Kim Jongin thinks Kang Seulgi deserves better – that she deserves better than someone like him. And he makes a note that, he must stress it out to her.

But here’s what Kim Jongin does not know about Kang Seulgi’s thoughts: Seulgi knows deep inside her heart that she already had the best and she had known it all along.

Seulgi just has acknowledged all the love that he can offer when he was letting her go. And maybe she didn’t mind it back then. And maybe Seulgi was an idiot. She is. She still is.

Jongin makes it a point to her that he needs to let her go because she deserves better.

What Jongin doesn’t realize is this: Seulgi was on her breaking point and everything felt lonely as she falls back into the heavy burden that weighs on her shoulder. And Jongin ended up being an outlet for her own pent-up frustrations that she wanted to be better than ever.

Seulgi saw how he fought so hard to give her all the love and the attention she needed. Seulgi saw everything and she had decided to either shut her eye or turn a blind eye for everything.

But deep, deep down – right through the core of her heart – through the little spaces inside her mind, Jongin was pulling all the strings inside her heart.

It scared her so much how another individual could love someone like her – someone like her who lies through her gritted teeth yet pretends to smile to every everyone she knows.

It frightened her how so much love could Jongin offer for her and Seulgi didn’t even know where to find the conclusion how anyone could ever love her.

She already had her fixed ed-up mindset and decided that she would be alone forever so how come this guy had decided to even take a step to like her?

That while Kim Jongin is a hundred percent invested on proving that he was worth it; Kang Seulgi laughed at herself. She laughed everything off inside her mind even though the idea of not being good enough yet for him made her stomach churn and all her insides burn.

That while Kang Seulgi persisted and continuously told him that everything was and felt like a mess, that his actions were a complicated mess. And she kept pushing the idea to him that she was the one who was making adjustments in whatever thing they’re in – Kang Seulgi knew that every single thing she believes in is nothing but a piece of lie (and even bull, that is.)

Seulgi was breaking her own heart in the process already.

“I don’t ing deserve you, Kim Jongin.”

Seulgi cries at night and blames everything to her own self. Seulgi’s heart cries even harder in the morning whenever she sees Jongin – whenever he will flash her a smile – as genuine as he can be; and her heart aches and wrenches a little more.

She pushes the thought of him, but Seulgi has shown many fake faces and has built a lot of walls, she doesn’t even know what she should do.

‘We always accept the love we think we deserve’ and Seulgi wonders if she’s down for what Jongin can offer for her. The Kim Jongin who offers help to her whenever necessary; the Kim Jongin who only makes her smile; the Kim Jongin who has sacrificed way too much for her.

And what did she even do to reciprocate everything? To at least have something in return for all these good deeds that she didn’t even know if she could accept?

Seulgi did nothing. Seulgi doubted everything. Her fear of being loved ate and consumed her whole being – even her soul, probably. She questioned her own self and capability of being good enough for him. For being better for even in times when she needed to be. She questioned herself. And she even questioned his intentions.

Seulgi always asked him what he had liked about her.

But the truth was there are too many versions of her and she was frightened so much of showing and knowing what her true colors were.

The truth was Kim Jongin peeled away all her inhibitions and Kim Jongin is the reason why she wakes up in the morning with so much courage and strength to face the day. Kim Jongin is the reason why she wants to try and give love a chance. Kim Jongin is the reason why she wants to remove all the fake faces she had for herself. Kim Jongin is the reason why she wants to become a better person.

But Seulgi doesn’t know how to properly love someone. Because the truth is – the only thing that Seulgi knows best is lying.

And it was funny when he told her that he tried to become better for her but he ended up changing himself.

Seulgi cries at the lies she built. She wants to laugh at his statement because she wants to tell him that she knew and felt about his true feelings. She wants to laugh and cry and all the emotions to drown her so she can be able to tell him, “That’s funny, Kim Jongin; because you already are the best. There is no better guy because you are the best. There is no one better, because I had the best. Once had.

And Kang Seulgi thinks she doesn’t deserve him at his best when she’s not even good enough for him. She wants to try harder to at least be at par with what he has done for her.

The funny thing is; he believed otherwise.

Seulgi wanted to strive to be better but ended up pushing the wrong buttons. She was so broken – after all who is Kang Seulgi? Just a broken person that only knows how to lie, push people away, and the build more lies and walls.

She doubted him. She made him believe that it was always her who’s the better half. It was always her who listens and understands more. It was always her who gives more way. She pushed all these stupid ideas to him because she felt the pressure that’s weighted against her.

But the truth is inculcated in her all along. She knows to her heart that Jongin is the better half. He is the better one. He is enough. He is actually more than enough. He is the best. And maybe, between the two of them – Jongin is by far, the one who deserves better.

Seulgi felt all the feelings that Jongin offered for her. Seulgi, however, was afraid to face the reality and accept all of this from him when she  hasn’t even learned to love herself yet. How can she strive to be a better person for her own self, for him, for both of them -- when she hasn’t been fully able to accept her whole being yet?

And so she did what she was best doing. She didn’t know it was hurting him. But maybe that was what she does best – unintentionally hurting people and letting her own self writhe in pain in a more excruciating way.

Seulgi does have a knack on twisting things. She made him believe all those lies but she couldn’t tell him one simple truth: Kang Seulgi loved Kim Jongin with all her heart.

And so for the last time, Seulgi wanted for Jongin to get the message that he didn’t lack in any way. Seulgi wanted him to know that he was at her happiest when she was with him; that she learned to slowly slay her demons.

That there came a point in Seulgi’s life did she imagine building a family with Jongin. That the phrase that she had held on for so long – to be alone forever – was changed by Jongin. That she had badly wanted to kiss him in every second of her life. That the only hand she wanted to hold for the rest of her life is Kim Jongin’s very own. That she had finally wanted to risk it all in the name of love. That she had learned to have courage because of him. And that he is her greatest truth.

Because of Jongin, Seulgi slayed her demons and was able to erase the triggering voices inside her head.

She, however, wanted him to know that all the times she had doubted him – it was her own true self that she doubted. That in the process of before fully committing to him, she wanted to be at least good enough for him because she thought she lacked in a lot of things; and she wanted to be her best version of herself