Reading the news on my iPad, I became immobile. I have no idea how to react. I knew the wrecking ball's gonna hit me anytime. I knew this because he has been telling me about her. But the moment he confirmed it though, the many walls I guarded myself with for the past 3 months came out as a futile attempt in guarding my heart. They came out useless.

Seeing pictures of them as they went out to the park to date, I remember it was the night when I asked him to come with me to meet my parents. Knowing us being very close, my parents were excited to see him on our close-to-none free time during the holidays.

"Jongin-ah. Mom and Dad are very excited to see you."

"oh. Right! Shucks I forgot! We were supposed to see your parents tonight hyung, aren't we?"

"Yeah. Is something wrong?"

"Umm. Actually yeah. I can't go with you. I REALLY need to go somewhere."

"what. But... But you said you're coming. And they're expecting to see you." The disappointment was clear in my voice.

"I'm really sorry hyung. But I'll make it up to them okay? I'm really sorry. I gotta go." Then he sped out.

I can actually see the disappointment in my parents' eyes that night but they said it was fine. That they understand that JongIn might be really busy with other things. I wish I understood it as easy as they did. I don't mean to sound that clingy but he never missed any meeting with my parents knowing how (unbelievably) fond they are to him.

Maybe more than they are to me.

Now I know where he went that night.

I heard from Chanyeol that JongIn's been in touch with Jennie during September. I shrugged it off because they're just in touch. But I was mentally preparing myself for whatever could happen.

But then he gave me something to work with.

I was so sure that there was something. His stares during our concerts when the other members are doing their ments. His clinginess to me in the dorm, his concern when I cough even when I was choking on my own saliva. Specially his grumpiness when he knew that a new drama that has a kissing scene has been offered to me AND the 4-day Silent Treatment I got from him when the kissing scene was aired.

There must be something, right? There SHOULD be.

I even braved myself during the Arcade. I have been holding up my cold persona but I practically clinged to him that day. I snuggled right at the crook of his neck. Something I knew the fans fished on. And during OX FESTA where I really couldn't resist myself. He was being so cute and mushy and... UGH! I could've just poofed him to make him smaller and put him inside my pocket and just protect him at all cost! UGH! And recently when he stared at me in front of all the cameras and people. As we laugh at each other because I caught him staring at me... THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING.

But of course there wasn't.

Those stares. Those touches. Those worried eyes. Those clingy words.

They don't mean something. They're only in my mind.

The door opened and there came the subject of my demise. He looked a bit stressed out but I can clearly see a pint of relief.

"Hyung, I'm home." he said softly as he came closer. I couldn't speak for a while and just straed at him. My mind was going haywire.

"Hyung is something wrong?" He nudged gently.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't really blame you if the news broke my heart. I've been hinted about it a couple of times but I listened to what my mind made up. I'm sorry. For putting meanings on things that should mean nothing. If I ever made you uncomfortable thinking things were what I thought it were. I'm sorry for even daring to dream of loving you and you doing the same to me. I apologize. I've been unprofessional and let my feelings get the best of me. I'm sorry. I'll wake up from this illusion. I won't make things hard for me amd uncomfortable for you. But you won't have to avoid me though. I'll do that myself." I smiled as I felt tears gather in my eyes.

"Hyung?" He said gently.

Those were the things I wanted to tell him so bad. I wish I could tell him all of that.

"Welcome home Nini." I forced out a smile.

I guess there really will be nothing I can do then. If I avoid him it might affect the whole group. If I act on my feelings it will complicate a lot of things (but who am I kidding? It's becuase JongIn has been a part of my routine). So I just swallowed down the bitter pill of truth knowing it will crush my heart in the process.

Time heals. I hope it will. For the second time around.