Being a genderfluid was like being one big ball of questioning all the time.

Taemin was freaking confused. Sometimes he loved his body and some other times it pissed him off. He had several problems because of this, oh no, scratch that, he had a lot of problems. 

He had to pack twice as much for vacation because he never knew what he would feel when he woke up.

His ex-girlfriend didn't know whether she had a boyfriend or a girlfriend and people often looked at him so confused because he looked prettier than any girl. Clearly, being a genderfluid made it hard to find a lover. 

When he wore a really nice suit and looked very masculine, all of a sudden he felt feminine then he had to change to a brighter color just so he looked pretty.

He was in a constant decision whether to cut his hair or let it grow and he often found himself confused when he needed to use a public restroom. 

As a kid in school, it was more frustrating because other kids got confused with his constant gender change. One of his friends even gave him two bracelets with different colors just so they knew how to address him or what gender he was feeling. 

Being a genderfluid was more difficult when he started his carrier as a model. Even on his girly day, if he had to work, he had to ignore that and be a man. He felt miserable. 

He hated it because no one seemed to accept the reality that he can be a man and a woman. It's not just him or her, but he can be both of them.

It , stressful, tiring, and confusing because it's a never-ending cycle. Each time things change it's thrilling at first and then it began to wear him down until it felt like there's nothing else but frustration. In fact, it may be that it's the frustration itself that triggered the swap.

Taemin was like two different persons when he changed his gender.

On his masculine days, he didn't feel anything.. numb. He was careless about his clothes because it was just clothes, he said, it didn't matter. There were almost zero ual urges, and he had a vague sensation in his chest that made him tend to slouch. For him, his manhood seemed like a tail on the wrong side, but neither wrong nor abhorrent- just... huh. Like whatever, he peed out of it and the function was pretty convenient. Neat. In that state, what his body was to his mind- disconnected and yet there. Additionally, in that phase, he had very little desire to eat.

On the other hand, on his girl day, when he woke up and he felt definitely female, it's the best feeling he had had in his life. That feeling was the only time his body and mind didn't feel like separate entities. He felt as though he was a whole person, and when he looked in the mirror, despite his masculinity, he felt absolutely gorgeous. He became emotional, he cried easily and often for both positive and negative reasons and that felt natural and right. Suddenly things like being hygienic and getting dressed felt like expressions of love. Food sounded incredible to him, even many things that normally made him want to gag, and he all of a sudden wanted to eat healthily.

That circle was tiring for Taemin. Like ing tiring. When Taemin had come to the point that he was freaking tired, Minho came bringing the sun into his life.

"Hai Baby, you look tired. Rough day?" Minho greets his husband with his bright smile when Taemin enters their bedroom. 

"Hmmm...It ," Taemin answers while taking his jacket off and placing it neatly in his cubby before he goes to the bathroom to wash his face. Minho smiles when he's observing his husband's behavior. He's not feeling like Taemin today.

Taemin is usually careless, while Taeyeon is not. Living with his genderfluid husband for 7 years helps him to understand his husband and knows the difference between them. 

When Taemin steps out from the bathroom and their eyes meet, Minho smiles and tap his lap inviting his husband to join him on the couch which of course Taemin happily accepts the invitation. He slowly comes closer to Minho, eyes still staring deeply into Minho's brown round orbs then he sits on Minho's lap with his arm circles around Minho's neck. He nuzzles his face on Minho's broad shoulder. 

"I'm tired," Taemin mumbles softly.

Minho caresses his husband's back lovingly and kisses his head. "I know Honey... I know.. You're home now, with me"

"Mmm..." Taemin exhales Minho's perfume, his favorite smell, and slowly kisses Minho's neck. 

"Taeyeon-ah...."

Taemin smiles. It makes him happy when Minho can figure out what he was feeling today. He's happy when Minho knows who he is right at the moment.

"Mmm..." He hums between his kisses that slowly move to Minho's jaw. Minho tightens his embrace around his husband's slim waist while he's trying not to moan because of Taemin's kiss. Enjoying being held around his waist is more like Taeyeon's thing. Taemin likes being held around his shoulder, not his waist. 

"I thought you're tired?" Minho says somewhat shuttered because of his unsteady breath.

"Hmmm..I am.. but I miss you.." 

Taemin lifts his face so he's facing Minho right now. He stares deeply into Minho's eyes and rests his forehead against Minho's. Nose and lips lightly brush each other, Taemin slowly mumbles, "I miss you, Minho."

Minho's lips draw a smile before he kisses his husband senselessly. He's definitely Taeyeon today. Taemin won't be that open about his feeling yet Taeyeon is very open and always says what he feels. Being clingy and affectionate are also Taeyeon's things.

Taemin has ual urges often while he's being Taeyeon, and it's like a reverse phantom limb- he can't say if it's all in his head or what, but he sincerely feels in a phantom . The sensation of being has changed and suffice to say that it feels real. He craves Minho's touch in a way he, Taemin, never otherwise does. He wants to hug his husband and feels safe. He wants to look up at Minho and stands on his tiptoes and kisses him gently.

Minho notices how his husband wants to be touched so his hands start roaming under Taemin's shirt. Taemin moans lowly enjoying the way Minho treats him. Minho carefully lifts Taemin's small body then walks to their bed and soon enough, their clothes are scattered on the floor and their body strangled under their thin blanket. 

"I love you Taeyeon-ah," Minho whispers on Taemin's ear when they're slowly drifting away to the dreamland.

Taemin all of a sudden sits right up, "Oh, Minho, where is Minhee? I haven't seen her since I came back."

"Oh my word, I can't believe you just remember your daughter after like 3 hours you got home. Of course, she's sleeping honey, you got home at 12 and now is 3 o'clock in the morning. We better sleep because I have to get up early tomorrow," Minho says ruffling Taemin's hair and pulling him back in his arm. 

"Ughh, stop it, you mess up my hair." Taemin pouts. Yup, Taeyeon doesn't like it when Minho ruffles his hair. 

Minho giggles, "I'm sorry Taeyeon-ah. I love you, Baby," Minho says then kisses Taemin's forehead sweetly. "Sleep Baby, I'm sure your daughter wants to play with you tomorrow morning and you need your energy to play with her. I wonder sometimes where did she get all of those energy"

"Haha.. ask someone who just made love with me for almost the whole night. You were rough."

"Oh, shut up. You made me that way." Minho shushes Taemin with kisses. 

"Daddyyy!!!"

Taemin stirs from his sleep. He peeks through his tired eyes and sees his cute daughter jumping around on his bed. He reaches out his arm to find his husband but he only finds an empty spot beside him. That means Minho has already gone to work.

"Dadddyyy, come on... get up!!!" Minhee pulls his daddy's arm trying to make her daddy wakes up.

Taemin playfully pulls his daughter back, making her fall in Taemin's embrace. He kisses his daughter. "That's the price for waking up the dragon," Taemin says with a smile.

Minhee grins and all of a sudden she bites her daddy's arm. 

"Ouchhh! Minhee-ah.. that hurts."

"That's the price for making this beautiful princess falls," she says back with a silly smile on her face.

Taemin gets up and starts to tickle his daughter, making her scream and laugh at the same time. 

"Daddy, please... please... stop" 

"Hehe.. okay.. okay.. come on, I'm hungry, let's make breakfast," Taemin says getting up from his bed. 

"Daddy, I want a hug..." Minhee opens her arms asking Taemin to hug her and lifts her up. 

Taemin pauses on his way and thinks for a moment, hesitantly he asks, "Is it okay if it's from Mommy?"

"Are you feeling more Mommy right now?"

"Yes Baby, is that okay?"

Minhee smiles and jumps up to Taemin, "That's more than okay, I love both sides of you, mommy and daddy, even daddy's messy hair."

"I have a very cute but very cheeky baby" Taemin kisses his daughter's nose

"I love you so much, Mommy"

In the end, with Minho and Minhee on his side, Taemin wouldn't want things to be any different. Seriously.

Despite the difficulties, he absolutely loves being him and her! Even if his internal experience is basically insane in the membrane, shifting so fluidly between points of view has given him a broader perspective and the ability to see things going on in his life with far more depth and understanding than he'd ever have known he could. Plus, he has never thought to be genderfluid has brought him to find his soulmate and beautiful daughter.