There were a lot things Jiwon questioned throughout his life: should he audition? Should he go to Korea and train? Should he stay with YG or try his luck somewhere else? Should he do this? Should he do that? But there was always one consistent thing in his life he never questioned.

You.

You met when you were both eighteen, he was going through the trials of SMTM and you were the leader of a girl group who did the impossible their first year as a group. He remembers seeing your guys’ debut MV and immediately picking you out as his bias - as his dream girl.

He never fathomed he would meet you, this big star. You seemed a whole world away, but it seemed like destiny had other plans.

You happened to be at the set of SMTM that day, came in to talk to one of the rappers there for a collab for your group’s upcoming album and of course he was there to perform. He remembers how his breath caught in his throat and how he broke out into a cold sweat when he saw you enter the room; flashing that million dollar smile. He remembers the sound of your voice when you introduced yourself, the way it sounded warm like a cup of hot chocolate or a nice spring day.

He’s embarrassed to think about when you approached him, holding out your hand to shake his. Yours is soft and warm while his was rough and clammy. He remembers being taken aback by your perfect English, asking which part of ia he was from. He would later on learn you were from abroad also, studying in the States when you were scouted.

He wonders if this was all just a dream

The next year…was well, difficult in some ways. You two were just friends…yes, just friends. There were days were you two wouldn’t be able to talk because of your busy schedule - whether it would be an MV that needed to be shot, a variety appearance, a photoshoot. At night he would be ready to go to bed, tired, sore, and empty - but then you would appear in his room, holding a bag of food; somehow having bamboozled your way in (he always suspected there was a lot of threatening involved, you were always fierce when you wanted something). You were always cool as a cucumber, while he always felt that he was burning in the depths of hell.

He remembers those nights where you would talk about your mom, how she left one day when you were just a child. You would talk about how you disliked being leader sometimes, how sometimes you were the only person keeping the group together or how you’re the reason why it was being torn apart. He remembers the first time seeing you cry, having come over without warning looking for a fight, how you two yelled at each other before he realized you weren’t mad at him but at something else - the sorrow in his heart as your facade crumpled and you fell into his arms, sobbing about the fight with the member you were closest to.

He remembers how your fingers felt running through his hair as his head rested in your lap, letting out all the stress and fears of the present and future.

Then came that first kiss, an attempt to push a stray hair away led to him cupping your face - not being able to resist running his thumb over your skin (and as he suspected, your skin was soft as a feather) while you weren’t able to resist leaning over and pressing a quick kiss onto his lips.

He remembers the first time, the moans that tumbled out of your mouth - how sweet his name sounded. The image of your eyes drunk on lust, the way you looked with him in your mouth. How you felt around him, the way your body shook as your took over you.

He remembers loving the way you felt in his arms as you two fell asleep.

And he remembers the bitterness he felt waking up in the morning alone.

There’s a pain in his heart whenever he thinks about that night, the night when he confessed and you rejected. He understood though, he was just still a rookie and if anyone was to find out it might be the end for him and iKON. He remembers the despair running through him as your face pinches up, the fear in your eyes - he remembers seeing love too, but he knew that you wouldn’t be able to return it. He could only watch as you run out of the dorm, he could only wait and hope that maybe you would change your mind.

But January turned to March and he knew it wasn’t ever going to be the same.

He remembers the dismay upon seeing you stare at that other man, the red appearing on your cheeks, the soft smile. You used to look at him the same way and that hurt more than you leaving.

Then came what he thought was going to be the end, iKon had just finished the first part of their dome tour while your group was about to start theirs. He remembers you avoiding his eyes as you two meet, your group members greeting each other happily while you two stood awkwardly at the side. He remembers the shock at seeing you in the lobby of his hotel, following you up to the roof.  

He could still feel the cold of the night in his body, the sight of the Tokyo skyline still vivid in his mind. He could still remember your back facing him, how warm you felt as he back-hugged you, the way your head moved to give him more access to your neck as he pressed hot kisses into it.

The intenseness of the tryst in his hotel room always gave him mixed emotions - love and pain at the thought of how you held on so tightly onto him as he made love to you. He forces himself to remember the scent of your hair, the curve of your waist; to savor how soft your touch feels against his skin.

He remembers locking himself into the bathroom to cry when he learns about your new relationship a month later.

Looking back at it now, he was glad that you got together with that other guy. It helped show you that yes, you were capable of returning love.

The rest of the year passed, work kept him busy but you were still there in the back of his mind. He tried to date others, but they could never live up to you: live up to your determination, your fierceness, your sweetness, the way your smile lit up your whole face.

They weren’t you, he only wanted you.

He still remembers the conversation when you told him your favorite song was the one he specifically wrote about you. He can even still feel the pain in his heart, tears in his eyes, and the bitter smile on his face as he watches the video of you covering that song during one of your shows during your guys’ world tour.

When you came back, oh God it felt like a dream for him. His best friend, his love was back and he wasn’t going to let you go this time. He remembers how beautiful you looked with your hair fixed nicely when you came to have dinner in his new dorm, the fluttering in his heart as you pushed a gift box towards him - a new bracelet for him. He remembers days spent hanging out in his room or at your house - those nights video chatting each other while in the studio, working on music in comfortable silence.

He remembers the one time you both got drunk a night before a schedule, the kiss that tasted like alcohol, the tears streaming down your face as you kept saying ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry’ for that night when you declined his feelings. He hopes you know you never need to be sorry for that night.

He remembers when you both happened to be in Japan: sitting on the floor surrounded by snacks in his hotel room, you grabbed his hand, drawing indiscriminate patterns on his palm.

“I wanna be with you.” You had said the sentence so softly, he had almost missed it. It wasn’t the ‘I love you’ he was hoping to hear, but it was more than enough for him.

Ironically, it was you who confessed. A cold, snowy day at the park: a chill and anxiety hanging in the air as he watched you try to find the words that was needed.

“…I love you. I’m sorry I was too late to realize it. I’m sorry for all the I put you through, for all the other guys, for running away.”

“You already know that doesn’t matter to me, what matters is that you’re here now. You already know that I love you too.”

“…Jiwon, are you sure you want me?”

“I don’t want nobody else…you were always my girl since day one.”

Three years have passed since that day, it’s not cold anymore it’s a nice spring day. He feels his heart about to burst out of his chest as one of his hands holds yours, the other holds a picnic basket. Walking through the park you two eventually come across the bench where you had confessed. He watches you admire the beginning of the sunset while his legs keeps moving, he eventually gets a grip on himself and reaches into the picnic basket to take out an apple.

“If I break this apple in half in five seconds you have to marry me.” He watches your eyebrow up, that honey laugh erupting from you.

“And if you don’t?”

“Then I’ll keep doing it until I do so, I have a whole basket.”

“Alright, alright go and do it then.” You take your phone out and open the stopwatch, waiting expectantly. He finds himself saying a quick prayer to God that this works and grips the apple.

He does it in two, he does it in two seconds right as the sun goes down. The look of shock on your face as he gets down on one knee and takes out the ring will forever be etched into his mind.

“Marry me?” It was gamble to ask you to marry him and he knew that, but he knows he made the right choice as your face softens and joy shows in your eyes.

“Yes.”