Seulgi laid down on the soft grass of the park, resting her head on her arms as she observed the night sky painted with shimmering stars.

Her eyes travelled over the canvas searching for the luminous object which had accompanied her ever since she had breathed her first breath.

A star different from the others.

 

***

 

Between the billions of stars dominating the different galaxies, one was assigned to each of the nearly 8 billion humans roaming over the grounds of the earth, guiding them towards their soulmate, the one who would complete them.

The colour and the amount of brightness that one’s personal star would display, indicated the distance between them and their soulmate.

If the star seemed small and dim, it meant that their other half was far away.

If the star radiated an intense amount of light, it meant that the one they were searching for was near. A light that even the star of Sirius could not match, visible throughout days covered in glorious sunlight until the darkest of nights.

Solely the individual and their soulmate could see each other’s stars. Two glimmering orbs in the sky that symbolized their bond.

However, if one of them came to die, their star would fall from the sky and disappear. It was said that stars would fall so that their soulmates could occupy their places in the sky, which is why people often wished on a falling star, hoping for the safe arrival of their lover’s soul.

This is what her mother had told her and many others around her.

Seulgi had often wondered how it would feel like to meet her soulmate. People around her had always told her different things, expressed a variety of emotions, not one experience identical to the other, but each one unique in its own way.

This had been all Seulgi could think about, daydreams which lasted from the first second of opened eyes in the earliest of mornings to the last second as she laid in bed during the deepest nights, unable to fall asleep.

Unable to brush aside the turmoil she had been experiencing for what had seemed like an interminable amount of time.

 

Just before her best friend, Seungwan, had left on a vacation to visit her family in Canada, she had advised her to search for some peace in nature.

“I heard it works from others, so you could try that out?”

That’s what she had said after listening to Seulgi’s sighs and noticing the grave and gloomy tone in her voice.

“I guess I could…”, Seulgi had answered, not sounding very convinced.

“I wished I could help more Seul… are you sure you don’t want me to stay?”

The taller girl had immediately shaken her head, strongly against the idea.

“I’ll be fine”, she had said, forcing a smile.

She knew she wouldn’t.

However, the last thing she wanted was for Seungwan to miss out on spending New Years with her family, who she hadn’t seen for two years.

So, she had settled on wrapping her best friend in a tight hug when she dropped her at the airport, hoping that the feeling of security she experienced from their embrace would get her through a month without the person dearest to her.

But it had not been enough.

As soon as Seungwan had left, Seulgi could feel the emptiness in her soul increase, suffocating her and stabbing her heart.

She repeatedly wondered whether the void she felt was the result of the existence of soulmates. Whether it was fuelled by their absence in her life.

Seulgi and Seungwan had often called themselves each other’s platonic soulmates.

 

“We often talk about soulmates in romantic aspects and stuff but… I feel like platonic soulmates also exist, you know? Even if it is not as shiny as the stars, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist right?”, Seungwan had said.

“I think our friendship proves its existence”, Seulgi had answered, her smiling growing at the sight of her best friend’s bigger one.

“I think so too.”

 

Seulgi had meant what she had said, and she truly believed in it.

Whenever Seungwan was around, the agonizing feeling inside her would become more bearable.

And it gave her strength to continue and persevere.

 

However, though it became more bearable, its existence remained a fact and more often than not, Seulgi felt as if she was being buried into a dark hole, unable to scream and escape. As if nails dug into her heart and made it hurt and bleed and deepened her scars, leaving their marks on broken glass, scratching and scratching until she managed to snap out of her anguish, breathing heavily and searching for air.

She would wonder whether she herself was responsible for the despair she was living in.

She would wonder whether her soulmate would be able to help her.

It made Seulgi realize that even though Seungwan made things slightly lighter and more bearable, that it was not enough.

And this made her ponder on whether humanity had been right to grace the universe for blessing them with the strong bond of soulmates.

With their other half.

As it felt more like a curse to her than not.

***

She traced a line between the two stars, drawing a string which tied them together, pulling at it and hoping that it would bring them closer.

With a sigh, Seulgi let her arm fall to her side before carefully caressing her chest, feeling the stinging beats of her heart underneath her fingers and the tightening knot in her stomach.

 

As Seulgi found herself feeling trapped in the grand scheme of things, increasing with every minute that passed by, she thought about the possibility of another version of herself in some alternative universe who prayed for the existence of fate and predestined bonds between souls, tired of the chaotic sides of life.

A version of herself that wished for the unattainable.

Like she herself wished for the elimination of destiny.

Which had brought her more despair than hope.

 

With these heavy emotions in her heart, close to the feeling of being burnt to ashes, Seulgi lifted herself off the grass deciding that it was time to go home.

 

Home where she felt the loneliest, especially because of Seungwan’s absence.

And where she would spend the rest of the month thinking of her past, her present and her future. Of the stars, of love, life and death, everything in between and outside.

Wishing for a better life. A happier life.

Clinging to the last bit of hope remaining.

Her mind drowned in thoughts and her heart filled with tears.

 

She wiped off the bits of grass off her jacket, put her hands in her pockets and dragged herself through the busy park, filled with people spending their day together to celebrate their love in the light of Christmas.

Seulgi could not hear their voices, shutting them off, her eyes solely focused on the stars in the sky, her own voice loud in her ears.

 

What if what if what if what if

 

That’s all she could think about. Possibilities linked to bad endings.

 

She sighed once again, before redirecting her gaze away from the sky to look at the ground she was stepping, seeking to find peace in the earth instead of the clouds.

After walking for 30 minutes, taking a longer route in order to avoid the loneliness of her room as long as possible, not once having taken a look at the shining object painted on the canvas of the sky, she felt her eyes gaining a will of their own as her heart won the battle against her brain, forcing her to look up.

She had expected a few things.

For the two stars to shine as brightly, or as weakly, as before.

Or maybe, considering the amount of luck she had experienced in her lifetime, the absence of another star. A falling star.

She had expected everything, except for the reality.

The reality of the stars shining more brightly than ever before.

As if the sun had become the moon during the day.

And she felt her breath get caught in , her eyes widen and her heartbeat coming to a halt for a mere second.

A few seconds passed by before it had dawned on her. Before everything had sunk in.

Her gaze averted to all corners of the crowd-filled street.

Desperately looking for the one she had been searching for all these years.

Her gaze jumping from face to face, hoping for some sign of the universe, as if a halo would appear above her soulmate’s head, indicating who they were.

She searched desperately clinging to what if felt as if it was her last bit of hope.

As if this would be her only chance at happiness.

Her gaze shifted up and down, and she felt her heart cracking as she noticed how the stars began to gradually lose their brightness.

 

No, no, no! Please, please, please, don’t go, don’t go.

 

 

Unfortunately, destiny proved her again that it was not on her side as Seulgi’s eyes desperately searched for more glimpses of faces, more seconds of hope, only to find nothing.

She slowly came to a halt, as she looked up at the sky, seeing the brightness of the stars disappear, until she could no longer bear to look at it.

All sorts of questions ran through her head.

 

Didn’t they see the stars? Why didn’t they look for me? What if they had already seen me and felt like I wasn’t good enough? What if they found someone else already? What if I was never meant to find them?

 

She stared at the ground, the sight of it becoming blurry as tears filled her eyes, her body shaking, her heart filled with sorrow, more painful than ever before.

Seulgi let out a few shaky breaths, before resuming her walk back home, each step further away from the crowd creating a new crack inside of her.

Before she could turn around the corner and leave the busy street behind, she felt a hand gently grabbing her shoulder.

 

“Hey… are you… are you okay? Do you need any help?”, someone asked. A voice gentle and calming in her ears, filled with genuine concern.

Seulgi almost didn’t dare to look her in the eyes, knowing well how far from collected she looked, baring more resemblance to someone on the way to death rather than life.

Looking how she felt.

Yet, she did look up, her gaze meeting a pair of brown eyes, warm and reassuring.

Making her able to breathe again as if she had put her under a magical spell, slightly relieving some of her pain.

 

She shook her head.

“There is nothing you can do to help.”

The tone in her voice was colder and more distant than she wanted for it to sound, but in the end she didn’t really care.

She didn’t really care for anything anymore.

“Hm… is it really that bad?”

Seulgi scoffed as she wiped off her tears.

“When it comes to the stars, everything is bad.”

“Oh…”, the girl paused and thought about what to say. Seulgi observed her. She seemed young. Younger than herself. Around 20 years old. Her eyes sparked. Full of positivity, kindness and brightness as well as some hints of mischief. An interesting combination.

“Did you… did you lose your soulmate?”, she asked carefully.

Seulgi knew what she meant. She knew she was indirectly asking her about the possibility of a falling star.

And even though it wasn’t the case, the feelings she was experiencing seemed to be closely related to it.

“Something like that yes.”

“Ah… sorry…”

“It’s okay. I think I’ve just come to terms with the fact that I was destined to be alone anyways.’’

The girl thought for a moment. Contemplating on what to say, before speaking words Seulgi did not expect to hear.

“If it helps… I want you to know that even though you’ve lost your soulmate, it doesn’t mean that you can’t find love.”

Seulgi frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“Well… I like to believe that there is someone who is your soulmate, other than the one assigned to you by the stars.”

“Sounds kind of… I don’t know…”

The girl giggled.

“Yea, it sounds unbelievable huh? But it’s true. At least for me it is.”

Seulgi tilted her head to the right, slightly curious despite having the weak urge to fight it.

“How can you be so sure?”

“Well… a few years ago… I saw how my soulmate’s star fell…”

“Oh…”, Seulgi felt her heart tighten at the thought. At the pain that came with it. “Sorry…”

“It was quite hard for me. I had always dreamed about finding the one destined for me. It sounded so beautiful and the people around me seemed to be so happy… it had truly become the thing I was living for… so imagine what happened when my worst nightmare came to life…”

Seulgi remained silent, not knowing how to respond.

“I was inconsolable. I cried for such a long time, thinking that I had lost it all. That there was no reason for me to continue. That I would be forever alone… a few years had passed when I finally started to calm down more. And as I thought about it, in the end I realized that it was not over for me. That it didn’t mean the end, you know? So I focused on myself, school, work, friends and stuff like that. And I felt myself getting happier. And you know what?”

“What?”

“It was worth it. Eventually I let go off my hopelessness and it brought me far. Far enough to meet someone who felt like my soulmate, despite not being so-called star-official”, the girl smirked, hinting at the mischief Seulgi had noted in her eyes.

“She is more than I had ever could asked for, and I see myself to be unbelievably lucky to have met her.”

“But… but what about her… star-soulmate?”, the monolid girl couldn’t help but ask.

“He also died. Car accident. They actually had known each other since they were kids. It had broken her entirely… I guess in a way, it was even worse for her… since she had actually known him. But eventually… she came to the same conclusion as me. Don’t take this wrong. Of course it doesn’t mean her love for him wasn’t real. She still loves him. I would never ask her to stop. But… the way she looks at me, how she is around me… I don’t need any confirmation about how she feels for me. And that’s what she said about me and my star-soulmate as well.”

Seulgi briefly looked at her shoes, letting the story sink in, taking her words to heart.

“So… I want you to know that… this isn’t the end, okay?”’

The monolid girl rubbed the back of her neck, slightly nodding.

“Besides… New Year is coming up! Fresh starts, the usual cliché stuff, know what I mean?”, the girl’s smirk grew.

Seulgi couldn’t help but shoot a small smile back.

“Yea…”

“Good.”

“Hey, Yerim! I found us ice cream!”, a tall girl suddenly appeared with two cups of ice cream in her hands and a big smile on her face.

“Ah finally… I’m starving!”, Yerim took one of the cups in her hands, before giving the tall girl a small peck on her lips. Seulgi raised her eyebrows at the sight of the two eating ice cream during one of the coldest days that winter.

“By the way, your aunt has been texting me like crazy. Guess she didn’t enjoy the idea of us ditching her and Hyun”, the tall girl smirked.

“Ah, Taeyeon can be such a pain in the sometimes”, Yerim playfully rolled her eyes.

“She said your sister just took the bus back home.”

“Hyun has become immune to our mischiefs… I can’t believe it has finally happened! How disappointing…”

“Don’t worry. We’ll just up our game”, the tall girl wiggled her eyebrows, before scooping a bit of the ice cream with a small spoon and finally noticing Seulgi’s presence.

“Oh… hi… stranger… I’m Sooyoung!”, the tall girl slightly bowed.

“Seulgi…”

“Are you guys friends?’’

“Nope. I literally just met her”, Yerim casually answered.

“Oeh, sounds like an interesting story”, Sooyoung smiled. “I would like to hear more about it.”

“Uhm… I kind have to go home… I have stuff to do…”

“Hmhm… of course you do”, Yerim smiled a smile that said ‘I know you are lying but it’s okay. I understand.’

“It was…uh… nice to meet you… both of you…”

“It was nice meeting you too! Maybe we’ll see you around later”, Yerim said, making Seulgi frown in confusion. The young girl just shrugged.

“It’s just a possibility. Besides, I feel like we will.’’

“You know… Yerimmie is usually right about this sort of stuff”, Sooyoung said as she took another bite of her ice cream.

“Ah… she is, huh…”, Seulgi rubbed the back of her neck. “See you later then… I guess…”

The two girls waved as she walked away, and she shot one last polite smile before turning around the corner.

 

The wind blew through her hair, but she didn’t feel any of it, her thoughts wandering to the two girls she had left behind and more particularly Yerim’s story.

She thought about it and then thought about it some more, until she arrived home. After being greeted by unsettling silence, she focused on making dinner for herself. However, thoughts about the earlier story and the glimpse of her soulmate, and the stars constantly plagued her mind.

And eventually, she came to a decision.

That from that day on, she would no longer look at the sky. That she would no longer live in the clouds but remain rooted to the earth.

She would no longer allow for unrealistic dreams to control her life as they had brought her more sorrow than happiness contrary to what most people had told her about soulmates.

And she would no longer believe in fairy tales surrounded by stars.

 

***

Despite her protests and rebellion, Seulgi found herself being dragged to a New Year’s party by Byul and her girlfriend Yongsun.  

“Come on, it will be fun, I promise!”, Byul said, sounding very sure of her words.

“She is right! Some friends of ours are going to be there and I swear that whenever they are around you can’t help but lighten up”, Yongsun added.

“What is the point in going if I’m not going to watch the fireworks anyways?’’, Seulgi said. She found it hard to find something valuable about going to a party where the most important thing would be to look at the sky at midnight.

“Seul, it’s not just about the fireworks. It’s about being together during the ending of a year and the beginning of a new one!”, Byul protested.

“Correct that. Being together with the ones you love”, Yongsun said.

“Right… or in other words, where the both of you are going to be together and I’ll accompany you as the third-wheeler.”

“And since we are aware of our… habit… to ignore everyone else when are are together, I made sure to invite those friends of mine that I was talking about!’’, Yongsun said, dramatically waving her hands around to emphasize her point.

“What if I don’t like them?”

“You will!’’

“But what if I don’t?”

“Stop thinking about what-ifs and judge after you have met them okay? Stop overthinking things, Seul. You will get bald more quickly’’, Byul smirked.

“Shut up.”

“She’s got a point”, Yongsun shrugged.

“You always say that whenever she is arguing with someone else other than you!’’

“I’ve got to defend my girlfriend. It’s one of my jobs.”

Seulgi let out a frustrated sigh as her gaze went back and forth between the two girls who were looking at her as if all of her arguments had become invalid.

In the end, she let out another sigh as she put her arms up in defeat.

“Okay, okay…. Fine. Fine! I’ll go.”

Just before Byul and Yongsun could squeal in excitement, she interrupted them.

“However, I’ll leave as soon as I don’t feel like being there anymore.”

“Okay, but you have to stay there at least two hours”, Byul suggested.

“30 minutes.”

“One hour and a half”, Byul fought back.

“30 minutes.”

“One hour and 15 minutes”, Yongsun said.

“45 minutes.”

“One hour”, Byul and Yongsun both said in unison.

“… okay… one hour.”

This time, Seulgi let them squeal in excitement as she covered her own ears hoping that she wouldn’t become deaf any time soon.

 

***

The moment she had set her foot in the crowdy apartment, Seulgi immediately regret all of her life choices. The smell of alcohol, cigarettes and sweaty bodies with absolutely no sense of personal space.

The loud bass of the speakers drumming in her ears, making her heart shake violently as it felt as if her insides were about to get lose and