unedited; hope you enjoy this small piece of my heart ❤

I was curious. Here I was, holding an ivory sheet marked with blue ink everywhere. It looked worn out, as if someone had been holding it before I was, and it was obvious the owner of this paper was nervous, thanks to the crumples all over the paper. I observed the handwriting and noticed how the words looked like they were desperately scribbled on the paper. Signs of smudges all over revealed that the writer wrote quickly, and with passion.

I held the letter in my hand and read the first line out loud.

“Dear Jiyong,

           You are so special to me.”

I in a breath and found it hard to focus on anything else. Emotions and memories of the past started flooding in and I started to feel a bit dizzy. My legs felt a bit weak and I found my way to a chair to avoid losing my balance.

I did not expect this piece of paper to evoke any feelings from myself and I found myself placing a hand over my chest to calm myself down.

I looked at the letter and decided to continue reading it.

“Three years. Why can’t I forget you, Jiyong? You’re stuck on my mind. It’s been three ing years. Everyone tells me, “That’s a long time.” They ask me if I’m truly okay. I say, “I’m fine. One day, I’ll just find another guy.” But I sigh because I tried to forget you, or the thought of being with you.

See, I thought I was the only one who cared about our relationship, but then we talked about the past and you admitted that you’ve felt the same before. It was just too late since we were never sure of each other’s feelings. We only stayed friends, nothing more, and I was torn. We both could have had it all, but we let it fall apart. We were just too afraid to make the final leap. Do you know how that feels? To know that you missed out on something that you’ve wanted for a long time?

Sometimes I wonder, do I miss you? Or am I just used to you? Please tell me, because I am getting confused. Sometimes I wish I never met you because you’ve led me on too much in the past and I know that it would be easier to deal with heartache if it never existed in the first place.

I feel pathetic. I doubt that you are thinking of me. I hate myself for writing these useless lines for you, who never gave me a second of your time. But like a fool, I write and hand you mine.

We were close friends that turned into strangers… look what she did. But then again, I can’t blame her for falling in love with you too. I may seem bitter now because of what she caused, but you also believed her lies, you didn’t even trust me. You both made me feel like I was at fault all this time, so I never told you how I felt, because I knew you’d never be mine.

In the end, I failed, I lost. With sadness, I doubt that our friendship will ever be the same. Good luck with her, I say this past my pain.

Even though you hurt me, I still thank you for the memories because it made me a stronger person. I have learned many things, thanks to you.

I’m sure I’ll love again, but you’re the one I’ll always look back to.

With love and gratitude,

Dara”

So yes, I was curious. Curious as to how my life would have been if I had ever handed this letter to Jiyong. Would he still be in love with his girlfriend? Would he think twice about marrying her?

I was curious. Would this letter even matter? Time had passed already and we both went our separate ways. I have not seen this letter in over four years. I shook my head in disbelief. Jiyong and I were a thing of the past and I was able to finally overcome that fact. So why I am even having any sort of feeling right now?

How do I feel? Well, I feel a bit sad for myself.

These words.

These words were written with so much sincerity but were never able to receive anything in return.

I feel sad for the old Dara. The one who cried as she wrote this letter in her room. The one who dealt with an unrequited love. The one who had words but was too afraid to say them. The one who loved Jiyong but would never get the chance to have him. The one who had a hard time getting over her “what if.”

I gave out a bitter smile as I looked over my love letter. A part of me felt a bit pathetic, thinking how I could have let a man make me feel so desperate and hurt, but that feeling washed away as I felt happy. Happy that I was able to even get the chance to feel love, or puppy love, or whatever that feeling for Jiyong was.

“At least you weren’t an ice-cold princess, Dara,” I let out a sigh.

At least you knew that your feelings were reciprocated at one point. But it’s a shame that it was too late.

I let out another sigh.

Liking Jiyong felt like being on a rollercoaster and I was instantly reminded of how I felt being on that specific rollercoaster.

First step of a rollercoaster? Feeling steady and excited. The roller coaster starts off slow, raising you up. Jiyong and I become best friends and at first, that was only what it was. That was the steady part of our past. The exciting part came when I started seeing Jiyong as more than a friend. The more exciting part? Well, it was when I felt the same vibes come from him. It was exciting and yet, so scary. It’s as if I was on a rollercoaster and I was going up. I knew that something would happen on the ride, but I just don’t know how it would make me feel and that was made it so exciting.

Second step of a rollercoaster? The first drop occurs. For me, it came so unexpectedly, that the drop wasn’t fun, instead, it was scary and made me feel nauseous. She came into the picture and our friendship of two became a friendship of three.

“Three is a damn crowd,” I mumbled.

Jiyong and I were still great friends, and at times I felt like he was flirtatious with me, but my hopes would die down once I would see her act flirtatious with him.

Third step of a rollercoaster? The second high occurs, and it makes you forget about the first drop. Tired of waiting for Jiyong to make a move, I followed my friends’ suggestions of moving on. They told me that waiting for Jiyong would only hurt me more, since he