At one point you were all over my mind, then all over my wall. In every text, every message, every sentence.

At sixteen years of age, I came upon a video while browsing the billions of videos online. It was fun to watch you in the two thousands sense ‘fashion’ get up, but what I really admired besides your looks was your voice.

Unfortunately, I hid you from everyone I knew, but not from those I trusted. It wasn’t like you could just be upfront with people back then, not when all they knew what to do was judge you for everything you liked if it wasn’t what they liked. I kept my mouth shut from them, but my family found out.

They all started calling me weird, but they were the only ones that supported me even after the things they would say. It was just to mess with me, I mean, families. We all have those who just enjoy pushing your buttons, and it’s funny to a certain extent.

My favorite was the youngest one. I can’t lie and say it was you, but you became my cousin’s favorite. She had you all over her furniture, and by that I mean she had written your name all over it. It was funny to see it later on when she gave me that same furniture when she was making space for the new ones. I asked her if she was obsessed with you, and all she could say was that you were his and no one else’s. She even said she would marry you one day, and even though I knew that wasn’t gonna happen, I encouraged it because back then I believed I would marry the youngest member of your group.

I knew every comeback, every trailer, every video. I ended up signing up for Korean language classes because I wanted to be able to talk to you one day, but I wasn’t as smart as I thought I was. I failed, but somehow during that agonizing year of learning, I learned your debut song lyrics; Replay.

I would sing it everywhere I went. I would practice because I wanted to sing it when I auditioned for your company, like every other fan does at one point. I dreamed of being in the same building as you, speaking your language and becoming friends one day. I even talk about it with my cousin, the one who adored you, and she kept telling me that if I made it I had to hook you up with her. Just thinking about it now makes me laugh. Silly girls with unreachable dreams, but it was fun and hopeful back then. No one can blame us for wanting to be by your side.

April 8, 1990. It took me forever to remember each member’s birth date, but for some reason you and Taemin were the only ones that stuck in my mind. As soon as your birthday came around, I would start planning something nice but things got in the way so I postpone it for next year. I never got around to it, not even on your last.

Later in high school, I was an avid writer. I would write a lot about you and Kibum. A lot of people would love it, and it was funny because you two weren’t even my favorite couple; 2min was, but I just loved writing about both of you. ‘10 Minutes to Seduce You’ was the first story of both you and Kibum. I recently found the poster someone made for me for that story, but I deleted the story so it’s sad. The poster, though, it was back-then graphics that today people would shame! To me, till this day, it’s still the best poster ever.

Yes, iiJ-RockLoverXD was my first username in the site I was a part of. Back then, before I even heard of your group, I found ‘the GazettE’ which was a japanese rock band. Every single song of theirs was in my iPod and eventually ‘SHINee’ made it there too. ‘The GazettE’ didn’t have me like you guys did, though, I’ll have to admit that.

You were always smiling. You were always playful with the other members, even walked on stage wearing santa pants, shirtless, and santa robe with Key by your side teasing the JongKey fans by having Key shout your ship name at the top of your lungs. The screams were unbearable, I swear I thought I lost my hearing that day. Even my cousin ended up watching the video, and we both lost it.

I can’t lie to you, though, I ended up disliking you for while because people started shipping you with Taemin. I kept saying that you belonged with Key and Taemin belonged with Minho while Onew kept being paired up with chicken.

I saw you in ,Hello Baby, with the group and Yoogeun, and when you peeked your head to see what was going on the day the guys decided to hold a surprise birthday for you. You smiled when they all shouted ‘Happy Birthday!’, and it was a cheesy as smile. You even said you had two things out of the three, the last one being a kiss and then you looked at Key. I swear, the beginning years of SHINee were more about you and Key than 2MIN. I fangirled so much in that entire season of 'Hello Baby'. I laughed a lot, too. Yes, I did spend sleepless nights just watching SHINee on youtube and following up with the news.

SHINee was my everything.

Seven years later, and in those years I never got the chance to meet you.

Seven years later, and in those years I never got to tell you just how much my life changed when SHINee was a part of it.

Seven years later, and I stopped writing about you after last year.

I couldn’t finish 'Master’s Pe't. I couldn’t finish 'The Differences Between Us' when I was bringing it back. I couldn’t finish 'Our Desire', and all because I didn’t want to be reminded of you.

I go into your instagram account sometimes, hoping that you posted something even though I know you didn’t. You no longer can. I saw every picture, every video, and damn it I miss you.

You were literally gonna be the alpha to my omega Key. I was planning so many stories.

I remember I was in my bedroom with my best friend. We were just laughing, I don’t recall about what, but we were having a good time when I decide to go into my phone and for some reason I check facebook account and you’re there. But not in the way I want you to be. It said the worst thing a fan can ever imagine, and it hurt. Then other posts kept coming up, saying that you were fighting. You were fighting and there was hope, but I guess I didn’t hold onto it that tightly.

I cried for hours.

Seven years later, and I want to say you for leaving like that. I knew things were hard, it isn’t easy for anyone, but damn it we Shawols were there. I also know sometimes we don’t listen because we’re too focused on our own pains, and that’s a mistake because that just keeps dragging you down. It kept dragging you down, and you refused to reach out because you were scared to drag them down with you.

Seven years later, and I need to say I love you and thank you. Thank you because you kept me up every morning, and made me happy on those long rides. You inspired me, and your cheesy smile made me smile, and I felt happy.

Seven years later, and I want to say I’m sorry for stopping everything that kept you alive in my heart. I’m sorry for wanting to forget so the hurt would stop. I’m sorry for not noticing. I’m sorry for drifting away, but I want you to know--even if I know you won’t ever read this--that thanks you a lot of us are alive.

I hope you’re watching us from wherever you are, with that cheesy smile on your face, the laugh and the beautiful voice of your that I’m gonna miss every day of my life.

At one point, I was trying to forget to make it easier on me, to deny the idea of your absolute absence.

Today, a year later, I’ve accepted that regardless of where you are; you’re still alive in my heart.

 

Sincerely, A Shawol