A name is something that people identify you with. Others would instantly relate you to certain traits just by hearing your name. Therefore, a name was also something that differentiated you from everyone else. Without a name, wouldn’t you just fade into nothing?

Well, at least that was what Leeteuk thought.

After a day full of various schedules – recordings, radio shows, and meetings – these weird thoughts tend to cloud his mind. He leaned back and sunk into the couch, slightly wishing he could vanish from this world like that. Things hadn’t been great lately and his mental health had been deteriorating.  Everything was just…tiring. All these thoughts were making things worse.

Shimkoong barked a few times, successfully attracting Leeteuk’s attention. He got up and saw her staring at him. She rarely gave him attention, unless he went to her, so this wasn’t a common thing.

Maybe even she sensed his sadness.

“Shimkoong, come here.” He called for her and she instantly ran to him and jumped up onto his laps. The emptiness in his heart faded a little at Shimkoong’s way of comforting him. He started petting her softly as he smiled affectionately.

Getting Shimkoong was one of the best decisions he had made. If only he knew how much joy she would bring him, he would have gotten a pet a lot sooner. It was too lonely and sad to come home to a huge empty space every night.

Leeteuk was snapped out of his thoughts when his mobile phone rang. Shimkoong was startled by the sharp rings so she jumped off and ran to her cage. Leeteuk couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed that his time with Shimkoong was short but it went away quickly when he saw who called.

He picked up the phone right away.

"Jungsoo-ya, are you doing well these days?" His mother said with her mellow, soft voice.

Hearing a familiar voice call out his name soothed him. He hadn’t heard his own name being called in a few days and he was losing his sense of identity again. It felt like getting a tight, warm and reassuring hug when he most needed it.

"Yeah, I'm alright, mom. Thanks for calling. It's nice to hear your voice." He smiled.

The phone call went on for a while only and his mother asked the same questions as always, but it didn’t matter to him since he really needed to talk to someone who knew him as ‘Jungsoo’ first instead of ‘Leeteuk’. It was silly, but it was like a reminder that he was still ‘Jungsoo’ and that he could be ‘Jungsoo’ for even a few minutes.

Thirteen years ago, before they were going to debut, he was told that he needed a stage name.

Leeteuk was still young and naive at that time, so he didn't feel much about having to take on a different name to introduce himself to the public. All he could think of was whether or not the name would stay in people's minds and whether Super Junior would work out. That was what he thought about for two whole years, every single day. So a name really wasn’t a priority then.

At first it took him quite a while to remember to respond when people called for 'Leeteuk'. After all, he had been ‘Jungsoo’ for more than two decades. But after some time, it eventually sunk in. A year or two later, he answered calls for ‘Leeteuk’ as quick as for ‘Jungsoo’ or even faster to be honest. After all, the amount of people calling him the latter was outnumbered by the former as time went by.

Thirteen years later, he sometimes wondered if he was ‘Leeteuk’ or ‘Jungsoo’ more. Or if he was either.

Hearing 'Jungsoo' was slowly getting a little unfamiliar and for a spilt second he would hesitate to answer. He felt his own identity slip away from him. Was he still Jungsoo? Could he still return to be Jungsoo? What was left of Jungsoo at this point?

As much as he loved his job as he made so many people happy, being Leeteuk was beyond exhausting. It had taken so much from him and it was an identity that wasn't truly his own.

There was a period of time when he went on working nonstop without contacting any of the people he called family. That meant he didn't talk to or call s or his family. For weeks, no one was there to call him Jungsoo.

It was an insignificant and childish thing to care about to be honest. It wasn't like his existence would fade just because his real name was rarely called upon, but not hearing it had made him feel so lost and lonely, like he didn't have a home to return to.

Fortunately, Leeteuk have s who made sure he didn't have to feel this way anymore. Once he had accidentally let that worry of his slip when he got drunk with s, they started calling him at random times of the day and the week to just ask if he was doing alright.

"Hi, Jungsoo hyung! Can I come over?"

Hyukjae, Donghae, Ryeowook, Sungmin, Kangin.

"Have you eaten, Jungsoo Hyung? Wanna eat out together?”

Yesung, Donghee, Siwon, Kyuhyun.

"Jungsoo-ya."

Heechul.

It was always small talk and most of the time their plans don’t work out, but he knew that they called only to say his name. Jungsoo still thought it was a really insignificant thing, but the members thought otherwise. Even if he stubbornly refused to admit it, they realized how important it was to him and decided that they would make it a point so that he wouldn't feel so disconnected from himself anymore. Not when they were there for him.

Jungsoo will forever be extremely thankful for s for putting up and staying with him. If not for them, he wouldn't have last this long.

It was sort of ironic though. He became ‘Leeteuk’ because of Super Junior, but s are what made him forever Jungsoo because being with them -- his home -- reminded him that he was originally and still remained Jungsoo at the core.

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This turned out a little angsty again? At this point all my one shot fics are probably gonna be fluff laced with angst whoops.

Anyway, I might have overdramatized it, but I feel like there could be a small possiblity that he felt that way at some point, especially with all the 'attention-seeker' label put on him. I've ever felt a little disconnected in a similar situation, so I thought he had it worse, so maybe he felt even more disconnected with himself.

Also, I switched from addressing him as 'Leeteuk' to 'Jungsoo' halfway when the angst turned fluff, kind of signifying that he had found himself again. I guess no one noticed though xD

Anyway! Thank you for reading!! I hope you liked it. Please, please, please leave a comment? I really want to know what you, as a reader feel, about something I spent a lot of time writing.

Have a nice day <3