wait for me, wait for me there

i'll die if you die before me, i swear

wait for me, i'm still somewhere

you're getting older without me, i'm scared

berenstein // the band camino

MAY 2014

thailand is beautiful, warm but not in the way seoul gets in the summer.  it’s a refreshing sort of warmth, weather encapsulating the feeling of a good night’s sleep or finding out that a big school assignment has been postponed.  during the day the sun watches over everything with a vivid vigilance and at night its warmth still lingers like a reminder. it’s so very nice. and it’s even nicer that yoobin is sharing it with yoohyeon, because her parents had been kind enough to bring the youngest member of minx along.

earlier they’d handed yoobin and yoohyeon money and fistfuls of reminders to be careful and not talk to strangers, and for the last half an hour the two teenagers have been wandering the night market across from the hotel.  yoohyeon has a hat way too big for her head that she’d bought from a kind older woman, and it’s so massive that it tilts off center and sort of flops in her face. it looks especially amusing considering it’s broaching on nighttime, and the horizon is slowly swallowing up the sun.

yoobin is quiet, just listening to yoohyeon attempting to speak thai to the vendors.  her pronunciation is sloppy but earnest and yoobin can’t help but think the way she smiles when she speaks to every new person attempting to sell them something is so...beautiful.  but everything about yoohyeon is beautiful. the floppy hat can’t take away from her soft features and her expressive eyes. she’s in a sundress that cuts off mid thigh and yoobin knows when they get back their manager unnies and oppas won’t be pleased by how tan yoohyeon’s legs are now that they’re so close to finally debuting.

but yoobin isn’t complaining.  yoohyeon’s skin is the color of honey and…

she shakes those thoughts away.  yoohyeon is her best friend. she can’t keep thinking about her like that.

and it’s almost as though yoohyeon reads her mind when she chirps, “yoobs, let’s go get food!”

“because you called me yoobs, i’m going to have to give that idea a hard pass.” yoobin says, trying to act normal.  at least the warmth of the weather can hide the flush in her cheeks and climbing down her neck, because oh god, did yoohyeon turn around in time to catch her staring at her legs?

the taller girl whines and pulls yoobin in, squishing her cheeks between her palms.  “pleeeeaaaaaseeeee.”

and yoobin knows she can’t resist that.  she never can. even before she realized a few months ago that her feelings for yoohyeon aren’t platonic, she wasn’t able to do that.

“fine.  but you’re buying, since you just assaulted me.” but yoobin is smiling too.   that's another thing she just can’t help but do around yoohyeon.  she grew up in a very conservative household, where emotions were hidden behind curtains and locked doors, the magician’s secret that was never revealed to the audience.  and then she’d met yoohyeon, and she remembers the first week after truly inviting her in to fill up the lonely canyons of solitude, and how the muscles in her face had ached for almost a day from smiling so much, from laughing so much, in ways she’d never really done very often before.

yoohyeon smiles now, like always, like she always does.  she grabs yoobin’s hand and the smaller girl doesn’t even have time to think about how that feels because she’s having to jog to keep up with yoohyeon’s long legs as she hurries over to the food stands.  but soon enough the two of them sit together at a table on the far end of the market, close to the beach. the sound of the ocean is distant, the air punctuated with salt water.

“i swear i can catch it.” yoohyeon is saying, adamantly, referring to some of the chicken the two of them are sharing.  for emphasis she opens and closes dramatically and then tilts her head back, waiting. yoobin laughs and tosses a piece of chicken, and yoohyeon misses completely.

“that was impressive in itself,” yoobin says, teasing her.  yoohyeon moves to jab yoobin in the ribs with her elbow, but she pauses, obviously distracted.

yoobin follows her gaze and ends up watching the two women walk up the beach, then past them, disappearing towards the market.  they’re holding hands and laughing, and yoobin feels something tighten in her chest. it clenches like that moment before crying, the single pause before the storm.  but she doesn’t want to think about why. and then yoohyeon speaks, “oh, that’s so cute!”

for a split second, yoobin’s heart launches upwards, and she’s lightheaded and dizzy by how suddenly she just rockets into space.  but then…

“i could never date a girl, i don’t think, but those two looked so cute together.”

the fall isn’t as beautiful as the elevation up.  it’s yoobin’s stomach rolling over itself with sickness.  “yeah, they did look cute.”

she wonders if yoohyeon can hear her hitting every cloud on the way back down.

------------------

the dorms are always chaotic after practices, especially the first one back after a break.  yoobin slips away in the midst of bora and siyeon arguing over who gets first shower and minji digging through the kitchen cabinets for a pre-dinner snack and yoohyeon loudly watching old episodes of pokemon in the living room.  she’s always preferred the quiet, but usually there’s a sort of comfort in the underlying hum of always-noise, the fact that the dorm is never fully silent.

now it just makes her nervous, cool fingers of worry climbing up her spine when she crawls into her bed all alone and pulls the blankets up to her cheeks, even though the weather outside is sticky and boiling.  each of bora’s sharp laughs or yoohyeon’s attempts to mimic pikachu and soundjust right seem too close like maybe the door will fly open and shatter the dark, soft isolation she’s built up for herself.

and of course it happens eventually.  she has maybe 20 minutes of solitude, curled up in a ball with her knees against her chest and a stuffed animal crushed between them, shoulders shaking with tears she can’t cry because it’s not her thing .  then the door opens and minji’s voice fills the room.  it’s always bright like sunshine and usually it cheers yoobin up, but today it feels like someone ripping the curtains open at 7 in the morning after a night of barely any sleep.  “dami-ah, time for dinner!”

“i’ll be out in a minute,” yoobin says, trying her best to sound steady.  normal. maybe just a little tired.

of course minji catches on, though.  she’s the leader, and it suits her well.  it has ever since all of the members were shuffled together officially.  she’s bloomed into it like flowers, beautifully.

this is the first time yoobin has ever wished she was a bad leader.

because she sits on the edge of the bed and her voice softens, “is everything okay?”

yoobin want to say yes, because that’s easier.  the idea of explaining her tormented thoughts is terrifying and makes her feel raw.  but minji’s voice is so soft and she rests a hand on yoobin’s leg from above the blanket as though she’s touching something fragile and yoobin settles on a rough, “i can’t tell you.”

without yoobin’s permission, minji wiggles in to the space between her and the wall.  yoobin doesn’t look up at her, but she doesn’t need to to picture how minji looks right now.  there’s this way she always looks when she’s concerned about her members, with her eyes large and full of stars and her lips pressed into a rare frown.  minji smells like flowers and vanilla and the color pink, and she’s very very warm pressed so close, especially since yoobin already feels feverish from the blanket.

it just makes the thoughts in her head twist more.  first yoohyeon, now minji. she feels so flustered and cluttered and her eyes burn even more.

“is it because you don’t trust me?” minji asks, but she doesn’t sound offended in the slightest.  just soft and gentle and god if it doesn’t make yoobin feel fragile. and it’s really impressive how minji is only freshly 21 but she’s so composed and thoughtful and knows exactly what to say.  yoobin trusts her so much, and she doesn’t want her to believe otherwise. but she’s scared to talk, scared that the tears will fall, so she just shakes her head.

minji pauses, and yoobin feels her shift as she rolls over to face her.  yoobin’s face is still hidden in the stuffed animal, and she’s glad, because she can feel the incline of the bed and the warmth of minji’s breath.  she doesn’t know what she’d do if she looked up and saw those eyes so close to her own, taking her in and reading into every single thought without even trying.  “is it because you’re afraid of what i’ll say?”

this time, yoobin doesn’t respond.  she doesn’t want to confirm that, because that confirms that the thing she’s struggling with so deeply is real.  that confirms that she’s been thinking about yoohyeon’s lips and the way her heart races when they touch hands or yoohyeon giggles right next to her ear.  and yeah it means the way that she’s been thinking about plenty of girls is real and genuine but god, this is yoohyeon and this could ruin everything.

what if minji hates her?

what if yoohyeon hates her?

what if they all do?

and that’s when she starts to cry.  

not silent tears, either.  it’s like a city collapsing, her shoulders shaking with sobs that she tries to choke back but can’t.  the way minji pulls her in is instantaneous and fiercely protective, cooing a soft, “oh, yoobin, sweetie.” her fingers pull through yoobin’s curly hair as she holds her close and yoobin feels so bad for how wet she can feel her tears making minji’s shirt.  but she can’t help it, sobbing ugly and broken into the warmth and the comfort of minji’s shoulder.

delicately, over the sound of yoobin’s whimpering sobs, minji murmurs, “nothing you could ever tell me would make me hate you, or think less of you.” a pause, then she adds, “okay, maybe if you like...kicked a kitten.  but other than that.”

a hiccupping breath, and yoobin knows she has to get it out.  she has to tell someone because it feels like she’s rotting inside.  “what if i….what if i like girls?”

there’s a pause, and each ticking second makes yoobin’s heart rise more in .  it beats in a way that chokes her, thick and heavy. and then minji slips her fingers under yoobin’s chin and tilts her head up.  her own eyes are shiny and there are a couple of bright, wet trails on her face, following the curve of her cheek and her nose. yoobin focuses on those and not minji’s eyes themselves, not wanting to look into them.  she sniffles again, her face aching from the crying.

“well, if you like girls, then i would tell you…” minji starts.  she brushes away a few of yoobin’s curls, ones that cling to her face, glued down by the estuaries of liquid salt.  “i would tell you that you’re beautiful, and ridiculously intelligent, and one day you’re going to make a girl so, so happy.”

yoobin sobs again, but for a different reason this time.  she sobs out of relief, because minji still loves her, doesn’t want to kick her out of the group.  but she also sobs because there’s only one girl she wants to make happy, and she’s pretty sure that will never happen.

minji just continues to hold her, running fingers through her hair and humming gently.  they’ve both forgotten about dinner until the door opens again. yoobin flinches, horrified that someone (yoohyeon) might see her like this, but then siyeon speaks loudly, “what’s taking you guys so long?  i’m starving!”

then she sees the state of them, yoobin balled up under the blankets, under minji’s warmth, shaking and shaken and falling apart like ice after the first warm day of spring.  she freezes, then turns over her shoulder and calls back down the hall to bora and yoohyeon, likely waiting in the kitchen. “hey, dami-ah doesn’t feel well. start without us!” then she closes the door.

she doesn’t ask, because siyeon and yoobin get each other in a special sort of way, and she knows yoobin likes silence and quiet and not being exposed like cracking open her ribcage.  she just molds herself to yoobin’s back and presses her nose into her hair, a kiss planted like a bloom on the top of her head. “hey, it’s okay, whatever it is.”

they both hold her, until she stops shaking, until the sobs die out into breezes of wet breath and empty tears.  neither of them force her to talk more or make her feel more humiliated by her vulnerability. they just hold her and gently keep her glued together until she’s strong enough to do it herself.

and she doesn’t feel okay, but she does feel better.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

JANUARY 2016

time stumbles on.  minx lulls into a hiatus, one that isn’t official but has the entire group on its toes.  and that lull, that dip in activity...it means taking whatever is offered. and that’s why the entire group is being interviewed by a show no one on the production team had ever heard of at first.  but the host doesn’t know that this is just some sort of last resort. no one does. because the members of minx sit with their best posture and their faces painted with smiles filled with excitement for the future even though they don’t actually know right now if they have one.

it’s three days before yoohyeon’s birthday.  the host brings it up, tells her she’s maturing beautifully.

he asks her what her ideal type is.

it’s that question, the one that burns like acid and does its damndest to make the composed, beautiful smiles crumble.  but it’s okay, because yoohyeon takes it in stride. it’s all perfectly fine.

until she gives a name, and it’s a male actor.

yoobin has never heard of him, but in that instant she decides that she hates him.

later the producers scold her for her downturned lips and her tired eyes and ask her if she’s getting sick.  yoobin says yes.

she does feel sick to her stomach, after all.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

MARCH 2016

“what happens if we stay on hiatus forever?”

yoohyeon looks over at yoobin in the dark.  they’re together in yoobin’s bed. yoohyeon had crawled in a few moments ago with a murmur about having a bad dream, and yoobin had moved over to the side to let her in.  her shoulder presses uncomfortably into the wall but she wants yoohyeon to have the space she needs. that’s more important.

yoohyeon’s voice sounds small, sounds like it had back when they were trainees and the older girl was terrified she wouldn’t make it past the minx auditions.  yoobin had spent the entire night comforting her and the next morning in the bathroom trying to help her hide the flush of tear stains and reddened eyes and the dark circles.  

she hates that they’ve come full circle.  at least so soon.

“i don’t know.  i guess we try to find other projects.  or maybe we can go to university.” yoobin says. she sounds calm and steady but that’s just her way of hiding the fact that the words burn her tongue and taste like black pepper.  

yoohyeon breathes out, and it’s shaky.  yoobin can hear the layers of emotion there, so many things woven through that single exhalation.  “what if i don’t want any of that? i just want to be with all of you. i don’t want to lose this.”

“you won’t lose me.” yoobin murmurs.

the words feel heavy in the dark.  yoohyeon grabs her hand and squeezes hard, almost bruising. “promise?”

“promise.”

when yoobin wakes up the next morning, yoohyeon is snoring softly, deep in sleep, and their fingers are still intertwined.  

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

MAY 2016

a few months later, even though minx isn’t promoting anything publicly, things are getting better.  there are the two new girls moving into the dorms in a few weeks. there’s the dull hum of excitement, the buzzing electricity of a promised redebut and the simultaneous anxiety and excitement that it brings shackled to its wrists.  and right now, in this moment, yoobin is sitting at a cafe with yoohyeon in the heart of paris, the eiffel tower leaning over them while they sip tea and eat macarons they’d definitely just bought because yoohyeon thought they were pretty.

minji is off collecting so many snacks that bora will likely have no space to sleep in their hotel room tonight (and then she’ll whine about having to share a bed with minji, as though she doesn’t love climbing all over the other members in her sleep like a odd, extremely loud koala).  bora and siyeon are off visiting the catacombs, probably lost forever or something, after dragging a very hesitant manager into it with them.

and that just leaves yoohyeon and yoobin.

how could yoobin even begin to consider saying no when yoohyeon asked if she’d go see paris’ most famous landmark with her?

yoobin can’t deny that it’s beautiful, but she ends up looking at yoohyeon more, and the way the late evening lights show on her face.  they flicker like dancers and light tiny fires in the space between iris and pupil. she’s stunning. yoobin wishes she wasn’t, wishes she wasn’t so damn easy to fall for.

even now, yoohyeon fixes her with a goofy smile, “what do you want to bet bora and siyeon have made manager oppa cry?”

“what do you want to bet they’re lost down there because they were too busy talking to hear the tour guide?” yoobin counters, and yoohyeon pauses, frowning a little.

“that almost isn’t funny since it’s so plausible.” she replies.

yoobin grins, the toothy kind that she immediately moves to cover with her own hand because it feels overwhelming on her face.  “think of all the sound sleep we would get.”

“you’re awful!” yoohyeon cries out, but she’s fighting a smile too, even as she swats at yoobin's arm.

“they weren’t even going in, anyway.  siyeon tried to say it’s because they didn’t have time for the full tour, but we both know it’s because she’s actually just too chicken.” yoobin says.  yoohyeon smiles again, a little lopsided, one of her eye teeth poking into her own bottom lip.

a few beats of silence pass, legato and warm and flowing soothing like honey.  both of you look back at the eiffel tower, the people bustling around on the streets.  and then yoohyeon speaks up. “wouldn’t it be so romantic to come on a date here?”

yoobin pauses then, takes her in.  she’s staring up at the tower and it reflects in her eyes like two tiny, perfect polaroids.  there’s a smile on her face that beckons of things that only exist in the puffy clouds of her imagination.  she looks peaceful and delicate and so beautiful, and yoobin thinks about how much this is like a date.

they are, after all, sitting at an outdoor table at a coffee shop in paris , together, their knees almost touching.

she almost points it out.  she opens . her hand moves to find yoohyeon’s where she knows it rests between her always-bouncing knees.  she’s so close that she can feel the ghost of yoohyeon’s skin under her fingers.

“i hope one day i fall in love and he brings me here.”

yoobin’s hand falls away like the air near yoohyeon’s wrist has suddenly grown molten hot.   clamps shut.

she nods and brings her cup of tea to and drinks so she doesn’t have to pretend to know what to say.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

JANUARY 2017

yoobin and yoohyeon are alone in the practice room.  it doesn’t have any windows, but yoobin can tell by the underlying sleepiness in her body that it’s getting late.  they’ve been running through the choreo for chase me for over an hour now, privately, because yoohyeon had asked yoobin to help her out and yoobin has always been too soft to ever tell yoohyeon no to anything, no matter how tired she gets.

that’s why she’s here even though she’s in desperate need of sleep, watching yoohyeon run through things again on her own.  their live stages start in two weeks, and there’s a suffocating pressure to do well, since their concept is so different and outlandish and a bad performance could do them in permanently.  

yoobin is grateful that this comes easily to her.  the concept itself touches on a style she feels far more comfortable with than all of the pink and glitter (and appealing to men) of their minx days, and choreography is something she’s never struggled with.  she’d spent maybe three hours in the practice room with bora and that had been enough for them both to feel entirely confident in it.

yoohyeon isn’t so lucky.  the concept is a far cry from her clumsy, bright personality.  and the choreography demands far more from them than any of them are really used to.  it’s completely reasonable she’s struggling.

and it’s completely reasonable that she messes up this time, losing count of the beats and missing an entire section of the second chorus.

but yoohyeon doesn’t seem to think that way.

“god dammit!” her voice is loud, echoing because of the acoustics in the practice rooms.  yoobin blinks at her in the mirror, startled by the outburst.

“hey, it’s okay.  we can just go back over that part.”  she’s quick to try to do damage control.  she steps in to touch yoohyeon’s shoulder because the other girl usually calms down much faster when physical contact is involved.

but for once, yoohyeon sort of shrugs her off.  yoobin doesn’t want to think about why that stings in a way that’s almost physical.

“i just hate that i can’t get it!  it’s not fair because it’s coming so easily for the rest of you, and i feel like i’m just...holding you back.” yoohyeon’s voice is a landslide, starting at anger and tumbling and tumbling until it lands on sad, near tears.

her shoulders curl in on themselves.

yoobin sighs.  “you’re being too hard on yourself.  bora is a like...ing chameleon or something, so of course she’s fine.  siyeon lucked out with already suiting the aesthetic. but do you know how much time she’s been spending with bora practicing just like we’re doing now?  do you know how late minji stays up doing vocal runs because she doesn’t feel like her voice matches the tone of the song yet? handong can’t use half the feedback she gets because she can’t understand it, gahyeon isn’t confident in herself yet.  and yeah maybe i lucked out because this fits my permanent emo kid vibe, but since they aren’t having bora rap this time around i have to be perfect every time.”

that’s the most she’s spoken in….maybe ever.  but yoohyeon’s eyes are shiny with unshed tears and the words just come out.  “you’re not holding us back. we’re all struggling. but we’re in this together, and i have your back, and we’re going to be okay.”

yoobin takes a deep breath when she’s done.  yoohyeon looks stunned, and yoobin adds one last thing.  “i’m not trying to minimize your frustrations. i just...hate you feeling like you’re the only one having a rough time, because i know you’re in your own head telling yourself you’re stupid.”

yoohyeon’s lips turn upwards, into a smile.  she looks back at herself in the mirror and bodily adjusts her posture, squaring her shoulders.  “you’re right. but we’ll get through it, and we’ll do it well. like always.”

“like always.” yoobin agrees.

yoohyeon turns around, briefly stepping in.  she grabs yoobin’s face and squeezes her cheek, using that to pull her in.  her lips press there, lingering for only a second, long enough to murmur a “thanks, dami-ah.”

then she steps back into her own space, punching the air, “let’s run it again.  fighting!”

yoohyeon starts the music again, and yoobin is lucky she knows the choreography by heart already, because she can’t focus on anything but the lingering press of lips on her skin.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

MAY 2017

“are you sure putting 24 candles was a good idea?” gahyeon asks.  she’s looking at the table with eyes comically wide, obviously bewildered.  her face is a little bit flushed, because minji had decided to let her join in drinking soju with the rest of them.

which means that no, putting 24 candles in minji’s birthday cake is definitely not a good idea.

but they’re all flushed with the alcohol that’s surfing along on their red blood cells, and even though everyone is kind of wary about whole thing, no one stops siyeon when she boldly declares, “it’s not a good idea.  it’s a great idea.”

she lights them, one by one.

it takes all of a minute before there’s cake everywhere, the kitchen table and all of minji’s birthday dinner splattered with a graveyard of pink frosting and candle wax.  minji stares, stunned, “how did you even manage to blow it up ?”

bora, at least, doesn’t seem offended by the loss of the cake she’d made.  she’s laughing so hard she can’t breathe, and siyeon takes one look at her and joins in.  soon the two of them are on the floor, laughing hysterically. handong is politely trying to salvage what she can of the meal on the table.  minji has her face in her hands but it’s obvious from her eyes that she’s trying not to laugh with the rest of the unnie line.

“i’ll go order delivery.” yoobin declares.

yoohyeon hops up from the kitchen chair, nearly tripping and pitching herself right into the pile with siyeon and bora.  when she was sitting, the only sign she might be drunk was the pink dusting her cheeks and how bright and wide her eyes were.  now that she’s standing she practically has to lean on yoobin to walk down the hallway to the pile of takeout menus.

“they’re so funny,” yoohyeon says, a little too loud.  she seems surprised by her own voice and her brow furrows in confusion for a moment.  the next time she speaks it’s a….slightly more normal volume. “are you drunk?”

yoobin doesn’t really show it outwardly like the others do.  but when she looks through the menus she knows that she is, because her head is quiet.  not because she isn’t thinking, but because her thoughts are moving way too fast. usually she can sit and think through everything, and she does.  but when she’s drunk everything slips through her fingers so easily.

“yeah, i’m drunk.”

yoohyeon smiles at her and it makes yoobin feel dizzy.  she hurriedly turns back to the menus. soon enough she’s phoned in enough food for all of them, but it was a lot of work to remember it all and her head feels heavy once she’s done.  yoohyeon is still standing next to her, smiling that goofy, buzzed smile “why are you looking at me like that?”

“i just like looking at you!” yoohyeon says, giggling.

yoobin fails to see how it’s funny.  it makes her feel very overwhelmed. she swallows thickly, “i’m going to go in the bedroom for a minute.  i don’t feel great.”

she doesn’t expect yoohyeon to follow her.  she expects her to retreat back to the laughter in the kitchen to wait for the food to arrive.  but as yoobin slips into her bedroom, yoohyeon stops her from closing the door by nearly falling through it.  “are you avoiding me?”

“no.” yoobin replies, but she’s lying.  yoohyeon is just too close right now.

“you are.  what’s wrong?  are you mad at me?” a plump lower lip presses outwards into a pout.  it reminds yoobin why she’s avoiding yoohyeon right now in the first place.  she can’t help but look at it, can’t help but wonder how soft it is or what the lip balm she’s wearing tastes like.  yoohyeon whines and grabs yoobin’s shoulders. “why are you mad at meeeee?”

yoobin pushes her away a little, not too hard but enough yoohyeon jostles the door frame. “i’m not mad at you, i just don’t feel good.” yoohyeon pouts again, and oh god why is she so close?  why is everything suddenly so warm and claustrophobic? yoobin feels the skin on the back of her neck crawl like spiders along her spine. she wants to push yoohyeon away again but she can’t risk hurting her.  her palms feel slick with sweat.

“i know what would make you feel better.” yoohyeon says, happily.  she smiles again, the goofy curve of replacing the pout.

“do you?” yoobin obliges.  she shouldn’t. she shouldn’t, but she does and oh, it’s a mistake.

yoohyeon leans in.  she sounds so proud of herself.  “i can kiss it and make it better.”  she leans in closer and closer. her breath is warm when it fans over yoobin’s lips.  and for a second, she finds herself leaning in. they’re both drunk, and everything is warm and tense and feels overlayed with fog.  what could go wrong? what could go wrong?

then she remembers exactly what.

she remembers that her feelings exist outside of the buzz of alcohol.  they aren’t just a game or a playful, soju-driven mistake.

she pulls away just before yoohyeon’s mouth can find hers fully.  she’s panting, her heart slamming into her ribs as though trying to escape from a cage.  “i’m going to lie down.”

she closes the door and doesn’t give yoohyeon any option but to let it shut her out.

------------------

the next morning, yoobin wakes up early.  her head aches in a way that throbs behind her skull, and she stumbles into the kitchen to find some toast and a glass of water.  she almost misses the fact that yoohyeon is sitting at the kitchen table, playing a game on her phone.

the other girl looks up, “good morning.”

“morning,” yoobin says, feeling tension snap her spine straight.  she moves stiffly, like a robot, like her bones are made of metal.

and then yoohyeon laughs, not loud and a little husky from lack of sleep, in a way that makes yoobin’s knees feel like wet sand.  “rough night, huh?”

“a little bit,” yoobin agrees, but doesn’t say much else.

“i don’t remember anything after the first shot of soju.  and maybe cake getting everywhere? i don’t know. i obviously still don’t hold my alcohol well.” yoohyeon says, and there’s another of those little laughs.

yoobin doesn’t really hear much after yoohyeon says she doesn’t remember.

it makes her feel sick, in a way that isn’t from her brewing hangover.

yoohyeon doesn’t remember.

so how drunk was she?

drunk enough that the way she’d tried to kiss her was definitely just an intoxicated fluke.

of course it meant nothing.  what’s wrong with you? what did you expect?

yoobin retreats back to her room with a mumble about wanting more sleep.  

she wishes she couldn’t remember.  

but she climbs into her bed and stares at the ceiling and thinks about everything.  she reads so many books that her mind works in stories that she tells herself.

there’s one version where she walks right back into the kitchen and tells yoohyeon what happened last night.  she sees herself pulling yoohyeon in with a hand at the back of her neck and kissing her slow and soft and pulling her back to bed so they can sleep their hangovers away together.

there’s one version where she let yoohyeon kiss her last night, one where they woke up this morning together, lips a little swollen from the night before and hair messy from fingers tugging through it.

there’s one version where, in a few weeks, she gets up the courage to tell yoohyeon everything .  that one has multiple endings, some good, some bad, and it makes yoobin’s chest feel empty to think about all of those possibilities.

she wishes there was one where she could just forget all of this.  the warmth of yoohyeon’s breath against her lips, the feeling of her being so close.  how much she ing loves her in general.

but yoobin knows that yoohyeon is a story she’ll never forget, no matter how hard she tries.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

JULY 2017

they’re back in paris, and by some insane twist of fate, they have an entire four hours free to themselves.  minji, bora, yoohyeon, and gahyeon are out shopping, and that leaves yoobin alone with handong and siyeon.

she’s grateful, really.

she’s rooming with yoohyeon, and the night before the other girl had fallen asleep with her arms wrapped around yoobin, snoring softly against her neck.  yoobin hadn’t gotten much sleep at all, because yoohyeon’s long, bare legs entangled with her own had left her with some dreams that kept rousing her and filling her up with guilt.

that’s what she’s thinking about when she sits at the restaurant table with handong and siyeon.  vaguely, she’s aware of siyeon reading words from the menu to handong with….maybe the worst french accent ever, but she doesn’t dwell on it.  she’s so distracted by her own thoughts. nothing has changed between them, at least not from yoohyeon’s perspective.

but sometimes yoobin still thinks about bora’s birthday a couple of months before, about what it might have been like if she’d let yoohyeon kiss her.  she thinks about kissing her a lot, really. and obviously that’s a toxic cycle of thought if it’s going to lead to dreams like the ones she had last night, just because yoohyeon touched her with her thigh.

she’d just been so warm and soft and smelled like citrus----

siyeon snaps her fingers in her face, and yoobin blinks rapidly, pulled back to the present.  “yah, yoobin, where did you go?”

yoobin shakes her head, gives a smile she hopes will soothe the situation.  “sorry. jetlag.”

handong gives her a sympathetic smile, but siyeon still looks suspicious.  her eyes narrow and she takes yoobin in, and the younger girl feels very much like she’s on stage, but the audience is far more critical than the ones at award shows.  “you keep doing this, though. you’ve been like this for months.”

yoobin feels a spike of fear in her chest.  if siyeon has noticed, then the others have too, and that means she really has been off.  she thought she’d been keeping it to herself so well, but to be put in the spotlight like this is making her realize that since may she’s been blatantly out of it, and that means yoohyeon has probably sensed it too.

.

“i’m just….having a slump.” yoobin says, carefully.

she’s saved from having to answer further because the waitress come over, and they all get distracted by how hard they have to focus to order in a remedial mixture of french and english.

and yoobin has to focus even harder, because the waitress is….stunningly beautiful.  she might be hung up on yoohyeon emotionally, but physically, she definitely notices other girls.  she’s surrounded by beautiful women every day, in the group and in the industry as a whole. she’s never going to deny that she looks sometimes.

but this is a public place and all eyes at the table are on her and she finds herself blushing when the girl turns to her.

why are the uniforms in this restaurant so low cut?

yoobin stumbles through her order until siyeon cuts in and finishes it for her.  the girl smiles and takes their menus, and yoobin sinks slightly into her seat. siyeon and handong are both watching her, and she reaches for the drinks menu just to have something to cover her burning face slightly.

this is going so badly she actually wishes she was alone with yoohyeon right now.

thankfully, siyeon and handong don’t say anything about it.  the chinese girl receives a flurry of messages from the group chat, and she turns the phone so siyeon and yoobin can see the pictures she’s been sent since neither of them have their phones out.

“is that….a cat?” yoobin asks.

handong nods.  “i think it just came up to minji.”

“of course it did.” yoobin rolls her eyes, grateful for the distraction.  “sometimes i think that unnie might be part cat.”

siyeon thumbs through the pictures.  “i bet bora is miserable .”

“you think?” yoobin asks.

handong finds a picture of gahyeon holding the cat, pushing it close to bora.  the older girl looks absolutely victimized, staring at the creature with bewildered disgust on her face.  it’s just such a….bizarre image, and handong snorts when she laughs, and soon enough siyeon and yoobin are joining her.

the rest of the night isn’t too bad, and they arrive back at the hotel with an hour left to get ready for a dance practice.  they all end up in handong and gahyeon’s shared room, and yoobin falls on to the king size bed. it’s comfortable because she lands right on top of one of gahyeon’s stuffed animals, and she almost asks handong if she minds switching rooms tonight before she realizes how suspicious that would be.

she slips back into her own head again at the thought of yoohyeon, and at the thought of how flustered she’d become at the restaurant.  why does she feel guilty for that? she has no obligation to yoohyeon at all. yet here she is, a knot in her chest tied up with strings of guilt.  just because she thought some french girl was beautiful.

“there you go again.” siyeon says.

yoobin looks up at her, and realizes handong is staring at her too.  she nudges siyeon, “she’s probably just thinking about uh….the...waitress? yeah, the waitress from earlier.”

siyeon grins, sharp and full of teeth, “true.  god, did you see how hard she blushed? you would think it was taeyeon she was staring at.”

yoobin knows they’re just teasing, just being her unnies and messing with her.  but this is the type of teasing that makes her feel terrified, because it’s far too real.  she watches the way the jokes pass back and forth between the two of them, feeling sicker and sicker.

it’s handong who notices first.

“yoobin?” she asks, her voice softening, tone concerned.

siyeon’s laugh fizzles out, and yoobin wonders what she must look like for both of them to realize and stop so suddenly.  “, dami-ah. we’re just playing around.”

yoobin nods.  “i know. it’s fine.”

“it doesn’t seem fine.” siyeon retorts.

yoobin looks between them and how they both seem worried about her, and she knows they care about her.  she knows that.  it’s been years since she told minji.  maybe it’s about time.

“it is.  it’s just….uncomfortable that it’s so accurate.” yoobin says, and the words feel strange in , like marbles.

siyeon seems to catch on, but handong obviously hasn’t grasped the insinuation.  “oh.” siyeon says. then she tilts her head to the side, “wait, really?”

“what did i miss?” handong asks, realizing that there’s something that’s gone over her head.

“i was thinking about the waitress from earlier.” yoobin says, speaking slowly because she wants handong to understand.  she doesn’t want any of this to be misinterpreted. “i thought she was...really attractive. in exactly the way you’re thinking.”

handong gets it then.  her eyes widen, and she lets out a surprised “oh!” but it isn’t unpleasant or upset.  just a little taken aback.

“so...you all into girls or is it girls and guys?” siyeon asks, and yoobin appreciates the way she asks it, the way she might ask someone if they prefer cats or dogs.

“just girls.” yoobin says.

“that’s so cute.” handong replies, and her smile is so warm.  it’s always warm, though. yoobin didn’t realize she was terrified of it changing until it doesn’t happen.  she’s so relieved .

yoobin flushes again, because this is a lot of attention and vulnerability.  especially when handong sits next to her and starts to play with her hair, obviously assuming she’s still distressed and needs to be comforted.  yoobin isn’t going to complain. handong’s nails scratch lightly at her scalp and maybe she could afford to be soothed and babied a little bit.

“i...don’t tell anyone, okay? only minji knows.” yoobin says, then she sinks her teeth into her lip, trying to soothe herself. but it is frightening to know that more people know now.  the secret keeps pushing closer to the surface.

“of course.” handong says, the same time siyeon replies, “i’ve got your back.”

handong extends her hand for a pinky promise, and then siyeon does too, and somehow all three of them manage to lock their little fingers together at once.  maybe it’s a childish way to seal a promise, but it gives yoobin a sense of security, one that covers her shoulders like a warm, heavy blanket.

then siyeon has to go and ruin it.

“god, you’ve got such big hands.  the lesbians are going to love that.”

handong’s jaw quite literally drops.  yoobin isn’t sure whether she or handong blushes more, but the flush covers them both. yoobin knows her response is a little too loud. “yah!  you’re such a freak!”

siyeon laughs loudly, the kind that ricochets like bullets off the walls. the kind that could possibly get noise complaints.  

but she’s laughing with yoobin, not at her, and that makes all of this okay.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

OCTOBER 2017

yoohyeon has always sort of made sense to yoobin in a way that’s innate and instinctive.  so when she comes out of her bedroom at 9 pm the night before a 4 am wake up call, with her gaming headphones wrapped off-kilter around her neck and a specific collection of wrinkles joining hands between her eyebrows, yoobin knows something is up.  she’s only still awake because the book she’s reading is so good that the pages have just refused to stop being read, but obviously yoohyeon isn’t awake just for some late-night fortnite battles.

she sits on the couch next to yoobin and tucks her legs under her body, pulling her knees up to her chin.  her hair falls into her face like feathers, the blonde tips all messy and soft against her cheeks. yoobin doesn’t have a bookmark on hand because she was just planning on reading straight through, so it’s with a pinch of pain in her heart that she folds over the corner of the page that she’s on and sets the book down.

“what’s wrong?” yoobin asks.

yoohyeon frowns. “how do you always do that?”

“do what?”

“know that something is wrong.”

yoobin smiles, “i just know you.”

and yoohyeon huffs, but she doesn’t actually seem mad about it.  yoobin stretches out her legs and the other girl recognizes the silent invitation.  she settles, resting her head on yoobin’s lap and looking up at her. for an instant too long, yoobin looks at her lips, but she forces her eyes away, even though it’s difficult.  she really needs to stop doing that before someone catches on (which she tells herself every time, but it’s been months and she hasn’t heeded her own warning yet).

“i’m just thinking too much again.” yoohyeon says.  yoobin nods in understanding. she gets that too. she tries her best to think like bora, who’s always so good at compartmentalizing and planning only for the immediate future and not months or years in advance,  but she’s not good at it herself. it’s just so easy to spend all her time thinking , and she knows yoohyeon is the same way.  yoohyeon is always imagining far ahead, in wide arcs that venture far off from probable realities.  but once she’s focused her brain on a specific possibility it sinks in its teeth like a bear trap and yoobin knows how hard it is for her to let go of toxic cycles of thought.

yoobin scans her head for a list of her own anxieties, tries to find the cross section of the venn diagram for what they might share.  she makes a guess, hopes that it’s correct. “is this because of mixnine coming up?”

yoohyeon pauses, then she nods.  “yeah. it is.”

“we already passed the auditions.  so what part is bothering you?” yoobin asks, proud of herself for guessing right.  

yoohyeon looks away from her face then, staring over at the television that’s frozen on the title screen of some netflix drama minji and handong were watching on the couch after dinner.  she doesn’t answer for a while, and yoobin takes the time to appreciate her profile. she knows she shouldn’t, but no matter how she tries yoohyeon just pulls her back in so effortlessly and she’s starting to accept she’s doomed to forever feel this ache in her chest.

the same ache she feels in her chest when she looks at the curve of yoohyeon’s cheek, the doll-like corner of , how soft her skin is when its bare of makeup.  yoobin can’t resist the urge to touch her somehow, so she just runs her fingers back and forth along the spot right behind the other girl’s ear. yoohyeon relaxes into the touch, and with the deflation of her posture comes the exhalation of her worries.  “what if one of us makes it all the way through and gets into the final group and we just...never see each other anymore? like what if you or jiu unnie or siyeon unnie get in and you like it better?”

“that’s not going to happen.” yoobin says.  “you realize how important dreamcatcher is to all of us, right?”

yoohyeon nods.  “you’re right. it’s stupid.” and yoobin can see her beating herself up for it.  it makes her feel bad, so she’s quick to try to fix it.

“it’s not stupid to be anxious about things.  but just...don’t be anxious about that one.” yoobin says.  she squeezes yoohyeon’s shoulder, “even if i somehow win the whole thing i would never choose it over you.”

she says you and she regrets it, because yeah she means the whole group but she also does specifically mean yoohyeon.  and she doesn’t want her to catch on, doesn’t want her to realize that yoobin is in so deep that no matter how much fame or success or how many solo mixtapes and songs written all by herself she’s offered, she would throw away every opportunity if yoohyeon couldn’t be by her side somehow.

suddenly, yoohyeon sits up, and it happens so quickly that she nearly headbutts yoobin right in the chin.  but her eyes are wide and bright. “i have an idea!”

oh no.

“what’s your idea?”

yoohyeon lowers her voice, conspiratorially.  yoobin feels like she’s being let in on a massive secret, and she understands why as soon as yoohyeon says it.  “let’s get matching tattoos.”

“um….excuse me?” yoobin replies.  because out of everything, that is….not what she expected.

yoohyeon smiles at her.  “just think about it. that way we’ll have something to look at and remember how important we are even if we don’t see each other much.  and it would be so cute.” her eyes get all wide and they shine like chocolate stars and yoobin knows knows knows she’s doomed.  then yoohyeon draws out the word please for far too many seconds, and she’s done for.

that’s how she ends up at a tattoo shop two blocks from the dorms with her face mask pulled up, trying to seem inconspicuous.  yoohyeon is flipping through a book of tattoo ideas, the pages occasionally whistling as she turns them. nothing seems to satisfy her, though.  not for a while. but then she pauses and pushes the book halfway into yoobin’s lap. “what about these?”

she has her fingers resting under a tiny, delicate sun and moon.  one for each of them. yoobin feels something thick in her chest and .  she doesn’t get a chance to respond, because the artist comes over and gives a warm chuckle, “usually couples get those.  sun for one partner, moon for the other.”

“do you like them, emma?” yoohyeon asks, using yoobin’s english name to protect her identity as an idol, but yoobin is still focusing on the fact he’d said couples usually get them.  it makes her feel sort of shaky, like her skin is suddenly too warm.  then yoohyeon speaks again, “ooh, or what if we both get both the sun and the moon.  because i’m really loud and upbeat like the sun and you’re really introspective and beautiful like the moon, so we compliment each other.  and we can always be right next to each other if we do that.”

yoobin wants to sink into the couch, melt through the lobby floor.

because that sounds sort of….poignantly beautiful, but maybe in a way that means more to her than to yoohyeon.

she thinks of that story about the moon murdering herself every single night for the sun to rise in the morning, and she thinks of herself and what she would do to herself if it meant lifting yoohyeon up, meant making her happy.  

it’s just a story, but it feels like one she’s memorized a thousand times.  she looks at yoohyeon and how excited she seems and she nods, smiling back, reserved but genuine.  “yeah, i like that idea, rachel.” she barely remembers which name to use. her head feels filled with cobwebs.

yoohyeon goes first, far too excited about getting stabbed hundreds of times a minute with a needle.  but her enthusiasm is genuine and contagious and yoobin isn’t vaccinated against it, so she finds herself laughing too.  yoohyeon hops up on the table and it’s only once she’s there that she goes, “oh , where are we getting these so no one can see?”

yoobin pauses.  , that’s a good point.  they’ll be dead if they get them where happyface might notice them.  they have to think about stage outfits and music videos and practices.  and without much consideration, yoobin motions vaguely to the side of her and the part of her ribs right beneath it, “right in there, maybe?”

“this is why i bring you along with me when i do stuff like this.  you’re so smart.” yoohyeon says, still happy, but maybe it’s a little hysterical.  she tries to squeeze yoobin’s cheek but yoobin swats her gently away, not wanting yoohyeon to feel her quickly-forming blush when she realizes that yoohyeon is going to have to take clothes off to get tattooed there.

the older girl is only slightly hesitant, and she manages to arrange herself where she can cover the majority of her chest with her shirt.  but when she holds out her hand and basically demands yoobin to hold it, the younger girl is forced to sit where she can see most of it. the soft curve of skin is...fascinating, and yoobin has to try so hard not to stare as the tattoo gun starts to buzz and the artist starts to carefully fill the area with the tiny design, right past where the curve of yoohyeon’s meets the cage of her ribs.

“how does it feel?” yoobin asks, to distract herself.

“kind of awful,” yoohyeon admits, but she’s still smiling.  this is a terrible idea. everything about this is a terrible idea, but it’s too late to change her mind because she knows that would be the biggest move ever.

so she waits.  she stares at the floor and the designs on the walls and at the fraying hem at the knee of her jeans.  yoohyeon is nearly half and yoobin is holding her hand and she can’t think about that because then she thinks about their almost kiss and what would have happened if she’d let it happen, and would it have been her hands touching yoohyeon so intimately and not the tattoo artist’s?

she’s barely shaken that train of thought away when yoohyeon finishes and it’s her turn.  she’s so overwhelmed by her own self-deprecating monologue that she doesn’t even think to be embarrassed about peeling off her hoodie or tugging her sports bra out of the way.  not until she sees yoohyeon eyeing her for a second in the mirror where she’s checking out the design on her own skin, sees the way yoohyeon’s eyes just briefly sweep her over. her heart spikes like a volleyball.  and then yoohyeon looks away.

it doesn’t feel great at all, but that’s good.  yoobin just focuses on the way the needle burns as it presses into her skin and the way the buzz hums in her ears and the way yoohyeon chatters happily to the artist, because it’s hard to think when her brain is pumping out adrenaline in response to the pain.  but it doesn’t take long, and soon they’re standing next to each other in the mirror with their shirts lifted. the moon and sun sit next to each other, softly shaded by intricate dotwork, identical on both of their bodies. and small enough no one will know but them.

yoobin likes how they look, despite the fact she still thinks this was a bad idea.

she’s studying the gentle lines of the sun’s rays when yoohyeon reaches out.  her fingers touch the skin just below the ink, not pressing hard but her touch is right there next to such an intimate part of yoobin’s body, right on bare skin.  she smiles and leans in and bumps her nose against yoobin’s cheek. “thank you for doing this with me.”

“yeah, of course,” yoobin says, feeling dizzy.

that night, during the three hours she gets to actually try to sleep, the tattoo burns.

but she barely feels it past the lingering memory of yoohyeon’s fingers against her skin.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

NOVEMBER 2017

mixnine is a different chaos from what she’s used to.  before she knows it she’s the leader of a group and she’s on stage without her girls for the first time in years.  it’s so different but she...kind of loves it.  a lot. at first she finds herself locked in her own head by her fear of not doing as good as the others, as anyone.  what if she humiliates herself?

but every time she’s on stage with the lights burning in her eyes like supernovas and the applause loud in her ears, she doesn’t even think about that.  she doesn’t think about anything. her mind runs in neon colors and adrenaline, and it all just feels right. she hasn’t been this confident in a while.

it’s only when they’re preparing for the first elimination stage that she sees yoohyeon for the first time since they got here.  there are so many other girls backstage, finalizing outfits or makeup or doing vocal warm ups. but yoohyeon stands out in the crowd, laughing with another girl yoobin doesn’t recognize.

their eyes lock, and all the bright, vivid noise in yoobin’s head goes still.

she takes a detour to the center of the room on her way to pick up her microphone.  her hand brushes against yoohyeon’s hip and she pulls her in, just for a second, just long enough to rest her nose against yoohyeon’s temple.

neither of them says anything in the miniscule collection of seconds where they stand in that position.

but it feels like so much passes between them anyway.

eventually yoobin walks away, and the world returns to its former chaos.

but every now and then she catches yoohyeon staring at her, and their eyes meet, and everything goes quiet for just long enough.

------------------

“you look really good like this.” yoohyeon says.  they’re back home, because the tour is more important than some reality show, and they’d all dropped out to focus on final preparations for that.

it’s a little strange to be focusing on something else after dedicating all of her attention to that for a while, but yoobin doesn’t mind.  she loves interacting with the fans, and she’s missed being the almost-maknae of the group rather than the leader. she’s missed bora and handong and gahyeon just...being present.

she’s missed yoohyeon, because they talk every day, and they hadn’t gotten to do that while they were filming.

she turns around from the mirror where she’s been fixing her hair.  “like what?”

“i don’t know,” yoohyeon says, looking at her from the bed. there’s something in her expression that yoobin can’t fully diagnose.  “you just seem...more confident.”

“i do?” yoobin asks.  but she can feel it, and she knows what yoohyeon means.  maybe it was short lived, but she does feel better now, like there’s a sort of strength in her posture, a little bit of electricity laced in with her blood.

“you do.” yoohyeon says.

yoobin turns away from the mirror and gives her a smile.  “oh. well. good, i guess.”

“just don’t change too much, got it?” yoohyeon says, and she’s smiling too.  she’s teasing, and yoobin knows that. but she also knows there’s a tiny amount of something else there, the ashes of nervousness underlying the joke.

and yoobin softens, melting like ice cream.  “never.”

because she won’t.  she knows that.

because no matter how much more confident she gets, how her personality grows and shapes itself over time, she’s always going to have a spot in her soul that belongs only to yoohyeon in every single way, a harsh reminder to drag her back down from space.

and she knows nothing will ever change that.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

DECEMBER 2017

four days before christmas, and gahyeon and yoohyeon have already headed home to spend time with their families.  the dorm is a clutter of suitcases as everyone else packs, including handong, who is spending the holiday with bora’s family.  yoobin is the next one to go, though, her week's worth of clothes all folded neatly into one suitcase, backpack next to it, all right by the door so she can just grab it and go as soon as her older brother calls her to let her know he’s here.

she’s just sitting on the couch mindlessly flipping through dramas on netflix when bora comes bounding up to her, “hey, come with me.” she doesn’t really give yoobin a choice, but she never really does with these things, taking her by the hands and pulling her to her feet to lead her down the hall.

“oh no.” yoobin replies, but her voice sounds too deadpan and bora laughs sharply.  

she bares her teeth in a mock snarl, trying to seem intimidating but it’s impossible when she’s smiling and she’s in bare feet so she’s so small, “don’t be dramatic. it’s christmas!”

“where are you taking me?  is it into the void? because i can’t wait.” yoobin replies.  bora laughs again, squeezing yoobin's wrist playfully.

they stop in the room yoobin shares with minji and siyeon.  they're both there, but so is handong, who has a box balanced on her arms.  bora scurries to stand between siyeon and minji, smiling bright and wide. yoobin pauses, “uh, what's going on?”

“we got you a...present.” handong says.  she stumbles over the last word but she seems proud of herself.  yoobin is proud of her too.

she hands her the box and yoobin opens it carefully.  it's wrapped tight, obviously minji's doing, but soon enough she fights through the paper.  it lands on the floor and she pops open the lid of the box.

inside is a flag.  it's like the ones their international fans have given them at fansigns, but this one is a pattern of rainbow stripes. yoobin recognizes it instantly and feels something in like her breath has turned to stone.

minji speaks up next, “we thought that, maybe when you're ready, you could hang it on the bedroom wall.”

yoobin pulls it out of the box and unfolds it with her hands shaking.  they're all smiling and they all look so...happy. yoobin has to try not to cry.  she focuses on bora because she never told her and that's something to dwell on that isn't the emotions. softly she asks, “...how?”

“siyeon has a big mouth.” bora replies.  “i’m so proud of you, though.”

siyeon, obviously trying to cover for herself, steps forward and takes the flag.  she ties it around yoobin's shoulders and smooths it carefully and looks at her with so much softness. “there.  our gay prince.”

yoobin pulls her into a hug.  bora joins them, then minji and handong.  siyeon's elbow hits bora in the ribs and she screams in yoobin’s ear and minji laughs way too loud and handong is definitely crying happy tears against the back of yoobin's neck.

but it's the best gift anyone has ever given her.

“merry christmas, yoobin.”

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

JANUARY 2017

be true to myself .

yoobin studies her own handwriting on the piece of paper.  minji had gotten the idea for them to all write down private new year’s resolutions after seeing it in some western show, and yoobin is already regretting hers one day in.

she sighs, sticks the post it note back to her desk, then stands from her chair.  she walks down the hall to handong and gahyeon’s room, knocking at the door.

handong answers, and since yoobin had already told her her plan earlier, she smiles at her.  “hi!” she turns over her shoulder to where gahyeon is splayed out on her bed, looking at her phone, “i’m going to go to the uh, the grocery store with minji.”

she squeezes yoobin’s shoulder when she walks past, and yoobin closes the door when she enters the room.  gahyeon sits up, setting her phone down. “is something wrong, unnie?”

“no, no, i just wanted to talk to you about something important.”

gahyeon shifts, sitting up fully with her legs hanging over the side of the bed.  she pats at the mattress with her hand, “okay! i’m all ears.” there’s a pause and her nose scrunches as yoobin moves to sit next to her.  “am i in trouble?”

“yeah, i’m finally here to get back at you for stealing my last christmas cookie a few days ago.”  yoobin says.

gahyeon pouts, “unnieeeee.  you just left it sitting there.  what was i supposed to do, ignore it?”

“no self control.  but what did i expect from the maknae?” yoobin teases her.  gahyeon elbows her in the side.

it’s actually pretty hard, and yoobin grunts.  but she doesn’t mind, since gahyeon used to be terrified of her.  at least they can joke around now. “you say like you weren’t a maknae for like two years.”

“touché,” yoobin admits, and gahyeon beams at her.  briefly she tips her head to rest against yoobin’s shoulder.  only for a couple of seconds, but the contact is nice. they’ve gotten close in the past year, and yoobin is grateful for that.  but she knows she can’t keep this secret from gahyeon anymore. it isn’t fair to her. “so, back to what i wanted to talk about.”

“of course.” gahyeon says, settling in and looking at yoobin attentively.

better to just go for it.  yoobin knows if she hesitates the words will lock themselves inside of her forever, and she won’t be able to find the key again. “i like girls.”

gahyeon blinks, startled.  her brows furrow but her eyes are still wide and yoobin decides she looks like a baby deer, confused and blinking in a bright beam of light.  “you like girls. like…. like them?”

“yes.” yoobin confirms.

there’s a thoughtful hum, then gahyeon nods.  “i would have expected this from siyeon and bora unnies more than you, but okay.”

“i mean, i’m not completely sure about them,” yoobin admits, and there’s a relief that fills her up at how casually gahyeon is responding.  it blooms inside of her like ivy crawling through all of the hollows and dips in her skeleton, but in a good way. “but i am sure about me. so here we are.”

gahyeon smiles at yoobin, and it’s soft and gentle in a way yoobin has never been able to pull off.  “honestly, it’s kind of a relief. i probably couldn’t beat up a boy if he hurt you, but i could beat up a girl.”

yoobin laughs, startled by the statement.  “what, you’re going to fight people for me?”

“yeah, if they hurt you!” gahyeon replies, indignant.  “you always protect me well, unnie. i want you to know that if the situation ever comes up, i’ll do the same for you.”

yoobin’s nose scrunches up.  “maybe i’ll let someone hurt me then, just to see this happen.”

“i’m full of surprises.” gahyeon says, smiling again.  then she leans in and pulls yoobin into a tight hug. “i love you a lot, no matter what.”

yoobin hugs her back, resting her chin on the top of gahyeon’s head.  

“i love you too.”

------------------

they have exactly two days to relax before they start practicing every day, all the time, in order to prepare for the european tour.  and yoobin isn’t given a choice. she wanted to spend her time reading and sleeping to make up for the rest her body wouldn’t be getting, but bora had other ideas.

that’s how, by some turn of events, it’s 9 pm on a tuesday, and she’s in the passenger seat of bora’s truck, flipping through a playlist entitled white girl jams while the older girl drives along backroads near her family home.  for all of her screaming and chaos, bora is actually a very steady, careful driver, and yoobin closes her eyes and leans her head back against the headrest.  

the frigid breeze slips through the tiny crack she’s allowed the window to open, icy breath running like fingers through her hair and over her cheeks. the hum of the engine rumbles beneath the sound of a taylor swift song yoobin didn’t pick but can’t be bothered to change right now.  the tires thump steady and unwavering even over the rougher parts of the road, and it’s just….nice.

for a moment everything falls away and it’s just her and one of her friends driving aimlessly at night, just not-quite-teenagers trying to find themselves.

then bora stops driving.  she turns the music down, and yoobin opens her eyes, only realizing when she has to blink bleariness from them that she was falling asleep.  once she’s sure yoobin is focused on her, bora turns the engine off completely. suddenly it feels very quiet.

“what are you doing?” yoobin asks.

“making a low-budget horror film.”  bora says, a smirk twitching up at the corner of .

yoobin snorts.  “is the plot twist when you finally reveal you’ve been an alien all along?”

bora’s smile grows wider for a moment, and she exhales sharply, obviously trying to suppress a laugh.  but she doesn’t swat at yoobin or retort with some sort of acidic sarcasm, and that’s when yoobin knows that underlying all of this is a tone of seriousness and sincerity.

she swallows thickly.

“why are we really out here?”

bora shifts in her seat, unbuckling the belt so she can turn more fully to face yoobin.  she pulls one knee up to her chest, balancing her heel on the edge of the upholstery, “i want you to talk.”

“talk….about….what, exactly?” yoobin asks.

bora shrugs, “you’re carrying a lot on your shoulders right now.  i can help with some of the burden. so just….talk to me.”

yoobin opens , and she plans on telling bora this is stupid and to go back to driving.

she really does.

“i’m gay.” is what slips out instead.

bora, for her part, doesn’t laugh or even have to suppress a laugh.  “well, i did kind of know that, if you remember.”

“i know but i…” i’ve never said those two words out loud before, not like that .  yoobin shakes her head, not wanting to look at bora anymore.  she should tell her, just to get it out. but she doesn’t want bora to be angry at her, or to think she might be jeopardizing the environment of the group.

bora speaks again, and her voice is patient, “take your time.  just….talk about what you need to.”

yoobin pauses for a long time.  bora doesn’t push her to talk, so they lapse into silence.  the quiet is only interrupted by the faint crackling buzz of the engine cooling and the sound of bora occasionally shifting some in her seat.

finally, yoobin lets the words out, her brow furrowed as she stares down at her hands in her lap.  “i’m in love with yoohyeon.”

sometimes yoobin forgets how perceptive bora is, but she remembers when the older girl doesn’t reply immediately, recognizing that yoobin isn’t done, just pausing to collect her thoughts.  “i’ve been in love with yoohyeon for years. four….four years? almost? i don’t really remember when i realized it for the first time. but i’m in love with her.”

bora reaches out, finding yoobin’s hand.  yoobin finds herself grateful for the contact, squeezing at bora’s fingers.  “i know she doesn’t think of me that way. and what if she finds out and she gets mad or uncomfortable and it ruins our friendship and the group at the same time?”

a thick swallow, and then yoobin whispers, “i’m scared.”

bora takes that as her excuse to lean over the console.  she pulls yoobin into a tight hug, even though the gear shift is probably digging into her side in this position.  yoobin buries her face in bora’s neck. “you need to talk to her, yoobin. you can’t keep this inside forever and just hope it goes away.  something like this….it doesn’t work like that, and we can all see how much you’re struggling.”

fingers card through yoobin’s hair, gentle and soothing.  “even if she doesn’t reciprocate, i know she won’t hate you or let it ruin anything.   you know that too.  we’re talking about yoohyeon.  she’s literally a puppy.”

yoobin laughs, wet and shaky, but she laughs. “i guess you’re right.”

“i’m always right.” bora goads.  but after a moment her voice softens again, “i love you.  we all love you. yoohyeon does too, and even if it turns out not to be the way you want it to be, you can’t just hold this inside forever.”

yoobin nods, whispers, “okay.”  bora holds her even tighter, kissing the side of her head.

yoobin takes a deep breath, her shoulders trembling, but it feels like inhaling for the first time in years.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

FEBRUARY 2018

yoobin usually likes quiet.

but this is different than that.

yoohyeon stands with her bag hanging awkwardly from her arm.  her eyebrows furrow, and yoobin wants her to just say something, anything.  her own confession from just a moment before hangs thick in the air, the words yoohyeon, i’m gay clotting the space between them.

and maybe this would all be fine but she'd had to confess because yoohyeon walked in on yoobin and all five of the others joking about it in the hallway of the london hotel.  and that means she knows she's the last one to know.

the members are downstairs waiting for the two of them so they all can go to the venue to practice before the concert tomorrow.  yoobin didn't want to do it like this, with so little time, a ticking clock thumping loudly against their spines.

“and everyone else has known for a while?” yoohyeon asks. yoobin nods, says nothing.  yoohyeon's eyes reflect something that yoobin can't quite read. “why did you tell me last? do you...do you not trust me?”

and oh, the way she says that.  it reflects that conversation with minji years ago, but where minji had been soft and understanding yoohyeon just sounds...hurt.  yoobin feels panic rising up, her heart aching in her chest. “no, that's not it at all.”

“we’re best friends. why wouldn't you tell me?” yoohyeon asks.  yoobin genuinely doesn't understand why yoohyeon is so upset, and that makes her feel stupid.  “we tell each other everything.”

yoobin presses her lips into a thin line, sinking her teeth a little too hard into the bottom one.  finally she admits, “i was afraid of what you would say.”

it's obviously not the correct response, because yoohyeon shifts from hurt to annoyed.  “did you seriously think i would be homophobic or something?”

“no!” yoobin cries out.

“then why were you afraid to tell me? i thought we were close!” yoohyeon says.  her eyes are shining and yoobin has never been the best at emotions but this she just fully does not understand.

yoohyeon is so upset and yoobin is just so panicked and the words just...slip out.  “i was afraid because i’m in love with you!” and god she doesn't mean to shout because she never does that, but it happens.  maybe the confession just needs to escape that badly. feels raw and she can't breathe.

yoohyeon freezes, staring at her in shock.  

yoobin doesn't wait for whatever rejection will come as soon as yoohyeon composes herself.

she turns on her heel and hurries out of the hotel room.

the door slams behind her and it feels like a gunshot.

------------------

they don’t speak unless they have to for two weeks.

yoobin has never gone more than a day or two without speaking with yoohyeon, at least not since they became close.  it feels like an empty void, like maybe a hole has opened up in her chest.

only she can see it.  only she can see the way it’s just bleeding and bleeding all the time.

or maybe she isn’t the only one.

because minji sits next to her on the flight from warsaw to paris, and once the plane is in the air and the jet engine rumbles enough to muffle their conversation, she confronts yoobin in the way she’s good at.  her voice is soft but it demands a response. “what’s going on?”

“i think i ed up.” yoobin admits.  she bites at her thumbnail, not wanting to look at minji’s face or past her to where yoohyeon is giggling with gahyeon across the aisle.  “she was upset i came out to her last, and kept asking me if i didn’t trust her. and i just….panicked. and i told her that i….that i’m in love with her.”

besides bora, she hasn’t told anyone else about her feelings for yoohyeon.  minji doesn’t seem surprised, but she does seem concerned, her brow furrowing in.  “did she get upset?”

“i don’t know.  i left and then we haven’t talked since.”

minji sighs out slowly.  “right. okay. so this is pretty bad, huh?”

“i didn’t mean for this to happen.” yoobin murmurs.  “i never wanted this to affect the group.”

she feels like a burden.  and she’s been distressed or overwhelmed by her feelings but the past two weeks she’s hated herself a little bit, stayed up all night wishing she was different because then she wouldn’t be ruining everything for everyone else too.  she knows minji must be annoyed by her. they’re on tour in europe and no matter how well the shows have been going, there’s a tension punctuating everything and it’s all yoobin’s fault .

the guilt might actually eat her alive.

at least then she wouldn’t have to feel so raw and empty anymore.

“the group is important, but yoobin is important, too.” minji says.  she gives yoobin a smile but it’s soft and a little bit sad. “we need you, and we can’t function if you’re two seconds away from falling apart all the time.”

yoobin nods, ripping her thumb nail off with her teeth.  it burns. it distracts her from how her eyes do the same. “i know.”

“i need you to talk to her, if not here then once we’re back home.  it might but i think she might just be unsure how to start the conversation.” minji says.  there’s a pause, and then she leans her head on yoobin’s shoulder. “you’re really my sanity in all of this chaos sometimes, dami.  i miss having my logical, reasonable rock.”

yoobin rests her head on top of minji’s.  

yoohyeon’s laugh is a little too loud for an airplane interior and yoobin feels very very heavy when she hears it.

“i miss myself, too.”

------------------

they’re sharing a room.

because of course they are.

minji gives yoobin a sympathetic frown when she hands out room keys, and her fingers linger a little longer on yoobin’s hand than anyone else’s.

she walks into the room and yoohyeon is already there.  the single bed sits in the middle of the room like a boat lost all alone in a maelstrom ocean.  yoobin doesn’t know how to swim. she doesn’t know how to navigate the storm.

they don’t have time to talk, anyway.

they have rehearsal, then dinner, then another rehearsal, then rest.  when yoobin climbs into bed, fresh out of the shower, yoohyeon is already asleep.  she’s so far over on the mattress one of her legs hangs off the edge. yoobin settles in and it feels like an entire canyon exists between them.  yoohyeon is the mountain range on the other side, the one she wants to touch but can’t quite reach. she remembers the last time they were here and how yoohyeon had wrapped around her and held her all night.  now the only thing being held is breath, is so many things neither of them are saying.

if yoobin’s soft sobbing wakes yoohyeon up, she doesn’t say anything.

------------------

the next night, they come home from the concert exhausted but in the most fulfilling way.  by the time yoobin gets out of the shower, yoohyeon is sleeping again. and maybe it’s the post performance adrenaline, but as yoobin settles into the bed, she looks over at yoohyeon’s sleeping form.

and she speaks.

“i’m so sorry.”

then she rolls over, closing her eyes.  she doesn’t realize she’s tired until she actually sinks into the mattress and the pillows.

she falls asleep to yoohyeon’s voice and a whisper of i’m sorry, too .

she isn’t sure if she dreamed it or not, and she decides maybe it’s best if she doesn’t know.

------------------

one thing yoobin and yoohyeon have in common is the way they pack the night before they leave a place.  suitcases fully set up, nothing left out except for toothbrushes and the next morning’s outfit.

what they don’t have in common is how they function in the interim.  yoobin lives out of the suitcase if their stay is short, and if it isn’t, then she puts her clothes away neatly in the closet and the dresser provided by the hotel.  yoohyeon….throws everything all over the room, because sometimes she can’t find the exact shirt or pair of socks she needs that day and she slept in too late to have time to look for it with any sort of organization.

this means that yoobin is already packed and ready to leave early in the morning.  yoohyeon, however, is still trying to gather everything together. yoobin hesitates as she watches her, knowing yoohyeon likely wants to go out for their last night here while she can, but at this rate she’ll waste all her time trying to organize her suitcase.  

silently, yoobin gathers a collection of shirts from the bathroom and from on top of the desk.  she takes a few minutes to smooth the creases and fold them neatly. then she carries the pile over and sets them next to yoohyeon on the bed.

“thank you,” yoohyeon says, looking a little surprised.

and yoobin decides that this should be a peace offering, an olive branch.  she nods, and then she says, “i don’t want to lose my best friend.”

yoohyeon’s lips turn into a mixture of a smile and a frown all at once.  “i don’t, either.”

“when we get home, we should talk.  about things.” yoobin tells her. and she knows that this likely won’t be a fun conversation.  she knows it’ll mean getting her heart broken because they’ll have to talk about how yoohyeon doesn’t want her like that.  but it’ll also be good, because yoobin can’t lose her, and they need to discuss how to move past this as friends, too.

yoohyeon nods.  another of those strange not-smiles.  “okay.”

yoobin squeezes her shoulder, and then she walks out of the room.  she needs time to think, to prepare what she has to say.

it feels strange to consider the culmination of four years of pining, what it will be like to accept that all of it has amounted to nothing but miscommunication and confusion.

and an even closer relationship with the other members , her brain reminds her, which softens the blow a little bit, for sure.

the next few days or even weeks or months might a lot, but as she looks over her shoulder at yoohyeon one last time and sees her gently putting away the shirts yoobin had folded for her, it feels like it might end up being okay.

------------------

the eiffel tower is beautiful, like always.  this is where yoobin has chosen to spend the last few hours of their single night of free time.  maybe she just likes to torture herself. but she can only think of yoohyeon now, the way it looks when the lights of the structure reflect back in her eyes.  she has her face mask pulled on and her hat low on her head, and she’d slipped off without the managers around.

so in some way she feels normal.

there are people moving around her who don’t even notice her.  they’ll never question her or wonder about her vulnerabilities or know she’s ruined everything with her best friend.  they don’t know she’s an idol. they don’t know that she’s anything but a girl, standing alone on the paris streets.

in a sense, it’s comforting.

like maybe she’s not the only person who’s ever felt this way.

like any person could be in her place right now, and they probably have been.  this stupid old tower has seen lifetimes and emotions and stories she can’t even imagine.  she isn’t special, but right now she doesn’t want to be.  

she goes back to that train of thinking again, her brain mapping out stories.  not about herself this time, not really. just in general. she wonders what would have to happen here for the tower to remember it, if it had the sentience to cling to memories like that.

she’s so lost in her thoughts she doesn’t hear someone come up behind her.  she isn’t aware she’s not alone until a hand touches hers, grabbing her fingers.

yoobin is about to rip her hand away, to run or fight or scream if she needs to.  but then she sees her face.

yoohyeon is dressed similarly, mask pulled up and hat low over her eyes.  it makes it hard to read her expression, and yoobin doesn’t like that. she swallows thickly.  “what are you doing here?”

“what are you doing here?” yoohyeon challenges.

“thinking.”

“about what?”

yoobin looks over at her again, and yoohyeon looks like she genuinely wants to know.  yoobin shrugs, sinks her teeth into her bottom lip so hard it hurts. “about how i ruined everything, and how i’m going to fix it when we get home.”  maybe that conversation she wanted to have when they got to seoul is going to start now. she isn’t sure she’s ready. maybe she never will be, though.

yoohyeon sighs, and despite the fact it’s quiet, it feels so loud.  everything about yoohyeon has always been earth-shattering for yoobin.

“who says you did?”

yoobin blinks.  but she stares straight ahead this time.  she doesn’t want to break the moment apart, not when it feels like glass.  “well, considering we haven’t talked in weeks …”

a couple walks past them.  the girl laughs, resting her head on her boyfriend’s (or fiance’s, or husband’s) shoulder, and they chatter as they brush by, so distracted that the guy bumps yoohyeon slightly.  he apologizes in a language yoobin doesn’t know, and they disappear into the night. another story. another lifetime. there are so many here, but yoobin’s own feels so overwhelming.

“you’re not the only one who’s scared.” yoohyeon says, finally.

yoobin’s heart slows, but each beat feels purposeful. “what?”

“i...you’re not the only one, yoobin.  you’re not the only one who was afraid.” she sounds so brittle.  she sounds like a stained glass window.

“what do you mean, yoohyeon?” yoobin asks, because she’s too scared to assume.  she’s too scared to do anything.

yoohyeon’s fingers slip fully through yoobin’s.  yoobin realizes that yoohyeon’s hand is shaking. “at some point i realized all those times i imagined romantic paris vacations, the person i was picturing there with me was you.”

“but, all of the times you’ve mentioned guys…” yoobin says.

yoohyeon laughs, without much humor, but with so much else.  “like i said, i was scared.”

yoobin nods, unsure what to say.  she feels like she’s dreaming. everything around her is foggy and heavy and her heart beats loud in her ears, like thunder.  

“when you told me, and i got so hurt, i just...it wasn’t actually because i was angry about that, i don’t think.  i was just so shocked because i thought you were something i could never have, and then it was right in front of me and i didn’t know what to do.” yoohyeon says.  they’ve always been opposites. yoobin can’t find the words. yoohyeon always has so many. “and then i avoided you because i thought about how selfish it would be, for us to do that when we have dreamcatcher to worry about.  but maybe it’s okay to be selfish. maybe we can find a way to balance all of this.”

yoobin thinks she tastes blood from biting her lip so hard.  “so you...like me.”

yoohyeon’s mask still covers her face, but yoobin can hear the smile.

“yoobin-ah, like is an understatement.”

and yoobin’s world...stops.

“well, that would have saved me four years of emotional turmoil.” yoobin says, trying to laugh so she doesn’t cry.

“four years?” yoohyeon seems stunned, and when yoobin finally looks at her, her big brown eyes are shiny with tears.  the moisture paired with the glow of the eiffel makes yoohyeon’s brown eyes look like liquid amber, gemstones shining and perfectly positioned on her face.

“yeah.  four years.”

yoohyeon nods. then she whispers, “i guess we have a lot to catch up on.”

yoobin knows this is an opportunity she may never get again.  she reaches up and pulls her own mask down around her chin. then she does the same to yoohyeon’s, fingers her cheek on the way down.

she stands on her toes and leans in, her fingertips still on yoohyeon’s face.  their hats bump and yoobin’s twists off-center. yoohyeon laughs and the burst of warm breath brushes over yoobin’s lips.  and they hold there, for just a second. breathing heavily and shaking and just...existing.

then their lips meet.

in that moment, yoobin decides they become a story to remember.