Wedding Dress

"Yujin."

It was her voice. The one that made her heart beat so fast, yet she will never admit it. Minju was standing behind her but she refused to face her. Refused to let her see how red her face is and how affected she was by her presence. The love that she chose to keep.

"Ahn Yujin," she repeated. She gave a grunt of acknowledgment. This seemed to be enough for her for she continued, "do you love me?"

Twenty years old Ahn Yujin woke up with a start, sweat soaking her nightshirt. It was that dream again. She'd been having this dream randomly ever since they had the very same conversation. She replies in her dreams varied greatly. Sometimes she pushed her away, sometimes she told her she loved her – to her great embarrassment, and sometimes she woke up before she could reply, her breath coming out in short puffs, sweat covering her skin. Despite how her dreams differed each night, however, what happened in reality was something she couldn't change whether she wants to or not. Her mind is often full of what ifs that will never change now.

She didn't know that it was possible for the human heart to reach this level of speed without breaking apart. It's true that she had been accustomed – daresay, even fond – of Minju’s company in the many years that the latter tries to win her affection, declaring it in front of wizone in their fan sign, stage performance, reality shows yet there was a strange turn that the girl took lately that made her uneasy or perhaps she just used to be loved by someone too much that she thought Minju would never leave her.

It was heralded by the return of Minju’s fake smile. She didn't call her out on it, and she supposed that was where she was wrong. Maybe this wouldn't have escalated to what it is now if only she was more vigilant. Yet, what's done is done, and soon, she found herself on the receiving end of Minju’s pursuit. It was different in a way Yujin can't quite put her finger on. If she would describe it in a word, perhaps she would say it was more serious? More melancholy? More urgent?

Yes. That's the word. Urgent.

Urgent, as if time's running out.

It didn't sit well with her. This sudden interrogation too, left a bad taste in . Minju’s tone was completely different from what she was used to. In an attempt to mask her discomfort, she reverted to her snide remarks, reminiscent of the way she was as a teenager.

"Ha," she managed to ground out evenly, "as if I ever would."

Yujin sighed in frustration at the memory of that night. It had been a great day. She'd arrived from Korea few days before that day to spend time with her. That day had been the time she had scheduled for the two of them alone, and despite her saying otherwise, she had been looking forward to it. She wouldn't say it out loud, of course she wouldn't be the cool Ahn Yujin if she did, but she missed her. She missed her greatly. Her long black wavy hair, tantalizing eyes and her tinkling laughter. Her touch and her voice and even her unexpected kisses. She would never admit it, but she had long stopped seeing Kim Minju as a friend.

And she was annoyed at herself for saying what she did. "As if I ever would?" She huffed under her breath, "who are you kidding?"

Yujin hated herself for being a liar, for being so quick to throw her barbs at the very least hint of a possibility to get hurt. But most of all, she hated herself for hurting the only girl she ever loved in her whole life.

Minju was quiet after her declaration, which was rather unexpected. Before, she would cry out that it's fine! She'd make Yujin fall in love with her! Before, she would hug Yujin from behind and declare that even though she doesn't love her, her love is great enough for the both of them so it should be okay. But now, there was silence. Unknown to Minju it was never been unrequited loved to begin with.

"I know," Minju said so quietly, Yujin thought she was imagining things. She turned to face her, only to see her wearing her mask again. "It's getting late," she said with a glance to her watch, "I'll be leaving now. See you soon, Young Master."

What she didn't know was that Minju caught the earliest flight to other country the following morning. And today marks four months since she last saw her. Being from different countries, this was no novelty. However, what used to be regular correspondence by mail or call turned into dead air. She was used to ignoring her calls and her messages. Suddenly, she found that the tables have turned and it was Minju now who was doing the avoiding. She missed her voice so much, she had turned to calling her phone despite knowing she won't answer, only to hear her speak from her voice mail recording.

It was when she asked about Minju, as subtly as she could during Izone’s monthly dinner get together, from Sakura that she realized she had done something truly and terribly wrong of proportions she hadn't considered before. Didn't think it was possible for someone as frail and delicate-looking as Miyawaki Sakura  to explode in anger. Yet she did, and at the mention of Minju’s name, she found herself drenched with juice and random food items thrown at her head. Thankfully, Sakura’s wife Chaeyeon restrained her before she got around to throwing steak knives at her. She knows she deserved all the hate as long as she can change whatever the situation they are right now. She is desperate to be with Minju.

"Sorry about that," Yujin heard Chaeyeon apologized as she tried to clean out the juice from her hair using the bathroom sink. "Sakura’s been more emotional ever since her second trimester. And you know how much she cares for Minju."

She sighed, "I get it. So how is she? Have you heard from the former freeloader lately?"

Chaeyeon didn’t answer immediately. "I'm not supposed to say," she finally said.

Ah.

So it was only her whose Minju was avoiding. Makes sense, as she was the one who hurt her after all. There is a thin line between love and hate after all right? And if love line disappeared the hate that can’t be healed with sorry will arise.

"But, is she okay?" Yujin inquired further. She had to know.

Chaeyeon smiled, albeit it didn't reach her eyes. "She's doing great."

Yujin let out a sigh of relief, a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. "Good."

"Ahn, what happened with you and Minju, I thought you both love each other, with 2 and ½ year that our group been together all of us imagine that both you and Minju meant to be since you are like a perfect fit?" Chaeyeon asked, concern tinging on her voice.

"None of your business." Yujin replied quietly.

Chaeyeon sighed, "alright. I'll be here if you need a friend."

One morning on Yujin’s apartment a mail has arrived. Getting up to her feet, she gathered the pile of letters by her front door. Standing out from the monochromatic grays and whites of corporate letters, was a pastel stationery envelope