“Just some black ink on some blue lines.” - 20 Years, The Civil Wars

***

Joohyun has always been the type to clean up even at the smallest trace of dirt. Being married to a wife who has messy habits and having a kid who took after her wife's messy habits, she got used to cleaning a lot around her house. Now, even though her daughter has been away at college for about a year now, Joohyun can't still help but clean her room, although not everyday.

She opens the room door with a broom and a dustpan in her hands, she can already hear the nagging of her wife (who is currently at her place of work as a dance teacher). Babe, you don't have to clean Yeri's room, you know. She'll do that herself. She shakes her head to clear out Seulgi's voice, knows that Yeri won't do it herself the next time she comes home and begins to clean the room.

After a while, she opens her daughter's cabinet with the intention of removing any traces of dust in it. She wears her face mask and starts wiping the dirt with a wet rag. One, two drawers. She even found some magazines that her daughter had left the last time she visited, prompting for her to shake her head. Maybe the girl thinks that her mothers never go to her room but jokes on her, they do. When she reaches the last drawer, she finds a photo album. A worn out brown photo album with a design that says "Memories" and a dusty plastic cover on it, given to them by her and Seulgi's mutual friend, Son Seungwan, on the day they got married.

Joohyun grabs it and wipes off the dirt covering it. She remembers her daughter asking for her baby pictures so she can give one to Joy, the girl she's dating. And yet after getting what she needs, Yeri once again failed to return the album to its rightful location. Not that Joohyun minds right now, the brown album brings back several unforgettable moments of her life that she wouldn't mind reliving.

Joohyun couldn't help the small smile on her face as she opens the album and the inevitable sneeze that came when she accidentally inhaled some dust on it. She sees the first batch of photos, her and Seulgi's wedding. Their friends are around them in the middle picture, the three remaining pictures around it are picture of her and Seulgi, Seulgi with Seungwan, and also a picture of her and the said girl. Joohyun giggles as she remembers that special day and the never ending tears from her parents and friends or how her maid of honor, Seungwan had panicked at the beginning of the wedding when Joohyun had looked like she's about to bawl her eyes out.

The second batch of pictures are the ones they took after they bought this house. Pictures of her family, Seulgi's family, Seungwan with the both of them, smiling so widely at the camera. She remembers how Seulgi's mother almost set their new house on fire when she accidentally left the stove on without anyone in the kitchen, or how everyone went from full on panicked to full on relaxed after Seungwan informed them that Seulgi had successfully put out the fire.

The third batch of pictures are from when Yeri was born. Joohyun couldn't help but grimace at the look of pure exhaustion on her face at one of the pictures. Pushing out a human from your private area is a hard, painful and exhausting thing to do anyway. However, seeing the happy tears on Seulgi's face and the adoring looks from their friends. Seungwan was even shaking before she got to hold Yeri and from the way she gently held the baby in her arms, Joohyun knew that Seungwan will be a good mother.

The other batch were from important events in their lives ,such as Yeri's first birthday or when they got a new car. However, Joohyun notices that from both batches, Seungwan is no longer present. She remembers that the girl left Korea after refusing to be Yeri's Godmother, she said she won't be able to be a good godmother to Yeri as she was about to take over her family's small business back in Canada. Although dejected and sad, both Joohyun and Seulgi accepted her reason.

With a sigh, she turns the album onto the last page, expecting to see the day they stopped putting pictures in it. She thinks it was after Yeri finished middle school or she can be wrong, she can't remember if they actually put anything in the last pages. What she didn't expect was to see a familiar white envelope, the color was worn out and it looked like it has been in the album for many years. Joohyun gently picks up the envelope, noting the fact that seal has yet to be broken. She turns it around in hopes to see who it was from and who is it for only to see her name. She ignores the twinge in her heart as she remembers the different content of the similar white envelopes that were also anonymously given to her before and gently rips the seal.

She takes out the familiar yellow paper inside the envelope and slowly reads the contents.

October 15, 1998

(Joohyun notes the fact that today is October 15, making it more or less 20 years when the letter was written. She bites her lip at the realization.)

To Bae Joohyun,

Hi. First, I want to... congratulate you. Happy Wedding Day, Joohyun! You're marrying our charismatic Kang Seulgi, and she's going to marry the forever beautiful Bar Joohyun and honestly, I can never think of anyone who deserves you as much as Seulgi does. And I am really glad that you're ending up with her. Although my heart might be bleeding a tiny bit, but hmm, it'll probably pass.

I know that I've been doing this for years. From highschool, actually. This, this letter thing. And I've always had this feeling that you would figure it out and somehow have the courage to confront me about it. And it the midst of confrontation, I'll have the courage to say the words I never really had the guts to tell you. Yet, it isn't really like that, is it, Joohyun?

(She unconsciously tightens her grip on the letter, staring at the words intently.)

I have no regrets though. Sure, it's painful to watch you walk down that aisle and realise that despite all the prayers I did, all the hopes that I gave, the person at the end of that aisle will never be me. Your destination will never be me. It could have, if only I had the guts. Okay, maybe I do have one regret. However, if that one regret means you get to walk down to your happiness, I'll carry that regret for the rest of my life despite its heaviness and its ability to make it hard to breathe.

I want you to know that I did not write this letter to make you feel guilty of loving Seulgi, nor do I have the intention of putting any negative thoughts in your head. This is simply a thank you... and a goodbye.

(Her breath hitches as she reads the last word of that paragraph. The letters stopped coming abruptly after she married Seulgi. Maybe... just maybe, this was supposed to be the last letter of that person.)

A thank you for making me see how beautiful the world is in your eyes. A thank you for not letting me drown in the sea of loneliness. A thank you for bringing every adventure you have up until now and I'm sure that you will still continue to do. A thank you for the brave words and encouragement I never knew I needed until I heard them from you. A thank you for making me realise that the universe was made just to be seen by me and I should never let fear stop me from seeing what is beyond my comfort zone.

Thank you, Joohyun. Thank you for letting me love you until this very day.

(She feels the first batch of tears stream down her face and in a small breath before she continues reading.)

I'm sorry that this is the last of them. The last letter that I will ever write for you. I'm sorry that this is goodbye. I have so many words to say, so many things to thank for, so many feelings I still yearned to pour. But this, this will be the last letter I will ever write for you.

I hope you'll be the happiest, Joohyun. I hope you'll have a kid who's as beautiful as you and as kind as Seulgi. I hope you have the warmest home you can have because I know you get cold so easily. I hope that the day you read this, you're the happiest.

Happy Wedding Day, unnie! Cheers!

Sincerely Yours,
Blue

Joohyun lets out a shaky chuckle, tracing the letters with gentle fingers as they get smudged from the tears that are slowly streaming down her face. She knows she also has so much to apologise for to this person, and yet, with a light heart, Joohyun brings the letter to her lips, giving it the gentlest kiss and then, she whispers the words she had always wanted to whisper to this person.

“Thank you, Seungwan.”

And somewhere in Canada, Joohyun hopes that even if Seungwan never really got a reply (if she's waiting for one), she hopes that the girl knows how grateful Joohyun is for her.

Really, really thank you.

The End