Chapter one

 

As Seulgi eyed all the couples gathered at the train station that unfortunate morning, she held back a sudden urge to gag. Nowadays Valentine’s Day included such a ridiculous amount of marketing that it was beyond her how some people failed to see the fraud of it all. Honestly, who could ever need a six-foot teddy bear?

Ignoring the sickening romance flowing in the air to the best of her ability, Seulgi wiped her clammy hands on her coat and once again gripped the suitcase handle. The train was waiting before her, having arrived a few minutes ago with the sole purpose of taking her away from the one place she called home.

“I can’t believe you’re actually making me do this,” she muttered, refusing to spare one look at her mother who was clinging onto her arm.

“It’ll be fine, sweetie.” She caressed Seulgi’s back, a sad smile plastered on her face while they watched people nearing the train. Seulgi’s hair was all over the place because of the harsh winter wind, but she couldn’t care less at the moment even if she resembled the girl from The Ring.

Only after catching a glimpse of a nauseating saliva exchange between a young couple did Seulgi turn to look her mother in the face. Instantly, she noticed a few new wrinkles present that she could swear weren’t there one month ago, like the one below her right eye, or the one near the corner of her lips.

If Seulgi’s departure was that difficult for her mother to deal with, why did she have to leave in the first place?

“Promise me you’ll call every day,” her mother said, sneakily wrapping her arms around Seulgi’s waist and putting her head on her shoulder.

“I will, don’t worry.”

Pursing her lips, Seulgi welcomed the embrace and with closed eyes inhaled her mother’s perfume. Even in February she managed to smell like vanilla and flowers, almost too sweet for Seulgi’s own taste. However, she couldn’t be bothered once she realized that she didn’t know when she would smell it again. Seulgi wouldn’t have minded inhaling a whole flower bouquet for the scent to remain in her memory.

“Oh sweetie, I already miss you.”

Who was going to remind her mother to eat the leftovers before it goes bad? Who was going to separate the dark clothes from the white ones when doing the laundry? Their home was bound to become a mess without Seulgi there.

Secretly, she wished that her mother wouldn’t let go. She didn’t mind the cold stinging her face and fingers, or even the cheesy Valentine’s Day balloons hanging at the stands further ahead. Seulgi would’ve stood there frozen in place for hours. Until all the trains to Seoul would've departed and they'd catch the bus back to their little heated apartment.

Before her eyes could get any hotter, Seulgi took a step backwards. She almost had to unclasp each of her mother’s fingers wrapped around her backpack strap to take it.

“I better go now,” she said. “Seoul’s waiting, Mom.”

Seulgi was one of the last few left at the platform, so she skipped towards the train without having to push herself through the masses. She didn’t dare to glance back while the conductor checked her ticket at the entryway, afraid that the very last bit of courage would vanish if she saw her mother’s face swelled up with tears.

After roaming around for a bit, Seulgi found a vacant spot in a secluded part of the train and placed her bags on the seat beside her. When she turned to look out the window, she was greeted by her mother’s lone figure. No one else showed up to bid their goodbyes to Seulgi, though it hadn’t been in her expectations to begin with. The only person in the entire school who tolerated her was Mrs. Lee, her science teacher, and that was mainly because majority of the students failed the class. Seulgi was one of the lucky few who did not.

As the train started slowly moving forwards, she let out a deep sigh, still not believing her current situation. Mere two weeks prior, her mind was strictly set on keeping her grades high and the house neat. Even though her mother would constantly tell her to go hang out with her friends and leave the books behind, she didn’t have any friends to spend time with. It was alright for the most part, since that way no one could distract her from her goals, which were, sadly, mediocre.

Then everything flipped upside down when the man, who Seulgi had to force herself call Dad nowadays, surprised her mother with a friendly call. When her parents had first split up, he made sure to call Seulgi at least once a week to see how she was doing. Then once in a month, eventually once in half a year. The divorce happened three years ago, and she hadn’t heard from her father in about a year. His existence would have been forgotten entirely if not for his annual birthday cards and a handful of cash in each envelope.

Cancer. Lung cancer, to be more specific. That was the message that reached their home that late Thursday evening, and they had no preparation whatsoever. Even on her way to Seoul to meet her father, Seulgi still was unsure what to think of it. How was she supposed to act around him? Did his illness mean that she had to give him some special treatment, was she supposed to pretend like the last three years never existed?

Not going to lie, an image of her father and her did pop into her head since that was what she had so desperately wished for. There were times when Seulgi would allow herself to forget the anger she felt for him, and imagine their family back together like they used to be, happy and untouched by the pain.

Nearly three hours later, Seulgi was swallowed by a crowd as soon as she stepped off the train, but she could barely recognize her father when he showed up to pick her up. She froze at the sight of him; leaning against a brick wall, wearing a shabby coat, a knitted hat and a loose scarf despite the cold weather. Immediately she knew that wasn’t her father, at least not the one she remembered. This man was a shadow.

Someone behind her accidentally pushed her forwards. Seulgi took it as an opportunity, seeing as her feet didn’t want to move on their own, and reluctantly approached her father while dragging the suitcase behind her. Many words ran through her head. She chose the simplest one since he wasn’t worth the effort.

“Hi,” she said when she stopped in front of him.

This wasn’t a jolly father-daughter reunion. She didn’t arrive for a Christmas holiday, and she certainly hadn’t prepared a list of places they could visit together in the city. Seulgi was there to check on her sick father, stay with him, and she didn’t even know the extent of that period. Given the circumstances, sooner (which was preferred) also meant a family gathering, huge bills and a sea of black clothing.

“It’s been a while.” Her father managed to present her with a smile before a series of coughs escaped his mouth. He looked different in Seulgi’s eyes, not quite as she recalled; thinner, paler, sicker. Not someone whose smile used to brighten her day.

He reached for her suitcase and had her follow him outside to a bus station, where they stood in the cold for fifteen minutes, exchanging a few awkward words. He noticed that her hair had gotten longer, and that she’d grown two inches, whereas Seulgi noticed a pack of cigarettes sticking out of his front pocket.

At least that hadn’t changed. His smoking habit was finally catching up to him.

 

+++

 

Coming back to her childhood home was like stepping through a magical mirror; everything was the same, yet it wasn’t.

The appalling smell was the first thing Seulgi noticed there – it lacked her mother’s beloved air freshener that used to stand in the entrance hallway right by the door. Without it, the air inside felt stuffy, the house reeked of cigarettes, burnt food and medicine. Possibly, a hidden dead body too.

Not giving it a second thought, Seulgi kicked off her boots before opening all the windows that had been left covered before she came. Only God knew how long the place had been enveloped by darkness. Seulgi despised staying in dimply lit rooms as it usually made her feel drowsy in the middle of the day. It was too early for her to feel tired since there was still so much work that had to be done before she’d start school. Unpacking wasn’t even her biggest worry, it was the entire house, or what is had become.

It was clear that her father hadn’t put any extra preparation for her return. The house was covered in dust, Seulgi could spot multiple spider webs hanging from the ceiling. It looked like he made sure to collect every dirty plate and cup in the house and yet didn’t bother to wash anything as the sink was filled to the rim. Seulgi opened the fridge out of curiosity and discovered it empty, apart from two eggs, some medicine and a carton of milk, which had gone bad two days ago.

Perfect, she thought, at least it’s not vodka.

Drawing her attention away from the fridge, the wooden floor creaked softly behind her back as her father appeared in the kitchen. Seulgi bit the inside of her cheek while looking him in the eyes, thinking about the non-existent food selection, but he couldn’t hold eye contact for longer than five seconds before averting his eyes to the window.

“It seems like I forgot to buy a few things for the dinner, would you mind running to the store for me?” he asked, glancing around the room, probably only now noticing how unkempt he had left it.

More like you forgot the dinner itself, and also breakfast.

Seulgi let the steam out with a deep breath.

“Fine, it’s not like I have a choice anyways.” She pushed past him on her way out, but lingered by her luggage when her eyes caught a pack of cigarettes lying on a shelf. “While I’m here, don’t even think about smoking inside. Better yet, just quit smoking all together.”

She had threatened to throw out all of his cigarettes while they still lived together. Perhaps actually having his cells die slow and agonizing death because of this disgusting habit would help him get rid of it? So far, it didn’t seem to work so well.

Seulgi had made sure to push away any memory regarding her father a long time ago. However, a five-minute trip around the house was enough for her to recall every little detail. The memories appeared in front of her like ghosts. Like those times when he’d carry Seulgi around on his shoulders and they’d hide things from her mother on top of high shelves, or when they’d sit on the floor in the living room and he’d spend hours teaching her how to play the guitar.

People say memories make the heart grow fonder, but for Seulgi it was just a reminder of what was taken away from her. Her father had once been her best friend, the person she turned to in times of a crisis, and then he walked away without a proper explanation.

“There’s one more thing,” he said just as Seulgi put her coat back on, “I’m not sure if your mother told you this, but I’ll have to ask you to help out at the shop sometimes. I’m short on employees and I can’t go work myself anymore.”

Seulgi clenched her teeth to stop herself from accidentally cussing out loud. She was just about to start her junior year in high school, and he expected her to work part-time? What about her studies? Was she supposed to do her homework by the cash register?

“Sure, that’s what I’m here for, right?” she said, tying her boots, not bothering to silence her words. With her hand on the door handle, Seulgi stopped to look at her father. “I’m here look after a grown man, who doesn’t know how to take care of himself anymore, so he’s putting all of his responsibilities on his seventeen-year-old daughter. To waste away my life while making sure you don’t mess up what’s left of yours.”

Even filled with anger, Seulgi could see the plea of forgiveness evident in her father’s eyes, but she walked through the door before he could utter a word.

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Sorry about the long wait, those who were waiting, but here it is - finally in flesh! I'm so sleepy my head fell on the keyboard at least twice, so I'm saying bye for now.

Enjoy :)