I had ever heard, even when plain speaking. Even from afar you could see that he was very vary hardly sealed inside his shell. That he was someone who could hardly open up to people, if he ever had before. We were just 14, so innocent, and pure with the whole world ahead of us. I mean, we still do, but it's harder to see that from this perspective.

Anyways, I could see how reserved of a guy he was, and being the nosy bastard I am, I reached out to him. He obviously hated being around me at first. I managed to find a way of getting him into my friend circle, and I did. I managed to get him more and more comfortable talking to us, until one day all of us became... us. It was Kris, Lay, Sehun, me and him, against the universe. We had an amazing friendship. But little by little, still thanks to my nosiness, the two of us started becoming closer than the rest. I talked to him about the boyfriend I had at that time, and he talked to me about the girl that he liked but never managed to become anything with. I had had two boyfriends at that time, he had never had a girlfriend. At some point he and I among the group became best friends.

On day I kissed him, and that's sort of how the relationship started. It was a bit hard at first, since he had never let anybody close enough. But we made through, with my will, there was no way we wouldn't. I was determined to be his pillar for everything, I was determined to protect him from everyone and everything. No one could toch him, Kyungsoo was mine. And now that I think about it, it was probably my fault that we became so dependent on each other in the first place.

I couldn't see that of course, not at first and not for the longest time. I only thought that or relationship was meant to be a beautiful, very bonded one. All I could think of back then it was how lucky I was of breaking his shell, of him letting me in there as well. Second mistake, I started closing myself off to everyone instead of getting him out. Which I thought I did, and it was wrong too. That's him, a die hard introvert, and me a total people person, a total flirt, even if not to actually flirt, I loved flirting with life, because life is beautiful, and I also took that way from myself. I shouldn't have tried to save him, or to fix him. Because he was broken, and so was I. And that is okay. You can't or at least you shouldn't change someone just because in your opinion that would make him a better person.

Still I didn't notice how wrong it was. So because I wanted to fit in more into his llikes, I started studying more, that's good. But I also started being more reserved myself, because he became jealus so easily, that I stopped hugging the friends I used to hug, I stopped talking to to other people as much as I used to, I stopped partying, I -mostly- stopped doing ual jokes. Because I didn't want him to worry, or think that he might loose me. Which is the new mistake that will bring us back to present day. I tried so hard to make him sure that I wasn't going anywhere, that he believed it.

And I can't pinpoint an exact date, but it's been some time since he just stopped trying. Trying to do cute things for me when it wasn't a special date. Then also not doing enough when it actually was a special day, not writing a letter, not planning something different from what we always do. And since we started college it has always been me that goes to his place. At first because it was too far, although it is actually just as far for me as it is for me. Of me being late sometimes to classes on monday because he wanted me to stay over, so I did. And maybe it's fine. Maybe it is me that does too much. But I can't help but think that it is always me who walks the farthest distance, it is me who agreed to stop visiting new restaurants before Kyungsoo liked the ones we already frequently visited. It is me who stopped going to parties or even casual friends outing because I would spend the weekend with him -like I always do- and eventhough I invited him he didn't want to go, and he never asked me not to go, but I didn't want him to feel insecure. We used to share everything, and from last summer on we started, fighting, a lot. I really didn't know why at first, and then after many many rounds I noticed. Everytime I wanted to talk about my feelings, he got mad, because I was thinking stupid things, because why couldn't I just stop thinking about it. This was specially bad when I wanted to talk about issues I noticed in the relationship. So one day I asked him if he would like me to stop sharing my insecurities with him, which was actually in the peak of my anxiety. And he didn't reply -he never does. Spoiler alert- I didn stop sharing my feelings, and the relationship magically got so much better. So I was sad, and frustrated and closeted, but the relationship was happy. So I was happy, right?

I was so Kyunsoo absorbed that I forgot who I was. Who Kim -the apple - Jongin was.

And more so I'm curious of what (should I call it destiny or God or new harder subjects, we'll never now) made me realize all this just now. Why didn't I notice all this the previous 3 years of relationship, why now? After all those baby (husky) planning. After all those wedding -actually just from my part- planning. And it is funny, that I spent so much time thinking of our wedding and our puppies and our cars and our dream jobs together, that I forgot I was 19. And now I realize that my whole ing life is ahead of me. And I can't spend them with some one whose comfort zone is the size of a sheet of paper. I had so many plans for college before, that when we made the decission of moving to the same city and continuing with the relationship, just got automatically cancelled.

I hoped, I so so hoped that this feelings would go away. Our relationship, in the eyes of everyone is perfect, in the eyes of our friends from high school, of his mother. How can I let all those people, that are rooting so hard for us, down. But they haven't and they have just gotten stronger.

I must be really bad at hiding it, because he noticed. He confronted me, two days ago he texted me, with tears in his eyes I couldn't see but I could feel. Someone was making my best friend cry and that someone was me. I thought it would all end right then and there. And I won't lie, I felt relieved. But it didn't, and now I keep thinking, and thinking, and thinking. I keep thinking of what his mother will think of me. Of what our friends woudl think of me. Of what my grandmother will think of me.

Everybody thinks our relationship is perfect. Because Kyungsoo is actually the perfect son-in-law. The perfect student. he will definitely be the perfect doctor once whe graduates. And at the same time he is so frail, so so delicate. For the past year beause of school and basically just life his emotions have been pending on a thread. And I have been there to hold him, to stop him from falling, to stop him from dropping out. And still, as the very same day we became friends to guard him from the world. He has hurt himself before, what will stop him from doing it again? If he does it will be my fault, and I won't be able to forgive myself. There is no way that I won't be the bad one in the story. Selfish Jongin did it again. If only they knew how much I neglected myself for him.

So I have -at least tried- hidden my feelings. And I have been trying to convince myself it will pass. But if I'm being realistic I don't think it will. I really don't want to make rushed decision, that's what I tell myself, and it is actually the only reason why I haven't acted. I have shared it with all the people I trust, some say to let it cool down a little. Some say that if it is making me so restless I shoould just talk to him. I don't want to make a decission and regret. I don't want to not be able to come back to him in case I need to. I can't picture myself giving him a last kiss and move on. Although I want to move on, so so badly.  And being scared of being alone is no good reason for staying in a relationship.

But Kyungsoo is still so beautiful in my eyes. And he still is so so perfect. I believe none of what's happening is his fault. Because I let it happen in the first place, my actions caused a butterfly effect and I don't think I can turn it around now. Kyungsoo is still so deserving of love, and so perfect. He doesn't deserve to hurt, he doesn't deserve to be alone. And here we go again at why this decission is so unclear

I want to be me. I want to own the name Kim Jongin again. Or more so, I want to get to know Kim Jongin. The last one I knew was 16 and stupid. This one is 19, still stupid, but I think he has evolved. I want to meet him, get him out from where he is, give him the opportunity to face the world by himself, and see how bad he does so I can laugh about it in the future.

I used to want Kyungsoo more than anything in the world. That was my first up.

Now I want Jongin, and I want him in his full splendor. Because I loved Kyungsoo for so long. But I can't remember of any moment in my life in which I have honestly felt like I love Jongin.

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If you haven't figured out, this is more of a personal journal entry than an actual fanfic, I'm sorry, but thank you if you read it.

Please do tell me if you feel in the least related to this. And if you have any critiques or advice, I will also be glad to read it

Thank you for reading.